First blog after being set free

First blog after graduating. Yeah, that's a big step ahead of where I stood before.
Do I feel much older? no. Do I feel much braver? no. But I keep moving anyway, because I don't have a choice, and because I keep wanting more. Of life, love and dreams fulfilled. But most of all - happiness. And truth is - after being set free, knowing I can do anything I want, - ironically, the search for happiness has become much more challenging I find.
I like to be in control of things, and I like to know where my plan is going. When I don't know it, I feel I continuously waste time that could have been better planned. Like I'm procrastinating my life. And that's the worst feeling ever. All the what ifs. Not good - not healthy. SO, eventually, I try not to think too much. I try not to care too much. I try not to worry about time and plans and dreams.
But in the end, I should care - I should continue to worry, because it's my life - one shot, one receiver. I SHOULD care. And so I continue to listen to my heart and soul and God and everything that's breathing down my neck in the city, anything that will give me a sign or a hope of where I should go next. What my path is. I pray and I pray and I pray, but it seems that the less I take action in life, the less of a response I am able to hear. It makes sense. The more doors I try to open, the more I risk and fail all at once, the more response I'll get from God. .. I will hear when I was down the wrong path, or when I should trust going further. How else can I know?

And so I continue to work on my many projects. I continue to compose, wishing that one day I could start a record in Christian music, or get a radio hit... and I audition every day, hoping I will get cast in something, and I am open to dates, dreaming that one day love will hit me again like it did before.
BUT - that would require that I 1.) Actually send in my music to radio stations and to Christian composers, whom I am fond of, and write down my music so it's readable for any other person that my brain and wonky scribbled chords only. 2.) Actually prepare for auditions with my whole heart and soul, actually giving myself the permission to book something in stead of cutting myself off before I even enter the room. 3.) Let go, and let the boy in front of me in, whom I've known for loving me for over a year now. Trust that it is OK to be afraid of being let go of again.

All this is written with so much anxiety, that I can't even begin to describe it. I have NEVER in my life felt anxious before. I thought it was not really a thing that would occur in my life. But I guess as much as I will be a child forever, I can't remain a princess forever. It's melancholic, but also life. And in a way as hard as that can be at times, it's still beautiful - because it's real.

As I look out of my window over the city, I spot an airplane, and I feel SUCH an urge to be on it. I want to witness something bigger, I want to see the world from above. And right here, right now, with these emotion, this restlessness, I feel trapped.
Wow, what a switch from my first blog post - arriving in the city of dreams, where souls fly and the whole world is at your feet. Back then there was nothing to stop me. So why is there now? Why do I feel beatable instead of unbeatable?

As I'm sitting here I look at the picture I have of my grandma in a frame, and it sends shivers down my spine. What probably should've been tears turn into goosebumps and a sigh. There is so much. So much life and love I need to communicate to her these days, and she's not here.
Rarely do I NEED people. I want to keep them in my life, but rarely do I NEED to speak to them and be with them. It's just how I brought myself up, I guess... how I was built. So when I have those few moments when my soul NEEDS someone - an advise, a simple message or a tight hug, it breaks my heart when I realize this isn't possible.
I need to come up with a plan with you, Grandma Mette. I need to laugh with you and remind myself how bright and big my future is. I need to see your face and be empowered by pure love that touches all the strings of the heart.

But she's not here, so I sit and focus on my breath and carefully choose my words that now become immortal. A feeling doesn't last forever, but words do - and so this is now part of my adventure in NY. This scary moment.

My friend texts me, "Hey Princess Jasmin", and I break into tears and curl up in a ball on my bed. Why would you say that? I keep thinking over and over again... it's too much for me to handle right now, because the love in that sentence is too much of a load for me to accept right now, in fear of having it taken away again.
So I just wrote to my friend and she said I was thinking too much. Everything will be fine I know.. However, I would never have much to blog about if I didn't think too much. True?

The Empire state building is now in green lights. Like Elphaba in Wicked or like anxiety? Who knows?

Tomorrow I have a job interview for the box office at Carnegie hall. This shall be interesting, and very scary at the same time. Just be me. Right? :)

I also have auditions at 10am and then performing in the worship team late afternoon with The Salvation Army at prayer night.

I feel like I need to go to my next step. Which is planning all these auditions/interviews. So I will be back soon. This time I actually promise, because it feels so good to paint the NY picture on paper again.

Blessing, Jasmin!