A few seconds ago, I
passed a window that had all kinds of shapes of lamps. Light shining and
displayed different ways. This to me is like human beings. See; interestingly
enough, all the lamps are just as strong, but none shine the same way. And as
tangled and oddly shaped they were, it only confirmed to me that our path to
light is sometimes tangled, not always easy. Some people find what makes them
shine at an early age.
- I think I have in a
way – but my outlet is still tangled. I still need to find out what my light is
here for.
It’s such a
difficult, but beautiful journey.
And that goes to you
too. I don’t care how old, wise and figured it out perceive you; deep in your
heart, you’re still asking Jesus, or the universe, or yourself (whatever comes
to you easiest) how to make best use of the outlet to make that light shine.
And what do people
even take you for? As just the one face that’s on the surface before they make
an effort to get to know you? … no.
Isn’t it nice to know
that you aren’t the only person who’s aware of the luggage you carry? Sadly,
not many of my age are aware of this – or seem to care, perhaps.
How do we treat old
people, or the homeless on the street, or our teachers?
No one is just ‘wise’
or ‘doomed poor’ or ‘caretakers’. We are all people.
Seeing this – and
learning it more every single day, as I dig deeper into art (the most
vulnerable part of human souls), and as I become older… and wiser, if you may,
is the greatest gift to life, I believe.
Another great gift, I
can tell you right now as I walk up 8th avenue from Pearl studios to
the performing arts library at Lincoln Center, and so ever awkwardly tro to
write in my notebook, whilst trying to be a mindful New York pedestrian, I see
the gift of the blossoms of spring.
-
The ones I
almost believed never to come. The gift of new life.
Just like the promise
of the butterfly on my t’shirt that my therapist talked about, the sweet
blossoms prove that no matter how hard a winter – they always burst out, and in
so many more beautiful ways than expected.
And OH WOW, I had
been waiting for the blossoms to come out. And perhaps spring time is a time of
blossom for me too…
*
I just passed the theatre where I had my NYC debut as Ilse
in Spring Awakening, another thing to be grateful for.
I‘m listening to Eva Cassidy on my phone as I slowly walk
towards Columbus circle… of course, - what better background music can you pick
for spring time in the park?!
It’s interesting.. recently I did a project that
experimented with how having ear plugs in transcend, or rather locks us into a
specific world, that neither that neither of the people around us take a part
in. It’s like my own movie – everything I see in the city is accompanied by Eva
Cassidy.
And then the song ‘Fields of gold’ come one, nothing
better.. except I just thought to myself… I want my OWN Fields of gold, you
know. Fields of gold is my go to song, the one thing in my audition book that
always captures me perfectly, and catches people’s attention… but what if I
could write that… something that was even more me, because I would’ve written
it, but musically and energetically it would be perfect too.
As I walk into Central Park, taking in all the wonders of
spring, I recall how I used to take walks with my grandma, in my mind. I used to
go places I knew she’d enjoy, and talk about the things we saw on the way.
Oh, how beautiful it is here in the park. Maybe she can walk
with me again today.
I’m underneath a cherry blossom tree, looking up at the pink
leafs falling gently over me, and it’s the best thing that I have done this
whole week. It is such a profound and beautiful touch of life. And when you
REALLY touch life, you touch the core of happiness.
.. Kids playing on the field. I want to run around and play
too.
Now she sings again, “I would’ve come to you again, though
it were 10.000 miles away”, and that’s exactly how I feel. I would travel
10.000 miles.
If I found out my grandma was on the other side of the
planet, I would clean the bathrooms at Grand Central Station for as long as I
had to to get there and see her.
Oh my gosh.. I just
stepped into Sheep Meadow in Central Park, and in the far distance I’m looking
at the biggest most magical tree with white/light pink flowers.. like a touch
of heaven.
.. On the grass, a little kid must have dropped dog teddy
bear – no kidding, RIGHT as I was thinking about my dog in Portugal, my loyal
friend. And that’s what this new friend will be to me. I will be a symbol of a
loyal follower through my artistic journey. When I loose myself, I will have
his loyalty, because I now pour my love into this little thing, and promise to
never forget it or leave it when I go to my auditions .. a whole handful of
loyalty, how about that!
Nearing the tree, and it only gets bigger and bigger.
Guys.. there are just no words to describe how magic this
tree is. And then moving closer, it just seems to get more beautiful.. as so it
is in life – the deeper you invest and walk into it, the more beautiful and
profound layers you find.
*
All these colors <3 This reminds me of a book I’m reading
right now called ‘My journey to heaven’. It’s a man who describes heaven, as he
shortly experienced it, when he died for a time. In the book he describes the
colors that he saw in heaven.
And the most significant of them being; white. He says it’s
nothing like any shade of color found on earth, imagine the purest and fullest
of white, and then a million times that on top of it.
I feel like these white trees are a bit like that, like
nothing I’ve seen in a long time.
They are white, but have a shade of pink, depending on how
much light is cast on them, and how deep my eyes focus in on them.. but when
you walk up close to them, they are milky white. Magic to me.
Another tree… dark pink/purple with a smell like the purest
perfume.
All this – my friends – is pure love. A truest of the kind,
from God.
As I walk out the park, I go through strawberry fields.. a
perfect way to remind you how spirits live on in the places they’ve touched.
Wow, I just saw a couple – an old man and an old dwarf
woman. Holding hands, married couple, down the street. Cutest thing ever that
out a big smile.
So.. about strawberry fields, a man was playing the beatles’
songs on a guitar perfectly – and entirely in their spirit, warming the hearts
of those people around them.
*
Walking alone is sometimes strange, when you take notice of
how obvious people look at you for wandering on your own. But I was born a
wander, so… I only wish they will see the park to the depth that I do today. At
peace and grace.
Feeling alone, yes, but then a smile lights up on my face as
I truly remember that I’m not alone. God is walking with me.
I mean how precious to know he’s watching me ALL the time.
That he has a plan, and he knows where I’m going. Now, I imagine him up there,
smiling of pride, “Oh, look, Jasmin is a step closer to the light I have
planned for her. She’s so close to figuring it out.”
A woman just walked by me with triplets in a stroller and
the biggest smile on earth, THAT indeed is a gift too.
*
“Come away with me and I’ll write you a song”, Norah Jones
sings. Now that I think of it, I feel like that’s exactly what God is telling
me.
HE says: CHOOSE me, FOLLOW me, TRUST me and I’ll show your
light, I will bring you the best gifts you could ever dream of. And to me,
Jasmin, music is one of the purest gifts ever, so this metaphor couldn’t make
more sense to me.
*
I’m walking into the park again, because the library didn’t
have Chess the musical, which I’ll be stage managing for school.
In the park, there are still a lot of Easter lilies.. now
knowing it’s past Easter, it’s a little funny.. but then I think – Jesus has
still risen. We should still be celebrating that. Every day of our lives, in
our hearts it should be Easter all year long, just like Christmas!
*
Walking back into the park is not as easy as it may seem. It
was an effort to walk out and now walking back into what’s already seen, you
have to be patient with – seeing it anew!
That everything is enough, and I don’t have to go somewhere
else.
I only have one plan this afternoon: going to St. Patrick’s
Cathedral and light a candle for my grandma. Praying towards her birthday
tomorrow.
Now, listening to Celine Dion truly is a blessing. She sings
about the miracle of life – a child or love, whatever life is to you; anyhow,
that definitely is what spring is about. Another gift.
“I see skies of blue, and clouds of white, the bright
blessed day..” – it truly is spring she’s singing about. What a wonderful
world.
- The colors on the rainbow, that too are seen on the faces
of people walking by. I mean.. how great of a metaphor is that.
*
“When the world breaks your heart, no matter where on earth
you are, you can come to me.”
Could that be my grandma speaking to me through the song?
Because being in heaven now, I can literally reach out and say a prayer to her
from wherever I am.
The wind just blew in my face, as if it said – yes, it’s
true.
The wind has always been her, to me. Because love is like
the wind; you can’t see it, but you can feel it.
“I know you think you’ve got to try to be my hero, but don’t
you know the stars you wish upon they fall, it’s true, but I STILL believe in
you”, the song goes on.. as do the purest, tiniest tears on my face. No one,
except one standing face to face with me, would be able to see this girl was
crying, because it was tears with grace.. because of this coming lyric..
“The seven seas you sail, they leave you feeling lost and
alone, let my heart be your beacon of hope”.
And so I WILL. I will let the power of love go above all.
That magical friendship that touched all the strings of her heart, as she said.
I will let all that stand out.
I will never loose it, sometimes I can’t find it, and it
makes me sad, but I know I’ll never loose it.
I’ve prayed and cried and dreamed and begged so much that I
almost could expect God to send her down to me for even just a few seconds. So
much to the point that I search for her here in the park among all the faces I
pass.
But I don’t find her anywhere. I think my heart would
stop or my soul would collapse if I did
see her. If I actually got to hug her just one more time, I might’ve died of
happiness. I would rather die, so I could be with her.. and because I know
heaven is a beyond beautiful, happy and magical place.
But even if I did want that now, I don’t think my job here
is done at all. I think I have great things ahead of me that she can’t wait to
see.
Or I would rather say – I choose to believe that, because I
know I can’t go there now. I don’t think so anyway. I guess you never know, but
I will choose not to be selfish in this moment, and celebrate the life here,
until I get to the life in heaven. For now, there are so many other loved ones
I can’t live without here where I am.
But for today, like right now, it’s all about my grandma,
because now.. as I finish typing in this blog post till way past midnight, it’s
her birthday.. and I want to celebrate and reminisce and have tea and channel
my mind to precious experiences I have had with her. If anyone should celebrate
her birthday, even after she is gone, I DEFINITELY should be one of them.
Happy Birthday. And happy spring!
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