I don't NEED people, but I choose not to live without them

My new best friend has left the country. Mary-Anne and I soon became very close, the second she moved into the room right next to me at the markle for two weeks. We just clicked and when we were together it was like nothing else in the world mattered. She got me, and was always the warmest most sincere hug I could give and got in return throughout the whole day.

So it’s very hard being alone now again. Which, truthfully, I’m not.. I have other good neighbors and great class mates and people all around me, in New York city.. duh! .. you always bump into new faces. But sometimes you’re just lucky to find that person who is all you need in a friend. And if she ever reads this all the way from South Africa, I would like to thank you, Mary-Anne, for being such a beautiful friend to me, and winning the award of being my person in NYC for the new year.

Now I’m about to watch a movie.. or fall asleep to it, like we’d always do. And she gave me the most adorable teddy bear, in human size.. so I had something to cuddle when I felt alone. It is giant and just SO great.

I skyped with my granddad in Portugal today, and he laughed at me when he saw me cuddling the teddy bear.. and just had to double check my age. But I kindly told him I intended to never grow up. ;)

However, being apart from the people I just want to spend every moment of every day with makes me stronger. It’s easier not to have them around, so you don’t have to feel conflicted when you need to prioritize work over quality time with them. I mean who doesn’t want to watch netflix with their best friend or family all day, cozying up on the couch? Right?.. So it’s so much easier for me to go back to not needing people, like I had it the first year and many months I came to the city. I didn’t have that person I could share everything with, so I decided I wouldn’t ask for it. It made me focus on my goal in the arts here.

I didn’t ask for it, but I got it. With Kerrie my best friend who moved to England, who just blew my mind in her support and friendship and good company, and I fell in love with her soul that it hurts being away from her.

Then right after Mary-Anne who just as strongly, but in such different ways blew my mind with her good company, faith in God and wise words, and I completely fell in love with her soul. And equally I want to be around her all the time, because my soul is drawn to her – extending the friendship more and more, learning and growing together and having someone who makes you feel so much at home wherever you go, that you never thought you’d be that lucky.

Home as in, - someone who for some reason makes you be the best version of yourself when you’re with them, without even trying hard, someone you feel like you’ve known forever, because you would trust your life in their hands and you cherish them because they understand you and suddenly it hits you that if you were to go away there’d be someone who not only misses you with their whole heart, but also would know what song to play at your funeral, without ever asking me for my request.

And these kind of people I feel like I NEED. And I always wonder if they NEED me too. And so through the years, I’ve acknowledged that I am afraid of being unattached to people, unless we NEED each other.

Special friends usually come from sharing a vulnerable or dark or any form of special or intense moment. If you needed someone’s shoulder to cry on after loosing your grandma, a friendship blossoms from that, because the comfort and care that comes from supporting in that moment, is something that is now bonding you together.

So after the healing, when comfort isn’t as strongly needed, that bond is not as urgent. You prove that you don’t NEED that person, and carry on as an adult. You know? It’s natural. But friendships grow from that.. that’s where they can start, or they can start from other things.. just a random cup of coffee .. or a joke.

But I always feared that if I didn’t show that I NEEDED people, I could risk them suddenly not being there.

Because if there didn’t HAVE to be there for me, they might not want me for just appreciation of a friendship.

Isn’t that silly? But it’s true, I think deep down this is what I fear. So I’ve tried to look back over things in my life and see if there has been any kind of loss that would have made me so scared of losing people. To the level where I will let myself wallow in sadness longer, just to keep the shoulder there next to me to cry on.

But the other day my therapist asked me consider that friendships can grow from that – and yes I’m right the bond does seem stronger under such circumstances, because it’s more evident… but then the friendships blossom from then on. AND consider the fact that a friendship doesn’t always have to be because you NEED them and they NEED you. A real friendship appreciates one another just for being with each other.

And I realized what those friendships are to me. I am so happy that I know I have the close friends who I don’t feel I’ll loose after the storm is calm again… and then I too find peace with friendships that might just be for when the storm hits. Knowing fully how precious they were in the moment, but not side by side to you for the rest of your journey. And those kinds of friends are just pure blessings from above, angels on earth who have been sent from God to support you to carry through a storm.

For a long time, I FORGOT what it was like to have someone. Like your person, your best friend kind of someone. And lying here alone.. I keep feeling like I NEED them with me, I NEED them to be here. I can’t go on without them close.

But I don’t want to just NEED people.. or convince myself I do. You know what I think it is?

.. I think there is just such a strong connection for me when I find that special friend. That’s not because I NEED them, and can’t go on with my life without them.. but it’s that I hold them SO DEAR, that I don’t ever want to make the decision of living without them.

I treasure them so much that I need to prioritize people like them in my life to be as happy as I am when I’m with them.

That is where the need is. In the choice of how I spend my life, who I keep in my baggage.

Moving away in distance from people is hard because I remember how many people I’ve moved away from. I guess I only start to feel more real, more human, less robot. And that’s good.. but also difficult.

But oh, how it feels good to know how much your heart is filled with love and has grown from that.

For now,

Sleep tight! And tell your person, or your people you love them with all your heart.

Xxx