The wind of fall

There’s actually something quite liberating and powerful about sitting outside on a bench in a park in the strong wind of fall. I usually hate it, those first signs of the cold emerging as the seasons change towards wintertime.
But I actually love it right now. My hair is all over my face blown in all directions, and the wind brushes past, but also through me, like a body and soul cleanse.

I recently discovered that my whole back has so many knots that it’s like stone. It’s such a weight, and it comes from stress and sadness and punishment of myself those times when I continuously push myself and never think it’s enough.
It sounds harsh, but it’s the reality – proof is the millions of knots in my back.
So right now I am in the process of daily massage recovery, from my best friend Kerrie who’s been educated in muscles and is excellent at removing knots. It hurts like MAD – every night she cures me a step more, I think I might die all over again – but every day I see it getting better. And eventually, little by little, it’s like I have angel wings and float through the room – not carrying a weight on myself. The weight the world gives you is enough – I shouldn’t have a solid barrier weigh down on my back.

Enough about weight…
After a long period of resistance and prioritizing rest and relaxation over training, I have finally found a good drive again. Not the insane kind that drives me dead every day – but just the right amount I should have for getting my schoolwork done.

Arrgh!... I am freaking out every time I have a pen and paper in front of me – because I have such an enormous need of free writing and sharing so much of what’s happening around me and how greatly things have changed recently. But I can’t.. I’ve grown to be part of other people’s lives and secrets and so much of me now is what I am with other people. Wow, I really don’t think I make sense, do I?

It’s OK.
Jasmin, stop criticizing yourself – you’re not bad at writing, I am just going through a writer’s block, I guess.
*
I want to write a musical.
I have so many ideas floating around in the air – some just scattered, unwhole thoughts, others are bits and pieces of actual songs or characters I’ve started to create and compose.

There is a wonderful thing about starting something creative. – you’re opening up to something new that now will always be part of you and part of the working progress. And when you’ve opened this door, you can never go back. You’ve opened a new world, you’ve set life to something.

I have a great idea for a theme, but as of now, I feel like it is this big lump of words inside me that are longing to get out – and don’t really know yet how to be turned into gold.
I won’t dare to share my storyline yet, I’d rather feel confident and further in the process with it. I actually began it as a novel – 10 chapters in.. so maybe that should be finished.. 
Maybe my best friend can help me with it – guiding my thoughts at least. She is so smart and artistic too.

Oh my gosh, so about my new best friend. She was a girl in my year in the musical theatre program that I always respected very much. She is a very warm and kind little ray of sunshine, but I had never imagined we’d get this tight.

Through some events that happened this semester, which caused her to take a break from nyfa, I happened to be a friend at the right time and place. Right after writing my song ‘Grace’, I sent this to her just as a kind gesture and hope of support in her situation.
Then weeks after, from the moment she admitted that that song is what got her through the day, we started talking more and more.

And as she began to trust me more, we opened up to more in depth things, which seemed like the kind temporary friendship that was created for those sweet moments. But one day I asked her if she wanted to compose with me, knowing that she had a song inside of her she needed to let out. We spent hours and hours till way past midnight and created something extremely beautiful.
And we talked about what grace meant. And the more we talked, the more inseparable we became, the more whole we felt when we were with each other.

We both talk ‘novel’-length like crazy, but are also the best listeners and comforters for each other.

See, I thought God had guided me into her life to be there for her as the friend she needed at the time, but it didn’t take me long to discover that what she gave me in return was priceless. It’s actually insane how much we are alike – but not on that level where it gets boring and normal…
The cute little details like; favorite type of movie, loving Disney, loving cuddles, loving tea, loving fairy tales and cozyness and things like always putting our finger up to measure the size of the moon at night, and being connected to Africa (having both been to Kenya).
.. and the fact that we’re hard working, sensible, mature, strong, optimistic souls mean that it is safe and smart to push each other – wanting the best for one another’s growth.

It’s different for me with other friends that I feel get annoyed or cave in when I try to gently push them to work harder and fight for themselves and it’s tough sometimes to either feel too admired from being seen as such a dedicated and hardworking artist – because some of my persistence actually withers away because I start to expect so much more of myself that I can do.
.. Or on the other hand I feel jealousy and bitterness in a mild form or another, because I see them punishing themselves or hiding or avoiding me, because they aren’t strong enough to go with the pressure or the expectations. I’ve experienced a lot of that at nyfa.

But most of the time, I have been overjoyed to be the good example that helps create a stringer and more positive atmosphere in class. People have been so positive and uplifted at times when I could feel the whole community of the class as one working cell that supported and encouraged and complimented each other.

Not that that’s all my work – at ALL .. but the fact that numerous school mates have come up to me and thanked me for being a great example, is really rewarding – not for my ego, but my heart.


So what has been going on at school these past three month? Which classes do I have, and how’s the development going? - That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it? 

I’ve already sat on this bench for an hour, writing non-stop.. I am getting cold, but gladly this is ‘live-able’ right now. I have about an hour more, before I need to head back to school for speech class. My plan is to spend at least some of my time today in front of a piano. I really need that. Also read some more in my book, ‘The artist’s way’, work some abs a little.. but see… I won’t fit that into and hour, so I’ll probably, realistically, just hope for one of those. I will get it done during the day more though.
I have another 2 hour break later before a small dance class.

Tonight there is this movie that I found again and haven’t watched in too long. ‘One day’ with Anne Hathaway (one of my favorite artists) – it is so beautiful and heartbreaking this movie.. then I want to finish a Christian lesson in a book I went through with Kerrie yesterday, and after this long , windy cleanse, I feel like I should have a proper long shower when I finally get home later tonight.

Tonight I am teaching dance at NY temple. I have about 4 kids in the class, which is a cute and intense group. We have worked with modern-inspired things, spontaneous and abstract movements to get out of our minds and move to the music according to what our body tells us to do. I am looking forward to this. It is always very relieving after a long school day.
I run the dance at NY temple, including the dance for Hempstead corps. In Hempstead I focus more on technique, starting from a lot of ballet exercises because there I have a good group of young, eager girls who mostly have danced before. We will work towards performances at meetings in church, but also star search, - the big competition in the summer where the whole territory participates.

This is making me tired – and I realize that I haven’t had enough sleep. Getting this cleanse outside is good. Very good for me.
And when I get back later, I will share a bit more about these past 3 months – for real and share pictures too….
I hope you’re all doing well.
xxx