Thank God for new
friendships. As old friends leave, I always find myself meeting new wonderful
faces. I can’t believe what great gifts God give us. I mean thinking about all
the special friendships I have been blessed with, I can’t believe how beautiful
it is that I’m only 21, and there are so many more people to come. There are so
many special people in this world, that it awes me.
At the moment, I am
speaking a lot with a friend from the Markle who’s name is Lisa. She is fun and
loving and openhearted – much like me, and she is one of the heroes in this
city. She was brave to come, to start a new chapter in her life, after her
husband passed away a few years ago. To me turning that whole story into a
triumph like coming to NY is amazing, hence why I admire her. We go to yoga and
kickboxing together, and sometimes I eat lunch with her in the park on East
Manhattan, where she works, where I go to counseling.
So thank God for new
friends like that. Can you imagine what it would be like to be alone? Why do we
sometimes choose it?.. I don’t know, but I will try my best to remember how
beautiful it is in fact to meet new people.
….
Staying more present
in the moment is a good value that’s coming along.. meaning not always wanting
to be somewhere else.
Today I so felt like,
and so knew I needed to dance. This evening I found a donation based studio
where I can take contemporary and ballet classes every week, leaving just a few
dollars, in reality.
I hadn’t been in
ballet class for so long. I forgot how free I felt. I walked the 30 min walk to
the studio, with Swan Lake playing in my ears, completely having forgotten how
much it made me want to fly, and just soak into the art. Dance does that to me.
I’d say above anything else. And I don’t allow myself to pursue it very often.
This is an important lesson for artists.. human beings in general; letting
yourself do what makes you happy!
And as I rethink over
all the different aspects of the artist in me, maybe dancing for me is so
special, because it’s the only way my grandma is kept with me… I feel like that
wind, that presence of her existence some times. Extending that line in ballet,
reaching for that something, spinning effortlessly every now and then.. oh man
that feeling is indescribable. I can’t believe my luck in having found this, I
should think to myself. So, Jasmin, keep doing it. Seriously, as I was walking
through Manhattan I thought, “You should be dancing ever single day”, because
it makes me so happy. I feel like my spirit soars and I have wings to fly when
I really let go here. A rare thing…. But maybe that’s the point - I should be
able to do this, I should ALLOW myself the feeling of letting go, and just
trusting. And I should do. Because when I do it’s like touching the robe of
Jesus sometimes.
…
Tomorrow morning is
another audition for Fiddler on the roof, which I hope I can be seen for.
I’m falling asleep
and I only have 6 hours more to sleep on. Let’s go. Tomorrow is a new bright
day full of opportunities to fly!
Much
love, Jas
“Broken, I’m breaking
and breaking apart” is a lyrics of a song from a new favorite artist, Hem. I
don’t know why this song catches my attention so much. The way she builds up
the lyrics, but sings in such a peaceful and graceful way. “We keep shooting
around. These chains in the chambers are ready to blow.”
To me this sounds
like one being held down by a force, wanting to break out.
Yesterday in my
counseling session, Julie looked at my butterfly t’shirt and said that I was
the butterfly. I am in an in between place, as most people after they graduate,
and I am waiting to find my path, where I blossom the most – and become the
butterfly on my t’shirt. I thought that was very beautiful.
Now, yesterday I
wrote a long post on my wall with a picture of me dancing in the light (my
grandma), it’s her birthday tomorrow on she’s really been on my mind and
touched my life through friends and experiences these days. This is a blessing
from God, - that I feel her closer these days. Tomorrow she would have been 71,
which is hard to understand. She should have had decades more in my life. As I
was lying in bed last night, I tried talking to her. I looked up at all the
glow in the dark stars I have in my room, and I talked or her through that,
remembering how we always used to fall asleep outside in the garden, underneath
the stars. All my closest friends who have come to my room have picked their
star on my personal sky. I know where my own star is, which took a lot of work
to find. It’s always very personal picking your star, and very difficult too.
WOW SO annoying, my
blog post was just deleted from here on. Basically it’s like it has to be a
fight for me to finish every post I try to write about my grandma. It’s just
not happening. It has to tomorrow on her birthday though.
Basically I wrote that
I found that the biggest star on my personal sky of course – without a doubt –
is grandma. No one else has picked that for themselves, and no one should. I
need my friends who visit to be honest and humble, if they think they deserve
to be the center of my sky, I will show them their way out. Truth is everyone
is, but not everyone can be obviously in the number of stars there are.. and
that only big one in the center of my sky is special – and that is my grandma.
And now I can’t catch
up on what else I wrote, because I have to start getting dressed for auditions,
so I will come back later. This morning I had yoga, then I went to breakfast as
quickly as I could and then straight to the writing. Always always when I start
writing more again, it’s like and addiction. Words HAVE to get on the page,
it’s like energy. A way of breathing, I suppose. Let’s see where this energy
goes the next days. I know that writing about my surroundings makes me become
more aware of my surroundings and understand why every thing in my day is
happening. Like all the signs from grandma that God sent me. I’m sure it’s like
tiny forms of angel dust that he blows down to earth and sends me as love and
healing and support. Nothing is a coincidence.
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