If I had the capacity
and growth in my 21 year old mind to give you an exact understanding of
everything that’s been going on, you must think me crazy – because as I have
found, encounters on such a profound spiritual level are known real when they
are inexplicable. What’s beautiful about living life at its full depth and
seeing God working in it is that it’s all confusing, wonderful and overwhelming
at the same time. Oh it is such a grand thing that takes your breath away, when
you for sure have felt God speaking to you.
This is to the point
where I just want to spend all day singing worship songs with tears running
down my cheeks, or just kneeling down, thanking Him again and again.. or
sitting outside in the park, looking at all the wonders that he created – to
think that he create all this for me.
Recently, God has
spoken to me through the relationships I’ve made. One that is the closest to my
heart these days is the incredibly filling heavenly friendship I’ve found in
Jody and Stuart, the Australian couple at NY temple. Their story of following
God’s calling about building worship in the heart of Manhattan is just the most
amazing to witness. They keep having new stories to tell about how God keeps
working in them, and being a member of their church and worship at NY temple is
one of the best witnesses I’ve done.
What blows my mind is
that we both arrived from the other side of the world at the same time. During
summer 2013, I flew on a plane halfway around the world left, whilst they flew
around the world right. When I arrived my family, both in church community and
heart became the Wittenbergs in Hempstead. I understand why I was sent to them
and the growth I’ve been through with them kind of blows my mind too.
They were my solid
rock to rely on, when I was grieving my grandma’s death, which happened the
weekend before I started studying Musical Theatre at New York Film Academy.
Absolutely tragic and overwhelming, but amazing what things God wanted me to do
with it – create such strong unbreakable relationships here, feel connected to
worship at Hempstead citadel, and use my longing for dance (from wanting to
pursue my grandma’s talents and dreams that she never got to fulfill) by
teaching worship dance. What a wonderful world that opened up to me, simply by
the people God lead me to.
Now, my heart is
still with Hempstead, but my passion is planted in the heart of Manhattan, and
my grieving is not my source of creation and connections in the same way
anymore.
The few times I got
to hear Jody or Stuart speak, I always returned home feeling so filled and
amazingly changed for the better in ways I could not wrap my head around. It
was always a gift and amazing benefit for my spiritual life the times I was
unable to go to go to Hempstead because of an overload of school work, or
financial difficulties that made me unable to take the trip all the way to Long
Island.
- Without saying I
wanted to escape Hempstead – never!.. this will always be where my church
family is, - where I became a senior soldier on Easter Sunday in 2014 (exactly
a year ago!). But coming to NY temple always surprised me with a very intimate
and profound feeling. I was usually left in tears, not understanding how it is
I had found God on this level that I hadn’t known how to approach before. I
learnt that worship is not just a note or a dance move, - it is the deepest
feeling in your heart and a full experience.
And whenever Jody or Stuart spoke, I was AMAZED by their
creation. These two powerful human beings that stood at the front of worship,
wearing no uniform, but suit and full make up with heels. I didn’t quite
understand how they had been given such a role and where they came from,
bringing the deepest form of worship with them. I just wanted them to speak
forever. I could sit in the temple all day and listen to them, and it was like
everything settled in me. Their trust and faith in God blew my mind completely.
The fact that they were looking so hip and cool and glamorous, yet graceful and
humble, bringing a form of worship I’d never seen any official officer in the
Salvation Army bring to the table before.
And it BLOWS my mind that as I write right now, God sends me
the exact songs I need to hear on my Christian Pandora radio.
First:
“You can change. Wrap your mistakes in a cacoon, let them
die and emerge a butterfly. You can change.”
Then:
“My child, I love you. And as long as you’re seeking my
faith, you’ll walk in the power of my dearly sufficient grace.”
And he tells me over and over again: “You will be fine. You
will be fine.”
The last thing he said to me a few days ago was: “Something
is waiting for you. Something is waiting for you. Something is waiting for
you”.
His voice in my mind has seemed to be exactly what was
healing in the moment, that I’m convinced it wasn’t a made up thought – because
at times in our lives when we need inspiration and encouragement, it often does
not come from ourselves, we need a supportive word or hug from someone else.
It’s a higher power. Real words of encouragement come in times of stillness and
grace. That’s when the heavens open and can enter into your soul.
Dear Jody, encouraged me this morning to be fine with being
in an in between place – this time of no school and no real destination.. a
time of finding the right door for me. I was frustrated that I couldn’t find
what door to actually walk through.. knowing how good I am at opening several
at a time, and then leaving them open, not really daring to trust one of them –
thinking it might be the wrong one OR on the other hand being so overwhelmed of
the beauty and success there is inside, that I won’t enter, because I don’t see
myself worthy of being there.
Speaking up about the conflict in my soul that’s been there
for months and months and then sharing it with Jody, who is such a beautiful
woman of God, is one of the best decisions I could make. Because sharing it
with her, who is so filled with the holy spirit means that God was very present
and I have poured my heart out to Him once again.
I shared how much resistance I feel towards the dream I have
now – not letting myself prepare as best as I could for auditions, not having
the drive to wake up at 5am early in the morning to sign up for being seen by
big Broadway Casting directors. Crazy right? Being able to do that in the
greatest city in the world is just far beyond amazing, and I should be thankful
every day that I wake up in the city of dreams. Which I am .. but this drive
that has been shut down over these past months, is this because I won’t let
myself succeed, or is it because God is telling me my path is somewhere else
right now?
All these dreams of traveling? To Rio … to finally learn
Portuguese and witness some of the most amazing natural views on this planet.
To Israel … on a pilgrimage and to write and understand more things about my
spirituality. To Nepal.. to volunteer with children suffering from the
earthquake.
Dreams of writing novels that I’m many chapters into so far,
but have been on hold for years. Dreams of composing.. the approximately 50
songs that are nowhere but in my own personal songwriting book – yet every time
I give myself the opportunity to share it with someone it sweeps them under
their feet. Dreams of encouraging young artists in the Salvation army to find
the storytelling and true heart of worship through the performing arts, not
just by a great performance of song or dance. How amazing it would be to share
the connection I feel when I sing and dance in church?
So many dreams! And only one of them is the one God has
planned for me.. .or you know what probably a whole other version of what I
imagine, is what he has set up for me to achieve.
The fact that he already knows all that he has in store for
me is just so beautiful to me, that I can’t even begin to understand all that
he has seen me worthy of.
*
The other day Jessica came home and said, “Jasmin, you will
never believe what happened!!! At prayer group this evening God had given a
message to one of us to say to a woman in church. No one knew who it was, but
he told us to say; Queen (name). You are beautiful and have authority.” Blew my
mind because 1.) I call people Queen ALL the time, it’s just a fun expression
that I have at the moment that people always call me out on because it’s silly.
But to think that God would call me.. or just anyone on earth ‘Queen’, isn’t
that AMAZING. And 2.) Praying for believing I’m beautiful enough and can step
up in my life and take charge, ‘have authority’ is the two things that have
been on my mind mostly. How absolutely incredible is that?!
It is something I can’t quite wrap my head around, and still
feel overwhelmed by, because of the unconditional grace He gives me.
Grace is a state of being. It’s a choice for life. It’s a
way to communicate through the deepest part of your heart, with humbleness and
stillness, but the greatest power ever. It is that inexplicable depth of a song
that sends shivers down your spine.
Grace is everything I want to be, sing about and find in
people.
*
So I returned to NY temple from Hempstead about a month ago
because it was much easier to have everything in the city after graduating,
looking for positions in the army here in the city, financially and also
spiritually I felt a move coming.
Much to my amazement, there was so much more in store for me
in the home of Jody and Stuart’s worship on 14th street.
I quickly found a place in the worship band to play and sing
on Tuesday evenings, when they had their special worship nights. An evening
full of worship and sharing testimonies – meaning everything from a Sunday
meeting that makes my heart soar entirely. My love just keeps growing for being
a part of this and my heart keeps expanding for Jody and Stuart’s work, as I
see it drawing closer and closer to my dreams and visions.
The greatest one of all is our dream of putting together a
big concert. They see the people of New York playing on the streets come in and
join in one big band. I see the songs I keep to myself most of the time, being
shared through graceful worship to touch hearts of as many as possible. Which
quite possibly could be the same vision in different shades. We both want
profound worship. Everyone in church does, I think. But what’s amazing is that
we both can and will do so. Once a dream is set out there to the shooting
stars, it is with you till it is fulfilled, I have learned.
So I just can’t wait to see what God has in store for this
new connection. I know how much I’ve grown spiritually this past month by just
being in their presence and participating, and to me that must mean that I am
in the core of where God wants me to be.
So I continually listen with my heart open. How grand a
quest to be set on!
*
One thing I mentioned to Jody was how sad I felt about my
drive not being as present as I remembered it to be before – mostly before I
came to New York actually is when I had a drive that was indestructible because
I was so set on making it to New York, no matter how unrealistic it looked to
be.
But then Jody said something that kind of opened up a whole
new world to me. That perhaps this is not a bad thing, there is a reason for
this state of being, of ‘waiting’. That maybe God showed me the drive that I’m
capable of, and now, in this season, maybe God wants that drive to be towards
Him. Once I have an indestructible drive of finding and worshipping Him every
day, I think everything else will become so much clearer.
I don’t know if what Jody mentioned was truly God’s plan for
me this moment, but all I can say is that I can’t get enough of feeling near to
Him. I feel miserable when I come into a zone, where I step out of it. I want
Him to be part of everything I do, if he’s not, I don’t want to do it. So I
will look for all that we love to do together in grace!
*
When you do things with God, everything is possible. I have
one cute example that actually blew my mind…. Once again.
So… I have always had an excellent musical ear, I can pick
up things on the spot and I can hear what sounds good and less good in an
instant. One thing that has never been my strongest part of my musical skill is
creating harmonies. Whenever I have been in big choirs, I have sung my harmony
perfectly … but that actually being the melody line most of the time, because I
am a high soprano, so I was never ever asked to do an alto line, that has all
the awkward interval jumps. This means I grew up sounding great alone on solo
lines and mending that with people in a big group, but I didn’t expand my harmony
skill as much as I probably should. That being said, if I was given the
harmonies to practise, I would nail it.. but making harmonies up on the spot, I
haven’t attempted to do much lately, because it was so hard for to find on the
spot, without seeing the music in front of me, or having practiced beforehand.
And when I heard a few students from my class around me who
made it a hobby to harmonize with literally everything that produced sound
around them in class or whenever I was walking with them in public, I just told
myself to not even try to make up harmonies on the spot, knowing I wouldn’t do
excellently… and so it became a mental thing, and after a while my mind started
believing that I literally could NOT harmoize, and I should NOT try.
So after some months, alone in my room, I would try even so
a few times… often in the shower.. with a solo show ending in horrible,
hopeless tears, because I just COULDN’T find the harmonies. Simply because
there was a devilish block in my mind that stopped me from hearing the true
music, giving me the freedom of harmonizing on the spot. This made me so
frustrated, and I stopped trying. For a long time. Even though I SO wanted to
have that skill.
…..Then one day I was listening to my worship radio on
Pandora, and out of no where I found the easiest, yet beautiful harmonies …
singing along with amazing singers like Laura Story, Kari Jobe and Sara Groves.
I thoughts it might’ve just been an incredibly easy song… but all through the
radio, I kept going. Harmony after harmony. And so I kept listening to that
worship radio - because apparently the way worship music was written, it was so
much easier for me to find the harmonies.
And that lead into making harmonies up on the spot for songs
at worship night, lead under Stuart and Jody.
And so these days one thing has become clear to me. That I
could harmonize effortlessly to worship music, because when worshipping God is
present and he gave me that gift back – the one I’d had, but had suppressed and
felt negative about for so long, because I was afraid. Over these past weeks
it’s all come back to me, and I now I hear – and sing out loud – the harmonies
everywhere I go. Whether it’s at worship night with the planned songs, or in
the dining room to the radio.
Second worship night for me, which was last week, yet - I
got so extremely upset. I’d arrived with such a burden of a rough day behind
me, but had looked forward all day to just letting go of everything unimportant
that was heavy on my heart and be calmed and find peace through worshipping.
But standing there, alone by the microphone, not behind the
piano like last week.. I suddenly felt the pressure of not being worthy enough
of standing there again, and I caved in – not helping at all with the peace I
came here for.
I didn’t breathe much while singing, which meant I cracked
at a higher note, and I was so upset because of that. Not because of cracking a
note in front a whole church community as the lead singer – even though that
sounds pretty scary too … no upset because I hadn’t let myself trust that Jesus
could’ve brought me the peace I needed. In that moment, I believed in my fear over Him, and I couldn’t handle the
disappointment in myself. I whispered to myself over and over again that it was
not my place to judge myself.
And after the songs I moved myself all the way to the back
of the room, and I sat alone with my silent tears. I thought, “Well if I can’t
even let go of my fear in the presence of Jesus, then where is my hope?” But I
know that God was not judging me in that moment, and just as I thought this,
Stuart walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder and very sincerely and
powerfully said, “That was AMAZING!”. And I knew from then on that I should try
to put a lid on my perfectionism, because worship is in the presence, the
wanting, the seeking, the speaking, the singing…. Not the mistakes. I really
don’t think God could care any less, I sit now and laugh out loud about it.
So you know what? How about I start only allowing thoughts
that God would allow. What’s the point with thoughts that God wouldn’t think of
us anyway? He loves us so
unconditionally with his whole being, so why should we even begin to highlight
whatever cracks there are every now in the human imperfect world?
ESPECIALLY when worshipping for him!
How do you worship best?
Xx
How do you worship best?
Xx
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your heart and journey.
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