I feel fat, yes I said it

The more I realize how many muscles ballet takes, the fatter I feel. When I sometimes can't carry myself through a double-turn, because my leg is weak, I feel freaking fat.. and that's when I determinedly go home and workout.. for about the 5th time that day.

You know during this period of finding my inner dancer, I also realized that this is it. With everything at this school obviously... - whatever we learn from the school is IT. That's what we will have for the rest of our career.
(Now obviously extra classes can be taken.. but generally this is the education).

It scared me a little, or shall I say, just gave me a heads up. WORK HARD, JASMIN!
Because.. I want to play Christine on Broadway with all my heart and soul, and she is a ballet dancer. Even if I sing and play the part beautifully, I will never get the role if I can't live up to the ballet choreography in the musical.

And I want to play Lorry in Oklahoma, who has a dream ballet, which is a romantic pas des deux between her and her lover.

I've just gotta get it right, I have to be real good.
Of course I wasn't totally ignorant to this fact.. it's quite evident, and something the teachers remind us every single week.
However, now I just really realized it, you know.
Almost frantically, I have been nervous to go to bed and end the day, always thinking I could practise more. To face another day at school not having grown as much as you could. Well.. I guess if not, that is part of a human life ;) ..but I think that is why I have also been going to bed at 12 or 1 am and waking up at 5 or 6 am, just going straight to stretching and dancing. That and the eagerness.

I got myself a new pair of ballet shoes, which I will make myself proud in, in this week's first ballet class tomorrow.
This morning I was at school around 8 and did some ballet exercises at the bar, before the class at 9 am. My ballet teacher had a class with the musical theatre students who started this semester. I so wanted to join, but I had improv class this morning.
I had time to get a bit of coaching from my teacher when he walked in before class though :)

I love the thought of getting better each and every day. I have come such a long way this week. My foite turns are getting really good. Just from starting to learn them over 3 days.
funny, today I got annoyed with myself for not being good enough. I want results, so typical.. but I forgot that I'd started on them 3 days ago, and I am in fact getting good really fast now!

I am watching Giselle on dvd again. It is a beautiful story. This is on the Royal Dutch stage in Amsterdam.. the place I saw 'Swan lake' for the first time.

It all looks so easy.. and of course it isn't.. but actually from practising last night, I also made the discovery, that if you approach it easy and tell yourself it's easy, then it actually makes it a lot easier.
And I think, that once I have gotten over that point and learnt how to go straight into the perfect pirouette position almost to the tip of the toes, .. when that comes naturally, and it isn't something I have to think a lot about, I think the multiple turns will come fast.

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Today we danced the waltz in our ballroom class. It was like in Cinderella!
Very enchanting. I can't wait for class tomorrow, and see how much better I've gotten since last week.
My teacher says I'm looking really good, but I know I need to work out more and get stronger to be really good.

Apparently, everyone at school has been talking about me. Chad has told all the other levels about me (even D4, above me) that "they really needed to up their game, because Jasmin was growing so fast!"

I think it's ironic how a teacher I was scared of, and nervous to be in the classroom with is now my favorite teacher, who I worship more than any of the other geniuses at our school.

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I am always thinking about how much and when I shall take in food. I try not to eat too much, and only take what is absolutely best and needed for me to grow. A salad and some rye bread would be good and then a green juice or two a day - for school.. and for breakfast - corn flakes, banana, juice and toast with honey and eggs.

But then at some point in the day I will realize how much energy I am spending, and I get really hungry. So only that isn't enough.. but I try to get by as healthy as I can.

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On Friday I am going to the Wittenbergs for the first time in a long time. This is for my first soldier lesson.
I also can't wait t practise for hour and hours and hours the whole weekend in my private dance room. The beautiful dance room they have at the corps.
Then either of the nights, I will watch Phantom of the Opera with Susan. I can't wait to fall in love with it all over again and be enchanted and inspired by the character I want to play the most.