Final week of 2nd semester and end of first year - part 1

Monday:
- Back to school!

So happy to see people again!

That feeling of finding duck tape in your shower from the mic you stuck to the back of your head for the theatre performance this weekend!!..

Today I finally borrowed a bike and changed transport from subway (dark and claustrophobic under the ground is not very refreshing for the soul - especially in the morning!).
No, I don't just want to be like every body else. I miss biking, it's the perfect way of starting my day and seeing the city too - so I'll bike to school from now on. It's very incredible. It'll take me about 30 minutes with traffic....

*

La Bayadere

Right now, I have reached 'The kingdom of shades' scene in La Bayadere, a recording from Covent Garden. I stopped the typing to dance along for a while.. I just have to extend my arabesque and won more grace in my arms, then the simple routine should be there.

Now my lower back hurts a bit, because I didn't warm up my legs before forcing an arabesque.

How is just love ballet. A beautiful and graceful way of telling fairy tales. It's like another world. Unlike musicals - which I feel like are closer to our world, ballets are a whole other language - and somehow not of this earth.. but like something invented on a pink cloud in heaven.

I will be taking as many ballet classes as I can next semester. Then hopefully the rule with not being allowed to attend more than our own classes at NYFA won't stay that way.

Perhaps in my dreams I will be worthy enough to stand on point in a magi-looking tutu and wings like a swan.

If I was a ballerina, I would fight my whole career to dance Odette/Odille in Swan lake. And this was turned into a musical, I would originate the lead.

... People at my school say it's me - pretty much a duplicate. So much that my teacher made me include it in my business statement. As of now (the artists I am today) I am: "A Disney princess crossed with black swan".

There is just something about the level of drama that is heightened in ballets and operas too.

I just really want to do that. BE so beautiful.

*

Anyways.. biking through in Manhattan on Broadway was not at all as risky as I thought it would be. What the crazy people about the city is, the people crossing the street randomly. The cars are fine. Sometimes a taxi will cross over without blinking that he's going to turn.. but that's met loads of times in Copenhagen.
I think that when people are taken aback by hearing I bike it's really because New Yorkers are born to travel by suway - it's just not part of the tradition of the city to bike on the streets .. and probably because there's no space too really.. but I'm alright on the streets with the few other people.. and of course I'm wearing a helmet!
I wouldn't dare anything else in one of the biggest and busiest cities of the world.

*

This afternoon I had a 2 hour break, which I first spent out in the sun reading my Gelsey Kirkland autobiography.
It truly inspires. I almost fell asleep in the sun - it was so lovely!
I hope I got some color. :p .. can't wait to look like a native American (!!!) when summer finally comes with its strong rays of sunlight.

The last 1/2 hour I spent by the piano - replaying some songs that I composed about a year ago, and haven't had the time and opportunity to work on further!

New song called ' if I don't dance '.. so far at least

I talked with one of the assistants at NYFA who happened to talk about my songs.
He said that he wrote stories sometimes too, and we agreed on sharing some of our projects and working towards a film project.. hopefully a new music video.
Would be stupid not to use the resources I have around me at this film school!

I just realised, by watching an incredible solo dancer in the ballet, that when the steps go really fast, that when the steps go really quick, it's not so much about control - it's about letting go.... and allowing the weight of your body lead you and the intentions of your soul.

Today I spoke to my other ballet teacher, Sara, about dance dreams. She said something very interesting; that when she watched me onstage in Spring Awakening, it's like my body was hungering to dance modern dance. She said the way I moved and more body language was like a modern dancer.
While taking more ballet classes, I want to explore this other side of me. I have not understood it for a very long time... I never quite saw the meaning of it. - but after learning to dance with my soul, I have found it as being extremely beautiful and so very connected and expressive. It's like you can throw your soul around the way you want to, because it's more free.

*

The two lovers in the ballet have entered heaven together now, and it's the most beautiful. They are connected by a silk scarf - like a magic bond, something very fragile but unbreakable.

Tomorrow I have ballet first thing in the morning, and I have already decided to do my very very best and act like a ballerina in classes; it always helps tremendously, ... it's just not always my mind trusts the idea.

Goodnight from here I say, as the audience claps for curtain.

Tuesday:
Today was quite a remarkably long day. My legs are extraordinary tired. I biked to school (30 min.) Then had dance from 9 am -2 pm, then biked to the library to return some dvd's and back to school again (2 x 1 hour), and then home by the end of the day.
All together 3 hours of bike riding around Manhattan today. That is both physical and a lot of mental energy!
I want to find out how many miles that is... I don't know, but anyways... I just feel tired. And with good reason.

Funny fact; the city is quite more busy and lively.. and dangerous in the morning. I hadn't thought about the difference between 8 am and 11 am. BIG DIFFERENCE!

I felt my nerves coming out too - wanting to shout at cars cutting me off in traffic, or buses driving too close to me. I am fine though.

Gorgeous sad lane

Spring is out! !!

Pretty intimidating city

So here I am - 20 year old sweet girl biking around Manhattan like it's nobody's business, among the Chinese bike deliverers from the countless food chains and the crazy hippies who don't keep an imaginary lane in traffic, but rather speed in between cars as if they asked to die - either on bike, roller blades or a skate board. I don't know how long they last...

*

As long as you still have your mind set to watch out for cars, biking is a great way of philosophizing.

I had some good time in dance today and some less good time. And with a sad mind I thought, - is the dark side of you ever something that will go away, or do you just learn to live with it, or does it even become smaller. Is it possible that you keep falling back to dark doubtful places, no matter where you are on your journey.. with the only difference that you become wiser each time, so you should listen less and less to them. IS it just as big a battle every single time?

I would like to know.
I almost thought of talking to my dance teacher about it, but I would feel stupid, because I know that this is an issue I should do something about myself. No one can help you believe in yourself, no one can push you to practise more. So if I go to them, they'll just say.. "so you want to become better, just do so."
- yeah, I know. So I'll work on it, and come back to you when I feel proud enough to prove the point. That I could handle it myself.

See, for some time, this results in not really wanting to face them. Not feeling proud or worthy enough. Especially my dance teacher, who is one of my greatest inspirations - is also like my own mirror. I can't face him, if I don't feel proud in my work. It's actually really horrible, and kind of mean.. since not talking as much to him seems personal... but .. yes, I feel like I don't want to be seen and acknowledged when I'm not as good as I am at my high points.
I hope he disagrees.

- This is giving me a head ache, because I'm thinking too much!! Argh. IT's what the teachers tell me the whole time too. In dance, I'm working TOO hard.. And I loose the relaxation and looseness in the dance. I apparently over think things, which over complicates the otherwise simple things... the thing is I just don't find things in dance that simple yet... I think because I need to. I'm sure they're right, but at the moment I'm just trying to make sense of the irony. I am one of the most hard working students, and apparently at the moment, this is not really giving me any credit.

One other thing I was philosophizing about was that I realized that achieving our dream is really not getting a special place/doing something specific/with someone specific... it's found in ourselves - our own achievement. .. you see I could be on Broadway in a musical, but not work hard enough to show my best or not dare to show my best, or not get along with people, or hate the work schedule, or not be happy with the audience... when truth is all these things require that we achieve the dream from inside of us... living up to the image we dreamed of is always imagining that we can do/be something.. that doesn't come without work.

Inside of you is your dream, which for one thing makes it harder to reach your goal if it's difficult to work with your own issues - for instance.
I dreamed in a long time about going to a musical theatre school - if I didn't live up to how wonderful I originally thought of it, I kill my dream. I need to grow in it, enjoy and embrace it and take every moment of it in.. just like you would take every second in with all your senses, if you had a really fantastic dream.

That's why it kills me inside out, invisibly, that I don't always enjoy classes because I am trampling on myself with critique.. missing the opportunity to enjoy it and embrace.

However, knowing this about myself is one big step ahead. And it's all part of the learning process, which I'm sure I won't regret later on in life.

Stressful just a tad that my meisner teacher today talked about our career ahead of us, preparing us for the truth.

1st year after graduation is entirely about SURVIVAL. Simply being able to breathe and take everything in, having food and a place to sleep...

2nd year is about finding the best place to live in whatever city you choose and finding a job that can pay the bills

3rd year is about finding a job that you love, discovering what you want to spend your time doing.

6-10 years from graduation is when people usually have a solid job that pays the bills and a good career in the field that they love to work with. Meaning, realistically.. Broadway? 10 years from now.
I always said to myself.. no I'm more than that. I have the thing, I'll make it and get a lead in something. Be an exception. However... New York is not so much about just talent.. actually far from it... because an endless number of people in NY have talent.. so to book a job it is more than 80 % of the time about contacts and what network that brings you there.

Which is why I no longer should expect to walk into an audition for Beauty and the Beast and get the role of Belle as the youngest ever to play it.. I would never get the lead from my first audition. I would perhaps not even get a cast member or the swing or understudy... they don't dare to hire unknown people on Broadway. Risks like that involve a $15 million budget for the full show..... therefore, it's about the contacts I can make beforehand that take me to those audition rooms.

Oh no, I'm about to fall asleep over the computer. I'm almost done... I just need to write out yesterday! :p I have it out on paper from last night.

*

I decided to end my day with a twix bar. Which resulted in another .. and then a whole package.. and then another. It was quite extreme, and I'm not quite sure what's happening.

This is not like me at all. ..

I think I keep telling myself I won't eat the following day.. so I'm like eating like there's no tomorrow, because I'm preparing myself. well, it shouldn't be like that. Tomorrow, I decided, I will not be eating at all. I will try all day. I think not eating at all is easier than taking just a little, because I'll wake up my appetite. I am used to only 2 meals a day now. .. but not much is happening with my body yet. I have started doing my workout too.. and of course biking.. so I hope it's visible by the end of the week at least. I'd like to be more presentable for showcase week, which is next week.

Coppelia

Good night of inspiration even though my head is about to explode. Let's see how the day tomorrow goes. I will get back to you about that. X