But I am relieved to be back. . And really I do want to stay and share so much more. You deserve to hear everything, after all there's nothing to fear about the more layers this second year has brought. This could be a great story, very great.
I will try to start lightly. . But that's impossible really. .. to start off I'll give small hints of various days through these months; thoughts that should've turned into blog posts ages ago.
July 22
Dreams I dreamt the nights after he broke up with me:
1st night – My phone was blinking with a new whatsapp message from him, writing me that he was sorry for everything and that that was all that mattered
2nd night – I threw up at school for no reason at all. He had written me a long message twice during the day, explaining he missed me, but that I chose to let him go because I didn’t want to keep the contact. He said from a blue boble, wearing a creepy alien hat (in the girl’s bathroom) that we could have kept on talking and growing as friends, and now everything was my fault.
3rd night – I dreamt I was called back for the school’s musical anyway, and cast as a dancer in the show
4th night – I dreamt that I threw up in ballet class and later in performance lab, running out of class. He had written me a message on whatsapp saying that I had broken his heart, and that I was the first person who’d made him truly happy, now he didn’t know what to do with me.
I mean I dreamt this, but a nightmare even more, to realize that I’d almost just relived the past day over night again.
That’s the truth, always back and forth, in and out, yes and no, smile and cry.. that’s life. - What matters is that there is love through it all. Somehow that was what kept me from falling.
August 02
‘What rules my life these days’:
- Dolly Parton
- Celine Dion
- Once the musical
- Donna Lewis
- ‘The rhytmn of life’ book
- Our movie musical project that reminds me of Once in its beauty and profound themes
- Composing at least a song or a melodic theme a day
- Kali, the character from my reading of ‘A Lasting Impression’, who is so much like me and so big a part of me now
- Inspiring and awesome teachers who make me love being the career with them
- My beautiful friends who I share fun company with every day
- A special boy who loves me; I should be thankful just for that, despite all that’s happened…
Few hours before performing A Lasting Impression, my first lead role
My favorite room at school for composing
One of the last days of summer
Sunrise in the east village
August 13 (starting to seem like Anne Frank I know, but hope you get the idea)
Today was a very special day. I choreographed a sacred dance for the next worship meeting Sunday. It filled me with joy and made me fly.
Late afternoon, I was hanging out with my friend from school who I talked to about breaking barriers and allowing yourself to do your best by putting the best effort into the work.
We had such a confirming conversation and she thanked God that I was at nyfa to encourage and inspire like I do.
Today I felt so much like an independent artist who didn’t go by other people’s times and methods for my work. Throughout all my classes I had independent ideas, well acknowledged by my teachers, and I stepped up with confident work and evident effort.
I have been happy and seen how that confidence spreads joy and only brings positive energy. It’s the most relieving and selfless thing I’ve felt I ever did.
Later with the same friend, I sat with her song, which at that time was only scattered words on paper.. and we tried to compose it in the room, turning off the lights and listening to the core of the message. I asked her to talk about what this song meant to her and what she was trying to say, how she felt. And while she was speaking I played around on the piano. I asked for the color of her feeling and when she gave me a dark purple, I knew to look in the A-chords. Possibly an Ab-major. That’s how music is for me.. I see it in colors. The piano’s chords has a color each.. they aren’t that spelled out and simple for each chords, but I know where to look if I know I am looking for something specific.
And so in no time, we’d created something unique. We had her song. She had been longing to compose and finish a work in a long time, and since I had been composing 1-5 songs daily this past week, she asked for guidance.
- Gladly, it kept flowing out of me.. and still did for weeks. I ended up composing 35 brand new and great heart felt songs in a few weeks only.
If only that had lasted. Nothing lasts, so I am waiting for something new to begin. I don’t feel as inspired and at ease when I am at the piano. But maybe a whole new style will come from that, who knows. .. for now, I am just working on getting the eagerness to storytell my soul back in track where it is best.
Today
On the train ride home -
A picture of my little sister made my day. It is now the background picture on my phone. I love her so much and she looks so beautiful and grown.
I see how much I miss when I’m not home, but on the other hand, I guess they do too; miss my growth here.
Would they be able to recognize me if they met me now?
Would the same jokes work around the dinner table?
Would they be as eager or too grown for sibling cuddles?
At night – ….. Just to wrap up this big hair ball of sentiments and questions in me, and turn it into a pretty blog post, instead of letting it affect my voice, ruin my body, and slowly choke me to death..
This has been the most relaxing thing for me for about a week. Some nights I’ve slept no hours, others one, up to five.. sometimes eight, but never fully rested like I do now in this moment. Like I can now.
Because I’m telling myself that I’m worthy of the rest, and I’m giving myself the time to do so.
As children you never need to find and set aside time to rest and recharge.. your body just knows how to do that automatically at night when you’re sleeping, when your parents tell you to go to bed.. and when you for some reason haven’t obeyed your parents, or it’s Christmas eve or something major like that; the body is only hyper and excited to stay awake.
When you go on holiday as a child, this is the time you can enjoy to fully explore and play like you can’t the rest of the year. You want to try everything, see all new things, play all new games, have fun with new people.
As an adult we don’t get as much holiday.. but when you do it’s mostly because you’ve been forced by yourself or someone else to take time off to recharge. Giving yourself time to breathe and feel your core again, so you don’t break don’t from stress or something else.
Rest is the key to happiness. It’s the ever greastest value. You don’t really fully realize that until long after childhood… and the way I see it, I think the moment I fully became an adult, is when I realized the value of this, and acknowledged taking time for yourself as being the key of my life.
I always drive way too fast, and I punish myself if I don’t get all the things done on my way. I expect to go double tempo, whilst doing double the work. And I fail if I don’t manage this. If I break down because I didn’t give myself time to recharge on the way; that’s even worse.
- But today I need that rest and find peace. And I need, for the first time in months and months and months… I NEED to publish this blog tonight.
It’s so important to me.
Today I got a comment from a stranger on my blog: ”Whoa this is an amazing read, your life is like a movie!”
.. Really? I think I just write as a movie… everyone’s life is a movie. All movies come from real life. In some way or another movies have come from real life. No one just makes up stories like that, without having heard/
.. and really the truth is – and I really don’t know how many writers are brave enough to acknowledge this - .. the more words we write down, the less we seem to understand.
Knowledge is power.
But it also opens up honesty…
And ignorance becomes confusion.
- “I think he likes me, so I’ll keep dreaming about it and see if he turns out to be my prince” becomes “it’s complicated, life is not a fairy tale”.
A lot of strangers have also asked if I am still seeing the boy from L.A.
Long silence
It’s complicated.
Long silence
No ofcourse we’re not together. Life is not that easy.
…
But on the other hand; we kind of are.
- The hurt isn’t fair when you’re so young. There’s no need to carry extra burdens, if you can’t agree.
…. You don’t need to act like a married couple until you actually get married. Mistakes in between are ok, and nothing is perfect. And bless my soul, I do hope mistakes are forgiven in a marriage too!
.. but see this whole not committed thing sounds silly for me to put words to, knowing that we both want to marry each other one day anyway.
So on the other hand; yes, of course we’re still together. There is still love.
And to be honest with everyone – don’t ever fear of losing love, thinking love can be lost is just selfish and stupid. Once love is found, you’ll never lose the meaning of it. You’ll never lose the memories. And no matter how much you try to surpress, push away or change those feelings into something else.. you can’t, they won’t …
There’ll always be that little treasure box inside your heart. Only the two of you will ever have the key to that box. Once you share something with someone that can never be taken away or forgotten. That goes to family and friendship too. Whether they break or not, that treasure box will stay with you. That’s what’s beautiful about life. No one can stay with you forever anyway.
Your best friend from high school may grow into someone else you don’t recognize, whether she meant to or not.
One of your brother may go into war and not live through that.
Your wife after 60 years of marriage may die before you.
Is the loss and the pain easier when it’s by choice, or when it’s not?
.. No need to complicate it.. we can’t do anything about loss.
No matter how much we protect the love that we have in the moment.
No matter how deeply we believe in fairy tales.
No matter how closed up we keep our hearts to prevent us from getting hurt.
- We still feel it. Loss will happen.
The older you get, the more bruises you have in your heart. And the braver it becomes, the bigger the stronger.. if you let it.
And as you get older, you start to understand the meaning of miracles, and you will discover that love can do anything.
So, really.. isn’t this both melancholic and beautiful in so many ways?
But you can choose to let the things storming at you come as rocks thrown into a punching bag, or as lucky coins thrown into a fountain.
They both leave their mark. Some come and go.
But are you the punching bag that aggressively let the wounds grow, while you kick every stone back?
Or are you a pond, clear and transparent – like perfectness – that lets the bronze of the coins color the water over time, till it’s no way near as clear as it ever was, and ever will be again.. but now filled with many flavors and layers?
There is really nothing to do about it, is there?
For 20 years I’ve tried to do the best of the best, meet the best of the best and be the best of the best.
- But we don’t know what the best things for us to do are; till we’ve passed them and can see how we’ve grown and what we’ve taken from them. Till we learn to embrace the unexpected.
There is no such thing as the best of YOU. I’d better get rid of that immediately. The best of you is who you are today. You can’t live up – ever – to who you want to be in 5 years. You can’t try to hold on to what you looked like a year ago.
There is this magic presence that happens in your body and radiates in a room full of people; when you can rely and trust and accept the truth in the moment, and be just YOU.
You never know who will be the best people for us. My dearest friend right now has shown me a level of friendship I thought I’d never find. Someone I despised, feared and almost got expelled by from school, long ago.
I thought there were evil people. I thought some people’s hearts were mad eof stone, and that some just didn’t care. But as I got to learn what these people cared about and that they had been strict with me to push my boundaries and to helo me run towards my goal, not slow walk, - that’s when I realized that there are no evil people.
Everyone want s the best for everyone. Maybe people don’t want to let it be an integrated part of their actions and words. But everyone sane and human being on this earth hungers for themselves and everyone else to be happy and in peace with each other.
And as for the people who have influenced me the most; I have two layers.
There’s the layer of the souls that are unremovable from my soul; the friends who have made me who I am because I’ve grown up with them. Family members who know me for I am.
And then there’s a layer of those angelic moments in my life where heavenly sent messengers of this earth gave me a word or a touch or a smile that changed me, that helped me save myself in some situations, helped me become wiser. That unexpected person that gives you a moment – minutes/hours/
I hang on to all of them dear in my heart. But as I look back on all those people; what they’ve done for me.
I try to hang on to myself. Do things for myself along the way too.
.. Like buy myself flowers on an unbirthday, eat dessert before my dinner every now and then, sleep in on some weekends, find a new artist that speaks the music I specifically need to hear every new month, take a bubble bath, sing through Christine’s songs from Phantom of the Opera when I have a day feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere in musical theatre, free write, take a yoga class, pick a random psalm to read, sit in nature until I feel connected with it, and when I don’t forget to remember what should always bring me back to my core, I speak out loud to myself, or as a whisper in my heart, ‘My Promise to fly’. A statement I wrote in the beginning of the school year. It goes like this:
“I have many reason to fly and not drown,
I have a unique talent and a story no-one else can tell,
I grow in leaps and bounds, not steps.
I inspire and fascinate people with my devotion.
I will never forget that I have the ability to even surprise myself.
I will never forget that I have the ability to touch all the strings of a heart.
When I forget my purpose I will remember that this is someone else’s dream too.
I am a role model for my family and I have all their support.
I will not be scared or say I’m worth any less than this.
Never shall I punish myself, I have no reason to be frustrated or lose hope.
It’s about storytelling, being truthful and touching hearts.
There’s always a great story to tell.- Especially today.”
And with that, I close in for the day. Tomorrow I will give you a list of highlights of the things that have been happening over this past semester.
Be blessed.
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