Lying here in Bryant park, for the first time feeling a fresh green lane this year, I look around and see that people are just people.
And by this I mean, I look back on when the skyline and park I have as a view lying here was literally a faraway dream picture of some big city that had the power of making my dreams come true..I notice that what should have seemed intimidating and huge for a long time is really just a place on earth like any other. It's not like Britney spears reserved a spot on the lane while Paris Hilton has a photo shoot and Justin Bieber gives a concert around the corner. I thought I'd see more of that.
But even so, is just full of normal people. The cool part is that the few times I've seen or met those kind of people whose face I knew from tv or stage, I saw that they were just people like me too. Literally, just like that.
... There is really nothing intimidating about this place. There shouldn't be, so to speak.
These next 6 weeks off school I'm learning to be an independent artist in the world biggest city for that - the big Apple. I am getting up at a reasonable time and going to bed as so, I'm taking class in dance and looking for workshops, concerts and public opportunists to meet other people in the business, I'm seeing Broadway shows, planning jobs and visa opportunities for next year and doing my best to take care of myself.
I cannot wait to see what I get out of this.
The only thing in the way is that I've let myself have what I wanted for the munchies.. but I think that's important for me to do just for a few days so I don't think I'm not on holiday as well.
I'm only two days into my holiday - which I chose to spend on Manhattan for the time to fully embrace and experience this new home of mine. .. And I'm already astonished by how well I've come to know the city. . Learning it by bike, and being able to take in everything around me. I really didn't knew much else than the route between my subway and school till hopefully now. .!!
*
This morning, I woke up to my sister telling me she had passed for the second year. Made my day. Or still - night. It was 6 am and I went back to sleep.Wow the second time at 8:30 by my granddad calling from Portugal. He was happy to see i don't wear red lipstick in my sleep!
I noticed that I'd dreamed about Portugal. My dig wad chasing a cat that had got stuck in a cactus plant. When my dog tried to catch it he got stuck in another plant to. And he cried for my help to help him or of the needles.
I looked this dream up in my dream book.
Having splinters in your body: means you now are able to deal will pretty irritations, which you couldn't before.
Chasing: it means I need to be aware of what my actually goal is, as chasing is a sign of desperation.
Cats: a cat denotes unhappiness and bad luck - your self reliance may blind you to weak areas unless you correct your faults instead of pointing them out towards others.
My dog: my childhood.
My dog, Koke and his mamma Olga <3
This dreaming is telling me how much more thick skinned I've become. This is a celebration. Except that I don't know exactly where all the work is pointing towards. Which I shouldn't know of course... But I need to know deep in my heart what it is I really want, so I don't burn myself up just for the sake of the work. My dog is me as a younger girl, one who was more fragile and shy - yet went for the stars.
In the dream I want hesitating to take out the needles, but I was careful and almost thought I wasn't able to - that's where the dream ended.
So for me the dream is showing me the older me, who has more power and less fragility. Yet, I doubt in my abilities sometimes because I see the younger child I was and I'm scared that's still me. But it's not - I need too know that I now can and I am stronger.
*
Here's bits and pieces and pictures from the first part of my holiday!Gave in my grandma's ring, to have her name engraved in it. Wanted to do it for a long time, but haven't dared to be naked on that finger for a while.
'Farmor, NY' it says
Saw Idina Menzel on the street. She was talking to her agent, is what I guessed, outside Starbucks.
There she is with the bun and heels ;-)
Finally went to get my first pair of point shoes. One of the happiest moments of my life.
A former ballerina at Capezio looked at my feet and helped me with my turn-out. You have the feet she said - in three months, you'll be doing foitees!
I want to prove her right. I will be starting private lessons in ballet next week.
Capezio, New York
I am used to hearing my teacher saying after a holiday: "I can see that no one in this room has practised and had chocolate all break. I want you to be aware of how much it does when you have several days off without dancing."
- Well 6 weeks off would be a lot off. 6 weeks is also a big opportunity to improve, if you only focus on that! I want to return from holiday hearing him say that "Jasmin is the only one here who looks like she has been practising in the holiday - what a great example!"
*
What has been amazing for me today is sitting at random places, knowing I can determine when I want to get up and walk on, knowing I don't have an appointment to run to.
Left: Sitting by the water, almost felt like the beach for a moment because of the strong reflection of sun .. however this was just close to Radio city hall by 50th street ;-)
Right: Breakfast outside by a gorgeous square on 23rd/Bdwy.
I sure will be back!
I had yoga at 9 pm this evening. at St. Marks place. 'Yoga to the people' is free and amazing. Felt so fresh and amazing after class. Long after the class, I could feel my diaphragm excellently and I took natural deep breaths, with an incredible ease during my walk home and further on till I slept.
I got myself a bouquet of flowers. No one else is here to celebrate my 1st year graduation, so I figured I would be nice to myself and give a well deserved flower bundle! I am proud of you, Jasmin! ;-)
I also finally got some lights for my bike, so I don't bike NYC in the dark. NOT very smart!
My room is in fact being more and more homey. So, weirdly - as I was filling it up with more materials, I started to wonder when I should expect to move out. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to get a basket for all the things that lie on my floor as a mess after all.... or on the other hand, maybe I should just be ready to give it all away! I would like to be the kind of person who could move spontaneously to Mexico if I got cast in a tour there... or simply just found a job that would pay off my loan.
Left: My room, all clean! Right: Sometimes this is my bedroom.. not bad!
*
Before going to bed, I read a ballerina's blog about her former eating disorders, and how much chaos and unhappiness it created.- I am good! Eating.. in fact can't stop. I love food, I just really do! Know that it's just a matter of getting back on the hard-workout-schedule horse. I remember when I took classes every day in dance, I spent so much energy it was like I could never eat enough. My body is not in disorder, but I am aware that my mind is sometimes.
.. The day I don't get my period one month, you can be worried .. but I don't think that will happen .. first off based on the amount of boys around me that are gay.. and also based on sometimes not eating enough, but always knowing how to top it off with a chocolate cake!
Tuesday:
Waking up well rested, with no alarm ticking off, to sun and good memories of a wonderful yesterday, when I walked the whole city, got hundreds of chores done and made myself proud and happy to spend the holidays like that.
Possibly want to try out for a Broadway show tonight. Rush in the morning!
I got tickets to Rocky. I had no where near expected I'd like a musical about boxing, but I'd had it recommended.. so I went, and oh my gosh!!
IT was amazing, probably one of the best shows I've seen on Broadway so far.. and I've seen about 25 so far I think..
The girl in the show is a role I'd love to play one day, the scenic design and direction was amazing, the story and music was captivating and inspiring.
10 minutes of walking in my point shoes then breakfast. Peanuts, cornflakes and scrambled eggs. That's all -fat, carbs and protein.
I have had yoga almost every day and working out, plus biking every where
around the city. IT has felt amazing to my body! ;)
My favorite thing I own
Love love loveeee wearing them!! It's no less than a dream come true.
My arch is improving insanely much - and by improving I mean,
doing well with being stretched out of capability and above what it's built for!
Above: Foot normal.
Below: How the foot looks after being pulled out of a point shoe.
Thursday:
Tonight I went to Teresa's farewell party, and she told me this really beautiful thing. She said that some mornings when She hasn't been able to get up, she'd think:
"No, I can do it. Jasmin does it, so I can" she said my determination was mind blowing and inspiring.
Another friend told me that she has been inspired by me to step up in dance, she had really moved this semester - thanks to me, she said. . Because I showed through my work that I just wanted to dance with ask my heart and this reminded her of why she's here.
\
What's the light? .. Broadway leading up to Times square by night. This is pretty fascinating and inspiring to watch on a night like this.
So do better Jasmin, you are on the right track. Trust it and embrace with all your heart. You can do anything. If everyone else thinks so, heaven knows I have triple in store! ;)
Midnight snack on times square!
Friday:I went to a ballet class yesterday that was absolutely incredible. I have never worked harder and wasted to impress myself and the teacher more in my life. He asked us to put our legs beside our heads, so I did it. He have me amazing feedback that I've never heard before. I wad happy that he corrected me, because he seemed like the kind of godly professional ballet dancer that doesn't bother correcting a student unless he sees potential.
He was Danish.I could hear it in his accent, and when he counted out the steps to demonstrate, he did it in Danish. But I didn't want to say I was Danish too.I wanted to keep it on the anonymous professional level.
- Anyways, I was the fattest dancer in the room. I am but used to looking chubby in a dance class, but I was. .. to the point where I was scared he'd comment on it, saying something like; "Well maybe you'd be able to so the steps if you lost some weight"..... Which is of course exactly what I felt like.
..I told myself I wouldn't eat today, but I have been so active these days I don't think it would benefit in building muscles at all. I'll just eat less and do more ab-work.
I am possibly going back to his class already today. That was amazing.
Ballet Academy East has live piano music to each class.
This is incredible and I'm very lucky to have access to such a place!
I am meeting with my ballet teacher tomorrow tho talk about private coaching.I want that for next year, so I can become a ballerina. I bought a pair of point shoes, hoping I will soon fit them beautifully and do pirouettes.
I just want to feel what it's like to fly on that level.
She is excited to take me on and were meeting over coffee tomorrow to discuss it. She is very supportive and believes I am the most hard working student at the school.
Saturday:
I met with my ballet teacher this morning. She is indeed very interested in giving me private lessons. She will help me get on point.
I am gonna work hard and truly become a dancer without doubting my ability this semester. - This is a vow I make to myself.
Just got out of subway from Lincoln center... managed to get $20 tickets for a ballet tonight. Incredible. Now I'm heading to a Salvation army concert in Washington square park. Or rather a thing with divisional art teams.
I'm outside it's well hot. I'm wearing woolen socks and a jacket. . But I have period cramps.. Hence the packing and cozying up.
I love these pictures from the public dance! Left: Lieutenant Olivia, the officer leader of our NY temple core on 14th street.
Right: Olivia's fiancee Cadet Pratik and Josephine behind him.
*
Sunday:
I'm at the subway on my way to long island.
Early morning woke up at 7 am, even though I went to bed at 1 am. I figured I'd be fresh and exercise, so I ran for 10 minutes or so outside on my neighborhood - no-one was up at the time, it was weird.. actually kind of like in the suburbs. Then I worked out for 10 minutes on the biking machine on the highest level there is, stretched for a bit and did 100 sit ups.
Then I had breakfast, where I met Fernanda and her family from Brazil. . She was flying back this afternoon. I asked how she felt about it and she replied mixed feelings.
I said, if I had to leave New York I'd probably cry a lot. ... which I don't do so much when I leave places anymore, because it's become a natural part of my life.
I don't know why I said it, it wad just a quick impulse, and it made me really rethink about my life here. I didn't think I loved it so much. .... the fact is, I always find it difficult saying oh my gosh I just love new York - whenever people ask if I like this new place so far. . But I've realized this difficulty had come from my journey in the art. . It's not easy to love, but sure is worth it a million times.
Realizing how I blurted this out yesterday, I've understood that I would be sad to leave because I now understand it's the best place to grow as an artist. Without growing as an artist I wouldn't feel whole.
Therefore moving away would be like taking a part of me .. for now of course, one in stronger in the person I am as a performer, I might end up living in Brazil, Mexico or London.. or Australia or Prague.. So many beautiful places with beautiful culture and sights.
As an artist you need top know where your 'homes' are though - New York, London, Rome, Moscow, Paris, Prague, and maybe Rio, L.A., Barcelona.
These are the cities that live and breathe for you... of course everywhere else is what you live and breathe for - you just need to be sure of yourself and what you have to contribute to places when they aren't actually looking much for it.
Everyone and everything around us makes us who we are. .I know that is
said before in my blog and it's very klichee.. But I just think it's so beautiful.
That's why traveling fills you up more and more every time as a human being.
*
I'm on the subway actually almost falling asleep. I am thinking if I got the right food. Oatmeal work cinnamon on top, cornflakes, 2 scrambled eggs on two slices of multi grain bread. Multivitamin tablet and for glasses of water. Protein, fat, carbs? Eggs are protein right? Carbs is the bread? Fat is in the oil they used for making the eggs I'm sure. ..
Sometimes food is obviously not enough, even though you had the right kind of energy.. rest is part of the energy building too!
Sometimes food is obviously not enough, even though you had the right kind of energy.. rest is part of the energy building too!
*
I was just thinking, if this turns into love, I'll have a million tons of inspiration and new energy to perform from next semester. That would be cool. Either way it goes, I will have lots to sing about from fresh experience.
..Whenever I sing about love, it's either imaginary or tracking 2 years back in memory. It's getting old and not shoo truthful anymore, so I am so happy I have news stories to tell finally.
And I am very happy I am finally out and experiencing more, getting out and making me contacts on this city. . than just working on and work myself the whole time...Whenever I sing about love, it's either imaginary or tracking 2 years back in memory. It's getting old and not shoo truthful anymore, so I am so happy I have news stories to tell finally.
Next station is Nigeria. ...
.. haha I mean Mineola. My phone spell checked it to something very different! Imagine if I hadn't noticed, you'd be shocked how literal I wad taking my concept of traveling and seeing more. Lol.
*
Went to memorial day service at a salvation army cemetery.First event in uniform. Yay.
In the car with Phil and Susan
Soldiers walk in step by step on a line
to put a flag on each grave from this year
IT was actually a breathtaking experience. I couldn't stop looking at the graves. It was quite a sight.
I got a red rose.
*
Car extremely hot on way back - like in Africa in wanted to go swimming, butEverything was closed.
A bit restless, definitely needed to be out and under the sun.. So I called Josephine I got her with me out on a long walk to the river. I just needed to be near some water.
This dear friend of mine is leaving the country in a few months!
Down by the Hudson river, watching a priceless sunset!
We ended up eating a freaking lot... I just do when I'm with her.
- Chocolate pizza from max brenners, frozen yogurt, chicken sandwich with fries, spinach roll from the bakery, Starbucks iced tea.
Cafe by 14th and 9th. I love this square so very much and had wanted to sit by a cafe for long. That's what hols are for ;-)
I had a lot of coins I finally thought I should use...
- I don't think the waiter liked us very much!
Our Max Brenner's visit!
A Starbucks visit to get the only drink without calories
that they have! Mmh love their iced tea ;-)
Love union square, it's so fun.. this guy stopped with his bike
to do some yoga positions!
Monday:
Woke up feeling shit and very angry with myself. Excuse me my French.
I just felt extremely heavy and fat. I had 280 more calories than I should yesterday. I counted it on my daily 'fitness pal' app on my phone.
Biked as hard as I could for 30 minutes straight (burning 260 calories), sit ups, skipped breakfast but took a handful of nuts, went to yoga. Felt muuuuuch better!
Lovely day out. Awesome walk to yoga on 9th and 3rd av!
*
At around 1 I met Alexandra from the markle for brunch. At first I thought I'd probably only have a fruit or tea.. but I'd been up and very active since about 8 am, so I definitely needed some energy.. definitely not greasy pancakes or heavy waffles.Had an amazing salmon with salad and fruits on the side, I felt so good and healthy. This was amazing. Altogether this was $10!!
If everyday were like this is weigh nothing I said.. I will try to cut down on carbs whenever I'm not too active.
I couldn't sit up straight because my back hurt so much. . I have 101 sore knots I'm sure. Stress and heavy work out.
Got a massage just around the corner from the restaurant. Could have screamed hallelujah, but decided to close my eyes and breathe like a normal person instead, just enjoying it.
I truly deserved this and it's the best decision I've made in a long time. Had a banana and iced Tea afterwards. That's the kind of food I should have.
*
I got back and saw that my bike was stolen. Not mine, but my friend's. Bad freaking mood, already money problems, it's not going well, really not I feel like a liar and sinner.I don't know what to tell her. I said to God... if you give me back the bike I won't spend any money for May and all of June, except ballet classes.It wasn't there when I got back from the trip later. I'd prayed for it, but it's not like I'd expected I deserved that, since she'd strictly told me not to leave it outside. Well the one time I do so, because I was too tired to bring it upstairs when I got back at 1 in the am... it happens. I am very very angry. There is not much to do, I am very sad for my friend loosing her bike that she's had for her whole life almost.... I am more sad that I can't actually make it up to her. I'd rather just live with not being forgiven by her, than try to get her the same $600 bike.
I really don't know what to do.
She says she wants money. First time I've been asked to do something like that, but I suppose I don't really have a choice but to overcharge on a loan.. and then of course not see any shows this next month.
I wish there was an easier way out. That people don't steal and it was easier to forgive from the heart.
Times like this I just don't feel like being on earth.. truly.
*
Needed to get out. So am now on subway with a picnic basket on my way to Bryant park to meet with Josephine. Seriously haven't been able to relax and just be out inthe sun for ages. .. that is the sun that just arrived. And with a swift! ! We have 85 degrees today:D
*
I am the happiest girl in the world right now.I just finished sewing my ballet shoes with silk ribbons and elastic bands. I look beautiful. This wad my goal. Now I want to dance in them.Tuesday:
Had my first modern class in NYC. My ballet teacher says that when she saw me in Spring awakening she saw a modern dancer. Without looking at the actual dances, she says the way I move onstage.. it's like my body wants to do modern. My dramatic intake and very strong artistic point.
So I thought a lot about that, and wanted to give it a try. I do like modern, when I understand it. In fact when I really know how to dance from my soul, I love modern.
Ballet, on the other hand is like flying.
Modern is messy, but large and daring.
I liked the class, it was relieving to let go in many positions I've had to keep tight with muscles for a long time.
I biked 2,5 hours altogether today! I also danced 2,5 hours altogether today!
If there is one point in the city I am afraid to die it is always here..
it's kind of insane crossing from a high way,
and I always just take a deep breath and pray hard,
enjoying the rush downhill, whilst expecting the worst!
After modern class on 92nd east side, I biked to 54th west side and had my first private lesson with Sara.
I was on point.. like actually on point, without holding on to the mirror!! :o We did the exercises for about 10 minutes, then took them off again, my feet were all red, and then I did some jumping to stretch out the feet.
*
.. from now on I don't have very many pictures on this blog post, because since Tuesday night I lay my phone down, deciding not to pay much attention to it and not bring it out on my trips, so I wouldn't feel dependent or even addicted to it. Gosh, I hate my phone sometimes. Ironic of course.. I just don't want it for my holiday!Wednesday:
As I was walking down the hill, I saw the young guy sprint uphill with great determination. We'd crossed several times before because he'd been running back and forth.
But this time he really made me smile and I really noticed him because of his impressive speed and a full on beautiful football (.. my idea of soccer!) wear.
Immediately I thought he must be training for a big goal.
his outfit was neat and proudly worn - his favorite football player from his country, I suppose. I imagined this might be his favorite buy of all his things - just like my point shoes - because it was a huge support and part of the realisation of a dream-to-be.
I imagined he was training to be on the world teams to be in the world cup one day. And this summer would for him be all about working out, learning the demands and finding the inspiration from all the matches on TV this June.
Seeing him work so hard alone in the suburbs .. or even so; the middle of no where, was breathtaking.
And most of all it reminded me of someone I knew very well. Me.
What will become of him? ..I thought.
Seeing him here, it made me think .. How many thousands more are like him everywhere? .. not unique in exactly his way, but with his level of determination and work ethic.
They can't possibly all get on the team for a world cup. And this really broke my heart.
What will he do when he can't make it to what he dreamed?
Will he spend the rest of his life having that lump in his throat about a dream unreachable, or will he have found something else along the way that naturally made him happy with the new place he was?
*
My theory is that when you really want something, the whole universe will come together to make your wish come true.That's just the way it is. It's God's beautiful work. - It's the purpose of life.
- You have to work for it as if it's the only matter in the world, sacrifice and have patience.. but if it's what you really want, you won't hesitate to do so.
This is why I wonder why not everyone of these gems can get in the world cup.
And so I thought of a second theory..
- If you don't reach the goal you worked hard for from when you were little, it doesn't mean you failed, it means that you have found a greater goal. That God directed you down another path. Through all the work the effort was not for the usual intended, but for something else, unexpected.
This is not because God needs to make room for everyone in this world and create his 'easy ways out'... this is because God's mission is to create beautiful stories in life; of adventure, dreams, surprises, and how lines cross over in life (who's and where we cross our path with).
What will my story be?
Will I succeed in what I've dreamed of since I was 10 years old?
*
When I wrote in the beginning of the post, "As I was walking down the hill..", you might have read it in a metaphoric way .. of me having a moment of disbelief in search of a fire to restart in me.No - but just for a day, for now at least, I needed a time to get away to breathe and be surrounded by absolutely no one! .. Surrounded though; by a landscape that would take my breath away and remind me of how grand God is.
And so I did - because you know very well I don't wake up like this without fulfilling my wish.
*
Waking up at 10:30 am with a very sore body from 3 hours of biking and 3 hours of dancing yesterday, I made an uncomfortable yawn and felt my restlessness and longing for something outside the pressure of Manhattan.It took me 20 minutes to look up things online that went with the category; mountain-climbing, one day trip away, cheap getaways...
.. Before long I found an upstate NY forest area.. I already forgot the name of the place, because it was so far out.. and it doesn't really matter!
About an hour on train upstate got me far enough into the countryside and when I saw hills and forest area as I was emerging the last stop by train, I thought.. YES, THIS is what I wanted!
I went by foot around the area, just seeking the uphill areas, so I would get to see a view over the countryside.
*
I don't know how long I went hiking uphill... I went behind a private house and up the rocky side, there was no official trail path, so I just went up rocks, fallen trees, thick layers of leaves, rivers and animals in the pure nature on my own. =)It was so very wonderful.. and then I got to the top. Love that feeling. In general ;-)
Hallelujah, I saw the view! Tiny houses, forest and mountains as far as my eye could see. Thank you, God - this is what I needed.
I had my lunch, which I'd gotten from a tiny kiosk, and then fell asleep on a comfortable space on a rock. I probably slept for an hour or so, surprisingly! I was just so exhausted. It's also ironically very Jasmin-like to wake up one morning feeling absolutely exhausted from almost using the muscles till dead yesterday, and then deciding to go mountain climbing. I'll just never learn. I think it's hilarious, but so wonderfully adventurous.
You see, for very long, on a very intensive level, I have asked my body to do what it's actually not built to do; ballet. I have also at the very same time asked my body to live on less food than it needs; perfection of a ballet body. My mind is exhausted and body more even so.
- But the trip was just what I needed..
I strongly decided not to bring my phone - to have no social network or security and little cash. Just pinned out the directions on a drawing and went for it. It's only control freaks who can't go on a trip without asking their smartphones for direction. I didn't need direction from technology, but rather where my body wanted to go.
Just me spontaneous, out in the wild, like the way I was originally made for ;-)
I brought a book to read, but ended up only getting 4 chapters far into the book. I actually spent most of my time just being, gazing and setting my mind on a level 0 - absolutely no need for thinking or worrying about solving cancer in this moment!
*
It is now close to 10 pm, it's pitch black and I can't find my way down the hill..... just kidding, I'm on the train almost home..!
I was clever enough to catch the 8 pm train home from the middle of nowhere just before dusk.
... Now back in my room, went straight to bed with a cup of tea.
*
As I was walking out the path train from Jersey and heard the noise of Manhattan's streets above, I stopped and hesitated moving forward for a bit - not feeling I was quite ready to go up there yet... almost thinking I should have stayed overnight on that rock. But my jacket was thin and I was freezing as I woke up a few hours ago, so maybe it was best not to.I might have gotten bored to death for some hours, but I'm only sure that would have been very healthy for me!
Maybe some other time..
How much braver and independent it would make me.
At some point I was also considering a day trip to Central Park - with a backpacker bag, exploring the giant square and not coming out of it the whole day.. sleeping in a bush somewhere in the middle.
I figured if you're smart enough to hide from the rapists they can't harm you.
It sounds attractive.. Just letting go and being in one with nature, but I don't know if I'll end up doing it.
My bag is still full of food actually - an orange, trail mix, dark chocolate, pepperoni sticks, sesame bars.. then a novel, a sketch book and a map of some county in the state of NY.
So, I figured out where I went:
You can see my trip on the map below. I'd had it pinned out before I left, and then wrote down the few directions on paper to take with me.
Just a big green area to explore.. and I'd like to go back from another angle another time!
The world is at your feet and offers you basically everything, that's why I'm a big fan of just GOING whenever I feel like seeing/touching/smelling something. Anything - it's right there waiting for you. Anyone's idea of paradise can be found if you just GO.
Another time, maybe with a friend, I want to rent a cabin for $60 out in the wild.
I want to take other day trips.. to:
- Coney Island
- Bronx zoo
- Brooklyn botanical garden
- Ellis Island, the immigrant museum
- Harlem
- Boston
- Random places with megabus, if I am lucky to find the 41 tickets that they sometimes have.
*
I will turn away from my writing and go to my new book, by my favorite author, Cecelia Ahern. I am captured by this book.
And of course, this exploration and never-ending adventure is why I love acting too.
*
As I was walking down the mountain - alone with the thoughts of my insanely high goals, repeating unhappy thoughts of my body structure, a feeling of being under the level of my idea of GOOD, a stress about my VISA situation, feeling lonely, feeling like I need a sign for further guidance, feeling scared of the 2nd year because of my expectations to myself.. YES, a lot right?...... as all of this was running through my mind, I thought to myself, "Jasmin, you really need someone!"This new boy might not be my one.. but I wasn't even joking on any kind of level .. I REALLY need someone.
Someone like him, who isn't insane, makes me laugh, and tells me I'm good enough. That's all. But I realised, that if I don't spend my life with someone that I can share my heart with and feel earthly grounded with - I will die and rot ugly from the inside out, never knowing how to be satisfied and know the good around me, whilst busy looking for perfect.
I really need someone. And I must admit I felt kind of sick when I realized this, because I truly realized how awful it is to be with myself sometimes. How dangerous and unhappy I make life for myself sometimes.
If someone was there for me just to hold me and be with me, I wouldn't act towards them as I sometimes act towards myself, because they'd be there to remind me of simple beauty and returned love.
When you're with yourself you have to live on the love you can give yourself. If you don't give yourself love then you're in lack of it.
*
Whoops, I feel my tummy turning and the feeling of puke coming up.I might be vomiting all night! - I do remember that couscous salad from the shop tasted a bit sour and funny this evening.... this will be the second time in NYC I have been poisoned/had old food... it's not okay!
Typical! - when you try to be healthy and eat smart.
Well, I want to fall asleep before it comes; maybe I can put it to rest overnight.
See ya in green in the am, Love Elphaba. lol
Thursday:
There was no sign of Elphaba! She is not for me, yet.
Woke up happy and late after sleeping 11 hours. Wow, this sure is holiday.
Felt a bit like getting away for a day again.. to a place like Brooklyn botanical gardens or the zoo.. but I felt more like publishing a blog post for these past 10 days! I also think staying home one day would be good for me.
Besides if I ended up being bored at home, there would be so many things for me to do.
I wrote a song to my brother Zakarias' confirmation celebration. With the letter came a dead snake I found in the mountains yesterday. I'm looking forward to hear what he thinks of it!
I took my late breakfast/lunch around 12 from the markle and sat on my roof top with it, whilst putting this long post together!
A short break went to return the bike - after writing about the bike thing on my blog I felt a bad mood emerging on this otherwise beautiful sunny day, and I figured I should go and get it done with immediately and leave the $200 she'd asked for on my way back. I don't want to discuss any more. I think it's just a thing I had to do, so I don't want to wallow in that bitterness anymore.
The weather today is truly beautiful, so I felt like getting some fruit for the roof top, knowing I was no where near done with this post ;)
I got 3 bananas, a huge melon, a mango and an ice cream for $5! It was like shopping on the streets of Portugal in the far off mountain areas.. I should go to the Eastern side for grocery shopping more.
I have come to really enjoy being in the Eastern area!
A cozy cafe I'd like to go to sometime!
I thought this public park looked very nice and welcoming.
A lot of people go in their past time, so I've heard!
Irony.com
Not a very nice place, but more down to earth and somehow a bit like home. It's difficult to explain.. but in this part of the city especially you can just 'be'..
... amongst Brazilian women who stroll down to the kiosk in their night gown, rocker boys who almost knock every one over with his skateboard, drug addicts sleeping on the benches, an African American couple of girls laughing loudly on the streets in their own slang, a hippie sitting on the pavement in the sun, a bunch of more and lots of fun... common these are all just people. unique with problems and interesting stories to tell. Just like everyone else.
This is a part of the city where you won't be seen by a famous agent, definitely.. but this is the part of the city where you see more of humankind and remember what Meisner is really about.. so I thought, as I was walking the streets with my shopping bag.
This is probably where AIDS spreads and your neighbors get shot at night... but being a part of this village suddenly takes away the stereo type in you and makes you a stronger independent person.
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I had a piece of dark chocolate left in my room. mmmh. Dark chocolate on melon. Never shy to try chocolate with new ingredients!
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Just took a break for my fingers. I loved looking down my arms and seeing how tanned I'd gotten the time being here on the roof top! Getting tanned in New York actually goes quite slow.. I am not sure why. I got up to look at my gorgeous view. Decided I needed a trip after finishing this post.. after having a quick dinner at the markle.I looked out the southern side of my view and for the first time I noticed that a slight opt of the Brooklyn bridge is visible from my roof top! I'd never seen that. Maybe I should go back there, I thought. Haven't been since my first and very insane trip around New York City on foot. This time I'll bring my roller blades, so I can finish the bridge in no time.
One other thing I've wanted to do this holiday is to go about in the city with screaming colors of some insane lime or green or pink. I saw a girl doing it one day, it just really made me stop and stare, laugh my head off and smile at the brave choice.. so I thought.. I want to do that.
I might have something in my drawer, or I might be able to find a dress for a few dollars. Everything is on sales now.
Being close to water is also what I need.
Maybe I'll see if there is a museum open on my way back. I found out that even thought most of the museums charge you - even as a student, it's actually just a suggested donation, like at the met... so really I can go about anywhere ;)
Maybe I'll see my favorite painting at the Met, or see the Broadway section in the museum of New York.
I sure am getting hungry...
When I get back all my pictures will come on, and I'll be ready to post the blog. See ya soon! X
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I got to the bridge! Of course I did, because I said so.Actually roller blades wasn't the most awesome idea because my ankles very incredibly sore from intensive ballet training. I can deal with my point shoes. Unfortunately, roller blades or not the kind of foot wear that has a beauty worth the pair - unlike my point shoes - they are quite ugly and funny looking, and should be for fun.. !
The weather was grey but lovely, 13 degrees celsius. I loved seeing things from the bridge that I hadn't seen before, and figuring out distances from places that I suddenly realized I'd been to before, but not known where they were in comparison to the rest of the city, discovering exciting details I'd like to go to another time too.
See, you learn a lot from a simple trip like this! ;-)
- But to be honest the best part about standing on the bridge was simple.. knowing I'd said I'd like to go about 30 minutes ago.. and then standing here; having had the energy and time to pursue a simple wish like that felt fantastic.
That is exactly what I should spend my holiday doing, because it's a special time that doesn't come around often.
I went through a beautiful park on my way back, one that I've wanted to go through every time I biked past it on my way to school. City hall park. They have some beautiful flowers.
When I got back I worked on point for 30 minutes including the turnout exercises that my ballet teacher introduced to me. We well get rid of your bad habits, she said. The way you've improved already, it's like you're a whole other person. .. you have enough artistry to understand the movements of ballet on a new level. - That's some tights to start on, every time I practise alone!
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Editing my blog and adding pictures takes hours- believe it or not!
Still working at 10pm.. so I decided to bring the work to Starbucks for a chai tea latte till their closing time for a chai tea latte. :)
Still working at 10pm.. so I decided to bring the work to Starbucks for a chai tea latte till their closing time for a chai tea latte. :)
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Just finished.. it's now 1:45.
..Tomorrow I feel like visiting the botanical gardens and maybe a museum too. But most importantly, I'll rest from today and wake up tomorrow extremely open to anything I feel like doing.
Goodnight, I will head upstairs to my roof top and see whether it's too windy to sleep outside.
Nightynight!
xXx
Læst! Med stor fornøjelse. Kh far
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