Tears of art with all my soul and heart.

Saturday:

My favorite song that I listen to these days non-stop is 'Come down to me' by Saving Jane, the song that I danced to in ballet class for our audition.
It tells me about a moment I found a story and joy in dance in an indescribable way.

*

Today I woke up around 8.. late! I think my internal clock woke up at 5 again.. but I told myself I had to sleep instead, because I woke up with a really sore throat - meaning I wanted to see if it could get better before my private lesson. If not I'd have to cancel.
Which I unfortunately had to do.. but instead I worked out for an hour. Just 3 min plank this morning. But tomorrow morning I might do the routine twice again without stop and reach the 7 min.

I went to school anyway, because my old class mate had a contemporary dance class for anyone interested. I was one out of 2 who showed up.. but we had a blast, and got to go through tap and ballet combinations too. It was very awesome to find another and a new reason to move.

I can't wait for my next ballet class. Like literally.. can't wait. So maybe tomorrow, Monday.. no uuh it's Sunday tomorrow.. maybe in two days - on Monday, I'll see if my ballet teacher has another class during my 2 hour break (right before ballroom).

She put on music and told us to create a story with it, without planning our movements beforehand. And we moved through peanut butter and bubbles.. (not literally).

Straight after this class, I went to Times square to see if I could get a ticket for a show. I was LUCKY extremely lucky to get a ticket for 'A gentleman's guide to love and murder'. This show was hilarious and really well set. The songs weren't catching, but the storytelling and acting was awesome.
At the moment though, I feel that I need to see something that is closer to home - meaning something I can relate to, and roles that I could see myself playing. I need that affirmation and extra push. Something to make me go - ohmygosh THIS is the reason why I need to be on Broadway, or I could do it better than her no doubt.. so just you wait ;)

After that I went to Capezio and got a new pair of ballet shoes. Yes, they retire fast! I got my other pair about 3 weeks ago, and there's already a whole in the toe. I was gonna live with it for a while, but in my last ballet class, I felt my left big toe burning as I swept it against the floor by the bar. And this was also a treat for myself, because I have made myself so proud in dance this past week. If I had a bigger purse, I would have gotten a new tutu too .. but I had to talk over that desire today, and accept the fact that it wouldn't refrain me from becoming a better dancer, if I still wore my 'old' clothes!

Then I got student rush tickets for the ballet. Finally, I was going to Lincoln Center to see a ballet. And this was the perfect timing. I felt like Nina, from Black Swan the movie, walking through the streets of NY and walking through Lincoln center.

For the first time, since I felt my grandma had said her goodbye physically in my body, I felt like tonight at the ballet was an opportunity for me to bring her with me just for a night. With me, only, for a complete night.

Now coming back home, I am really trying to take care of myself and my throat, because I have been sneezing all day. I thought I would be more awake and eager to practise pirouettes when I got back from the ballet.. but then again.. it's 12 pm, so I am thinking it's alright I give in to my sleep. I did do some exercises though - for strengthening my center and for balance.

I have also uploaded some pictures from the snow, the way it looked like around my school a week ago. It's still there, but not as pure. The pictures will be coming as soon as I can get it to work on this computer... I have delayed this post to be able to upload them, but they still won't come.. so my apologies, but I will get them to you as soon as I can :)

I am falling asleep. Day is over.

Amen.

Sunday:

I woke up at 6 am and saw 'Les Sylphides' an old ballet dvd I got from the library this week. I wrote a long list of ballet terms that I need to know. I figured it was about time I don't have to think through my entire head for a couple of seconds about what exactly a tendu and degage is! I need to know them all off by heart, it will make me much faster at the ballet bar in class.

When getting dressed for my workout and stretch, I put on some ballet music. And listening to the sweet sounds and creating clear and beautiful images in my head of a dancer moving along to this, I suddenly started to cry from being so overwhelmed. My soul was crying for being that dancer.

- You know when you wake up in the middle of the night and just for a second you realize that you are awake in the middle of the night, before quickly focusing on going back to sleep. Well, I obviously wasn't going to get up at 2 or 3 am to dance.. but these past few nights when this has happened, I have noticed then when I woke up I was dancing in bed.. like doing a plie' lying down or practising my releve or stretching my legs.
Or maybe I wokpe up from a dream where I was dancing.
It really made me smile, because it was like my body couldn't stop dancing even when it needed rest.

Reminds me of the ballet 'The Red shoes' from the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale. (Btw Susan - that's next on our list ;).

Just listen to how deep and indescribably beautiful this is. - Just one of my playlists for ballet

I cried because my heart was telling me how much I wanted to become a beautiful dancer. I don't know what my dream is with is.
But lately, I've wanted it so much that it almost hurts. So I just practise turns as much as I can, push-ups and sit ups to strengthen my center, do the plank for as long as I can, stretched feet and massaged them whenever possible, seen ballets, been to the pool to get stronger by swimming 50 laps.. but also to feel how ballet arms float through water to help me make the motions right, watch ballets on dvd's, seen live ballet, written the terms out, gotten new ballet shoes, tested my balance and made a personal record each time, and gone through exercises at the bar.

And I also cried because it was finally like I had found a home in my grandma's dream. A home I deserved to be in and shined in. She loved what I did, but just the thought of being able to shine in ballet - like she did - was a really special thought for me.

I have deprived sleep, forgotten food, forgotten every other chore I had at home, forgotten that I had friends to talk to. In my breaks I have danced, after school I have headed straight to the gym or the big concert hall to practise.

I also keep remembering that my ballet teacher said I was turning into one of the best dancers he's ever seen at the school all the years he's been there. Which is like 5 years. about 100 students a year. Oh my gosh. That just made me cry, I hadn't really thought about the statistics.

I just can't wait to go back to ballet class, that's all.
With all my heart and soul.

*

After working on this in bed for about an hour, I went upstairs in the workout room and did my full 1-hour program. I did the plank again for about 7,5 minutes. Pretty cool. I did some balancing exercises and ran a bit on the treadmill.

All this exercise always makes me really hungry for breakfast. I see why it is the most important meal of the day! The rest of the day kinda just flows, and I must admit there are so many things going on that my appetite is not always with me there.

After that .. I went into the city to try to get tickets for Twelfth night, the Shakespeare play. One on Broadway now, which everyone says is ridiculously genius!.. but they didn't have any tickets left for any of the performances :(
*
After that I practised ballet, mostly pirouettes for 2 hours.
So good.
*
I am back at my grandma's bench, after almost a month.
There was a time I needed to end every day by sitting here, but I don't anymore.

I am here with a flower from her garden in Alcabideche that my granddad sent in a letter. It was one from a bouquet he went to put by her tomb, by her Portuguese grave.
This is her spot in New York. .. but it sure looks like the North Pole!! Ice is floating in big chunks in the river, so big that a polar bear could sit on it. It is snowing and on the streets snow is still everywhere. Slippery, but cleansing.

I sure can't wait for spring, though. When it finally comes.. so I hope we won't get cheated of it this year.

Here is peace and quiet.
It's in fact very pretty.
It's funny with coincidences... my grandma's favorite song just started playing on my ipod's playlist. 'Can't help loving that man' by Rodgers and Hammerstein. This is a song she always wanted me to sing. Maybe I will work on it in the near future.

It's not painful in any way to sit here anymore. I wonder how I got to this point. I know that time and lots of prayers happened. But still. Actually thinking about finally accepting the loss of your grandma and best friend is maybe the most surrealistic part of it.. if so, that's when I get sad.  Because having to accept that doesn't actually make any sense to me still.
But in many ways I have.

And I have started to shine, like never before in my classes.
My teachers say I am looking more and more beautiful each week.

I am sure I could spill out more thoughts from the heart. .. but truly .. I have been on this for about an hour, and now I want to stop so I can do some more ballet exercises. I am getting real good.

One more thing.. it's funny this afternoon when I messed up a double turn on the right (which is my best side at the moment), I cried in frustration, because I just wanted to get better with all my heart. I relaxed and told myself in the mirror that 'me being not good enough was a story I told myself'. So stop.. I said.
And then I did the most perfect double pirouette on the left side I've had yet.
And of course, I cried of joy..!

So many tears in a beautiful way these times.

If that's art, let them float like rivers every day and forever more.