That extra work gives the magic

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Today in ballet we talked about how our mock audition had gone last class (the choreography that I told you about performing). Horrible is how it had went, we roughly concluded! No-one knew it completely, few were actually dancing, some were standing still, some looked like they didn't want to be there. And I've been in all of those roles in ballet at different times, I won't like - it has been a fight to let go, but I have found so incredibly much more joy and confidence to do it well.

However, what we talked about was the fact that the adrenaline that our body produces from knowing that it's a serious audition where someone watches us and either cuts or keeps us. It doesn't matter that what we do in class is a mock audition - we still get nervous and our teacher is an actor, so whenever he turns off his teacher face he is just as intimidating as any other choreographer or casting producer would be in this situation!

So, being nervous at the audition made very single one of us realize how little we in fact knew the choreography.. you don't realize until you stand there, and you loose track, because you think the person next to you is right, when they do another step that doesn't match the type or timing with yours.
Our teacher asked every one of us how long we'd spent on it. Some said 10 minutes, some said 20 minutes, some said 1 hours, some said 2 hours. And yet, standing in this situation we realized that this work wasn't effective enough.

So we have been given another chance, which is Thursday.
So I thought about how I could rehearse this choreography and engage myself more in it.
Just like I choreographed my 'Be born in me' dance from a subtext I wrote for each step myself, I found a reason and a story behind each step in the lyrics of the song.
What is ironic, and actually very amateur-like, is that even though we'd probably went through the dance with music about 20 times, I'd never actually really listened to the lyrics.

- But when I did, now alone in a classroom with peace and and open heart, I fell in love with it and broke down from feeling what the music and text together did to me.

You’re beautiful

Just the way you are

And I love it all

Every line, and every scar

And I wish that I could make you see

This is where you ought to be,

Come down to me.

It was like the prayer to myself from a voice deep in my soul.
But for me, whenever I am lost in the dance room, it is really because I am putting so much pressure on myself; to always dance my best for my grandma.. and maybe also in some ways try to feel her presence while I'm doing it. And when I got a step wrong it was a failure to my grandma. Extreme isn't it.
But truth is; there is no dept to feelings. They run for miles and miles and go over enormous mountains.
If something means a lot to you, and you are vulnerable towards that, an extreme doesn't mean anything.

So with all of that, this meant that I heard my grandma singing these lyrics to me, instead of myself saying them. This made sense to me, and touched me the most, because what cures the 'feeling lost in the dance room' is if I can hear my grandma saying how proud and happy she was with me the way I am, in everything I do in every way.

So they way I worked with this dance was to write out the lyrics in hand and map out a story, with a subtext - like I mentioned earlier.
This gave a reason and a need/want for each step. And something searched for/wanting to achieve throughout the whole story.

I worked with this 2 hours after my 3 dance classes this morning (I have a 2,5 hour break between dance classes and Meisner).
Tomorrow I will be able to work on it again, since I finish school at 12. After a quick lunch, I will work on it for a couple of hours, before taking an extra ballet class at 3pm.

By the way, I am telling you I am beginning to live up to my ballerina-like figure. I did 2 perfect double pirouettes in a row today. I mean.. it's not the first time I've done a double pirouette.. but sometimes with my leg not straight enough, the arms aren't strong or round enough or the foot in passe' isn't glued to the knee. But today it was extraordinarily perfect. Very beautiful. And my teacher told me that, "Good, Jasmina!". It made me very happy. I am looking forward to do the audition Thursday and give my best there.

He said something very important to us today.
That we should remember to find joy in what we do, even though there is so much hard work to it. Because at some point that time is over, and when we look back on it, we want to remember it as happy time, a time that we got the best out of.

- and my favorite bit about the point that he made was this: that quite frankly, no one will remember us. Truthfully, everyone is the center of their own world, and their own growth is most important.
So when that is said, we should remember that when we sing a song or dance, it is for us. Everything we do should be for us, not for a performance for someone else.
We need to find the joy in it and be the center of the love and devotion we are sharing. Sharing onstage is for us. People only want to see someone perform who does it for their own joy of it.

He said that because he loves us. I really am starting to grow fond of him!

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I am watching the musical 'A little night music' - one of Sondheim's biggest classics. Here is one of the most popular musical theatre songs from, 'Send n the clowns'. It has been sung over and over again, and it is genius!
Ii is getting quite late, but the movie is almost over.
Today has been a long day. 6 hours of dance, 3 hours of emotional exploration in Meisner, homework for ballet, homework for performance lab, blogging and a 3 hour musical - while having some of the worst period pains ever! ...But that's a minor detail... I found the joy through all of it today.

Today I also took lots of beautiful pictures outside of the snow. I will make a post about them tomorrow or later.

Big kiss, X