It never stopped.
I had a couple of stops back at the Markle residence today, and all the many times I walked down my street, I saw men from the hotel or the private apartments shovel snow away from the paths.
The church on the corner of 14th street was lid up - and it warmed my heart. Such warm colors in contrast of the clear white snow.
It made me want to go inside. Funny, I've never taken the time to do so.
Most of the time, the building is dark and cold, because of its gray color and the fact that it is so randomly placed at a crossroads.. next to a Chinese massage place and laundry rooms, what not..
But looking at it closely today, I noticed how beautiful - in fact - the church is, in its baroque-like facon... reminding me of Parisian cathedrals, and especially the Hunchback of Notre Dame.;)
..And the church was beautiful because of the way it lid up in the middle of such a - sometimes painfully - busy city.
*
Do you remember when I spoke about studying the people in the kindergarten on my street?I mentioned how easy their lives looked.. And just for a second (which was a feeling I couldn't help having, but certainly one regretted), I wished that my life was as easy as theirs.
That every day wouldn't be such a struggle, that there was no pressure of always giving yourself so completely and exposively and vulnerably, and face things, feelings, mistakes, regrets that you'd rather forget and hide.
- excuse me - I just paused for a second .. to watch my step.
I am writing a handwritten draft on paper as I am walking to school this afternoon.. and I have in no time worked out the fact that if the horrible thing should happen that I die young in NYC, it won't be from being hit by one of the many cars, catching cancer, falling offstage in a pirouette turn... it will be from slipping and falling down the snowy/icy stairs!
It is SO dangerous, I am just sure I will fall down the subway stairs at some point, because it wouldn't make sense - from the probability - that I don't fall at some point.. but this is when prayers break the probability. That's why I won't fall.. That's why people get healed, even though there was medically no chance.. That's why you find your soul mate at some point in life, even though the chance that you meet that one person out of the almost 7 billion in the world is tiiiiny.
Remember your prayers.
Anyways.. back to the kindergarten story.
Well,
now when I looked through the windows, I didn't long for their lives or just being a part of their easy work for one day inside that building.
When the children walked out of the building with their parents, I thought:
I WISH those children grow up and have a desire for my kind of career.
Because it's wonderful.
- That they may grow up with daring and brave souls, setting big goals for themselves, like I have.
*
After this afternoon's Meisner class.Sometimes having your mind fully open to 5.000 more instincts and impulses than you otherwise allow yourself to respond to every day - it messes up your thoughts too.
When I came down to the subway station from school, it was around 8, a little later than usual, because we finished 30 minutes later.
The station was deserted and the tracks were bare and silent.
I felt like mingling myself with that and responding to that atmosphere, instead of standing up straight by the wall, like any other 'proper' and boring person normally do on a subway station.
So I sat on the edge with my Sorel boots dangling in the air over the tracks.
Just to be free.
When I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, I got up - of course.
I felt the rush of the train emerging.
It was like the train's journey up to where I was standing would be the klimax of a movie, and I counted down, all the while imagining what it would be like to jump in front of the train.
I imagined it would be like flying, and I would be pushed forward in the air with the front of the train, like some super hero.
But, I chose the boring.. patiently and politely waiting for the train to stop and open its doors.. and then step into the train and take a random seat.
*
Today I followed my instincts.Today I walked on the middle of the road, when there were no cars and the snow was highest.
Today I did a perfect double turn.
Today I dared just a little more.
I didn't dare to take the night off to go out with my friends, though. . ...
Even though I was judged and no-one understood why I couldn't make one exception in my schedule, seeing we have the day off school tomorrow...
I DARED to choose my private practise above everything else.
NOTHING else matters right now.
There is nothing better than practising ballet, tap, singing, free writing, breathing exercised, diction exercises...becauce every time you see yourself getting better.
Every single time there'll be that one thing - big or small - that you find out how to do better or something you just prove again to yourself you are strong in.
THEN coming to class with all that from your heart, begging to be taught more. - because you are ready to take the next step.
THAT'S joy.
That's the indescribable rush of learning.
So no - sorry, I can't go out and let go and drink with you, - because I will have missed those opportunities and mess up the ones tomorrow from staying up late. And drinking ruins your vocal cords and just your basic health!
I want to NEVER take my learning process for granted this semester.
I have so much to learn.
And the comfort in this, is that; I have the talent to make those baby steps grow really tall.
I will work hard - otherwise what's the point?
I will speak up.
I will sing like no-one is listening, and I will be heard.
I will dance like no-one is watching, I will be seen.
And I will love the learning process, my growth and the things people give me on the way, and I will be loved!
So now I will go tap dance (first practise time ever! excited!!), ballet exercises at the bar, steam my face, write a monologue for Meisner class next Tuesday, run on the treadmill, workout - push ups, sit ups, plank and core exercizes.
.. then by the time I'm done, we'll see if I have time to publish this blog post;)
*
Even though I'm off school tomorrow, I'll take extra ballet classes with Chad's in the afternoon.I can't wait to have a full day tomorrow for practise. I might go swimming again too. :)
Tonight, when I walked into my room and dropped my bag on the floor.. I caught myself in the mirror, and I saw just an inch/a tea spoon more spice/a sparkle .. of that girl I saw in the mirror about a month into my program (the day I noticed myself with more willpower and braveness).. such a grown girl
with more focus
unstoppable glance in the eyes
and
a spine of steel growing longer and longer.
- I remember last time I said this .. many blog posts ago.. and the response from a member in my family commented: "I'm sure that girl has been in there all along.. that's what made you come so far and still go through it so openly."
I am sure she has been here all along;)
But today I actually saw it in the mirror.
And that was the best moment of my day.
What was your moment of the day?
X
No comments:
Post a Comment