It's right across the street from where I live, and quite delicious and convenient - except for the massive line that fills up the whole shop.. but it's OK, I just got my 2 eggs on a bagel order, and my morning is fulfilled so far!
This day doesn't have many chores in store - or at least I won't allow myself to fill it up with chores. This Sunday is for rest and time to reflect/blog about this past wonderful week.
The week I had my debut in NYC in a production of a Tony-winning musical in an off-Broadway theatre. A week I made friends with a Broadway producer.
A week I blossomed and shined and grew and was brought to tears by my teacher's support and inspiration.
On Thursday May 1st the musical theatre department at New York Film Academy opened their first musical production - something our head of musical theatre Kristy Cates had been working on ever since the course started 5 years ago.
This year's student started in a new building with excellent facilities and a growing faculty, right by the exquisite view at Battery Park. Luckily, we were the students who got to do premiere in their first full musical production!
It is without doubt that I acknowledge how truly lucky and blessed I am to be a part of this round of students. And without doubt I am so unbelievably thankful for being cast as one of the main characters.
Ilse in Spring Awakening, it was. A musical written by Dunkan Sheik and Steven Sater. The musical won 8 Tony's! The musical is based on the original play, in Germany 1890.
I was hoping for the lead Wendla, because this character is very much like me in real life. However, I grew very fond of Ilse... and so much more. In her I found a fighter, an angel and a savior. Her journey became my mission - she had such a powerful reason to be on that stage in the story. And it is by full admiration of this fantastic soul, that this supporting role became one of my dream roles .. which in no time was a dream fulfilled ;)
I would like to share Ilse's journey with you. I wrote it out on paper for myself to read every night before the performance as a reminder of my reason to be onstage.
Some of it is visible if you zoom in. This is so you get an idea. Of course the full picture is sacred in a way. .
I found that if my reason as the character was (literally) deadly important, me as the actress was not of importance... whether I got the steps wrong was not of my concern, because I had a more urgent mission as the character.. hence the nerves weren't extreme - if I even thought about my audience, it was of excitement to share the story... but not in a "Yay, it's so good, I hope you like it" kind of way, but in a "Just you wait, I'll teach you a lesson about this matter, in a way you've never heard it before".
*
Thursday I had school till 3:30. A good day of watching a film on Broadway backstage in showcase practicum and 2 classes of dance with my favorite Sara in ballet and Michelle in jazz. Such amazing and inspiring people.
- Just like the producer, director, choreographer and the rest of the creative team of my musical. I've been so incredibly amazed by how much work and love they all have put into our show, - all of it to help us grow and show the a fantastic side of ourselves.
The most heartfelt reminder of this was when Kristy Cates, our amazing producer, introduced the musical for the last time on closing night and said while instantly tearing up: "There is nothing like watching your students succeed."
Our choreographer (and ballet teacher at school) Chad Austin is one of the most talented and professional people I have ever have the privilege to know on my journey. He made us look professional and blossom onstage.
Closing night we gave out gifts to the teachers. Seeing their faces turn from professional, demanding and a slight mixture of nervous and excited for our production to overwhelmed, humble, and teary-eyed was priceless. We gave them posters of our musical with all of our names signed on them.
In fact .. this was one of the most touching things I've seen my whole life.
Petals fallen from above the stage during the last song of the show
Nathan, our director giving the last notes before curtain call
Opening night went amazing. Before going onstage Kristy and Chad came in and said "Guys, not to set off your nerves, but this is your debut in New York City".
And this was why the whole evening and experience was so magical. There are simply no words for how special this was.
To think that in the midst of my self-critique and stress, somehow.. I was standing right where I had dreamed to be for as long as I can remember.
No.. not in the role of Eponine or Elphaba or Belle or Lorry or Christine on Broadway.. but as Ilse in a Broadway theatre a block away from where Alan Cumming was playing the revival of Cabaret at the exact same time... and only few houses away from Idina Menzel in her new musical If/then and Kelli O'hara in Bridges and Daniel Radcliffe in Criple of Inishman and Ramin Karimloo in the revival of Les Miserables.
Yes, suddenly I was standing here in a dressing room taping a mic to my forehead, doing lip trills and going through lines in my head, while hearing the stage manager call "20 minutes till curtain!".
The stage
The dressing room
And this is when I realized that it wasn't about getting the lead in a $15 million Broadway show. It was about having the opportunity to do what I love on a stage with an audience.
Being literally 1 block away from the nearest Broadway theatre, I knew that this was just as real.
And finally I understood that being a Broadway star was no where near being a star or a goddess .. because we're all just human. Knowing how I felt in here, getting ready for a big show in NYC with Broadway professionals and agents in the audience, surely the 'Broadway stars' must feel just as human as me. And it's quite a humble thing. Giving over your vulnerability onstage is a very nerve wrecking thing, and if anything this makes you feel less of a God. It's whatever the audience and theatre critics value in you that makes you 'a star'.
But thinking this over in the dressing room, it felt more and more ridiculous.. because the more I set my mind on my role in the show, the less I felt like I as the actress should get applause.
You see, because it's not even the slightest about me, Jasmin Maria Gauguin. When I walk onstage my mission is not to shine, sing loudest or dance biggest so that I get noticed. No - my mission is to bring good into the world and save the wounded people on earth.
Through this, hopefully, I will overcome the nightmares in my soul, that my dad (Ilse's) has created, to believe in love again, to rescue my childhood friend from committing suicide, to support my best friend in her pregnancy.
During the play, I realize that not all of these things are possible.. because I'm not God, I'm human.
.. So when I cry in the funeral scene it is not because I am thinking of my grandma who passed away recently, just to put on a show with big tears for the audience.. no it is actually because my body is emotionally vulnerable and heartbroken from realizing that running away from Moritz on the bridge wasn't a disagreement I could patch up the next day - it had lead to him committing suicide. And quite frankly, in that moment, that is a million times more important to me than my grandma's death 7 months ago.
Connor and I; Moritz and Ilse in the Blue Wind scene
I know the story by heart, and Ilse's objectives and obstacles - those are what I am working hard to fulfill as profoundly and openheartedly as I can, nothing else.
That's why I found it quite ironic to think me, Jasmin, would be thought as one of the 'stars' in the show.
At final curtain and applause, I smile because I succeeded in fighting for Ilse. And I hope that's why the audience clapped so wildly - because we told a great story onstage, not because we're beautiful and talented. .. I am aware most parents would probably go for the second one.
- But knowing that I gave life to Ilse onstage is the best feeling in the whole world.
Ilse's boots on her way in the subway
*
After opening night, I was overwhelmed and kind of confused to get so many compliments from fellow students, teachers and a lot of strangers. The majority told me I had a beautiful voice and really shined onstage. That my performance was indescribable, breathtaking and was in character from the minute I got on stage.
Chad, one of my favorite people in this world
The greatly admired Kristy Cates
A well deserved chocolate cake
Me and Connor, my Moritz in the show
My director, Nathan Brewer, said my performance this night was absolutely phenomenal and he proudly introduced me to his husband and friends like I was a gem. Roger Del Pozo, who admitted me into NYFA from my audition in Copenhagen came up to me 5 times during the after party repeating how proud he was to have seen me grow like this and what a mature and captivating actress I proved to be onstage.
This was all very overwhelming and special to hear of course.. but I kept thinking I didn't deserve such "praise". But it wasn't about me, I kept hearing in my head... it was like a minor detail of the bigger picture.
But if I teared up a little it was because I was more than words can say thrilled that Ilse had spoken to them.
I had given life to Ilse and made her soar with wings like the fighter she is written to be on the thin pages of the script.
I had been able to take these pages and breathe life into them.
Ilse had lived!
I remember saying to myself very strictly in the mirror in my room, while feeling very nervous and scared of showing the full colors of this profound role (especially 'Dark I know well'), on some levels just not daring to jump off the cliff, on other levels not feeling worthy and 'talented' enough of telling the story.. I said with abrupt tears running down my cheeks: "If you don't dare to show your work and everything you know about Ilse, she will die, do you understand that? She isn't even present if you do it half-heartedly. Don't let her die!"
*
Friday before the watching the other cast perform I let myself have 2 hours of doing nothing, but going outside and enjoying the weather. It felt like an eternity, and at times I was bored, just from feeling like I didn't have anything to do - and I probably should. .. but I decided that this was very healthy for me!
A beautiful graveyard
Roses from a cast member and Josephine
(who I dedicated my first performance to)
South port
Tullips are all overt the city. Beautiful!
*
Opening night was sweet and magical, I had a good connection, but mostly for the 2nd act, not entirely convincing in the 1st act for my duet, 'Dark I know well'.I was happy with myself, but a bit melancholy as well, knowing I had not fully trusted and dared to look like a total wreck and a massive wound on the balcony, singing about being raped.
I know that rehearsing the song in my room I had collapsed on my carpet in tears from the loss of physical strength and heartbreak of being betrayed from the bottom of my soul.
Going so deep with this part of the character, I knew that I had done the easy way around the subject in that first performance.. and I knew that this was only cheating myself as the actress, because it wasn't a truthful Ilse.
... But - my 2nd show, and my last performance ever of this production, something quite incredible happened. Somehow I managed to go into an extreme emotional prep before the duet, and as I was standing on the balcony, the reality of the character rushed over me. Each moment more horrifying, and I was fully able to let that out physically. I don't need to spell it out, you will be able to see it when it comes out on DVD.
After my song, I ran down the stars of the balcony, feeling how much of a wreck I was inside. About to explode, I hurried down the stairs during the blackout, making sure the audience wouldn't see the actress cry away.
As I got backstage I was leaning on a table, gasping for air, sobbing away. Cast members came by and asked if I was OK, thinking I was probably upset about my performance.. but I instantly asked them to leave me alone - since this had nothing to do with me as the performer (- if so I could have snapped out of it in no time, because these were imaginary circumstances).. however, I chose not to because that would be selfish of me as the actress - Ilse's journey was not over yet. I still had the 2nd act to go and therefore I chose to act from the state I was in. What else?
This meant - hence the reason I probably needed recharge so much this Sunday - that I was gasping for air and sobbing as silently as I could behind the stage.. right until the very moment I was going onstage for the end of act 1, 'I believe',.. and up till then Ilse's goal was to calm herself and try to get herself to stand on her two feet, believing in a better future. This was what I spent those 20 minutes in between to calm the tears, accept the wound that had been made, and find the strength to take the steps up the stairs to the balcony again to sing out loud that 'I believed' for something as beautiful as Melchior and Wendla making true love onstage... that somewhere in the future I could be a part of this kind of love.
In the intermission I didn't talk to anyone, and I didn't go back to the dressing room. That belonged to the actors - I was still in character. I have never felt so close to a character as I did this afternoon. I am telling you it was like a magic bond. Of course I was aware that I was under imaginary circumstances - but I felt them so truthful that my mind was wrapped around Ilse's thoughts .. in between my scenes I was waiting to do my next task onstage.. like delivering Melchior's letter to Wendla. Beforehand I kept thinking, that I couldn't wait to see Wendla. Knowing I hadn't seen her in a long time, because I was living away from my hometown now, I was jumping up and down with excitement, because I realized how much it meant to me, reuniting with my best friend again.
And in the last song, I felt overwhelmed being surrounded by all my friends, knowing I had somehow been able to bring them together again. Even though I couldn't save Moritz and Wendla on earth, I reunited them with their parents in heaven, and this brought tears to my eyes.
I don't think I lasted very long on earth, being a little child living away from home and true love, being brought up with abuse, later to soothe in alcohol and drugs. But my soul was kept alive, because I had a greater purpose, of giving strength to my friends.
After all my overall definition of Ilse's story is this: "This is a story about a girl who couldn't save herself, but she could save the world"
Screensaver kept all through the week
to remind me of my purpose in the story
*
Oh, what a perfect way of celebrating our last performance. A melancholy feeling, knowing it was the last time with this wonderful cast and this wonderful story.. but so satisfying and perfect also - because after all this wasn't about me anyway, it was about Ilse. She succeeded and gave everything she could.
Pink rose from Keziah
- the friend I dedicated my second performance to
A few streets away from my theatre - hello Wicked!
After my performance I went to Lincoln center with Jessica, who had come to support me in the show. We had early dinner together, followed by frozen yogurt. The weather was lovely and there was such a peace by the fountain. It's one of my favorite spots in the city.
Nina's fountain (in Black Swan)
Jessica with me
- Now my task is done.
The full group with both casts
I am happy though, that I will be going into showcase week in 8 days... so missing a theatre community won't be as difficult as it might've been.
It is quite unbelievable to think that I am 2 weeks away from finishing up this 1st year of my musical theatre program.
But now I know that I have grown unbelievably much from when I first got here, and that's comfort enough.
*
For the summer I hope to take the 4 week dance course at my school. This is the one thing I have been very sad about not getting enough time to do. Not feeling like I have grown as much in my classes as I could, because I haven't had time to stretch and workout every day and practise pirouettes. I had clean triples weeks ago, now I am falling behind on doubles... but I know I will soon get back to where I left it off a few weeks ago. With more rest and more space in mind to focus on my dream of becoming a beautiful dancer, I will grow in no time, I'm sure. After all, it is quite comforting too that one of my dance teachers told me I am probably the student who has grown the most in dance. That doesn't mean I'm the best. Yet. ... But I hardly think I could ask for more as an artist.Again and again, I know that I need to relax and sit myself back to embrace the beauty of my journey, my growth and most of all my hard work and devotion.
For me, it is sometimes a piece of cake, really. Any less persistence and eagerness is not something I understand. Apparently, as I have grown to see, I have a rare value. Something to be proud of, I think.
*
In my performance classes at school I too have grown a lot. I think another part of me just got unlocked, something clicked, I found more confidence in my work and it became easier to let go and just 'share'.My three last song performances, 'Dancing all the time' from Big by Maltby & Shire, 'Disneyland' from Smile by Marvin Hamlisch and 'Again' - by Scott Alan, was kind of breakthrough performances. The latter one that brought most of the class including my teacher to tears (something that is not on any level easy to do).
I might be able to upload some parts of it later.
Other than that, spring is really coming out. Cherry blossoms are all over, as well as lipstick red tulips and wedding white flowers that run along countless of the streets on Manhattan like big Boulevards. It is truly beautiful and healing in many ways.
The other day I randomly met the producer of Cinderella on Broadway. .. He was the original producer of A little night music (Sondheim!) and about 40 other Broadway shows. Crazy - I found out he lives in the house next to my residence.
He and his husband were extremely nice. I told them about where I was from, and he shockingly replied that I had no accent whatsoever. (yay will you cast me in an American show then?! :o I silently thought..).. and I told them about my show, Spring awakening. We were certain to meet again soon, seeing we might bump into each other again soon.
Returning to my room that night, I entered my room jaw dropped, checking out my expression in the mirror, feeling this was one of the most insane experiences I'd had here, of course.
After all, the world is quite small. Especially in the theatre world.
I am beyond words excited for what other contacts and experiences the future has in store. I have a feeling it won't be small at all.
X
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