Queens of God

Something beautiful I have discovered is the very intense and profound relationships I have found in so many friends over this past year. These have been unusual friends. I have found a skill of knowing almost in an instant when I see a really big heart. Most importantly, when I see a heart that speaks to me in some special way. Friends in all sizes and ages that I come to love on such a profound level, it is almost not understandable. Sometimes it leads me to think I am in love with them, because their heart gives my soul butterflies, and their presence is so powerful. It’s always women who fascinate me like this, and in some ways they inspire or speak to me in ways of a mentor, role model, best friend, or healer. In some way there have been a row of beautiful women who have made such a beautiful impact on me. This is why such an intense flood of emotion for them intimidated me and confused me for long, because I sometimes thought it must be romantic, because anything above friendship must be romance, right?

But then I found myself be very wrong! See… what is above any regular friendship or relationship or family is God’s work through us. God’s presence through other people. Such a strong feeling of love – when it’s not a physical attraction, but an attraction to the soul is – what I found, because I can’t possibly think of another reason – an attraction to the holy spirit in another human being. Now that I look back on all the great friendships I’ve had like these, they were all so strongly connected to my spiritual growth. Whether it was a mentor through troubled times – which is when God is especially near and loud to me, or a friend of faith who shared experiences and inspired me with her growth, or a friend I inspired by my faith and helped find Jesus.. they ALL have one thing in common. - There was a strong presence of the Holy Spirit.

THAT is why I was so overwhelmed. THAT is why with some of my friends I thought I would want them as partners for life. THAT is why our friendship would grow on levels I had never even thought possible.

- Because when you feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, it is enough. It’s all you need. You feel so happy and inspired to overflowing.

THAT is why at times I resent the other friend in brief moments, when the Holy Spirit isn’t present or clear enough. THAT is why my expectations of the friendship sometimes overflows. – Because the intensity and love grew from feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit first, and therefore I have learned to expect it all the time, without fully understanding it.

But it’s all coming back to me now – I was feeling the Holy Spirit through people and saw how God worked in their lives, and me affected by it. I experienced love on such a profound level, I keep thanking God and being amazed by the fantastically beautiful people I seem to meet, one right after the other … it blows my mind.

There are so many fantastic human beings I have encountered such tender friendships with: Susan, Kerrie, Mary-Anne, Allisun, Anna, Lisa, Jody.

All ages from 20-54, and one friendship is as different as the other and have been for a short period of time, or a long term friendship… they all have one thing in common, God was working through them to bless me.

And you know what? As much as I believe till my dying day that the Holy Spirit is working in everyone, I think it is a rare gift to be able to connect on that heavenly level. It’s not everyone who finds or can distinguish this, or is even open to go on a deeper level.

It’s a friendship that feels like an unconditional love most days – just like we know God loves us unconditionally. I believe it is a gift that we find friends we wish to heal and love as unconditionally as we possibly can. Without saying that is even close to possible, in the same way as God, the fact that we have friends we strive to do this for, whilst feeling the same way in return, is quite the gift from God.

And you know.. as I think about this special gift .. I think that it might not only be the friends I’ve come across so unexpectedly that have had the Holy Spirit, maybe it’s my gift. Maybe I one of my spiritual gifts is showing love or creating friendships on such deep levels that blow people’s minds.

Interestingly, one day, when Allisun was visiting in my room, I was grieving my best friend Kerrie having left, and I explained to her that there was just this magic thing about me and Kerrie when we were together. That Kerrie had this essence that awoke my soul in ways I couldn’t even explain. The level of soul connection blew my mind. And to my surprise Allisun replied, “-You know, you have that too.. This special thing. You have an essence that is so magic, this profound level of connection that entices and make people fall in love with your soul.”

Maybe I have that special thing. I’d never thought about it in that way. Until again, yesterday as I was having lunch with my friend Alice, and without actually remembering what I’d said in the conversation Alice broke it off by crying, “Omg, YOU are AMAZING!”. And I looked confused, by this coming out of nowhere, whilst Alice was trying to figure out how to explain her statement.. she just kept saying, “What you say is so unique and profound, no matter what people say you always have a ready answer that is so beautiful.” This was such a beautiful compliment, and I think back on it when I try to understand my calling.

Today I truly did think that my gift, and part of my calling is helping people. Whether it’s through storytelling or something else, I don’t know. .. but I think I have a tenderness I bring into the room, a grace, that is rare. And I am SO endlessly thankful for that gift. How extraordinary.

And then to be called Queen by God. It BLOWS my mind!

"Something is waiting for you"

I just came home from quite a beautiful, overwhelming day… or rather morning.. However, the depth and the growth in my mind was as amazing as one or several days had passed.

 These days I am seeing, experiencing and touching up front some beautiful relationships between me and friends here on earth, I’m seeing signs and understanding symbols in ways that only comes when it’s through God.

If I had the capacity and growth in my 21 year old mind to give you an exact understanding of everything that’s been going on, you must think me crazy – because as I have found, encounters on such a profound spiritual level are known real when they are inexplicable. What’s beautiful about living life at its full depth and seeing God working in it is that it’s all confusing, wonderful and overwhelming at the same time. Oh it is such a grand thing that takes your breath away, when you for sure have felt God speaking to you.

This is to the point where I just want to spend all day singing worship songs with tears running down my cheeks, or just kneeling down, thanking Him again and again.. or sitting outside in the park, looking at all the wonders that he created – to think that he create all this for me.

Recently, God has spoken to me through the relationships I’ve made. One that is the closest to my heart these days is the incredibly filling heavenly friendship I’ve found in Jody and Stuart, the Australian couple at NY temple. Their story of following God’s calling about building worship in the heart of Manhattan is just the most amazing to witness. They keep having new stories to tell about how God keeps working in them, and being a member of their church and worship at NY temple is one of the best witnesses I’ve done.

What blows my mind is that we both arrived from the other side of the world at the same time. During summer 2013, I flew on a plane halfway around the world left, whilst they flew around the world right. When I arrived my family, both in church community and heart became the Wittenbergs in Hempstead. I understand why I was sent to them and the growth I’ve been through with them kind of blows my mind too.

They were my solid rock to rely on, when I was grieving my grandma’s death, which happened the weekend before I started studying Musical Theatre at New York Film Academy. Absolutely tragic and overwhelming, but amazing what things God wanted me to do with it – create such strong unbreakable relationships here, feel connected to worship at Hempstead citadel, and use my longing for dance (from wanting to pursue my grandma’s talents and dreams that she never got to fulfill) by teaching worship dance. What a wonderful world that opened up to me, simply by the people God lead me to.

Now, my heart is still with Hempstead, but my passion is planted in the heart of Manhattan, and my grieving is not my source of creation and connections in the same way anymore.

The few times I got to hear Jody or Stuart speak, I always returned home feeling so filled and amazingly changed for the better in ways I could not wrap my head around. It was always a gift and amazing benefit for my spiritual life the times I was unable to go to go to Hempstead because of an overload of school work, or financial difficulties that made me unable to take the trip all the way to Long Island.

- Without saying I wanted to escape Hempstead – never!.. this will always be where my church family is, - where I became a senior soldier on Easter Sunday in 2014 (exactly a year ago!). But coming to NY temple always surprised me with a very intimate and profound feeling. I was usually left in tears, not understanding how it is I had found God on this level that I hadn’t known how to approach before. I learnt that worship is not just a note or a dance move, - it is the deepest feeling in your heart and a full experience.

And whenever Jody or Stuart spoke, I was AMAZED by their creation. These two powerful human beings that stood at the front of worship, wearing no uniform, but suit and full make up with heels. I didn’t quite understand how they had been given such a role and where they came from, bringing the deepest form of worship with them. I just wanted them to speak forever. I could sit in the temple all day and listen to them, and it was like everything settled in me. Their trust and faith in God blew my mind completely. The fact that they were looking so hip and cool and glamorous, yet graceful and humble, bringing a form of worship I’d never seen any official officer in the Salvation Army bring to the table before.

And it BLOWS my mind that as I write right now, God sends me the exact songs I need to hear on my Christian Pandora radio.

First:

“You can change. Wrap your mistakes in a cacoon, let them die and emerge a butterfly. You can change.”

Then:

“My child, I love you. And as long as you’re seeking my faith, you’ll walk in the power of my dearly sufficient grace.”

And he tells me over and over again: “You will be fine. You will be fine.”

The last thing he said to me a few days ago was: “Something is waiting for you. Something is waiting for you. Something is waiting for you”.

His voice in my mind has seemed to be exactly what was healing in the moment, that I’m convinced it wasn’t a made up thought – because at times in our lives when we need inspiration and encouragement, it often does not come from ourselves, we need a supportive word or hug from someone else. It’s a higher power. Real words of encouragement come in times of stillness and grace. That’s when the heavens open and can enter into your soul.

Dear Jody, encouraged me this morning to be fine with being in an in between place – this time of no school and no real destination.. a time of finding the right door for me. I was frustrated that I couldn’t find what door to actually walk through.. knowing how good I am at opening several at a time, and then leaving them open, not really daring to trust one of them – thinking it might be the wrong one OR on the other hand being so overwhelmed of the beauty and success there is inside, that I won’t enter, because I don’t see myself worthy of being there.

Speaking up about the conflict in my soul that’s been there for months and months and then sharing it with Jody, who is such a beautiful woman of God, is one of the best decisions I could make. Because sharing it with her, who is so filled with the holy spirit means that God was very present and I have poured my heart out to Him once again.

I shared how much resistance I feel towards the dream I have now – not letting myself prepare as best as I could for auditions, not having the drive to wake up at 5am early in the morning to sign up for being seen by big Broadway Casting directors. Crazy right? Being able to do that in the greatest city in the world is just far beyond amazing, and I should be thankful every day that I wake up in the city of dreams. Which I am .. but this drive that has been shut down over these past months, is this because I won’t let myself succeed, or is it because God is telling me my path is somewhere else right now?

All these dreams of traveling? To Rio … to finally learn Portuguese and witness some of the most amazing natural views on this planet. To Israel … on a pilgrimage and to write and understand more things about my spirituality. To Nepal.. to volunteer with children suffering from the earthquake.

Dreams of writing novels that I’m many chapters into so far, but have been on hold for years. Dreams of composing.. the approximately 50 songs that are nowhere but in my own personal songwriting book – yet every time I give myself the opportunity to share it with someone it sweeps them under their feet. Dreams of encouraging young artists in the Salvation army to find the storytelling and true heart of worship through the performing arts, not just by a great performance of song or dance. How amazing it would be to share the connection I feel when I sing and dance in church?

So many dreams! And only one of them is the one God has planned for me.. .or you know what probably a whole other version of what I imagine, is what he has set up for me to achieve.

The fact that he already knows all that he has in store for me is just so beautiful to me, that I can’t even begin to understand all that he has seen me worthy of.

*

The other day Jessica came home and said, “Jasmin, you will never believe what happened!!! At prayer group this evening God had given a message to one of us to say to a woman in church. No one knew who it was, but he told us to say; Queen (name). You are beautiful and have authority.” Blew my mind because 1.) I call people Queen ALL the time, it’s just a fun expression that I have at the moment that people always call me out on because it’s silly. But to think that God would call me.. or just anyone on earth ‘Queen’, isn’t that AMAZING. And 2.) Praying for believing I’m beautiful enough and can step up in my life and take charge, ‘have authority’ is the two things that have been on my mind mostly. How absolutely incredible is that?!

 The next day in the park, I’m lying on the grass reading Jody’s book, ‘Make mine Prada’, and a lady screams at the top of her lungs, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL”.. not actually knowing where it came from, and why she said it, I smiled and became curious, but kept reading… shortly after again she yelled, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL”. No matter if this message was for me or not, is it not just incredible the ways that God works in?

 Therefore, I continue to pray ‘Give me Jesus’, as the song says that now came up on my Pandora radio. What more could I ask for? I don’t see another way to live as fulfilled and beautifully. Knowing that everything was created in him and all gifts came from Him, how can I not seek him day after day and yearn for Him with all my heart.

It is something I can’t quite wrap my head around, and still feel overwhelmed by, because of the unconditional grace He gives me.

 GRACE. The one word that makes me fall to my knees, makes me want to compose all day, worship all day, inspire and live through beautiful people every day. Grace is like my word angel that connects me to the deepest part of my soul. Grace is God found in the human language. Just incredible.

Grace is a state of being. It’s a choice for life. It’s a way to communicate through the deepest part of your heart, with humbleness and stillness, but the greatest power ever. It is that inexplicable depth of a song that sends shivers down your spine.

Grace is everything I want to be, sing about and find in people.

*

So I returned to NY temple from Hempstead about a month ago because it was much easier to have everything in the city after graduating, looking for positions in the army here in the city, financially and also spiritually I felt a move coming.

Much to my amazement, there was so much more in store for me in the home of Jody and Stuart’s worship on 14^th street.

I quickly found a place in the worship band to play and sing on Tuesday evenings, when they had their special worship nights. An evening full of worship and sharing testimonies – meaning everything from a Sunday meeting that makes my heart soar entirely. My love just keeps growing for being a part of this and my heart keeps expanding for Jody and Stuart’s work, as I see it drawing closer and closer to my dreams and visions.

The greatest one of all is our dream of putting together a big concert. They see the people of New York playing on the streets come in and join in one big band. I see the songs I keep to myself most of the time, being shared through graceful worship to touch hearts of as many as possible. Which quite possibly could be the same vision in different shades. We both want profound worship. Everyone in church does, I think. But what’s amazing is that we both can and will do so. Once a dream is set out there to the shooting stars, it is with you till it is fulfilled, I have learned.

So I just can’t wait to see what God has in store for this new connection. I know how much I’ve grown spiritually this past month by just being in their presence and participating, and to me that must mean that I am in the core of where God wants me to be.

So I continually listen with my heart open. How grand a quest to be set on!

*

One thing I mentioned to Jody was how sad I felt about my drive not being as present as I remembered it to be before – mostly before I came to New York actually is when I had a drive that was indestructible because I was so set on making it to New York, no matter how unrealistic it looked to be.

But then Jody said something that kind of opened up a whole new world to me. That perhaps this is not a bad thing, there is a reason for this state of being, of ‘waiting’. That maybe God showed me the drive that I’m capable of, and now, in this season, maybe God wants that drive to be towards Him. Once I have an indestructible drive of finding and worshipping Him every day, I think everything else will become so much clearer.

I don’t know if what Jody mentioned was truly God’s plan for me this moment, but all I can say is that I can’t get enough of feeling near to Him. I feel miserable when I come into a zone, where I step out of it. I want Him to be part of everything I do, if he’s not, I don’t want to do it. So I will look for all that we love to do together in grace!

*

When you do things with God, everything is possible. I have one cute example that actually blew my mind…. Once again.

So… I have always had an excellent musical ear, I can pick up things on the spot and I can hear what sounds good and less good in an instant. One thing that has never been my strongest part of my musical skill is creating harmonies. Whenever I have been in big choirs, I have sung my harmony perfectly … but that actually being the melody line most of the time, because I am a high soprano, so I was never ever asked to do an alto line, that has all the awkward interval jumps. This means I grew up sounding great alone on solo lines and mending that with people in a big group, but I didn’t expand my harmony skill as much as I probably should. That being said, if I was given the harmonies to practise, I would nail it.. but making harmonies up on the spot, I haven’t attempted to do much lately, because it was so hard for to find on the spot, without seeing the music in front of me, or having practiced beforehand.

And when I heard a few students from my class around me who made it a hobby to harmonize with literally everything that produced sound around them in class or whenever I was walking with them in public, I just told myself to not even try to make up harmonies on the spot, knowing I wouldn’t do excellently… and so it became a mental thing, and after a while my mind started believing that I literally could NOT harmoize, and I should NOT try.

So after some months, alone in my room, I would try even so a few times… often in the shower.. with a solo show ending in horrible, hopeless tears, because I just COULDN’T find the harmonies. Simply because there was a devilish block in my mind that stopped me from hearing the true music, giving me the freedom of harmonizing on the spot. This made me so frustrated, and I stopped trying. For a long time. Even though I SO wanted to have that skill.

…..Then one day I was listening to my worship radio on Pandora, and out of no where I found the easiest, yet beautiful harmonies … singing along with amazing singers like Laura Story, Kari Jobe and Sara Groves. I thoughts it might’ve just been an incredibly easy song… but all through the radio, I kept going. Harmony after harmony. And so I kept listening to that worship radio - because apparently the way worship music was written, it was so much easier for me to find the harmonies.

And that lead into making harmonies up on the spot for songs at worship night, lead under Stuart and Jody.

And so these days one thing has become clear to me. That I could harmonize effortlessly to worship music, because when worshipping God is present and he gave me that gift back – the one I’d had, but had suppressed and felt negative about for so long, because I was afraid. Over these past weeks it’s all come back to me, and I now I hear – and sing out loud – the harmonies everywhere I go. Whether it’s at worship night with the planned songs, or in the dining room to the radio.

Second worship night for me, which was last week, yet - I got so extremely upset. I’d arrived with such a burden of a rough day behind me, but had looked forward all day to just letting go of everything unimportant that was heavy on my heart and be calmed and find peace through worshipping.

But standing there, alone by the microphone, not behind the piano like last week.. I suddenly felt the pressure of not being worthy enough of standing there again, and I caved in – not helping at all with the peace I came here for.

I didn’t breathe much while singing, which meant I cracked at a higher note, and I was so upset because of that. Not because of cracking a note in front a whole church community as the lead singer – even though that sounds pretty scary too … no upset because I hadn’t let myself trust that Jesus could’ve brought me the peace I needed. In that moment, I believed in  my fear over Him, and I couldn’t handle the disappointment in myself. I whispered to myself over and over again that it was not my place to judge myself.

And after the songs I moved myself all the way to the back of the room, and I sat alone with my silent tears. I thought, “Well if I can’t even let go of my fear in the presence of Jesus, then where is my hope?” But I know that God was not judging me in that moment, and just as I thought this, Stuart walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder and very sincerely and powerfully said, “That was AMAZING!”. And I knew from then on that I should try to put a lid on my perfectionism, because worship is in the presence, the wanting, the seeking, the speaking, the singing…. Not the mistakes. I really don’t think God could care any less, I sit now and laugh out loud about it.

So you know what? How about I start only allowing thoughts that God would allow. What’s the point with thoughts that God wouldn’t think of us anyway?  He loves us so unconditionally with his whole being, so why should we even begin to highlight whatever cracks there are every now in the human imperfect world?

ESPECIALLY when worshipping for him!

How do you worship best?
Xx

Spring is finally awakening

A few seconds ago, I passed a window that had all kinds of shapes of lamps. Light shining and displayed different ways. This to me is like human beings. See; interestingly enough, all the lamps are just as strong, but none shine the same way. And as tangled and oddly shaped they were, it only confirmed to me that our path to light is sometimes tangled, not always easy. Some people find what makes them shine at an early age.

- I think I have in a way – but my outlet is still tangled. I still need to find out what my light is here for.

It’s such a difficult, but beautiful journey.

And that goes to you too. I don’t care how old, wise and figured it out perceive you; deep in your heart, you’re still asking Jesus, or the universe, or yourself (whatever comes to you easiest) how to make best use of the outlet to make that light shine.

And what do people even take you for? As just the one face that’s on the surface before they make an effort to get to know you? … no.

Isn’t it nice to know that you aren’t the only person who’s aware of the luggage you carry? Sadly, not many of my age are aware of this – or seem to care, perhaps.

How do we treat old people, or the homeless on the street, or our teachers?

No one is just ‘wise’ or ‘doomed poor’ or ‘caretakers’. We are all people.

Seeing this – and learning it more every single day, as I dig deeper into art (the most vulnerable part of human souls), and as I become older… and wiser, if you may, is the greatest gift to life, I believe.

Another great gift, I can tell you right now as I walk up 8^th avenue from Pearl studios to the performing arts library at Lincoln Center, and so ever awkwardly tro to write in my notebook, whilst trying to be a mindful New York pedestrian, I see the gift of the blossoms of spring.

-          The ones I almost believed never to come. The gift of new life.

Just like the promise of the butterfly on my t’shirt that my therapist talked about, the sweet blossoms prove that no matter how hard a winter – they always burst out, and in so many more beautiful ways than expected.

And OH WOW, I had been waiting for the blossoms to come out. And perhaps spring time is a time of blossom for me too…

*

I just passed the theatre where I had my NYC debut as Ilse in Spring Awakening, another thing to be grateful for.

I‘m listening to Eva Cassidy on my phone as I slowly walk towards Columbus circle… of course, - what better background music can you pick for spring time in the park?!

It’s interesting.. recently I did a project that experimented with how having ear plugs in transcend, or rather locks us into a specific world, that neither that neither of the people around us take a part in. It’s like my own movie – everything I see in the city is accompanied by Eva Cassidy.

And then the song ‘Fields of gold’ come one, nothing better.. except I just thought to myself… I want my OWN Fields of gold, you know. Fields of gold is my go to song, the one thing in my audition book that always captures me perfectly, and catches people’s attention… but what if I could write that… something that was even more me, because I would’ve written it, but musically and energetically it would be perfect too.

As I walk into Central Park, taking in all the wonders of spring, I recall how I used to take walks with my grandma, in my mind. I used to go places I knew she’d enjoy, and talk about the things we saw on the way.

Oh, how beautiful it is here in the park. Maybe she can walk with me again today.

I’m underneath a cherry blossom tree, looking up at the pink leafs falling gently over me, and it’s the best thing that I have done this whole week. It is such a profound and beautiful touch of life. And when you REALLY touch life, you touch the core of happiness.

.. Kids playing on the field. I want to run around and play too.

Now she sings again, “I would’ve come to you again, though it were 10.000 miles away”, and that’s exactly how I feel. I would travel 10.000 miles.

If I found out my grandma was on the other side of the planet, I would clean the bathrooms at Grand Central Station for as long as I had to to get there and see her.

Oh  my gosh.. I just stepped into Sheep Meadow in Central Park, and in the far distance I’m looking at the biggest most magical tree with white/light pink flowers.. like a touch of heaven.

.. On the grass, a little kid must have dropped dog teddy bear – no kidding, RIGHT as I was thinking about my dog in Portugal, my loyal friend. And that’s what this new friend will be to me. I will be a symbol of a loyal follower through my artistic journey. When I loose myself, I will have his loyalty, because I now pour my love into this little thing, and promise to never forget it or leave it when I go to my auditions .. a whole handful of loyalty, how about that!

Nearing the tree, and it only gets bigger and bigger.

Guys.. there are just no words to describe how magic this tree is. And then moving closer, it just seems to get more beautiful.. as so it is in life – the deeper you invest and walk into it, the more beautiful and profound layers you find.

*

All these colors <3 This reminds me of a book I’m reading right now called ‘My journey to heaven’. It’s a man who describes heaven, as he shortly experienced it, when he died for a time. In the book he describes the colors that he saw in heaven.

And the most significant of them being; white. He says it’s nothing like any shade of color found on earth, imagine the purest and fullest of white, and then a million times that on top of it.

I feel like these white trees are a bit like that, like nothing I’ve seen in a long time.

They are white, but have a shade of pink, depending on how much light is cast on them, and how deep my eyes focus in on them.. but when you walk up close to them, they are milky white. Magic to me.

Another tree… dark pink/purple with a smell like the purest perfume.

All this – my friends – is pure love. A truest of the kind, from God.

As I walk out the park, I go through strawberry fields.. a perfect way to remind you how spirits live on in the places they’ve touched.

Wow, I just saw a couple – an old man and an old dwarf woman. Holding hands, married couple, down the street. Cutest thing ever that out a big smile.

So.. about strawberry fields, a man was playing the beatles’ songs on a guitar perfectly – and entirely in their spirit, warming the hearts of those people around them.

*

Walking alone is sometimes strange, when you take notice of how obvious people look at you for wandering on your own. But I was born a wander, so… I only wish they will see the park to the depth that I do today. At peace and grace.

Feeling alone, yes, but then a smile lights up on my face as I truly remember that I’m not alone. God is walking with me.

I mean how precious to know he’s watching me ALL the time. That he has a plan, and he knows where I’m going. Now, I imagine him up there, smiling of pride, “Oh, look, Jasmin is a step closer to the light I have planned for her. She’s so close to figuring it out.”

A woman just walked by me with triplets in a stroller and the biggest smile on earth, THAT indeed is a gift too.

*

“Come away with me and I’ll write you a song”, Norah Jones sings. Now that I think of it, I feel like that’s exactly what God is telling me.

HE says: CHOOSE me, FOLLOW me, TRUST me and I’ll show your light, I will bring you the best gifts you could ever dream of. And to me, Jasmin, music is one of the purest gifts ever, so this metaphor couldn’t make more sense to me.

*

I’m walking into the park again, because the library didn’t have Chess the musical, which I’ll be stage managing for school.

In the park, there are still a lot of Easter lilies.. now knowing it’s past Easter, it’s a little funny.. but then I think – Jesus has still risen. We should still be celebrating that. Every day of our lives, in our hearts it should be Easter all year long, just like Christmas!

*

Walking back into the park is not as easy as it may seem. It was an effort to walk out and now walking back into what’s already seen, you have to be patient with – seeing it anew!

That everything is enough, and I don’t have to go somewhere else.

I only have one plan this afternoon: going to St. Patrick’s Cathedral and light a candle for my grandma. Praying towards her birthday tomorrow.

Now, listening to Celine Dion truly is a blessing. She sings about the miracle of life – a child or love, whatever life is to you; anyhow, that definitely is what spring is about. Another gift.

“I see skies of blue, and clouds of white, the bright blessed day..” – it truly is spring she’s singing about. What a wonderful world.

- The colors on the rainbow, that too are seen on the faces of people walking by. I mean.. how great of a metaphor is that.

*

“When the world breaks your heart, no matter where on earth you are, you can come to me.”

Could that be my grandma speaking to me through the song? Because being in heaven now, I can literally reach out and say a prayer to her from wherever I am.

The wind just blew in my face, as if it said – yes, it’s true.

The wind has always been her, to me. Because love is like the wind; you can’t see it, but you can feel it.

“I know you think you’ve got to try to be my hero, but don’t you know the stars you wish upon they fall, it’s true, but I STILL believe in you”, the song goes on.. as do the purest, tiniest tears on my face. No one, except one standing face to face with me, would be able to see this girl was crying, because it was tears with grace.. because of this coming lyric..

“The seven seas you sail, they leave you feeling lost and alone, let my heart be your beacon of hope”.

And so I WILL. I will let the power of love go above all. That magical friendship that touched all the strings of her heart, as she said. I will let all that stand out.

I will never loose it, sometimes I can’t find it, and it makes me sad, but I know I’ll never loose it.

I’ve prayed and cried and dreamed and begged so much that I almost could expect God to send her down to me for even just a few seconds. So much to the point that I search for her here in the park among all the faces I pass.

But I don’t find her anywhere. I think my heart would stop  or my soul would collapse if I did see her. If I actually got to hug her just one more time, I might’ve died of happiness. I would rather die, so I could be with her.. and because I know heaven is a beyond beautiful, happy and magical place.

But even if I did want that now, I don’t think my job here is done at all. I think I have great things ahead of me that she can’t wait to see.

Or I would rather say – I choose to believe that, because I know I can’t go there now. I don’t think so anyway. I guess you never know, but I will choose not to be selfish in this moment, and celebrate the life here, until I get to the life in heaven. For now, there are so many other loved ones I can’t live without here where I am.

But for today, like right now, it’s all about my grandma, because now.. as I finish typing in this blog post till way past midnight, it’s her birthday.. and I want to celebrate and reminisce and have tea and channel my mind to precious experiences I have had with her. If anyone should celebrate her birthday, even after she is gone, I DEFINITELY should be one of them.

Happy Birthday. And happy spring!

Thank God for new friends

Thank God for new friendships. As old friends leave, I always find myself meeting new wonderful faces. I can’t believe what great gifts God give us. I mean thinking about all the special friendships I have been blessed with, I can’t believe how beautiful it is that I’m only 21, and there are so many more people to come. There are so many special people in this world, that it awes me.

At the moment, I am speaking a lot with a friend from the Markle who’s name is Lisa. She is fun and loving and openhearted – much like me, and she is one of the heroes in this city. She was brave to come, to start a new chapter in her life, after her husband passed away a few years ago. To me turning that whole story into a triumph like coming to NY is amazing, hence why I admire her. We go to yoga and kickboxing together, and sometimes I eat lunch with her in the park on East Manhattan, where she works, where I go to counseling.

So thank God for new friends like that. Can you imagine what it would be like to be alone? Why do we sometimes choose it?.. I don’t know, but I will try my best to remember how beautiful it is in fact to meet new people.

….

Staying more present in the moment is a good value that’s coming along.. meaning not always wanting to be somewhere else.

Today I so felt like, and so knew I needed to dance. This evening I found a donation based studio where I can take contemporary and ballet classes every week, leaving just a few dollars, in reality.

I hadn’t been in ballet class for so long. I forgot how free I felt. I walked the 30 min walk to the studio, with Swan Lake playing in my ears, completely having forgotten how much it made me want to fly, and just soak into the art. Dance does that to me. I’d say above anything else. And I don’t allow myself to pursue it very often. This is an important lesson for artists.. human beings in general; letting yourself do what makes you happy!

And as I rethink over all the different aspects of the artist in me, maybe dancing for me is so special, because it’s the only way my grandma is kept with me… I feel like that wind, that presence of her existence some times. Extending that line in ballet, reaching for that something, spinning effortlessly every now and then.. oh man that feeling is indescribable. I can’t believe my luck in having found this, I should think to myself. So, Jasmin, keep doing it. Seriously, as I was walking through Manhattan I thought, “You should be dancing ever single day”, because it makes me so happy. I feel like my spirit soars and I have wings to fly when I really let go here. A rare thing…. But maybe that’s the point - I should be able to do this, I should ALLOW myself the feeling of letting go, and just trusting. And I should do. Because when I do it’s like touching the robe of Jesus sometimes.

…

Tomorrow morning is another audition for Fiddler on the roof, which I hope I can be seen for.

I’m falling asleep and I only have 6 hours more to sleep on. Let’s go. Tomorrow is a new bright day full of opportunities to fly!

“Broken, I’m breaking and breaking apart” is a lyrics of a song from a new favorite artist, Hem. I don’t know why this song catches my attention so much. The way she builds up the lyrics, but sings in such a peaceful and graceful way. “We keep shooting around. These chains in the chambers are ready to blow.”

To me this sounds like one being held down by a force, wanting to break out.

Yesterday in my counseling session, Julie looked at my butterfly t’shirt and said that I was the butterfly. I am in an in between place, as most people after they graduate, and I am waiting to find my path, where I blossom the most – and become the butterfly on my t’shirt. I thought that was very beautiful.

Now, yesterday I wrote a long post on my wall with a picture of me dancing in the light (my grandma), it’s her birthday tomorrow on she’s really been on my mind and touched my life through friends and experiences these days. This is a blessing from God, - that I feel her closer these days. Tomorrow she would have been 71, which is hard to understand. She should have had decades more in my life. As I was lying in bed last night, I tried talking to her. I looked up at all the glow in the dark stars I have in my room, and I talked or her through that, remembering how we always used to fall asleep outside in the garden, underneath the stars. All my closest friends who have come to my room have picked their star on my personal sky. I know where my own star is, which took a lot of work to find. It’s always very personal picking your star, and very difficult too.

WOW SO annoying, my blog post was just deleted from here on. Basically it’s like it has to be a fight for me to finish every post I try to write about my grandma. It’s just not happening. It has to tomorrow on her birthday though.

Basically I wrote that I found that the biggest star on my personal sky of course – without a doubt – is grandma. No one else has picked that for themselves, and no one should. I need my friends who visit to be honest and humble, if they think they deserve to be the center of my sky, I will show them their way out. Truth is everyone is, but not everyone can be obviously in the number of stars there are.. and that only big one in the center of my sky is special – and that is my grandma.

And now I can’t catch up on what else I wrote, because I have to start getting dressed for auditions, so I will come back later. This morning I had yoga, then I went to breakfast as quickly as I could and then straight to the writing. Always always when I start writing more again, it’s like and addiction. Words HAVE to get on the page, it’s like energy. A way of breathing, I suppose. Let’s see where this energy goes the next days. I know that writing about my surroundings makes me become more aware of my surroundings and understand why every thing in my day is happening. Like all the signs from grandma that God sent me. I’m sure it’s like tiny forms of angel dust that he blows down to earth and sends me as love and healing and support. Nothing is a coincidence.

Much love, Jas

Reminiscing...

As I sit and reminisce, I think about what it is that make people fall in love. Truly. Is it energy that’s there from the beginning, because God planted a seed of attraction to one’s souls from the beginning, or is it based on the experiences you have with that person. Based on what ever the circumstances were, maybe there was a moment that that person did something to you that changed you for the better. And maybe other times you just don’t have that clash of a magical experience, even though you look cute together and you’re good for one another?

Sometimes you look at a person who could give you the world, and that person is just not ‘it’, you know?

Or am I totally bonkers?

- So what is that ‘it’ factor?

How is it provoked? .. A touch or smile or behavior. Can’t we all relate to one of them? But if we really think about it. Can we define what specifically made us fall in love, or when it happened? Not really, can we? So that’s when I start to think there is no explanation. Simply, this brings me to realize that love is something so much bigger than ourselves. Love is pure, love is from God. God is the maker of love and he put that seed into each of us, so that we were capable of loving each other, and above all him. And when love is the purest and most beautiful between humans, - as I’ve learned – it’s like loving God, touching God, feeling closer to God. If love is not there and you treat other people like it’s that beautiful form of love as God wished for you, - you only feel further away from God. We are all so unique, that I think we can’t possible be right for every person on this planet, even if they save dour life or sent us a million roses that made us weak in the knees. God didn’t intend for it to be so easy. He knows where we are, keeps track of us every day of our lives, and knows who he would like us to meet. If we listen to him and follow him, he will lead us to the people who we are most capable of loving, and who is most capable of loving us. That pure love feels rare… but you know, I’ve found that the closer you are to God, the deeper level of love you understand in the people you meet. This means that if you keep God close at heart, you come across those people he intended for you to love and shed your light on the most.

This explains why I have felt such a strong love for all my friends and partners I have met in NYC. When I have been most close to God, the level of love I have found and shared in people was inpecable. Truly. To the point where I thought I was meant to marry that person – boy or girl, teacher or friend…. Being fully honest, this was real love – but as I looked deeper, I was only just starting to understand that the form of love I was starting to find in my new bonds were so beautiful because God was involved, - or rather I involved him. And that feels so incredibly overwhelming, because in the beginning I didn’t know what to do with such a strong love for another human being. I saw the wonders of growing up and truly being seen as an adult, not just a child still learning – but I also learnt to look at every person in the city as completely equally beautiful…. I found love in all ages, I found I was accepted by all ages. Because when we truly grow up – which I believe is when we understand to look at ourselves as the young spirit we all are, no matter the age, I think the understanding of time is so strange that we grasp the world at our feet wherever it takes us – not just what our parents tell us to do.

All you have to do to find love, I find… is to truly believe in it. Just like you believe in Jesus wholeheartedly. How can you give your whole heart like Jesus did, if you do not believe in him fully?

What makes you happy

A few days later, and much has happened. What on earth happened to structure and plans. They are much more difficult to grab hold of, once there is no other system checking up on you – no school or job.

I am currently looking for a position in the Salvation Army or a simple babysitter job in the city besides that, since the hours for that would be perfect. Best if I can have a few days a week where I can audition in the morning. As in getting up at 5am to sign up.

I’m sure something great will soon happen. I mean I can’t be doing no show or have no job for long.. that just can’t be God’s plan.

In the meantime I am trying to find what I do best without having to be in a show. No, it’s more about WHAT do I have to do to be happy?

Who makes me happy? What activities? How far away do I sometimes have to travel to recharge, or is my room enough.

Sometimes I find myself just living a simple life. Simple as in – no plan, nothing new, no risks, no stress – yet the stress of having the desire to do more. I am not a person who feeds off of doing nothing with my life, and I hope you certainly aren’t too. Thing is, nobody is – but I find that sometimes we have to push so much ourselves, whether it’s the action of getting up and doing something or breaking your boundaries to do more and take the risks you need to, that we sometimes settle for less because we’re scared or simply because it’s easier. It’s always easier doing nothing, but is it safe? Does it in other words make you happy? Not at all…. I mean not for me. I know that I have to keep growing, exploring and believing in my dreams in order to be happy.

Interesting – I just got an email on my phone from a casting website with the headlines, “To the actor – You are not alone!”. Isn’t that funny how the universe just sends us things as we think of it, or even sometimes things we need we didn’t know we needed.

As I write I am looking out the window. It is very grey and rainy. The kind of rain that just washes all away. That’s standing.

Also my new bracelet is shuffling on the computer, almost sounding like a mouse playing with a tin can. This is a bracelet my friend, Allisun, from the markle residence got for me. A simple string with 3 silver palets on them. One with their own word on it. There was a bag full of words, and all the friends from the markle could pick their own three. I chose: LOVE, STORY and WANDER. I feel like that pretty much sums up my life style as a person. Always looking for places and people with true love, always looking for or sharing great stories, and always being about, exploring, traveling, preferably alone, wandering.

Today I tried to go for an audition for Fiddler on the roof, but they didn’t see non-union people. Better luck next time!

This week another Fiddler is coming up – for Broadway! And then the tour of The Sound of Music. This shall be very exciting, if I get seen. I am quite perfect for both shows.

I love listening to something new, so maybe I’ll just do that this week.. since the audition schedule isn’t crazy. This week I plan on reading as much as I can too. I have hugeeee pile in my room I want to get through, and I also recall always feeling so fulfilled after reading a good book. Can you remember your favorite book? I remembered my favorite book that I read as a kid, the other day as I was having a meal with a friend at a Mexican restaurant. I don’t know why I thought of it, but I was talking with my friend about places we’d like to see and travel to. Tibet is one of the countries that have always been on the top of my list. Why? Because when I was about 14 I read an extraordinary book about a young girl on an adventure in Tibet, and the landscape was described so beautifully and visual that I so wanted to go there. Isn’t it beautiful what books can do to us?

I must keep reminding myself that I have the world at my feet. And then I need to dare to take new steps, from that I will be happy, I am convinced!

I hope you find happiness in what you do.

Much love, Jasmin

First blog after being set free

First blog after graduating. Yeah, that's a big step ahead of where I stood before.
Do I feel much older? no. Do I feel much braver? no. But I keep moving anyway, because I don't have a choice, and because I keep wanting more. Of life, love and dreams fulfilled. But most of all - happiness. And truth is - after being set free, knowing I can do anything I want, - ironically, the search for happiness has become much more challenging I find.
I like to be in control of things, and I like to know where my plan is going. When I don't know it, I feel I continuously waste time that could have been better planned. Like I'm procrastinating my life. And that's the worst feeling ever. All the what ifs. Not good - not healthy. SO, eventually, I try not to think too much. I try not to care too much. I try not to worry about time and plans and dreams.
But in the end, I should care - I should continue to worry, because it's my life - one shot, one receiver. I SHOULD care. And so I continue to listen to my heart and soul and God and everything that's breathing down my neck in the city, anything that will give me a sign or a hope of where I should go next. What my path is. I pray and I pray and I pray, but it seems that the less I take action in life, the less of a response I am able to hear. It makes sense. The more doors I try to open, the more I risk and fail all at once, the more response I'll get from God. .. I will hear when I was down the wrong path, or when I should trust going further. How else can I know?

And so I continue to work on my many projects. I continue to compose, wishing that one day I could start a record in Christian music, or get a radio hit... and I audition every day, hoping I will get cast in something, and I am open to dates, dreaming that one day love will hit me again like it did before.
BUT - that would require that I 1.) Actually send in my music to radio stations and to Christian composers, whom I am fond of, and write down my music so it's readable for any other person that my brain and wonky scribbled chords only. 2.) Actually prepare for auditions with my whole heart and soul, actually giving myself the permission to book something in stead of cutting myself off before I even enter the room. 3.) Let go, and let the boy in front of me in, whom I've known for loving me for over a year now. Trust that it is OK to be afraid of being let go of again.

All this is written with so much anxiety, that I can't even begin to describe it. I have NEVER in my life felt anxious before. I thought it was not really a thing that would occur in my life. But I guess as much as I will be a child forever, I can't remain a princess forever. It's melancholic, but also life. And in a way as hard as that can be at times, it's still beautiful - because it's real.

As I look out of my window over the city, I spot an airplane, and I feel SUCH an urge to be on it. I want to witness something bigger, I want to see the world from above. And right here, right now, with these emotion, this restlessness, I feel trapped.
Wow, what a switch from my first blog post - arriving in the city of dreams, where souls fly and the whole world is at your feet. Back then there was nothing to stop me. So why is there now? Why do I feel beatable instead of unbeatable?

As I'm sitting here I look at the picture I have of my grandma in a frame, and it sends shivers down my spine. What probably should've been tears turn into goosebumps and a sigh. There is so much. So much life and love I need to communicate to her these days, and she's not here.
Rarely do I NEED people. I want to keep them in my life, but rarely do I NEED to speak to them and be with them. It's just how I brought myself up, I guess... how I was built. So when I have those few moments when my soul NEEDS someone - an advise, a simple message or a tight hug, it breaks my heart when I realize this isn't possible.
I need to come up with a plan with you, Grandma Mette. I need to laugh with you and remind myself how bright and big my future is. I need to see your face and be empowered by pure love that touches all the strings of the heart.

But she's not here, so I sit and focus on my breath and carefully choose my words that now become immortal. A feeling doesn't last forever, but words do - and so this is now part of my adventure in NY. This scary moment.

My friend texts me, "Hey Princess Jasmin", and I break into tears and curl up in a ball on my bed. Why would you say that? I keep thinking over and over again... it's too much for me to handle right now, because the love in that sentence is too much of a load for me to accept right now, in fear of having it taken away again.
So I just wrote to my friend and she said I was thinking too much. Everything will be fine I know.. However, I would never have much to blog about if I didn't think too much. True?

The Empire state building is now in green lights. Like Elphaba in Wicked or like anxiety? Who knows?

Tomorrow I have a job interview for the box office at Carnegie hall. This shall be interesting, and very scary at the same time. Just be me. Right? :)

I also have auditions at 10am and then performing in the worship team late afternoon with The Salvation Army at prayer night.

I feel like I need to go to my next step. Which is planning all these auditions/interviews. So I will be back soon. This time I actually promise, because it feels so good to paint the NY picture on paper again.

Blessing, Jasmin!