Today I will become a better actress and dancer

Today when I took off for school, I said to myself - today I will become a better dancer and actor. I had 3 dance classes and a Meisner class. I promised myself that no matter what, I would bring forward my best and work to become better and impress myself and my teachers in every class.

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I took an extra class in my old D4 class today in ballet. Meaning after ballet, jazz and tap I took another ballet class.
My teacher singled me out to do the pirouette-combination in front of everyone. He wanted to show me off, and then he told everyone how prod he was of my work. How much harder I work than all of them.. and I got moved down a set from their class. He said, it doesn't matter what level you are in, it's about the work you do and how much you grow - that's real talent, he said.

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In Meisner class I did an amazing scene, and I will probably say that in this scene I did with my class mate, was the Meisner work I have been most unfearful about. I have never seen myself being able to express my feelings on such a wide range, and man it felt good!

Knowing I am more than a 4th into the programme, is kind of freaking me out. I want to be so good and ready to be in the industry. That is our dance teachers goal too, he always speaks about how he wants to bring us ahead of other people in this career. I am so anxious I will grow in time. This is it.
But I choose to trust how proud he is of my work, saying I am one of the best dancers he's seen at the school. I must learn to trust all my professional teachers, and not the instincts that I have now.

Our jazz teacher also talked about how we should be one step ahead in our process as dancers now. We should be smart dancers - knowing what things we need to work on and what the technique is.. not just getting the steps right, and trying to look pretty.

Our assignment for ballet is to find what character from 'A Chorus line' we would audition for, and then bring in a song we would sing for that. We need to be clear about everything about the play and staged version and know the full score.
I am very excited about this. Our goal is to find someone we truly fit into and trust that we could get that part. I know that most of us don't think we're good enough to be in something like A chorus line.... but our teacher says we should trust that we could do anything.. that's how you keep working in this business.. not by getting out there and having a single strength and dream about playing Elphaba.

*

I cry a lot these days - of overwhelmingness. Because I see a ballet or listen to the soundtrack of Cats, and it makes me overwhelmed because I want it so much.
Dancing has become a rush for me, that I need to have every single day. Kind of like the drug that keeps me happy and alive.
It's like being in love.

Being in love with your art.

*

What I loved most about walking home today is that I could tell myself, today I truly became a better actress and dancer!

I feel fat, yes I said it

The more I realize how many muscles ballet takes, the fatter I feel. When I sometimes can't carry myself through a double-turn, because my leg is weak, I feel freaking fat.. and that's when I determinedly go home and workout.. for about the 5th time that day.

You know during this period of finding my inner dancer, I also realized that this is it. With everything at this school obviously... - whatever we learn from the school is IT. That's what we will have for the rest of our career.
(Now obviously extra classes can be taken.. but generally this is the education).

It scared me a little, or shall I say, just gave me a heads up. WORK HARD, JASMIN!
Because.. I want to play Christine on Broadway with all my heart and soul, and she is a ballet dancer. Even if I sing and play the part beautifully, I will never get the role if I can't live up to the ballet choreography in the musical.

And I want to play Lorry in Oklahoma, who has a dream ballet, which is a romantic pas des deux between her and her lover.

I've just gotta get it right, I have to be real good.
Of course I wasn't totally ignorant to this fact.. it's quite evident, and something the teachers remind us every single week.
However, now I just really realized it, you know.
Almost frantically, I have been nervous to go to bed and end the day, always thinking I could practise more. To face another day at school not having grown as much as you could. Well.. I guess if not, that is part of a human life ;) ..but I think that is why I have also been going to bed at 12 or 1 am and waking up at 5 or 6 am, just going straight to stretching and dancing. That and the eagerness.

I got myself a new pair of ballet shoes, which I will make myself proud in, in this week's first ballet class tomorrow.
This morning I was at school around 8 and did some ballet exercises at the bar, before the class at 9 am. My ballet teacher had a class with the musical theatre students who started this semester. I so wanted to join, but I had improv class this morning.
I had time to get a bit of coaching from my teacher when he walked in before class though :)

I love the thought of getting better each and every day. I have come such a long way this week. My foite turns are getting really good. Just from starting to learn them over 3 days.
funny, today I got annoyed with myself for not being good enough. I want results, so typical.. but I forgot that I'd started on them 3 days ago, and I am in fact getting good really fast now!

I am watching Giselle on dvd again. It is a beautiful story. This is on the Royal Dutch stage in Amsterdam.. the place I saw 'Swan lake' for the first time.

It all looks so easy.. and of course it isn't.. but actually from practising last night, I also made the discovery, that if you approach it easy and tell yourself it's easy, then it actually makes it a lot easier.
And I think, that once I have gotten over that point and learnt how to go straight into the perfect pirouette position almost to the tip of the toes, .. when that comes naturally, and it isn't something I have to think a lot about, I think the multiple turns will come fast.

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Today we danced the waltz in our ballroom class. It was like in Cinderella!
Very enchanting. I can't wait for class tomorrow, and see how much better I've gotten since last week.
My teacher says I'm looking really good, but I know I need to work out more and get stronger to be really good.

Apparently, everyone at school has been talking about me. Chad has told all the other levels about me (even D4, above me) that "they really needed to up their game, because Jasmin was growing so fast!"

I think it's ironic how a teacher I was scared of, and nervous to be in the classroom with is now my favorite teacher, who I worship more than any of the other geniuses at our school.

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I am always thinking about how much and when I shall take in food. I try not to eat too much, and only take what is absolutely best and needed for me to grow. A salad and some rye bread would be good and then a green juice or two a day - for school.. and for breakfast - corn flakes, banana, juice and toast with honey and eggs.

But then at some point in the day I will realize how much energy I am spending, and I get really hungry. So only that isn't enough.. but I try to get by as healthy as I can.

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On Friday I am going to the Wittenbergs for the first time in a long time. This is for my first soldier lesson.
I also can't wait t practise for hour and hours and hours the whole weekend in my private dance room. The beautiful dance room they have at the corps.
Then either of the nights, I will watch Phantom of the Opera with Susan. I can't wait to fall in love with it all over again and be enchanted and inspired by the character I want to play the most.

Tears of art with all my soul and heart.

Saturday:

My favorite song that I listen to these days non-stop is 'Come down to me' by Saving Jane, the song that I danced to in ballet class for our audition.
It tells me about a moment I found a story and joy in dance in an indescribable way.

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Today I woke up around 8.. late! I think my internal clock woke up at 5 again.. but I told myself I had to sleep instead, because I woke up with a really sore throat - meaning I wanted to see if it could get better before my private lesson. If not I'd have to cancel.
Which I unfortunately had to do.. but instead I worked out for an hour. Just 3 min plank this morning. But tomorrow morning I might do the routine twice again without stop and reach the 7 min.

I went to school anyway, because my old class mate had a contemporary dance class for anyone interested. I was one out of 2 who showed up.. but we had a blast, and got to go through tap and ballet combinations too. It was very awesome to find another and a new reason to move.

I can't wait for my next ballet class. Like literally.. can't wait. So maybe tomorrow, Monday.. no uuh it's Sunday tomorrow.. maybe in two days - on Monday, I'll see if my ballet teacher has another class during my 2 hour break (right before ballroom).

She put on music and told us to create a story with it, without planning our movements beforehand. And we moved through peanut butter and bubbles.. (not literally).

Straight after this class, I went to Times square to see if I could get a ticket for a show. I was LUCKY extremely lucky to get a ticket for 'A gentleman's guide to love and murder'. This show was hilarious and really well set. The songs weren't catching, but the storytelling and acting was awesome.
At the moment though, I feel that I need to see something that is closer to home - meaning something I can relate to, and roles that I could see myself playing. I need that affirmation and extra push. Something to make me go - ohmygosh THIS is the reason why I need to be on Broadway, or I could do it better than her no doubt.. so just you wait ;)

After that I went to Capezio and got a new pair of ballet shoes. Yes, they retire fast! I got my other pair about 3 weeks ago, and there's already a whole in the toe. I was gonna live with it for a while, but in my last ballet class, I felt my left big toe burning as I swept it against the floor by the bar. And this was also a treat for myself, because I have made myself so proud in dance this past week. If I had a bigger purse, I would have gotten a new tutu too .. but I had to talk over that desire today, and accept the fact that it wouldn't refrain me from becoming a better dancer, if I still wore my 'old' clothes!

Then I got student rush tickets for the ballet. Finally, I was going to Lincoln Center to see a ballet. And this was the perfect timing. I felt like Nina, from Black Swan the movie, walking through the streets of NY and walking through Lincoln center.

For the first time, since I felt my grandma had said her goodbye physically in my body, I felt like tonight at the ballet was an opportunity for me to bring her with me just for a night. With me, only, for a complete night.

Now coming back home, I am really trying to take care of myself and my throat, because I have been sneezing all day. I thought I would be more awake and eager to practise pirouettes when I got back from the ballet.. but then again.. it's 12 pm, so I am thinking it's alright I give in to my sleep. I did do some exercises though - for strengthening my center and for balance.

I have also uploaded some pictures from the snow, the way it looked like around my school a week ago. It's still there, but not as pure. The pictures will be coming as soon as I can get it to work on this computer... I have delayed this post to be able to upload them, but they still won't come.. so my apologies, but I will get them to you as soon as I can :)

I am falling asleep. Day is over.

Amen.

Sunday:

I woke up at 6 am and saw 'Les Sylphides' an old ballet dvd I got from the library this week. I wrote a long list of ballet terms that I need to know. I figured it was about time I don't have to think through my entire head for a couple of seconds about what exactly a tendu and degage is! I need to know them all off by heart, it will make me much faster at the ballet bar in class.

When getting dressed for my workout and stretch, I put on some ballet music. And listening to the sweet sounds and creating clear and beautiful images in my head of a dancer moving along to this, I suddenly started to cry from being so overwhelmed. My soul was crying for being that dancer.

- You know when you wake up in the middle of the night and just for a second you realize that you are awake in the middle of the night, before quickly focusing on going back to sleep. Well, I obviously wasn't going to get up at 2 or 3 am to dance.. but these past few nights when this has happened, I have noticed then when I woke up I was dancing in bed.. like doing a plie' lying down or practising my releve or stretching my legs.
Or maybe I wokpe up from a dream where I was dancing.
It really made me smile, because it was like my body couldn't stop dancing even when it needed rest.

Reminds me of the ballet 'The Red shoes' from the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale. (Btw Susan - that's next on our list ;).

Just listen to how deep and indescribably beautiful this is. - Just one of my playlists for ballet

I cried because my heart was telling me how much I wanted to become a beautiful dancer. I don't know what my dream is with is.
But lately, I've wanted it so much that it almost hurts. So I just practise turns as much as I can, push-ups and sit ups to strengthen my center, do the plank for as long as I can, stretched feet and massaged them whenever possible, seen ballets, been to the pool to get stronger by swimming 50 laps.. but also to feel how ballet arms float through water to help me make the motions right, watch ballets on dvd's, seen live ballet, written the terms out, gotten new ballet shoes, tested my balance and made a personal record each time, and gone through exercises at the bar.

And I also cried because it was finally like I had found a home in my grandma's dream. A home I deserved to be in and shined in. She loved what I did, but just the thought of being able to shine in ballet - like she did - was a really special thought for me.

I have deprived sleep, forgotten food, forgotten every other chore I had at home, forgotten that I had friends to talk to. In my breaks I have danced, after school I have headed straight to the gym or the big concert hall to practise.

I also keep remembering that my ballet teacher said I was turning into one of the best dancers he's ever seen at the school all the years he's been there. Which is like 5 years. about 100 students a year. Oh my gosh. That just made me cry, I hadn't really thought about the statistics.

I just can't wait to go back to ballet class, that's all.
With all my heart and soul.

*

After working on this in bed for about an hour, I went upstairs in the workout room and did my full 1-hour program. I did the plank again for about 7,5 minutes. Pretty cool. I did some balancing exercises and ran a bit on the treadmill.

All this exercise always makes me really hungry for breakfast. I see why it is the most important meal of the day! The rest of the day kinda just flows, and I must admit there are so many things going on that my appetite is not always with me there.

After that .. I went into the city to try to get tickets for Twelfth night, the Shakespeare play. One on Broadway now, which everyone says is ridiculously genius!.. but they didn't have any tickets left for any of the performances :(
*
After that I practised ballet, mostly pirouettes for 2 hours.
So good.
*
I am back at my grandma's bench, after almost a month.
There was a time I needed to end every day by sitting here, but I don't anymore.

I am here with a flower from her garden in Alcabideche that my granddad sent in a letter. It was one from a bouquet he went to put by her tomb, by her Portuguese grave.
This is her spot in New York. .. but it sure looks like the North Pole!! Ice is floating in big chunks in the river, so big that a polar bear could sit on it. It is snowing and on the streets snow is still everywhere. Slippery, but cleansing.

I sure can't wait for spring, though. When it finally comes.. so I hope we won't get cheated of it this year.

Here is peace and quiet.
It's in fact very pretty.
It's funny with coincidences... my grandma's favorite song just started playing on my ipod's playlist. 'Can't help loving that man' by Rodgers and Hammerstein. This is a song she always wanted me to sing. Maybe I will work on it in the near future.

It's not painful in any way to sit here anymore. I wonder how I got to this point. I know that time and lots of prayers happened. But still. Actually thinking about finally accepting the loss of your grandma and best friend is maybe the most surrealistic part of it.. if so, that's when I get sad.  Because having to accept that doesn't actually make any sense to me still.
But in many ways I have.

And I have started to shine, like never before in my classes.
My teachers say I am looking more and more beautiful each week.

I am sure I could spill out more thoughts from the heart. .. but truly .. I have been on this for about an hour, and now I want to stop so I can do some more ballet exercises. I am getting real good.

One more thing.. it's funny this afternoon when I messed up a double turn on the right (which is my best side at the moment), I cried in frustration, because I just wanted to get better with all my heart. I relaxed and told myself in the mirror that 'me being not good enough was a story I told myself'. So stop.. I said.
And then I did the most perfect double pirouette on the left side I've had yet.
And of course, I cried of joy..!

So many tears in a beautiful way these times.

If that's art, let them float like rivers every day and forever more.

A day without ballet class

Up and active for 20 hours. I think it is only fair, I am well tired now! I woke up at 5 again this morning, and of course.. couldn't get myself to go back to sleep again, knowing I could become a better dancer, if I got up to do my exercises.

I am watching Giselle, the ballet on dvd. I only interrupted it with this for a second, because I really wanted to share this day with you all, and I know I will be drifting off soon - without me noticing.

*

I went to school to practise ballet all for myself a whole hour. I had one of the best mornings in my life. One bar in the middle of the room. huge mirrors, no one else. But my joy and love for the dance filled up the room and so much more. I am getting better and better each day, and it is such a joy!

I really missed not having a single dance class today though.. there weren't even any extra classes to take.. and if there was I wouldn't have been able to prioritize it, because I had classes from 9-7.

Today was a strange feeling though, as if I didn't feel complete without dance classes.
It's just like when I was in high school from 8-4 every day, just wait sitting by the edge of my chair, waiting to get out of there and sing.
Now, it's like all the classes that weren't dance today seemed much longer.
I missed flying.
But I will work on getting that feeling back into my singing too. Man - then I'll just be in heaven every second of my school day and life.
The way I've been working this past week really did strike me.

-Waking up at 5, always urging to do more, dancing the streets of Manhattan with my ear phones on. And seriously.. I just did the plank for 7 minutes with no break. Whatt?! Jumping from 4 minutes to that, is pretty awesome. My family knows how hard it is, because I've been forcing them to join me in it as often as I could back home.. screaming "squeeze your tummy and bum!! Don't fall down!".

I just did the full 1 hour stretch and work-out after coming back from swimming. :)

I've been so eager this past week that it seems I have forgotten food and sleep. I am not encouraging myself not to eat ;).. but I must admit I have only remembered to eat, when I reminded myself I should - I just haven't felt hungry, because there were so many other and much bigger feelings going on. And as for sleeping at 11/12 at night, after watching all of my ballet dvd's to then wake up at 5 .. I am not saying it's a habit I will be doing for the full semester.

I thought about this in the train on my way to swimming 50 laps straight after school.. there are specific things that keep humans alive. Sleep, food and joy. Maybe love, but I think having a slice of joy in your life would add up to not feeling loved.
And obviously I need to remember to listen to my body when it needs rest, but I finally understand how much further you can go when you have joy in what you do.

The first semester was hard - really hard! And I thought about .. and dreaded those thoughts about quitting or taking a break at times too. I was miserable and tired, quite frankly because I kept fighting with myself.
But all is part of the process, and I am proud of every step.

God, the small steps are beautiful when you look down at your feet and not just forward towards the goal.
It also made me think; the more I embrace each step, the more I think I can grow.. because I am aware of what I am capable of now. And if I only look at my steps now, then my goal can be anything.. even much bigger than it originally was.

*

Becoming a prima ballerina

Today I woke up 4:45. Strange. It's happened before.. but then I'd either make a loud cry or sigh for waking up that early, or I'd bless that I had a couple of more hours to sleep.
Today I didn't even look at the time. I just got up and started dancing. Only later did I notice how early I'd gotten up that morning.

I stretched, did ballet exercises, sprinted on the treadmill and went through my choreography for the audition. It was all about that audition today.
I got up thinking, I need to do my best - I hope I get that job.. and there wasn't even a job to get ;) .. it was just a regular ballet class, but I was stretching and focusing and looking forward to it, like it was.

And that's what's important. Always to do it 10 out of 10 and put yourself into it fully.
And I had a full breakfast, made time to look my best and pack a great lunch.

*

In class Chad said to everyone, that he was in a very good mood, because one of his old students just got a dance job and that Jasmin was becoming one of the best dancers he's ever seen at this school.
I cried happy tears silently from where I was standing at the ballet bar, in the back of the room.

Our audition did all together not go well. Apparently, for everyone, the choreography had not been picked up correctly.
I had the time of my life doing those steps, - but even so I was aware of it. To me, for the performance, it didn't matter - because I'd created a story to tell. But I knew that even though I had all this in my performance, it wasn't enough to get me the job. .. But that's what you learn from the first round.

My ballet teacher gave a long speech about how we should have higher expectations to ourselves and work hard! He pointed his finger at me and said: "This one!.. She got moved DOWN a class in dance, and NOT for a minute did she feel sorry for herself. She has been to all the classes I teach every week since. You want to know how hard I was on her the first semester? You want to know how many times she's cried in my class? You bet I've counted them.. but not ONCE did she feel sorry for herself, because she knew she just had to work harder. No one should think they've worked hard enough if they don't do half of the work she does!"
And even though I didn't get the job, he blinked at me and said: "That was wonderful, Jasmin".
From this moment, this ever so happy day was emphasized as much as it could probably get.

After class some people from my old D4 class came up to me and said how he'd been glorifying me and telling them how much I'd grown.

I am so happy.
I love dancing.
And I love finally becoming a dancer.

Now off to run, sing through my performance for tomorrow's class , do more ballet of course - because I can't resist, speed run the actor's vow, watch some of the ballet dvd's I got from the library and... who knows? ;)

The happiest moment of my life

Today in ballet class, I was very excited and happy to be there. It was an extra class, I'd decided to take, and I'd listened to the score of Phantom of the Opera on my way there. Dreaming about playing Christine, and smiling at the feeling of knowing I have the ability inside me to pursue it.

Today, for the first time, I did a perfect double-pirouette in class - to both sides. I mean it was like flying. I was just spinning effortlessly like a ballerina glued to a music box.
My teacher stopped the class and said to me: "That was beautiful, Jasmin!", and then he started tearing up. "Is that a smile I see?", he said .. knowing - obviously, how hard I am on  myself. ..
And yes, it was a smile, and I started to tear up to. "I am so proud of you", he said.
And this moment was one of the happiest moments I have ever had in my life.

So I will forever remember that joy.
And whatever I do, from now on; I choose to be happy.
*
When my teacher hugged me, saying how beautiful I'd been looking these past few weeks and how much I'd grown ever since the day I had that talk with him about my struggles in dance .. see even then.. it was almost as if I wouldn't let myself be fully happy in that moment - I was thinking about the minor flaws and how I could get better.

But I had every reason to be, and that part of me telling me I shouldn't be, must die now!

I promise myself and remember that I choose to be happy and express love in everything I do.
I am going to shine and soar like no-one can take it away from me - because truth is.. no-one can .. except myself!

I have a beautiful, outstanding soul and I have so much to say and give.
And if I don't choose to be that, because I am scared or I judge myself, then I might as well die.
Then there's no point at all, and I'll be fooling everyone, including myself. Then I don't want to live.

.. So I choose to be happy and I am lucky to have found the best career to show that in.
I have dealt with fear for a long time, but now I am sick of it, and I will not give it any more credit.

Just you wait, world.
The things that I can do
The love and devotion I have

I have a feeling I even have the ability to surprise myself

With this note, I, Jasmin, promise this.
X

That extra work gives the magic

*

Today in ballet we talked about how our mock audition had gone last class (the choreography that I told you about performing). Horrible is how it had went, we roughly concluded! No-one knew it completely, few were actually dancing, some were standing still, some looked like they didn't want to be there. And I've been in all of those roles in ballet at different times, I won't like - it has been a fight to let go, but I have found so incredibly much more joy and confidence to do it well.

However, what we talked about was the fact that the adrenaline that our body produces from knowing that it's a serious audition where someone watches us and either cuts or keeps us. It doesn't matter that what we do in class is a mock audition - we still get nervous and our teacher is an actor, so whenever he turns off his teacher face he is just as intimidating as any other choreographer or casting producer would be in this situation!

So, being nervous at the audition made very single one of us realize how little we in fact knew the choreography.. you don't realize until you stand there, and you loose track, because you think the person next to you is right, when they do another step that doesn't match the type or timing with yours.
Our teacher asked every one of us how long we'd spent on it. Some said 10 minutes, some said 20 minutes, some said 1 hours, some said 2 hours. And yet, standing in this situation we realized that this work wasn't effective enough.

So we have been given another chance, which is Thursday.
So I thought about how I could rehearse this choreography and engage myself more in it.
Just like I choreographed my 'Be born in me' dance from a subtext I wrote for each step myself, I found a reason and a story behind each step in the lyrics of the song.
What is ironic, and actually very amateur-like, is that even though we'd probably went through the dance with music about 20 times, I'd never actually really listened to the lyrics.

- But when I did, now alone in a classroom with peace and and open heart, I fell in love with it and broke down from feeling what the music and text together did to me.

You’re beautiful

Just the way you are

And I love it all

Every line, and every scar

And I wish that I could make you see

This is where you ought to be,

Come down to me.

It was like the prayer to myself from a voice deep in my soul.
But for me, whenever I am lost in the dance room, it is really because I am putting so much pressure on myself; to always dance my best for my grandma.. and maybe also in some ways try to feel her presence while I'm doing it. And when I got a step wrong it was a failure to my grandma. Extreme isn't it.
But truth is; there is no dept to feelings. They run for miles and miles and go over enormous mountains.
If something means a lot to you, and you are vulnerable towards that, an extreme doesn't mean anything.

So with all of that, this meant that I heard my grandma singing these lyrics to me, instead of myself saying them. This made sense to me, and touched me the most, because what cures the 'feeling lost in the dance room' is if I can hear my grandma saying how proud and happy she was with me the way I am, in everything I do in every way.

So they way I worked with this dance was to write out the lyrics in hand and map out a story, with a subtext - like I mentioned earlier.
This gave a reason and a need/want for each step. And something searched for/wanting to achieve throughout the whole story.

I worked with this 2 hours after my 3 dance classes this morning (I have a 2,5 hour break between dance classes and Meisner).
Tomorrow I will be able to work on it again, since I finish school at 12. After a quick lunch, I will work on it for a couple of hours, before taking an extra ballet class at 3pm.

By the way, I am telling you I am beginning to live up to my ballerina-like figure. I did 2 perfect double pirouettes in a row today. I mean.. it's not the first time I've done a double pirouette.. but sometimes with my leg not straight enough, the arms aren't strong or round enough or the foot in passe' isn't glued to the knee. But today it was extraordinarily perfect. Very beautiful. And my teacher told me that, "Good, Jasmina!". It made me very happy. I am looking forward to do the audition Thursday and give my best there.

He said something very important to us today.
That we should remember to find joy in what we do, even though there is so much hard work to it. Because at some point that time is over, and when we look back on it, we want to remember it as happy time, a time that we got the best out of.

- and my favorite bit about the point that he made was this: that quite frankly, no one will remember us. Truthfully, everyone is the center of their own world, and their own growth is most important.
So when that is said, we should remember that when we sing a song or dance, it is for us. Everything we do should be for us, not for a performance for someone else.
We need to find the joy in it and be the center of the love and devotion we are sharing. Sharing onstage is for us. People only want to see someone perform who does it for their own joy of it.

He said that because he loves us. I really am starting to grow fond of him!

*

I am watching the musical 'A little night music' - one of Sondheim's biggest classics. Here is one of the most popular musical theatre songs from, 'Send n the clowns'. It has been sung over and over again, and it is genius!
Ii is getting quite late, but the movie is almost over.
Today has been a long day. 6 hours of dance, 3 hours of emotional exploration in Meisner, homework for ballet, homework for performance lab, blogging and a 3 hour musical - while having some of the worst period pains ever! ...But that's a minor detail... I found the joy through all of it today.

Today I also took lots of beautiful pictures outside of the snow. I will make a post about them tomorrow or later.

Big kiss, X

Getting into 2nd semester! (Second round at elite school)

I have not been writing on my blog for a couple of days because I have been so exhausted and there's been a lot of work.
When I first started this post, it was short and boring .. but I ended up writing on it all week, and it has now been filled with so many thoughts and news and updates, that I think it is reasonable to sum up this post as the start of 2nd semester.
How it all started out.... (for the second round at the elite school, NYFA) .........

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So starting the semester, you may remember that I had a lot of positive energy and a great willpower to rehearse for classes and work on my technique, in dance especially.
It was the perfect beginning. And there are so many exciting classes that are new on my schedule. Things are getting intense.. and serious.

I was happy to be back, and for the first time I remember emerging the building thinking "aah! It's good to be home!".

Before long I was caught up by the annoying factor - stress. It never takes long, and I am starting to think it is just a part of the weekday, that you can't get rid of.
Some weeks I had breakdowns for no reason, just caused by the stress. I'd say it was way worse that the stress of the 1st semester.. but I believe as I am getting closer to the finish date of my programs - with all of my expectations and hopes in the back of my head - and also seeing how my account gets bigger and bigger below 0, for the loan that I have to pay back after I finish.. it is fair to say that my stress is caused by many big factors.

I have been really good to myself though, and for this semester I have started to make sure to spend some hours with friends in the weekend. Go to a movie, have a cup of tea, read fairy tales, take a walk in Central Park, walk Times square by night or things as such... and that has been very pleasing, since it was something I didn't make much space for in my calender last semester!

A major growth has been the 'aha-moment' of accepting my learning process and not focusing so much on the results. This is something I am still working on, and I still find it hard to accept sometimes . . because I am an extreme perfectionist.. but when that is said, I have really been able to embrace the small things around me - about my own growth and also the growth of my class mates.

I have set small goals for this semester that I wanted to work on.
Eating healthy, working out a lot to obtain the body I need for ballet, and going through ballet technique every day - so that I never fall out of the routine and need to start over, and then I want to focus on getting my belt placement better.

- I am excellent in classical and operatic musicals, and if become excellent in the contemporary belt-musicals, I will have SO many opportunities after I graduate. Then I can be a Christine, but also an Elphaba.
Then I can sing Disney songs the way Broadway wants to hear it ;)

Stopping to see how you grow is truly embracing.
I just realized that I have not yet posted a video of me singing or dancing yet, and I promise to do that soon.
- deep down, I honestly think I have refrained from doing it, because I never thought my performances were good enough, and I always thought you deserved to see something better.
But I think I - out of all of you who read it - is probably the hardest judge on myself.. and you know very well that I am here to learn. I am sure you'd be able to see how I've already become much better.
My talent is developing beautifully.

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As I described my 2 weeks have been filled with ups and downs, starting out this semester.

For my first performance class, I was met with a bit of a downer.
- But now looking back at it, I wonder if most of the downer was how personally I took the critique and turned it into the worst possible respond to my performance. It actually seems a lot like me..!

So this is what I wrote last week:
"At my performance with 'Christmas lullaby' on Friday, I was told by my teacher that he still couldn't see my colors, and that he would have no idea what to cast me in.
- Which is hurtful, because to me that sounds like the learning process through 4 months has taken me nowhere. But that was very disappointing to hear, because I have put all of myself and possibly more into preparation.

So this left a lot of frustration, because as an artist you really just take what you hear from your audience and put that into thought. You should ALWAYS listen to your audience, because you might feel like you express one thing, but send out another.

- Of course not everyone can like you as a performer.. but that's another thing. In that case it's because the audience doesn't like the colors you show or the way you show them.
But having told that my colors aren't visible.. is like saying I don't have a soul.

So I have found tons and tons and tons of more roles and songs and composers and playwrights that I think express something I could fit into.. and that's what I'm going to the library to get now. Cd's Dvd's and tons and tons of sheet music."

- AND this last paragraph is the part I loved the most, because looking back on it I see how I turned this frustration into a strategic response.. searching for answers and new ideas to grow in, instead of just feeling judged and sad about the one thing that I stuck to.. thinking that something was wrong with me, and not the song choice.
That's actually 'the thing' about me in that class!

Our teacher often tells us, if I tell you you look horrible, chose a disgusting song or performed shit.. it is not meant to you as a person.
I find it hard to deal with harsh words like that, which is why I always take his words very personally.. but truthfully he is only telling us when we are going down a wrong path in choice of song etc.

He says that we will thank him later on in life. Which I actually don't doubt we will.

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Wednesday:
Today is my early day. I finished at 11:30 with my scene study class. Thom, our teacher is a genius, and I am very lucky to have him. I didn't have him in a performance class last semester, so I am happy to be working with him these coming months.

I am on the subway, and scared that someone might squash the computer any time! .. anyhow, I am getting off at the next stop.. so I will be coming back later this afternoon.. after the library and after my food and supplies shopping. 

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... I hoped that I could have made it to an extra ballet class this afternoon, but things always take longer than expected, so in the end I made the choice not to stress myself and focus on being able to do a few more 'homey' things, than hurrying back to school and back for dinner. I know that after dinner, even though you think - it's only 7 pm.. time just flies! So I can't expect to do all the things I want after dinner ;)

I got some awesome sheet music at the library just now, and I am looking forward to work with it in class and make a proper order in my song binders.
I also borrowed some dvd's - a few for pleasure .. the kinds that I would watch on a Friday evening, if I had time.. (well for the story of it and admiring the great actors). - So I decided to make time for this, since it is hugely important to watch other people's work too.. and not just musicals!

One of them is Rabbit hole, one with Nicole Kidman that I remembered really wanting to see when it came out in movie theatres a year ago in Denmark.
Then I borrowed the ballet of Cinderella! I am very excited to see that. I have just been hungering to see ballet for a long time - obviously live.. but this is a good start.. that is until I have the money to see something with NYC ballet at Lincoln Center.
Then I got two musicals (durh' - an ironic thing is.. I'm not just watching musicals because I'm a musical nerd, but to cross them out of the repertoire that I need to see for school.. it's actually not possible to watch all the musicals ever made . there are SO many), and I am looking forward to keep learning through them.

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....... 6 hours later is when I got time to look at this draft again.. but I feel like it is so short, so I don't want to post it just yet.... and I am almost tilting my head on the computer because I'm about to fall asleep. it is half past 10.. I should be sound asleep.
I will get back to you tomorrow night.

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Friday:
Wow... or 2 nights after that ;) It has been HECTIC. Almost to overflowing. I think I chilled too much (hahaha - which for me means getting the rest I needed and watching musicals on dvd!) .. so towards the end of the week I found my schedule as being frustrating, because I hadn't planned it out well, enough time before.

I would like to apologize in advance for not having many pictures in this post. I keep reminding myself to bring my camera whenever I leave the house.. I will be better at this in the future. But I also do know that all family who long to hear about what I'm up to, will read it anyway.. even if I was the worst writer in the world. ;)

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Today, one of my teachers told me that I glow with something very interesting as an artist - that it seems there are many different layers to me as a person - but I don't let it fully show through my songs.
So this will be the one major thing I want to work on.
However, this is a great compliment for me, because this means that I don't have to work hard or fight to convince that I'm better than I look, when I walk into the audition room... I already have that shining through my eyes naturally. That is a very special gift.

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Today in performance lab, we were asked to lie on the floor for 15 minutes. Our teacher took time concentrating on each limb of our body.
How every limb combined with us, with the floor, with the people in the room, with the whole world.
As we were lying there, our teacher reminded us that we are something very special. And we can choose to show that unique-ability or hide.
So we - as artists - choose to show it. And tell stories to the world with it.

When the exercise was over, we all rose slowly from the ground, but with straight and strong spines and stars shooting through our eyes.

For the class today, I sang 'It might as well be spring' from State Fair. This was actually one of the first Rodgers&Hammerstein musicals I saw - introduced to me by mormor and morfar. :)
This is such a beautiful song about a young girl, who is realizing the changes about her and around her, becoming a young adult. Spring is the new beginning and the blossoming of beauty and of course young romance. ;)

I think this was one of my best performances in this class, or definitely one of the best received ones!
When I first saw the musical movie, I thought the character was a bit boring and plain.. but now after digging into this song more, I am growing very fond of the character and I think it is a role I could play well.

I love how the music speaks in this song. The melody goes up and down up and down in tiny bows - just like the hopes of the young optimistic dreamer she is.
One lyric goes: "I'm as jumpy as a puppet on a string". And right on the word jumpy, the music jumps with a 16th note 6 notes above.
It is very fun and enchanting to work with!

And just like I say in the song: "It might as well be spring.." - From that day on.. it was kind of like spring had come to Manhattan. Soo beautiful and refreshing it was to walk outside. There is still snow on the streets, but from that day on I felt that the air had changed.. it wasn't anymore like the knifes that cut through your body with cold, but a more cool and fresh air.
.. my private voice teacher laughed when I said it was like spring! The winter will be back in no time she said! .. I know it hasn't transformed completely yet, spring only comes on my birthday the 22nd of March anyway, I said. :)

Maybe I am just being a young optimistic dreamer. Perhaps. But bless that, while it's here. ;)

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This is funny - it is 10 pm, I am sitting in the subway, and this is the first time I have seen NY on a Friday night. Isn't that something. I have been here 5 months, and this is the first time I have been out with my friends in the city. I am going to Alec's 23rd year birthday.
This is also the first party I am going to. And the first time I am hanging with my friends from school.. after school.

They were surprised to see me there too. ;)
It was good to dance and let loose for a couple of hours.
Then, of course, I left early to rest my voice well for my private lesson tomorrow morning.

Even though this was my first time out in the weekend, in 6 months, which seems deserved.. I just can't completely forget everything for one night and party till the morning comes or till I fall asleep on the floor, with no care of how it affects the following day.
I don't know if I'll ever learn to be able to do that. Some times it's very controlling - but mostly I see it as a really great value that I have.
My time is precious.

The couple of times I've done it back home, I always remember feeling so annoyed with wasting half of the next day.. because I was either painfully tired or fast asleep till noon.
The other gazillion times I actually had to do it was for my waitress job; serving for weddings that lasted till 5 or 6 am. This was one long work shift from 2 pm the day before, till whenever the party ended. Never sitting down. I mean never. There was always somewhere to stand and smile or something to do at.
And then I was always asked to sing 'I wanna be loved by you' for the bride (Marilyn Monroe's version, which I changed to 'He wants to be loved by you') around 11 pm.
And then I had to dance on top of the tables to get the party going around 1 am.
- And a few hours later I had school from 8-4 most days.

The parties were fun, but I can still remember the feeling of my feet loosing the will to walk, toe by toe. By the end it was like treading on sharps knifes. I loved the love in the air and the festive feeling, but I also remember almost breaking down whenever I saw the sun come up slowly from behind the buildings and hearing the birds chipping their morning song, thinking - "well that was that night's sleep!". My goal was always to try and make it back before the night turned to day, so that I had a chance to fall asleep for some time back home.

Longer story..!
Anyways, so I am a fan of sleep, whenever I can get it, that's what I think my point is. I know that my time is precious, and if I waste it away there will have been things to take care of or people to call or books to read, that I didn't get the chance to do.

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I am sitting under the ground waiting for the subway. It is very strange being here alone on a Friday night. First avenue subway station .. never been here before - well something new for every day, right? ;)

Typical Friday night - people drunk, so very loud and cheerful, some are half asleep on the benches (including me.. lol.. it's 1 am, so I don't blame myself after a school day from 9-7.), two people next to me just starting flirting each other up, and I don't doubt they will hook up before the sun rises tomorrow!

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I have had a strange experience of feeling judged or just singled out whenever I did something that was outside the norm. I am sure people can relate to this. Obviously. It's the story of life. But seriously, I HATE feeling so judged.

Lately, by everything I do.
By what I choose to do in life.
By what my beliefs are.
 Speaking of which - By what time I choose to go home from a party.
By what amount of intensity I choose to get with guys.
By how much - or nothing at all - I choose to drink at the party.
By how I choose to prioritize my sleep over going out most times.

... By how dedicated I choose to be to my work.
And by how little I accept exceptions in stead of my work.

By choosing not to eat junk or sugar or fat, because I want to be healthy and beautiful.
Judged.

I have felt that from some of my class mates, whenever I told them about my schedule or the way I rehearse. There have been some quite hurtful incidents, where it felt like I was singled out because of the way I worked. Which was silly.

Because I am dedicated and persistent?
Because I am responsible and want to take care of myself and my body?

I have become more dedicated during this 2nd semester, and I usually spend the breaks stretching out, practising pirouettes or such. I make sure to go through ballet exercises at the bar every day.

So, what's funny is that one day, when I had a 2 hour break, I chose to take the subway back home and dance in the big CMT hall (because you can never be sure to find a free room at NYFA, and especially not getting the peace to do it, because there is no such thing as soundproof rooms or closed doors at my school - you can see and hear everything).
When I came back people asked me where I'd been, and I said I went home to dance ballet in my practise room. "Omgosh, you're insane."

- I get where they were coming from, because they were tired from the long day, and had just been chilling on the sofa. But truth is, I was tired too - I just need to get better at ballet. I don't get better by doing nothing in my break. And the way they'd said it kind of annoyed me.

And the day after that I hadn't had the time to stretch for a good period like I like to in the morning, before school.. so I was stretching in the classroom, before the class started. I was in a difficult stretch that's really tiring, but good for your inner thighs - which are the muscles I really need to focus on getting stronger for the use of ballet.
"What are you doing? You're gonna do that later in ballet! Why would you tire yourself now?"

And I said, "Well I want to stretch before so I am fully prepared."
So they said "You're crazy".

Which to me was really hurtful, because it didn't make sense that they didn't see the sense in it. It's a freaking elite school in NYC. That says a lot, and we are lucky to be here.
Obviously, I don't wish to post this for my class mates to see my frustration, because I don't wish to argue.. but I want to write it for my own blog, so that I can look back on it, and remember how stubborn I became from it.
Because ever since they said that it's just made me want to work harder and grow bigger muscles than all of them.

Because quite frankly, I hate that they are making me feel bad about something ridiculous, - because what they are pointing me out for is truly the right thing to do for anyone who goes to the school. How can anyone ever just sit down and chill or get a bag of chips and a coke?
I repeat - time is precious.

And also - let this be a reminder to myself - for when I look back on my blog in some years from now - that this was around the time I learned to let go and express my anger and frustration. That is very huge. Because otherwise it gets bottled up and stresses or kills your insides. I am quite proud of this. It may seem strange... !
..
You know - sometimes I forget what it must be like to read my blog posts from another person's view.
But.. think of it this way: think of an actor as needing to express all feelings. It is our job to respond to everything truthfully and show all emotions; everything else is being untruthful.
Being able to express anger means that I have unlocked another of the rooms in my chamber of feelings. I already have vulnerability, sadness, happiness, fear.. who knows what more will come.

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From working so much with myself, I have to admit, that I sometimes forget that my day is dedicated to God.
This week I felt how I missed being able to dedicate my whole day and everything I do to you, God. Accepting that I should see and feel your presence in everything I do, not shutting it out, because I choose to rule over my own life. And I must admit I feel slightly ashamed because of that. It shouldn't be like that, because I know it isn't right at all.

But the past few weeks I have felt very good about my growth, and in some ways stronger and more independent in many ways.
But not to think that I am stronger without God, sitting here in my room Sunday night, I choose to believe that God did miraculous things in my growth, while I wasn't paying attention to him.
And there is no shame, now knowing that I should just remember to thank him tonight, before going to sleep.

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Saturday:
Saturday night I went to Ellen's stardust diner with Jessica and Suzanne from the Markle. This is a restaurant with singing waiters (just like I was back home). The waiters are mostly professional singers who have a background like me, but just haven't gotten on Broadway yet. They work to pay for singing, dancing, and acting lessons after work, and in the morning they go to numerous auditions all over the city.

It is very exciting. What's amazing is that you're in a restaurant with waiters and waitresses who take their journey very seriously and they are outgoing and joyful people who just can't resist to dance in the corner while they're filling up the drinks and belt in the middle of the room on top of the tables!
Last night they told us that they let go of 12 waiters this past year to Broadway! Id' say that's a pretty big number for NYC, I think it's very cool.

Who knows if I end up here? ;) 

Classic American milkshakes.

This place was like Grease and just very cool!

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Good news! My grandparents (mum's parents) are coming to NY to visit me, and share the celebration of my soldier enrollment.

I love this edition of the 'Keep calm' series ;)

They will come and celebrate Easter with me, which I am looking very much forward to. This is very exciting! I have tried to convince my brothers to join them, because I know at least one of them could pay for the trip, unlike my parents. :/ I am hoping they will all come for a visit one by one, eventually... 1 out of 6! 5 more to go. Miss you a bunch.

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Looking back on this week:
After doing our personal monologues, and going through a steep mountain with ups and downs this past week, I think that my soul has a lot to say!
I have felt very emotionally affected by everything that happens around me, and my temper has been on a tight string. Not that I'm not usually emotional, but looking back it seems that this week has been an extreme.

I haven't given much deep thought to Farmor in a while. The days are gone where I cry every day about some memory or smell that makes me sad, anything that ticks off the idea of her being gone.

Well, last night I had a dream about her.
I dreamed that she was suddenly here with me on earth. Well - not suddenly, because I never noticed when she came back.. but quite randomly she was just here. And quite randomly she was among the Wittenbergs, and maybe part of the family from back home.. I don't remember.. what's weird is that it was like there was nothing unusual about her being here. And it's like she hadn't noticed she was gone and how much pain there'd been left with it from that happening. She was just going about doing her usual chores as if it was a perfectly normal day.

Well - I'll tell you something; no days are perfectly normal - that's what I've learnt so far.
Maybe I'll go with 'normal days', but not even so.. definitely not 'perfectly normal' though!

Anyways, in the dream when I noticed she was there, I obviously got so happy/thrilled/overjoyed (you know what I don't think there's a word for this level of happiness..) that she was with me. It was almost as if my soul collapsed just being able to see her, and touch her and talk to her.

I wanted nothing else than to hold her hand the whole day, or hug her or tell her how much I loved her.. but it was like that behavior was awkward and an 'over-behavior'.
Because she has no clue that she had been gone - it's like she just had woken up from one night's sleep. So holding her hand the whole time was a bit awkward in the situation, because she didn't know the reality. No one around me did.

And most weird - and painful at the same time - she had no idea what had happened in between. It became clear to me that she hadn't been with me or seen me during the 5 months, - the time she has been gone.

She hadn't been on my journey with me.

She hadn't seen me dance for her in the church or every day in ballet class. She hadn't seen me dedicate and perform honest and beautiful songs to her. She hadn't seen me dedicate a bench for her in NYC and the extraordinary view from that.

She hadn't seen me exchanging letters with my granddad and learning Portuguese for him. She hadn't seen my tears for her and the pictures of her I stuck on the wall by my bed to give me my favorite view every time I woke up. She hadn't heard all my prayers.

She hadn't seen how brave I'd been. How much I'd grown. How far I'd come. How persistent I'd been.

She hadn't realized how much I loved her, because she hadn't been with me through all of this. And she hadn't heard me whisper it to her every day.

This kind of broke my heart.
- And actually reading the draft again before sending the post out, this bit left me with tears.
But it was only a dream... right?

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Speaking of journey; in my last blog post I posted a picture of me in the airport almost 6 months ago. I received this picture below from my school, which was taken the first week of the first semester.

This is what I looked like in NY.

I think it's pretty cool to think about this journey.

- Doesn't it look like I am so happy and ready?

I don't think I look the same now. Not as happy and ready, but 10 times more brave, persistent and with a slow but determined growth of an iron spine.

I can't even ask you what you think, because you can't see me here. But you might have an idea, right?

That's also why it will be so interesting to have my grandparents over. I hope they will see it, and acknowledge how that growth stands out.

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Sunday:
Today in church we talked about the 4th doctrine of the Salvation Army. We spoke about how Jesus was truly and properly man and truly and properly God. He became man and went through troubles and temptations just like us, so that we know he understands us. God is someone who understand his people, because he let himself go through what we humans go through, in the most brutal way. It is very beautiful, truly.

One thing that separates this bond though, the way I see it, is that Jesus never sinned. So in a way he hasn't been through what we've been through. I know that's very critical. But it is also true, isn't it?
I will be praying that I trust Jesus understand every part of me though.
..And I think you should all pray with me. For everyone. When we feel like God is so far away from what is going on on earth, remember that he once walked the same ground and he knows what it feels, smells and looks like.

Blessings,
Jasmin
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