Friday:
I slept in, and then went straight to Brooklyn botanical garden. The place was like magic.
I walked into the park and there was a huge green lawn in front of me, leading up to a fountain. On both sides were bushes and paths leading behind them to who-knows-what. As I a while later stood by the fountain, and dipped the top of my head into the water to cool it off, I noticed the common tradition of wish coins that filled up a great part of the bottom. I always thought this was stupid and of course had nothing to do with real luck/destiny in life whatsoever.. however, without having though of it till now, I'd been randomly fidgeting with a coin in my pocket, that I found to be a Danish crown coin... one that I wouldn't use in a very long time.
Just because it was a cute idea and a spontaneous instinct too, I threw in the coin straight into the fountain. I made my first with to a fountain. I thought beyond all, and yet tried simple, so I didn't put too big of a weight on the tiny fountain.
I wished that I would be happy. In my mind that suddenly meant a great deal to me.. and as I said it as loud as I could in my mind - since there were quite a lot of other tourist around this place, and it felt like one of the best and most meaningful wishes I had said in a very long time.
*
The next place I came to was a rose garden.
Two steps into the garden, and I immediately knew which garden this was. This was Lucy's secret garden from Marsha Norman's book 'The secret garden', followed by the musical of the same name. Lucy is one of my dream roles. It all made sense. And if anything didn't, I would make it make sense to my story.
It felt magical and very surreal to suddenly be in the set of one of your favorite stories. Knowing this, I took my time to embrace and understand every part of the garden.
I explored is as a researcher, scientist, journalist or crime inspector even... I made sure to take in all the smells of ALL the flowers I passes, listen to the sounds around me ... the sound of gravel crunching beneath my feet, the bees flying in nothing close to despair but in this flower filled garden, the birds chipping from the trees outside or even flying slightly above my head.
By the end of the garden I saw a sculpture of a young woman, and as I went to look at it and study the face and physicality of this woman, I exclaimed inside, "That's Lucy!". It sure looked like her. The role I had previously had to imagine in my mind... the way she stood and held herself and her eye level as well as the level of gentleness suddenly made sense to me.
On my way out the other way around the garden I inhabited her physicality, and walked through the path with roses feeling what it was like to walk as Lucy, with tiny and gently steps.. almost like a ghost that no one noticed, but with the energy of an angel. I imagined what Lucy's favorite spots in the garden were.. and finally, near the end I found her very favorite spot. Here I stopped, and sang through the lyrics of her song, 'How could I ever know', in my mind.. imagining where exactly her husband, the man she's singing to in the song, would sit.
And when I felt my characterization and exploration in the garden was done, I walked peacefully out of the garden, knowing the treasure of having lived so closely to this story. - Finally understanding the many signs and symbols of the character, and knowing my personal touch on it, that no one in the whole world will ever be able to present in the same way is really precious. When I walk into the audition room, as I present the song, I will be able to present the universe of the spirit of the song and the character who sings it.
*
I sat on the grass with my lunch and there was almost no one around me. Thinking back on it now, I find it peculiar that times like this is when I feel most full, yet whenever I feel loneliness - if I feel it - it is often when surrounded by people.
*
I walked around in the garden, studying the different flowers, and I remembered when my performance teacher had asked me what my flower was. I was determined to ind my favorite flower, because I knew I didn't have one yet. I have many great favorites.. my I am certain I still haven't found 'my flower'.
*
I found something close to 'Monet's paradise', when I found a pond with water lilies. I lay down on one of the benches by the pond and started reading this holiday's first novel. A new one by my favorite author, the Irish Cecelia Ahern.
I got very far into the book, but at some point also very far into a deep sleep.
Later, I found a 'Shakespeare garden' which was an area with plants and flowers that Shakespeare in his language throughout the many plays. You could walk around and study the plants, while read from where and how the plant/flower was quoted in his play.
I took a short walk into the different indoor areas they had; tropical, rain forest, desert and northern.. and then a room full of Bonsai trees, which reminded me of my brother Zakarias. He finds Bonsais very fascinating, and I don't blame him.. they are quite remarkable. I fell upon a tree that was thought to be one of the first Bonsai's .. 800 years old!
I liked to imagine tiny men sitting underneath the trees reading a book or playing a wood instrument or just philosophing...
The trees reminded me of tiny stage models. Had the tree been the whole stage. Maybe a scenic design I'll use some day...
I made sure to find my favorite Bonsai tree, because I was reminded that I in many situations fail to know what my opinion is on a topic - or even so WHY I like/dislike something. This is why I took extra good time in the garden today to study the flowers I liked and look for the details that made me like them. A color, pattern I liked or the feeling it gave.
*
I finally rounded the whole garden and ended up on a cherry blossom lane. Here I read a couple of hundred pages of my book.
As the sun was beginning to lower itself on the sky, I understood that the park was closing, and so I slowly exited this paradise. Phenomenal; I had spent about 4 hours in there!
Read all day long. over 100 pages all around the garden. from 2 pm to around 6 pm.
*
Back on Manhattan, I found a cafe in the village and got for a coffee and blueberry muffin. I just sat there reading and enjoying the peace of Greenwich village. The muffin was heaven, and distracted me for quite a bit into the novel... the waiter had heated it up, so it made sure to melt on my mouth...!
At this point I was so much into my book with my complete interest, attention and soul. Strangely - but magically - as I received my blueberry muffin, I turned to the next page of my new book and read that my protagonist was offered a blueberry muffin!
However, as our two worlds strangely clasped together occurred the second time, it really made my day, and I was reminded how much I love the magic of storytelling and art; as I got up from the cafe to leave after I had paid, it began to rain.. unfortunately on my book.. but peculiarly IN my book too!
*
Happily returned home from a walk through the pretty village. Saw myself in the mirror and said hi to a veery tanned Jasmin in the mirror, apparently just from lying on the grass for 4 hours!
My body was quite wet, from having walked in the rain... but it had been such a relief and cleansing in some way .. just lovely to feel the rain drops on my bare legs from - obviously - having been in a very strong sun all day.
*
The only thing that truly turned me off was finding a $300 bill from medical care. I am really trapped, I felt to myself, knowing I didn't quite have that kind of money at the moment.
I cried some tears, but not of childish despair.. just silently letting the water drip down my face .. weeping a bit of the weight of growing up, I guess and realizing that in some moments you just have to save your own butt.. even when you feel it challenging. Nothing is impossible, though.
As I looked myself in the mirror, I looked 40 years of age..
That's what growing up is. Surviving it is what keeps you young, I guess.
*
Feeling a bit down, unfortunately not having enough energy to focus in on the Cecelia Ahern universe right not, I suddenly felt like nothing but drawing.
It's not very often I do so.. but it's in my blood, so I think sometimes there's eventually just a part of me that has to.
It probably won't turn out pretty.. I just need to play with colors and let my mind go completely.
*
And so this happened:
I thought - it's not easy to live alone.. and as I looked down on my grandma's ring, I understood that this is what the ring proved. I engraved it 'Farmor, NY'. That means that you're here with me.
I can easily remember that night in 'The theatre basement', where I was working as a singing waitress (Teaterkaelderen). I was on a waitress shift the day you arrived to Copenhagen for a visit, so I'd planned to sing for you if you could come to see me.
I was really busy that day, as usual. Lol, I remember my elf-like costume that looked like a pretty little maid costume from Beauty and the Beast.
I didn't care what my boss would say if I stopped to say hi, she was always right behind me, ready to get to me with something.. but when I saw you there in the restaurant, I shined so much as I hadn't for a long time!
I hugged you tightly. "I know you're busy", you said ".. but just one quick thing..then I'll sit down with a cup of coffee. I have something for you."
Hmm.. I couldn't think of what it would be.
Then you pulled out the most beautiful golden ring with a diamond in the middle. My father gave me this ring when I was 18 and had to travel alone to Portugal. The place I'd found a job in an office, so I could send money home to support my mom. This ring would bring me luck and support me on the journey.
Now it's yours, and it will do the same thing for you.
I was speechless, but put it around my finger quickly. I remember thinking how valuable it was, promising myself that I'd stop biting my nails - a thing you despised too! - a ring like that had to go with a beautiful hand.
The rest of the night I couldn't stop smiling and looking down on my hand.. even though the waiters were in your usual stressful/bad mood, I didn't care.
And then I sang for you. I was a little nervous, and I didn't have so much time. Really, I was allowed to sing in the bar where you were sitting.. only supposed to do it in the restaurant. As I began my boss sent me a look that could've killed me.
But the whole restaurant on the other side of the wall stopped their eating and talking to hear this too.
- I remember the first time I had to sing in front of two big groups. My boss said, "Jasmin, now you need to sing as loud as you can!" And so I did... the two groups of about 80 people in total stopped within a few seconds, and the rest of the large restaurant too. I hadn't ever been here to see one waitress be able to stop a full restaurant for attention on their song.. so this made me proud, and I thought to myself, "Ha! Was that loud enough, boss?!".
But I mostly remember thinking how proud you'd be of me.
So when I sang for you that day, it was one of the most special things. I had originally wanted to prepare a song you'd requested. your favorite, 'Can't help lovin' that man'. But I sang my usual solo Marilyn Monroe's 'I wanna be loved by you'. I actually thought you'd be a bit disappointed, but a few words into the song you had tears in your eyes. When I was done I had to get back to work, but I hugged you real tight and said I love you so much!
That time you visited Denmark was the last time I saw you. It's funny, because I really think God worked in me in some ways on that visit, in ways that you had no idea about. You couldn't know this was the last time we'd see each other. I remember you said; "Even though you won't come to visit us this summer, we'll see each other soon - you'll see."
Now that time is not about when I have time and money to go to Portugal, but about when I will go to heaven.
*
On that visit you had your last day with our family a few days before your departure, because you were living outside the city with your brother. So the others said goodbye, but I remember insisting in meeting you the following day, when you would go to the city for your last Danish shopping. During your visit I had planned all my free time entirely to spend time with you, and I wanted the last day too.
I promised I could meet you where ever you went.
I gave you a big hug, and we planned to call each other the next morning to figure things out.
The next morning you called to say that you woke up really tired. You didn't think you could make it to the city to get your shopping done.
I don't know what went over me.. but I just started crying so much. I said, "I haven't said goodbye to you, Farmor", "But, Jasmin, my dear, we gave each other a big hug yesterday". "But I didn't say a proper goodbye, I didn't know it was the last time". And I tried to calm down the sobbing. "Okay", you said.. "if I can get a nap before I leave, we can meet somewhere in the middle on the road."
I didn't usually find it so hard to say goodbye. I was used to not living close together. Goodbye wasn't really a word that was needed much.. always.. see you soon!
But for this visit you meant the world to me, for some reason.
*
When you arrived we had the best time together. For the first time in as long as I can recall we had alone time in the city, just walking arm in arm.
You needed some lunch, so we sat down at a cafe.
For some reason, I felt it a bit awkward in the beginning.. I didn't know quite what to say to you, feeling like I'd made you come all the way for me. But you didn't feel it, I saw.. so we quickly feel into a deep conversation.
I remember we started talking about my aunt and uncle. I remember saying how angry I was.. and you could almost feel it coming out of my head as steam.. but you said, "I understand you're angry, you have the right to. But remember how difficult this is for them. Remember that they need your love now. It may be difficult, and you don't have to agree their decision, but at some point you need to realize that your support means the world to them."
I promised to let it sink in and open up to the idea of being able to accept them and their decision. I remember feeling that it meant a lot I made this promise with you. If you could, I could.
Then we went to Irma to get your 'syltede roedbeder' and yarn perhaps??.... we found some cute tops on sale and you got one for us each.
Then we got to the bus stop, to send you back. We waited for the bus.. as it was obvious in the distance, you gave ame a big hug and said, "I love you so much. I wish you all the best of luck in NEw York. You need to know that I am so proud I can't take it. It overwhelms me. There are no words for how proud I am. You know this was once my dream and for a very long time. But now I can dream with you. See, time goes fast - we'll see each other soon again."
Then you gave me a hug.. and that is when I felt I couldn't bear to let go of you. It was as if this was the hardest goodbye I had ever said. I wasn't sure why.. it was harder now, than it was saying goodbye to both my parents and other grandparents and all my siblings and friends in the airport on the day I left for New York. Looking back I remember it being more than twice as difficult. I just couldn't let go of you. But thinking about what I head ahead, knowing how many great stories I could send home to you from the big apple, it made me feel that letting go of you and sending you on the bus was just slightly more ok.
And now I'm sitting here. One year later... In the middle of this dream.
If I have ever been homesick, it has been from you.
But in many ways, you have been the nearest to me too.
Some times my dream is more than I can bear. And suddenly it occurs to me that if there is ever something I wished I could have asked you, it is:
How was it for you to dream?
Which goals did you set for yourself?
Were you sure you'd reach them, even when your parents were against it?
What did you do when you couldn't reach them?
- Is that why you had the habit to sigh?.. I remember once I asked. "Why are you sighing??".. you'd been sighing about 5 times during a short lunch around the table with the a delicious meal with the family. "Oh, I just do that. It's a habit. I've done that ever since I was your age, I think.."
How was this to live with?
What did your ballet teacher say when she found out you weren't allowed to attend the ballet school anymore?
How was it to develop yourself?
Did you have a talent in dance like no one else around you?
Were you fearless?
Did you never stop yourself along the way?
Did you know what you danced about?
Did you have a grand story you wanted to share with the world?
Were you afraid of not reaching what you could?
Were you afraid of reaching what you could?
Did you try to start dancing later on in life?
Was part of your dream reached through me?
Do you think a part of your dream was reached when you saw me dance and sing in Spring awakening?
Are you still waiting for me to fulfill my dream? - or do you think I've already done it?
Now that you can see everything from above - not having to try to lie saying, well sure I'm one of the best dancers... or I'm one of the best singers, and I have a really deep storytelling with a lot in my heart.... now that you know the actual truth about that .. did you see how I came as someone who wasn't even close to being a dancer to being a beautiful step further ahead to being a true dancer, because things just didn't come naturally for me before.. now that you can see that I have a true performer in me, but just isn't as fearless as some of the other students yet... now that you can see my development and go through everything with me... do you still believe in me?
Do you believe that I can reach this goal?
Are you just as proud of me, or is it more difficult for you now you can see my mistakes too?
Do you love me the same way?
Do you support me as much?
Do you still love to see me grow?
- Just now it was almost as if.. and yet it in my head.. but it was as if I heard you say, "My dear, you bet I do. You have no idea!"
Do you like the engraving in the ring? ;) You bear it beautifully, she says. And your journey is already more brave and beautiful than mine was.
If you'd said this to me one of the nights to 3 am in the morning, with nivea creme and red wine, I'd say.. I don't believe you!
Remember you are my angel. You are a survivor. And one day I will write a book about it.
You said this so many times to me: "I would never think I deserved such a blessing as you. Such an honest relationship and such a love. Me, who wasn't wanted and forgotten for a big part of my life. I would never have thought I deserved this."
That's when you are wrong, Farmor. Because you deserve all that at much more.. and I will spend the rest of my life showing you that.
I remember making that corner for you in the sitting room where you could paint. You didn't have the energy to take all the stairs for the place upstage.
I knew how much you loved painting once you really started.
- Just like once I start getting the grip of a song lyric.. painting made you unbelievably happy.
I needed to get you to paint. You had such big stories to tell. I think you had much more than I, and some that are larger than the world.
People may not know them, but the few I knew made enough of a Saint for me.
*
I imagine what it was like for you to enter heaven. I remember
God said to you:"There you were!"
And I think you were so overwhelmed by his presence in a way you never thought you would. He called your name, and you probably said, "I didn't think you'd remember my name!".
I hope you're painting. I'm drawing you a drawing right now.
lots of different things on a blank piece of paper, I have no idea what I'm drawing.
- Funny - I have made something like this before... A lake with trees in every color around it. The lake is purple and wavy.
All the trees resemble the different seasons - in weather, in life, in feelings. These are the seasons I shared with you.. for you.. and there are many more to come.
When I was 13 years old I went to a museum with school and we were in a workshop and had a bunch of things in front of us to create something of art.. anything.
I created a lawn with trees. Only it wasn't like a normal lawn.. all the trees were in autumn colors; red, yellow, orange, brown. And the lawn was white.. it was a snow landscape.. but with autumn.
I hadn't an idea what it meant.
Maybe it came from watching the movie 'Det forsoemte foraar' in my class some months ago...
I think at this point of age I knew of the different seasons of feelings - I must've.. just not as much as I do now.
*
I like this drawing, it's interesting. I think the idea is something you could have thought of.
.. Isn't if funny I chose the red last. I don't know if the red is love or death. Actually this particular color isn't very warm. . it's more of a blood color.
*
I was just thinking .. if you were still alive, you would probably be very sick, and I'd be heart sick of not being able to be there for you to help in Portugal.
But now, you are able to see even more than what I could tell you through the blog.
You know so much more. Probably more than me.
*
The flowers on the tree are a bit funny.. they could be daisy's, Jasmine flowers, hyacinths - mom's favorite her weddings flower, dandelions - which leaves you blow off, daises, rododendrums..
No one could draw this exact thing. Even if they had the idea it wouldn't be the same.
I like that. It makes it more personal.
Maybe I'll dream about this forest tonight.
It's funny sometimes you can dictate or direct you dreams.. if you start off by daydreaming .. making up a dream before you go to sleep, it will most likely, and quite effortlessly, continue as a normal dream in your sleep.
I used to make up dreams with you a lot in the beginning, just to be with you. And because I didn't think of much else, it was natural this was.
I remember a few months ago, when I dreamed that you came back to earth.. but you had no idea you had been gone.
*
So what things do you know?
Can you tell what things I will accomplish? Can you tell me if I will get a boyfriend in New York?
What if there was a heavenbook.com instead of facebook.com or instaheaven instead of instagram?? .. a site where you could communicate from earth to people you knew in heaven, to ask them about what would happen in the future.. or if I was going the right way.
I kind of feel like when I am so close with someone in heaven I have an advantage of knowing what heaven is like. If you came back you could tell me all about it.. but that's ok.
As long as I can grow with you. As long as you will always listen and pray with me when I pray to God. As long as you can hear, from the best spot and view, all my concerts and dance performances.. then it's ok.
It's ok.
I learn to live by myself. But I continuously learn to live FROM you and the people around me.
I am drawing four-leaf clovers on the paper now. Today in Botanical garden I looked for four-leaf clovers as I was sitting on the grass. I didn't find any. Have never found any. Maybe I should put that on my list for things I want to accomplish this summer holiday.
No matter what I choose, I wished today in the park always to be happy.
It's funny I chose to draw a lot of G-clefs. They don't quite fit in.. but somehow I made it look nice.
It's beginning to look a bit more abstract, I suppose...
The clouds are pink. There is a massive red and orange sun. The sun must be setting, because it's in the west side of the drawing.
I also think the red sun is love.
If I could go on holiday anywhere I wanted to, I know I've said Rio for a long time.. but I think I would want to go back to Africa. I have a feeling I would find a big part of myself there.
*
Is it sometimes cold in heaven?
I slept on the roof top last night. It was quite cold when I laid down, but I woke up with my face sunburned.
The corner down left is a little awkward on the drawing. It's empty and I can't quite figure out what to fill it with.
It turned out to be a big heart.
I miss granddad it suddenly occurred to me. I miss skyping with him. You know he got the new computer up and going and now he obviously uses it for his card games... but he skyles quite often with Dad.. and then me.
When I talk to him I always ask how he is. But I ask as a normal person, not pityful. I remember in my downtime I always want to be talked to as a normal person.. that's what you need through all the craziness!
Well, it GOES.. I miss Farmor, but I can't do anything about that, can I?"
- I'm so amazed by your love.
If I found someone around the age you guys met, I would meet someone in a couple of years... !
Now there is a row of yellow flowers by the edge of the grass lane.
This talking to myself/you feels more and more like a story I make up. But it's ok.. it's like when I make stories to jump into a role. It's what I do.. living truthfully under imaginary circumstances.. except tonight when I sleep I don't have to jump out of the role again. Because in its own way, it's real.
Quite randomly I drew my first color of black on the paper. A long line along the side and then lines across, so now it almost looks like a lot of stitches.. but so many that I've never seen or imagined on someone's body!
It touches the heart.. yet without harming it.
I want to play on this lane. I would love being surrounded by all the colors. It's in a way like Charlie and the chocolate factory!
One of the trees kind of look like a Bonsai tree. That garden today was so beautiful, I'm telling you!
I'm now drawing a few stars. The first one is black. The other one is a David's star. I can't remember what it is that makes it a David's star.. why it is called so..
- David was small, but a fighter. ;-)
*
Can you imagine I have drawn and chatted with you for 2 hours?
I need to sleep. I am falling asleep. I just need one detail to finish this drawing.
I made a water lily. The leaf now looks like another heart on this drawing.
I picked a random last color. White, ironically. I feel a lot of pressure to make this last detail well thought through - with this color that seemingly won't do much.
The last thing was snow. You can only see it sometimes, when you turn it against the light.. but snow was able to bind all the elements together. Snow is 'winter wonderland'.
In the bottom right corner I sign the drawing, and in the top right corner I write the name of the drawing, 'Jasmin & Farmor - our seasons'.
A big hug and kiss from Jasmin! X
Full of a precious night of having seemed like talking to my grandma all night, like we used to, I laid myself on my pillow and immediately fell into a deep and lovely sleep.
Saturday:
I went to the beach with Suzanne, my friend from the Markle. We went far off, past JFK airport to a beach in Queens.
It was a relief feeling like I was in the middle of nowhere again.
Not too great a day in weather though! It was very windy, too cold for a t'shirt, and there were massive gray clouds weighing down the sky along the whole coast line.
We placed ourselves on the sand though, with our fruits and chips, and embraced the healthy air!
To my surprise Suzanne turned away from her non-fiction books on banking and finance and asked me about the book I was reading.
- Luckily, I had an amazing book to present, Cecelia Ahern's '100 names'. She put down her book and let me read a part of it aloud to her.
She thought I was an amazing reader ... probably because you're an actress, she said... so the one page turned into pages, and then chapters, and bigger sections and finally hundreds of pages ... till the very point where we sped through the very last 20 pages together on our way home in the subway, before I had to get off at my stop, 'merely' 4 hours later.
I'd finished that book in about 30 hours! It reminded me the magic of holidays!
At some point during the day at the beach, it had started raining.. and while I at the same time fought through the pain and dryness of my vocal chords from being so dramatically active for probably the length of a Broadway show.. we hurried back to the main road of this deserted place and found a cafe where we could grab a cup of coffee/plate of cheap food.
We looked around at the people from this place and Suzanne finally gave me some more insight in the different stereo types of New York - the people from Queens, Brooklyn Long Island and Manhattan. She explained the accents and looks, and a lot of things suddenly started making more sense to me...! Especially as we saw a majority of the Long Island and Queens types walking by!
*
On my way back I got the chance to see the view over Manhattan from Brooklyn bay, right below the bridge. This is a huge park area that is being built up rapidly. It is a gorgeous area, where you can sit on the benches, walk in the green or play ball.
*
I enjoyed falling asleep to the sight of my point shoes dangling from my lamp.
They are too like a dream come true.
Sunday:
My day to the Lord. Didn't have any other plans, except a modern dance show I'd booked a ticket for months ago in the evening.
So I went to my home, my corps in Hempstead.
*
When I walked into the church and sat on down, heard the familiar entrance music and nodded and smiled back at the different familiar faces, I felt the relief and happiness of feeling more and more part of something.
To be loved and taken in in a family sometimes don't require a lot of work, not much sacrifice or a huge deal to offer.. but just being there - being available and able.
That's the key of relationships. It requires a whole lot of patience and a whole lot of trust.
- this is the way you get leads in Broadway shows too, you know.. a lot of the times being finally cast, it's just a matter of having been there available and able.
*
During church I saw how beautiful the body of Christ is. We all gathered in the center of the church, arms/hands/fingers linked in some way, in prayer. It's not just the fact that we prayed together, but the fact that everyone was focused and closed their eyes for each other at the very same time. When you talk about magic on earth - that is it.
I experienced a beautiful song this morning in church, song 733 in the SA songbook. "I want the faith of God", it says. When I really stopped my thoughts to focus on those very words, I realized that that is perhaps the biggest prayer anyone can ask for. What's even more beautiful is the human - imperfect - way God designed us.. because it means that we are never done praying this prayer: "I want the faith of God".
As I sat on the first row as usual next to Major Phil and the children in the middle, I looked around and in my discrete way I discovered some of the most powerful parts of the body of Christ, the church:
1.) The children: their innocence and eagerness
2.) The music: its overwhelmingness and ability to touch the most tender strings of your heart
*
As if a prayer had been answered, as I scribbles this last bullet point, the band started playing one of my favorite songs in the church; Someone prayed for me.
- I was just thinking that at the moment I feel like I don't have a favorite song, and so - as an artist and singer especially, in these times I am always in search of something that will feel like 'my song'.. but as 'Someone prayed for me' started playing, I realized that 'my song' doesn't necessarily have to be a new material.
For me, my heart uplifted when I found that I was entirely grateful for not being prayed for - as the song says - but now feeling that I was at a time I could finally lift my own weight off my shoulders and pray for someone else. A friend in need. So I saw just yesterday, for example.
That warmth in the heart of knowing you can be there for someone - just being there, available... that was what this newly found song meant to be. And so I guess for the time being, this is 'my song'. :)
Until I find a new one, and a new one... and another one..
*
As the children were being dismissed to junior church, I saw something new for the first time in the crowd. It was as if one of the kids hesitated to leave the church. I almost thought I saw her straighten her spine and look ahead to the altar, so as to look 'grown up' enough to stay and hear Phil preaching.
I was encouraged through word search to engage the 1 life I have in the best way. OF course. But sometimes we all forget, don't we?
Why don't we spend the 1 life we have living in the life of Christ - all we have is the 1 life.
- If I die without having lived my life through Christ, I might die again from the overwhelming sorrow of knowing what I'd missed out on.. a whole life time of it.
I believe that even though we will sit with him in heaven.. it is through our human life we really get to know him.. it is here we learn why we need him.. we discover how we love him.. and we have a life time to build our relationship with him.. before whatever overwhelmingness we find in heaven.
So why not begin now?
... Finish you race, don't give up or loose hope. Run with endurance, because there's no shortcut in life! Learning yourself and God comes from going through a hard life. There is no glory without pain. .. So God sent us Jesus to show us that he understood this pain.
So finish you race, Jasmin.
Finish your race, everyone else.
Furthermore.. if you have lost someone dear, but one who lived in the life of Christ; be sure they are sitting next to him cheering on you. They are cheering on you to finish the race. But even more so, cheering on you to lift your head up and get up if and WHEN you fall.
*
After church I spoke to one of my dearest friends at the corps. As I was speaking and we shared our stories to each other, she suddenly said: "Aren't you gonna be an officer one day, Jasmin?".. And I smiled and said, "Well, I have no idea. It's not a plan. .. but funny - that's what Susan says too...!"
She continued- "You wouldn't need anyone else to do the service - you could preach, sing and dance." ;)
Well, no - not an officer, I thought to myself, but a writer - I was close to saying out loud.
*
As I was in the Long Island Rail Road this morning, I read a new novel by Cecelia Ahern, one which is about a writer.
There was a section in the book that spoke about the soul of a writer: "She longs to write .. on computer or paper, even when she doesn't have something to write with. She longs to write even when she doesn't have anything to write about."
And I thought.. hmm that's pretty much me.
I don't know how my thoughts suddenly traveled further this way, but somehow I thought.. what if I end up doing that instead for a life time?
Maybe I'm much better at writing about my actions than actually doing them. Maybe I'm much better at writing about how to get out of my downs, than actually dealing with them.
Maybe I'm much more inspiring of an artist when I express myself on paper.
It hurt to think this way, because that in fact was a strong critique to the musical performer in me.
But I also thought.. the way I like to travel as many places around the world, the way I like to spend time in spontaneous places that I always make up along the way, the way I like to just watch and embrace the world.
Maybe that's the world of a writer.
Maybe that's how I'd love to spend my life, seeing my work as a writer would take place exactly those places, and not worrying about working out enough and practising scales in my room.
In any way, I am an artist. I can't have that taken away from me.
Come to think of it.. I think I could be a whole lot of things.
But maybe this is just telling me that I shouldn't worry about being or not being what I'd imagined, because I am a soul who has a lot in store. If I don't lock my eyes on one thing, I can already start offering the different gifts of me along the way.
*
I'm back on Manhattan in my room, just resting. Very healthy for this day in fact. I will want to work out later and then watch the Martha Graham dance performance tonight that I got tickets for months ago. And then, of course, there's always something else unexpected I end up doing....
My flowers are still standing strong
and pretty in my room!
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