A gift from God

Today was a very special day.It was a day God gave to me. Every day God gives me, but specifically this one he created especially for me. He gave me things throughout the day, let me meet people and see things that I have needed for a long time.

And after about 20 minutes of constant prayer, and a few worship songs in my quiet corner of the roof top, with a cup of tea in hand, I finally find a very close relationship with God again. One that I have been missing for many months now.

Less prayer and need to be fulfilled in Him led to more distance and eventually a feeling of shallowness and unfaithfulness. I have been a dreadful human being these past weeks, not even having time to smile at people on the street, hold the door for others when entering cafes or greeting "good morning" in the elevator on my way out.
I have escaped the world and myself and not enjoyed waking up like that at all. Each day becoming worse and worse, eating more and more and eventually less healthy.
I have not treated my body or myself as a creation of God.
Quite frankly, this is only something I am realizing, while writing my post this very minute.

I think this weekend at commissioning was a good turning point for me, followed by days where I made sure to take time for myself, reading some sort of Christian book - one a day!

As I sat on my roof top, I felt the presence of my dear grandmother, as the evening wind gently blew across my face.
I promised her to stop the foolishness and be who I really am. The beautiful person I am, who loves the world and the people in it.

God has kept giving and giving me these days, without asking for me to pay back for my bad deeds. I have taken and taken and just when I felt most at a loss, feeling most guilty and angry at myself, he gave me even more.
It makes no sense.
But that is God. That is his grace, and so I must once again understand that there is no better way than walking hand in hand with him.

This is exactly like the story of the lost son, from Luke 15:11-32. I read this and the following analysis in the book 'The Prodigal God', on the subway this afternoon. A book I was given by Susan to my soldier enrollment. Not amazing I hadn't made time before now, really.. but now I know that there was a reason for reading it today and no other time. I had to be ready for those words - more importantly, I had to need them.

*

The woman from the reception at the Markle came upstairs to get some air in a short break, and as I saw her, I gave her a huge smile.
It made me think that when I first came to the Markle there was another lady who was always so bitter and didn't give much in return when you passed the front desk and said, "Hello, Good morning or good night!".
I remember very clearly writing about this in one of my first blog posts from New York. I remember writing, "But I say hi to her anyway.. eventually I'll open her up, and she'll learn to love me.. that's my goal."
Well she did give me smiles in the end, and she got to know my name. I think I then stopped caring much.. and then one day she was gone, and a new lady stepped in in stead of her.

Well, by that time, I was so full of myself and my problems that I didn't care as much for the world as I used to. I didn't enter doors with the intention of bringing sunshine to the room, I just hurried past to go to jump into my bed as fast as a lightning.
- And quite ironically.. this new lady is one of the sweetest and most welcoming and smiling creatures of this earth. No matter if it was 2 pm or 2 am, she would always welcome you as if you were family, and she had been waiting for you all day.

But people like that annoys you so much when you don't open up to the world. It's the most distracting thing and it draws energy from you and reminds you that you are angry and sad when you force out a "hello!".

Can you believe it?

But I am certain this woman was sent from God, just to smile at me every day.
And tonight, I gave her my first smile.
*
I have been to Harlem today, and I saw my Africa again. I couldn't be happier. I was walking the streets of the market, I saw the old Apollo theatre and I discovered a world that I had forgotten parts of.

I went up there, to 110th street, for a gospel concert... but it turns out, as I arrived, the concert was cancelled. I sat to read further into my book, though.

Pre that, all afternoon, I had written the first 5 chapters of a new novel I woke up with the idea of this morning. The idea was so strong in me, I couldn't let a day go by without grasping it. Now I have given life to it, - it is a story that has begun, I have created new characters in this world, and I can't let it go. It might take 10 years until it's out.. but now I have another part of me that has been breathed into the open air, and it feels great.

*

On my way home in the subway, a girl suddenly started talking to me - without having noticed the title of my Christian book -, she asked me about what I thought the image of God was. She asked me about the idea of God as being a woman. We talked back and forth about what the 'father' role actually meant. I simply explained that 'father' is for us a protection and a role model in our lives - but to set him up as a man sitting in heaven is not necessarily what that word means.. see that would make God a human.. and he isn't, only a part of him became flesh, taking form as a human on earth, when he sent his son Jesus. Therefore, discussing whether God is a man or a woman between religions is not realistic, and also not necessarily. I further on explained that I believed faith was true faith when it was personal. Therefore, the way we see God is different and completely unique to the person sitting next to us. We humans need to create an image to be able to grasp an idea or have an understanding of who he is. That isn't necessary, because he's God - and even so, he would look different for each of us, because each of us has different needs. Our personal faith with Him is the fact that we see Him as a fulfilling of the things we need. He is a God that is able - therefore whatever I need, - if I really believe in Him - I will see, when I imagine the image of Him.

She was very open and admiring and interesting to talk with. I have no idea why she came up to me, or why on earth she started talking about it.
But riding further on with the subway, after she had gotten off her stop, I realized that this was a very special gift that God had sent me on this day.
I simply needed to hear myself say those words out loud.

*

This afternoon I received a grant from my grandfather that allowed me to travel to California to visit my best friend.
Furthermore some help from my parents to support my extra ballet classes.
I received a beautiful letter of recommendation from my ballet teacher that captured me as a performer who improves in bounds and leaps, not steps.. and a performer who is engaging and fascinating to watch with every move she does.

Most of all, I feel my steel of spine, optimism and devotion growing back again.