I try to be strong, but it's like I think more about eating when I tell myself not to. I will skip a meal - or limit the size, telling myself I'll live with nothing for the rest of the day.. but then at some random point, I'll give in and buy something more aggressive than a healthy salad.. like a bagel with cheese and coffee.. or a giant chocolate egg from Easter.. or a non fat ice cream with strawberries... or a croissant for breakfast.
I'll go crazy and suddenly have my mouth full of something I didn't even think to eat - like an animal instinct in me, hunting for food as if today was the last day I could eat.
Or I'll skip a lunch and be persistent in thanking no to friends who ask me if I want some of their apples, because my decision is not to eat.. but then go mad by the end of the day and say yes please to someone offering me chips.
So actually the only thing I'll intake that day will often be unhealthy/fat/sugary over healthy.
The thing is, I haven't had the time to work out for weeks now - just because the schedule is so crazy. My thoughts are - you loose weight by working out or eating less - and healthier, so since the first has been out of question for a while, I thought it better not to eat so much at all.
It's a tough fight though.
And right now all I can think about is chocolate cake... mmhm...
It's 4:30 and I've had a cup of tea, a bowl of whole wheat cereal with fresh strawberries and a tiny bag of pretzels so far.
I am debating whether I can skip lunch or not..
In the park where I'm at, I can see a subway behind the fences of the green area, and I'm thinking a lot about getting a sandwich there.
How much.. 400 calories or so?
If I take that, I'll go without dinner.. but I was hoping for neither.
Sounds sick of me?
.. When else would I became a perfect sized ballerina with thighs that don't thump against each other when I work out at the bar.
The more I think about my eating habit, the more zoned out of this wonderful park and cranky I feel.
When I came into this park, I felt like I entered heaven. The red tulips were blooming beautifully like something I've never seen before, the sun was shining and the birds were chipping...
..now the sun is almost gone, I just realised that I had been deaf to the birds for some time, and my mind is so tight and blackened, it's giving me a head ache.
Balanchine demanded his ballerinas not to eat at all
He was like God to them, and so they listened even though his idea was madness.
My ballet teacher wants me to eat, but I want to be thin and beautiful enough to be noticeable and be able to present myself as a real ballerina.
When I have time for more exercise and classes, I'll eat more.
.. Now I don't know what to do.. I feel like getting a sandwich and then going back to my school to workout.
But, I feel like I lost the fight and gave up, if I eat. I always say - for tomorrow I'll be strong and stick with nothing.
I haven't been able to yet. see?
Now, I'm in a really bad mood.
If I go ahead and eat now, I'll just be like any other normal person who has normal meals on a normal day - with the one exception that I am a person who have had crazy thoughts and personal battles in between.
So, if I don't eat.. I'm not crazy, I have a reason and a goal.
I am going to ballroom for a 1,5 hour class, followed by an hour rehearsal of Spring Awakening dances though.
I am so split right now. I feel like I could explode.
Plan for the rest of the day:
-sandwich
-ballroom
-dance with Chad
-get a massage
-situps and pushups
Tomorrow:
-stretch and workout
-run
-big breakfast
-spring awakening rehearsal
-sandwich/salad/chicken
-situps and pushups
.. See the problem with making this plan ahead of time, is that I probably won't stick to it
It just better not be = more food+ less exercize, then I will be really mad at myself.
Gosh, it's a battle.
Big sigh - okay, I'm doing it - I'm getting my sandwich.
I feel ashamed.
*
Each bite felt like poison to my body. At least that's what my mind told me.. I know that my tummy was glad to be fed.When I got back I went straight into a plank position and forced myself to stay there for 3 minutes, resulting in my stomach almost cramping.
When the 3 minutes were over, I collapsed on the floor sobbing.
- Of this messed up state I was in. Of my large thighs. Of my yet uneven lines in ballet. Of how long a battle it felt like to become as good as I wanted to.
*
I need someone. It's hell being alone.. but I also can't talk to someone, I can't share this thing that I have. They will try to shrink me, and I don't need that. I need someone who's just there with me. I can't think of anyone.So that's when I come to Jesus and ask him to lay his hand on me.
I need healing, I need rest, I need love in my soul. I need to love my soul and only Jesus can show me how to do that.
*
I think Ilse gave me another purpose and more important reasons to fight for.Doing well in exploring my character and seeing the whole show grow, I felt very proud.
I continue being so proud of you, I must say to myself. Sometimes I forget it, when no one else says it... that's when I should remind myself the most though.
Let my voice today be the voice off all the unheard souls in this world.
*
My family out of all people know how much I love having stories read. I'm sure they have wondered many times how it is that I am still such a child on that level, seeing my younger siblings have started to grow out of it long ago.But they have learnt that is has nothing to do with being childish - because just as fast as Beauty and the Beast always seemed to land on the last page for me when I had it read, I became an independent and brave young lady long before my parents had even imagined, I think.
From when I was 8 I traveled alone overseas on an airplane to visit grandparents in Finland, Estonia, Norway, Portugal and family in England and friends in Cyprus, Scotland and Holland. And this was only the places I went to visit someone. I found it simple to take a weekend away to a random place I pointed at on a map of Europe - just to get a breather away from the weekday's stress and pressure.. and that's how I got to Ireland and saw some of the most breathtaking and captivating sites I've ever seen my whole life... having spent years in Africa, and traveled to China and The Polynesian Islands.
And then I was brought here. By myself;).. and here I am, sitting in a Broadway theatre in New York City, going through tech rehearsals for a Tony-winning musical. Quite surreal where you can be brought the different places around the world.
*
I am sitting in the audience right now, waiting for the other cast to start their tech rehearsal. I am so very excited. This is the feeling of the excited audience, waiting to be surprised, and by that hoping to be blown away.So I know from this feeling, that as the actor onstage I have a big responsibility of keeping this promise with my audience. I need to keep my part of the promise - which is surprising them with a story that blows them away.
Right now onstage they are all going through mic check and for the purpose of it they decide to start singing one of the company songs - not agreeing on the key they sing in.. being in their own world they all blurt out at least 6 different keys and produce one horrible chord. Of course we all just laugh about it. Kristy Cates, who is sitting next to me in the audience jokes aloud "Yep, you're going to Broadway!".
*
The show looks amazing, and I can't help but think about what incredible work my teachers and all the other professionals have put into this show.They're doing all this for us.
I should be endlessly thankful, because really - I am the luckiest girl in the whole world having such a beautiful show like this set up for me and my fellow students.
I want them to be proud of me and think that their work is worth deserved - and that
we may give them more than they are giving us.
Stage being swept ready for the second round of magic
Ally, my good friend - who plays the role of Anna
Alec as Melchior, the male lead - in a classroom scene
Song of purple summer - my favorite scene
Naomi, our swing - and quite the hard worker
having to know all the female parts
As I am watching all these beautiful people onstage I think about the fact that they look stunning because they are proud and open about the beautiful voice and personality they have. Each and every one of them know they have something to offer.
Seeing beautiful people onstage reminds ME that I am beautiful. That I should be proud of the voice I have, of my unique personality and beautiful soul.
After all, what the amazing truth is, is that this beauty is what people want to see onstage. Therefore, not believing in yourself and not seeing yourself worthy onstage is absolute bull**** - excuse my half french.
More than anything, once we rely on our beauty and dare to share it the audience will be relieved.. the promise of the magic bond between the audience and its players will enrich and become more truthful.
*
Wow, the story of our musical Spring Awakening, is so touching. Sacred and precious I want to say. Ironically - after having seen those scenes at least 30 times, and played in most of them, parts of the beauty is only seen when you have peace to just embrace the story from the seat of an audience.The actors onstage yawn and rest their backs on way back on the chairs in between scenes in 5 minute breaks.. probably just like I was in the first run.
- Just because we've been here from 11 am, and it's now close to 7 pm.. we are possibly here till midnight... However, from sitting in the audience and really seeing the show for what it is - all the special effects and the fantastic work - I see the magic of the storytelling. That's what they are all surrounded by onstage - lucky LUCKY people!
So how dare anyone break this preciousness on the sacred stage, just because they're tired.
I know that everyone has passion for this. But sometimes we all forget what kind of magic we are part of, sadly.
*
About my eating habits it's better and more stable today (meaning my psyche about it).I had bread and oatmeal for breakfast. For lunch at 5 pm a chicken wrap. Then later a 'meal bar'.
Then at 7 pm, after sitting a while watching the show stop a gazillion times for tech corrections, I went off and got some licorice. It's not the most unhealthy.. and I won't mess everything up with this.
*
Listening to 'Heaven' by DJ Sammy. Tearing up by the beauty of this song. And then sad, because I have no idea what this kind of heaven is. It actually seems surreal thinking that someone could love me that way. Just out of my reach. Just like a.. not on this earth scenario.After the search, longing and heartbreak that comes of this is an incredible chore of musical theatre - so those strings in the music is something I play well. If I can express it through roles in the meantime, I won't mind waiting longer than I should.
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