This is approximately when my day of work ended, finishing school at 10 with the rehearsal for our dance video. For the first time in definitely a whole semester, I felt the weight of worry and self-judgment and giving in. In such a way that when I got off the elevator on my floor and looked into the mirror – which is a habit I’ve kept doing for months, because it helped me to see how much stronger and more beautiful I’d grown after each day of hard work – this time when I looked in the mirror, it’s like I saw the old Jasmin.. the one in the first semester that let other people say she wasn’t good enough and believe that there were no limits of her dreams, but definitely of the reality of them…
I looked so sad and exhausted that I haven’t been for as long as I can remember.
Today we rehearsed the dance video, the section that I’ve choreographed. We are two days away from shooting the film, and we had to spend today polishing the dance. Instead our feedback was that the dance looked like shit and that the story didn’t come across. All tension and eyes on me, who had choreographed it. They just hadn’t gotten my intention, I guess, so there was no meaning behind the steps whatsoever. It looked like shit our teacher told us, but then again there was not much to do about it being only a few days away from filming.. therefore we were asked to just do it as well as we could. So obviously we stayed a little extra and our teacher was wonderful to help with his ideas. He wasn’t mean, just telling me the truth. Which was ok, just a little harsh, being so few days away. Sure made me stress out, I hope I can sleep tonight is all I pray.. because I have Saturday school tomorrow from 12-6 pm. .. then I’m seeing a play at 8 pm… and then I’ll film the next day, Sunday, at 8 am till late evening.
So exhausted and worn of my job today that I burst into tears when I entered my room.
I knew that I had to sleep and take care of myself.. whilst trying to tell myself that it didn’t mean I was a bad choreographer…I
I just think that I’m not the dancer I think I am sometimes, and then I get disappointed when I can’t fulfill and easily learn new adjustments and ideas to my original project.
It’s probably better to stick to writing and maybe singing. I don’t know, where I really do something that change people. This is apparently not it, and it makes me feel really shitty actually.. excuse my French …. I just think I’d better face the facts before I get hurt of not being able to fulfill those dreams of myself.
I just don’t think I can watch myself being worn down by something I can’t fulfill anyway. Am I finally right about something.. or are you all suggesting I should jump into bed and not think about it till I’m fully rested again?
Beside my bed is the candle decoration I made, that says “Dream” on the inside. I lid a tea light to put it in there, but as I leaned over, I couldn’t bare to put the candle inside of it… I couldn’t let the word “Dream” light up. I think I should take that word more lightly, since it’s kind of destroying me tonight.
No one gets my art at the moment anyway… I can’t compose, I can’t sing the genres we’re going through at the moment (this includes rock), I can’t finish a whole choreography at dance auditions like every one else, I can’t tell a story through dance very well, so they say…..
Above my head are glow in the dark stars. It is the most amazing invention and decoration ever. I love them so much. It’s surreal though… looking at the stars from underneath… it seems like an old dream that never faded away.. and here I am lost out in the stars. Little stars, big stars, blowing through the night.. and I’m lost out here in the stars…
I should really get some rest, I think. These thoughts are literally killing me. There is so much I wanted to do.. but you can’t be and do everything, you know?
Do you every just wanna punch someone in the face?
Have you ever seen One day… the saddest movie on this planet that makes me sob like a baby for hours after?
Have you ever thought what the world would be like if you weren’t here?
… well I’d better hop into bed. I am beyond way way way beyond exhausted. There are no words for it. I can’t even.
My friend tells me that I am very special, and that I should take my own advice and write it out over two pages.. what a shitty thing to do, if it’s not true. I don’t want to lie, you know?
I guess I will wait till I believe it, sometime after I’ve rested.. .when I have done something extraordinary.
I shouldn’t even be thinking these thoughts, some people are far worse off than me, and I should know that I am alright and can shine in my way.
And that that’s cool. I just hate only hearing myself saying it.. I think … wait …. I am falling asleep. I should better go to bed.
I am beyonnnnnnd exhausted.
Looking forward to be back, possibly with more hope and maybe new ideas of what I can actually do with my life these days without feeling like a di-sa-ster.
Ok, bye. X
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