When I first started this post, it was short and boring .. but I ended up writing on it all week, and it has now been filled with so many thoughts and news and updates, that I think it is reasonable to sum up this post as the start of 2nd semester.
How it all started out.... (for the second round at the elite school, NYFA) .........
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So starting the semester, you may remember that I had a lot of positive energy and a great willpower to rehearse for classes and work on my technique, in dance especially.It was the perfect beginning. And there are so many exciting classes that are new on my schedule. Things are getting intense.. and serious.
I was happy to be back, and for the first time I remember emerging the building thinking "aah! It's good to be home!".
Before long I was caught up by the annoying factor - stress. It never takes long, and I am starting to think it is just a part of the weekday, that you can't get rid of.
Some weeks I had breakdowns for no reason, just caused by the stress. I'd say it was way worse that the stress of the 1st semester.. but I believe as I am getting closer to the finish date of my programs - with all of my expectations and hopes in the back of my head - and also seeing how my account gets bigger and bigger below 0, for the loan that I have to pay back after I finish.. it is fair to say that my stress is caused by many big factors.
I have been really good to myself though, and for this semester I have started to make sure to spend some hours with friends in the weekend. Go to a movie, have a cup of tea, read fairy tales, take a walk in Central Park, walk Times square by night or things as such... and that has been very pleasing, since it was something I didn't make much space for in my calender last semester!
A major growth has been the 'aha-moment' of accepting my learning process and not focusing so much on the results. This is something I am still working on, and I still find it hard to accept sometimes . . because I am an extreme perfectionist.. but when that is said, I have really been able to embrace the small things around me - about my own growth and also the growth of my class mates.
I have set small goals for this semester that I wanted to work on.
Eating healthy, working out a lot to obtain the body I need for ballet, and going through ballet technique every day - so that I never fall out of the routine and need to start over, and then I want to focus on getting my belt placement better.
- I am excellent in classical and operatic musicals, and if become excellent in the contemporary belt-musicals, I will have SO many opportunities after I graduate. Then I can be a Christine, but also an Elphaba.
Then I can sing Disney songs the way Broadway wants to hear it ;)
Stopping to see how you grow is truly embracing.
I just realized that I have not yet posted a video of me singing or dancing yet, and I promise to do that soon.
- deep down, I honestly think I have refrained from doing it, because I never thought my performances were good enough, and I always thought you deserved to see something better.
But I think I - out of all of you who read it - is probably the hardest judge on myself.. and you know very well that I am here to learn. I am sure you'd be able to see how I've already become much better.
My talent is developing beautifully.
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As I described my 2 weeks have been filled with ups and downs, starting out this semester.For my first performance class, I was met with a bit of a downer.
- But now looking back at it, I wonder if most of the downer was how personally I took the critique and turned it into the worst possible respond to my performance. It actually seems a lot like me..!
So this is what I wrote last week:
"At my performance with 'Christmas lullaby' on Friday, I was told by my teacher that he still couldn't see my colors, and that he would have no idea what to cast me in.
- Which is hurtful, because to me that sounds like the learning process through 4 months has taken me nowhere. But that was very disappointing to hear, because I have put all of myself and possibly more into preparation.
So this left a lot of frustration, because as an artist you really just take what you hear from your audience and put that into thought. You should ALWAYS listen to your audience, because you might feel like you express one thing, but send out another.
- Of course not everyone can like you as a performer.. but that's another thing. In that case it's because the audience doesn't like the colors you show or the way you show them.
But having told that my colors aren't visible.. is like saying I don't have a soul.
So I have found tons and tons and tons of more roles and songs and composers and playwrights that I think express something I could fit into.. and that's what I'm going to the library to get now. Cd's Dvd's and tons and tons of sheet music."
- AND this last paragraph is the part I loved the most, because looking back on it I see how I turned this frustration into a strategic response.. searching for answers and new ideas to grow in, instead of just feeling judged and sad about the one thing that I stuck to.. thinking that something was wrong with me, and not the song choice.
That's actually 'the thing' about me in that class!
Our teacher often tells us, if I tell you you look horrible, chose a disgusting song or performed shit.. it is not meant to you as a person.
I find it hard to deal with harsh words like that, which is why I always take his words very personally.. but truthfully he is only telling us when we are going down a wrong path in choice of song etc.
He says that we will thank him later on in life. Which I actually don't doubt we will.
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Wednesday:Today is my early day. I finished at 11:30 with my scene study class. Thom, our teacher is a genius, and I am very lucky to have him. I didn't have him in a performance class last semester, so I am happy to be working with him these coming months.
I am on the subway, and scared that someone might squash the computer any time! .. anyhow, I am getting off at the next stop.. so I will be coming back later this afternoon.. after the library and after my food and supplies shopping.
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... I hoped that I could have made it to an extra ballet class this afternoon, but things always take longer than expected, so in the end I made the choice not to stress myself and focus on being able to do a few more 'homey' things, than hurrying back to school and back for dinner. I know that after dinner, even though you think - it's only 7 pm.. time just flies! So I can't expect to do all the things I want after dinner ;)I got some awesome sheet music at the library just now, and I am looking forward to work with it in class and make a proper order in my song binders.
I also borrowed some dvd's - a few for pleasure .. the kinds that I would watch on a Friday evening, if I had time.. (well for the story of it and admiring the great actors). - So I decided to make time for this, since it is hugely important to watch other people's work too.. and not just musicals!
One of them is Rabbit hole, one with Nicole Kidman that I remembered really wanting to see when it came out in movie theatres a year ago in Denmark.
Then I borrowed the ballet of Cinderella! I am very excited to see that. I have just been hungering to see ballet for a long time - obviously live.. but this is a good start.. that is until I have the money to see something with NYC ballet at Lincoln Center.
Then I got two musicals (durh' - an ironic thing is.. I'm not just watching musicals because I'm a musical nerd, but to cross them out of the repertoire that I need to see for school.. it's actually not possible to watch all the musicals ever made . there are SO many), and I am looking forward to keep learning through them.
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....... 6 hours later is when I got time to look at this draft again.. but I feel like it is so short, so I don't want to post it just yet.... and I am almost tilting my head on the computer because I'm about to fall asleep. it is half past 10.. I should be sound asleep.I will get back to you tomorrow night.
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Friday:Wow... or 2 nights after that ;) It has been HECTIC. Almost to overflowing. I think I chilled too much (hahaha - which for me means getting the rest I needed and watching musicals on dvd!) .. so towards the end of the week I found my schedule as being frustrating, because I hadn't planned it out well, enough time before.
I would like to apologize in advance for not having many pictures in this post. I keep reminding myself to bring my camera whenever I leave the house.. I will be better at this in the future. But I also do know that all family who long to hear about what I'm up to, will read it anyway.. even if I was the worst writer in the world. ;)
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Today, one of my teachers told me that I glow with something very interesting as an artist - that it seems there are many different layers to me as a person - but I don't let it fully show through my songs.So this will be the one major thing I want to work on.
However, this is a great compliment for me, because this means that I don't have to work hard or fight to convince that I'm better than I look, when I walk into the audition room... I already have that shining through my eyes naturally. That is a very special gift.
*
Today in performance lab, we were asked to lie on the floor for 15 minutes. Our teacher took time concentrating on each limb of our body.How every limb combined with us, with the floor, with the people in the room, with the whole world.
As we were lying there, our teacher reminded us that we are something very special. And we can choose to show that unique-ability or hide.
So we - as artists - choose to show it. And tell stories to the world with it.
When the exercise was over, we all rose slowly from the ground, but with straight and strong spines and stars shooting through our eyes.
For the class today, I sang 'It might as well be spring' from State Fair. This was actually one of the first Rodgers&Hammerstein musicals I saw - introduced to me by mormor and morfar. :)
This is such a beautiful song about a young girl, who is realizing the changes about her and around her, becoming a young adult. Spring is the new beginning and the blossoming of beauty and of course young romance. ;)
I think this was one of my best performances in this class, or definitely one of the best received ones!
When I first saw the musical movie, I thought the character was a bit boring and plain.. but now after digging into this song more, I am growing very fond of the character and I think it is a role I could play well.
I love how the music speaks in this song. The melody goes up and down up and down in tiny bows - just like the hopes of the young optimistic dreamer she is.
One lyric goes: "I'm as jumpy as a puppet on a string". And right on the word jumpy, the music jumps with a 16th note 6 notes above.
It is very fun and enchanting to work with!
And just like I say in the song: "It might as well be spring.." - From that day on.. it was kind of like spring had come to Manhattan. Soo beautiful and refreshing it was to walk outside. There is still snow on the streets, but from that day on I felt that the air had changed.. it wasn't anymore like the knifes that cut through your body with cold, but a more cool and fresh air.
.. my private voice teacher laughed when I said it was like spring! The winter will be back in no time she said! .. I know it hasn't transformed completely yet, spring only comes on my birthday the 22nd of March anyway, I said. :)
Maybe I am just being a young optimistic dreamer. Perhaps. But bless that, while it's here. ;)
*
This is funny - it is 10 pm, I am sitting in the subway, and this is the first time I have seen NY on a Friday night. Isn't that something. I have been here 5 months, and this is the first time I have been out with my friends in the city. I am going to Alec's 23rd year birthday.This is also the first party I am going to. And the first time I am hanging with my friends from school.. after school.
They were surprised to see me there too. ;)
It was good to dance and let loose for a couple of hours.
Then, of course, I left early to rest my voice well for my private lesson tomorrow morning.
Even though this was my first time out in the weekend, in 6 months, which seems deserved.. I just can't completely forget everything for one night and party till the morning comes or till I fall asleep on the floor, with no care of how it affects the following day.
I don't know if I'll ever learn to be able to do that. Some times it's very controlling - but mostly I see it as a really great value that I have.
My time is precious.
The couple of times I've done it back home, I always remember feeling so annoyed with wasting half of the next day.. because I was either painfully tired or fast asleep till noon.
The other gazillion times I actually had to do it was for my waitress job; serving for weddings that lasted till 5 or 6 am. This was one long work shift from 2 pm the day before, till whenever the party ended. Never sitting down. I mean never. There was always somewhere to stand and smile or something to do at.
And then I was always asked to sing 'I wanna be loved by you' for the bride (Marilyn Monroe's version, which I changed to 'He wants to be loved by you') around 11 pm.
And then I had to dance on top of the tables to get the party going around 1 am.
- And a few hours later I had school from 8-4 most days.
The parties were fun, but I can still remember the feeling of my feet loosing the will to walk, toe by toe. By the end it was like treading on sharps knifes. I loved the love in the air and the festive feeling, but I also remember almost breaking down whenever I saw the sun come up slowly from behind the buildings and hearing the birds chipping their morning song, thinking - "well that was that night's sleep!". My goal was always to try and make it back before the night turned to day, so that I had a chance to fall asleep for some time back home.
Longer story..!
Anyways, so I am a fan of sleep, whenever I can get it, that's what I think my point is. I know that my time is precious, and if I waste it away there will have been things to take care of or people to call or books to read, that I didn't get the chance to do.
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I have had a strange experience of feeling judged or just singled out whenever I did something that was outside the norm. I am sure people can relate to this. Obviously. It's the story of life. But seriously, I HATE feeling so judged.
I am sitting under the ground waiting for the subway. It is very strange being here alone on a Friday night. First avenue subway station .. never been here before - well something new for every day, right? ;)
Typical Friday night - people drunk, so very loud and cheerful, some are half asleep on the benches (including me.. lol.. it's 1 am, so I don't blame myself after a school day from 9-7.), two people next to me just starting flirting each other up, and I don't doubt they will hook up before the sun rises tomorrow!
*Lately, by everything I do.
By what I choose to do in life.
By what my beliefs are.
Speaking of which - By what time I choose to go home from a party.
By what amount of intensity I choose to get with guys.
By how much - or nothing at all - I choose to drink at the party.
By how I choose to prioritize my sleep over going out most times.
... By how dedicated I choose to be to my work.
And by how little I accept exceptions in stead of my work.
By choosing not to eat junk or sugar or fat, because I want to be healthy and beautiful.
Judged.
I have felt that from some of my class mates, whenever I told them about my schedule or the way I rehearse. There have been some quite hurtful incidents, where it felt like I was singled out because of the way I worked. Which was silly.
Because I am dedicated and persistent?
Because I am responsible and want to take care of myself and my body?
I have become more dedicated during this 2nd semester, and I usually spend the breaks stretching out, practising pirouettes or such. I make sure to go through ballet exercises at the bar every day.
So, what's funny is that one day, when I had a 2 hour break, I chose to take the subway back home and dance in the big CMT hall (because you can never be sure to find a free room at NYFA, and especially not getting the peace to do it, because there is no such thing as soundproof rooms or closed doors at my school - you can see and hear everything).
When I came back people asked me where I'd been, and I said I went home to dance ballet in my practise room. "Omgosh, you're insane."
- I get where they were coming from, because they were tired from the long day, and had just been chilling on the sofa. But truth is, I was tired too - I just need to get better at ballet. I don't get better by doing nothing in my break. And the way they'd said it kind of annoyed me.
And the day after that I hadn't had the time to stretch for a good period like I like to in the morning, before school.. so I was stretching in the classroom, before the class started. I was in a difficult stretch that's really tiring, but good for your inner thighs - which are the muscles I really need to focus on getting stronger for the use of ballet.
"What are you doing? You're gonna do that later in ballet! Why would you tire yourself now?"
And I said, "Well I want to stretch before so I am fully prepared."
So they said "You're crazy".
Which to me was really hurtful, because it didn't make sense that they didn't see the sense in it. It's a freaking elite school in NYC. That says a lot, and we are lucky to be here.
Obviously, I don't wish to post this for my class mates to see my frustration, because I don't wish to argue.. but I want to write it for my own blog, so that I can look back on it, and remember how stubborn I became from it.
Because ever since they said that it's just made me want to work harder and grow bigger muscles than all of them.
Because quite frankly, I hate that they are making me feel bad about something ridiculous, - because what they are pointing me out for is truly the right thing to do for anyone who goes to the school. How can anyone ever just sit down and chill or get a bag of chips and a coke?
I repeat - time is precious.
And also - let this be a reminder to myself - for when I look back on my blog in some years from now - that this was around the time I learned to let go and express my anger and frustration. That is very huge. Because otherwise it gets bottled up and stresses or kills your insides. I am quite proud of this. It may seem strange... !
..
You know - sometimes I forget what it must be like to read my blog posts from another person's view.
But.. think of it this way: think of an actor as needing to express all feelings. It is our job to respond to everything truthfully and show all emotions; everything else is being untruthful.
Being able to express anger means that I have unlocked another of the rooms in my chamber of feelings. I already have vulnerability, sadness, happiness, fear.. who knows what more will come.
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From working so much with myself, I have to admit, that I sometimes forget that my day is dedicated to God.This week I felt how I missed being able to dedicate my whole day and everything I do to you, God. Accepting that I should see and feel your presence in everything I do, not shutting it out, because I choose to rule over my own life. And I must admit I feel slightly ashamed because of that. It shouldn't be like that, because I know it isn't right at all.
But the past few weeks I have felt very good about my growth, and in some ways stronger and more independent in many ways.
But not to think that I am stronger without God, sitting here in my room Sunday night, I choose to believe that God did miraculous things in my growth, while I wasn't paying attention to him.
And there is no shame, now knowing that I should just remember to thank him tonight, before going to sleep.
*
Saturday:Saturday night I went to Ellen's stardust diner with Jessica and Suzanne from the Markle. This is a restaurant with singing waiters (just like I was back home). The waiters are mostly professional singers who have a background like me, but just haven't gotten on Broadway yet. They work to pay for singing, dancing, and acting lessons after work, and in the morning they go to numerous auditions all over the city.
It is very exciting. What's amazing is that you're in a restaurant with waiters and waitresses who take their journey very seriously and they are outgoing and joyful people who just can't resist to dance in the corner while they're filling up the drinks and belt in the middle of the room on top of the tables!
Last night they told us that they let go of 12 waiters this past year to Broadway! Id' say that's a pretty big number for NYC, I think it's very cool.
Who knows if I end up here? ;)
Classic American milkshakes.
This place was like Grease and just very cool!
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Good news! My grandparents (mum's parents) are coming to NY to visit me, and share the celebration of my soldier enrollment.
I love this edition of the 'Keep calm' series ;)
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Looking back on this week:After doing our personal monologues, and going through a steep mountain with ups and downs this past week, I think that my soul has a lot to say!
I have felt very emotionally affected by everything that happens around me, and my temper has been on a tight string. Not that I'm not usually emotional, but looking back it seems that this week has been an extreme.
I haven't given much deep thought to Farmor in a while. The days are gone where I cry every day about some memory or smell that makes me sad, anything that ticks off the idea of her being gone.
Well, last night I had a dream about her.
I dreamed that she was suddenly here with me on earth. Well - not suddenly, because I never noticed when she came back.. but quite randomly she was just here. And quite randomly she was among the Wittenbergs, and maybe part of the family from back home.. I don't remember.. what's weird is that it was like there was nothing unusual about her being here. And it's like she hadn't noticed she was gone and how much pain there'd been left with it from that happening. She was just going about doing her usual chores as if it was a perfectly normal day.
Well - I'll tell you something; no days are perfectly normal - that's what I've learnt so far.
Maybe I'll go with 'normal days', but not even so.. definitely not 'perfectly normal' though!
Anyways, in the dream when I noticed she was there, I obviously got so happy/thrilled/overjoyed (you know what I don't think there's a word for this level of happiness..) that she was with me. It was almost as if my soul collapsed just being able to see her, and touch her and talk to her.
I wanted nothing else than to hold her hand the whole day, or hug her or tell her how much I loved her.. but it was like that behavior was awkward and an 'over-behavior'.
Because she has no clue that she had been gone - it's like she just had woken up from one night's sleep. So holding her hand the whole time was a bit awkward in the situation, because she didn't know the reality. No one around me did.
And most weird - and painful at the same time - she had no idea what had happened in between. It became clear to me that she hadn't been with me or seen me during the 5 months, - the time she has been gone.
She hadn't been on my journey with me.
She hadn't seen me dance for her in the church or every day in ballet class. She hadn't seen me dedicate and perform honest and beautiful songs to her. She hadn't seen me dedicate a bench for her in NYC and the extraordinary view from that.
She hadn't seen me exchanging letters with my granddad and learning Portuguese for him. She hadn't seen my tears for her and the pictures of her I stuck on the wall by my bed to give me my favorite view every time I woke up. She hadn't heard all my prayers.
She hadn't seen how brave I'd been. How much I'd grown. How far I'd come. How persistent I'd been.
She hadn't realized how much I loved her, because she hadn't been with me through all of this. And she hadn't heard me whisper it to her every day.
This kind of broke my heart.
- And actually reading the draft again before sending the post out, this bit left me with tears.
But it was only a dream... right?
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Speaking of journey; in my last blog post I posted a picture of me in the airport almost 6 months ago. I received this picture below from my school, which was taken the first week of the first semester.
This is what I looked like in NY.
I think it's pretty cool to think about this journey.
- Doesn't it look like I am so happy and ready?
I don't think I look the same now. Not as happy and ready, but 10 times more brave, persistent and with a slow but determined growth of an iron spine.
I can't even ask you what you think, because you can't see me here. But you might have an idea, right?
That's also why it will be so interesting to have my grandparents over. I hope they will see it, and acknowledge how that growth stands out.
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Sunday:Today in church we talked about the 4th doctrine of the Salvation Army. We spoke about how Jesus was truly and properly man and truly and properly God. He became man and went through troubles and temptations just like us, so that we know he understands us. God is someone who understand his people, because he let himself go through what we humans go through, in the most brutal way. It is very beautiful, truly.
One thing that separates this bond though, the way I see it, is that Jesus never sinned. So in a way he hasn't been through what we've been through. I know that's very critical. But it is also true, isn't it?
I will be praying that I trust Jesus understand every part of me though.
..And I think you should all pray with me. For everyone. When we feel like God is so far away from what is going on on earth, remember that he once walked the same ground and he knows what it feels, smells and looks like.
Blessings,
Jasmin
X
;-) good read.
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