A Journey ('to the past') ..ahead

When I came out of the subway this morning, it was pouring cats and dogs over the city. I wish I'd brought my umbrella.. but then again it was refreshing. Rain is a new beginning.
- Just like we spoke about the snow as being cleansing yesterday in church.. rain wipes away the old layer. It's a new beginning - used as a symbol in the film world anyway.. but since I go to a film school, that's what I'll use for this blog post. ;)

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When I got out of the elevator, walking into the floor of my school, there were film lamps as the only thing lighting up the floor. The whole electricity was for some reason off.

Seeing the other floors that people got off on, from standing in the elevator going up to the 4th floor, all other floors were pitch black - but people still had to get off on the floor for work.. for a day in the darkness?

Maybe it means that they can be excused for the day when the sun goes down in a bit... meaning between 4-5. Late in the afternoon, but not for Americans ;) They work work work (like me!) till like 6 or maybe 9 on all weekdays.

- No us 'film dudes' we have the light under control;) White lamps with strong spots, run by battery, shined in either direction of each room.
.. just except for the bathroom..! yes today I went to potty in darkness, for the first time in my light. Gotta try it at some point in your life..!

Therefore, getting off the elevator to my school this morning was a new experience. It was kind of mysterious and secret and intimidating and all at the same time.
And this made me think that coming back from a long holiday (!? .. or not long enough!?), it sure is like a new beginning.
But ALSO that even though I don't see my school in a new way every single day, like I did today... but I should.

Every day is new, with new opportunities. So why not focus on these new things that we can grab on to every single day, and not the things that look the same - just because it's the same place.

.. Funny I was about to delete this whole paragraph about taking each day as a new beginning.. just because I felt it was my writer's skills rambling away. It just sounded good. You know what I mean?
I wanted to delete it, because I think it isn't completely truthful to what I feel right now.
I mean, I agree.

I am just saying.. it's not like I'm a whole new person from today. IT takes WORK to live every day as a new beginning.

But I do believe - from copying this through my fingers.. and in any other way, while I was thinking it.. I must have felt it somewhere in my subconsciousness, I must have meant it;)

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We had our final exams today in Performance lab. I sang In my life from Les Miserables and Journey to the past from Anastasia.

First one went great, I was really engaged, even though I didn't find my ligid placement perfectly (Cosette is the one character in Les Mis who has more classical sound to her singing).

The first 2 verses of Journey to the past went really well, then something unfortunate happened.. like I inhaled down the wrong pipe.. I swallowed a dust ball... I was short of water.. something.. and I felt this extreme scratchiness in my throat - like you sometimes do when you get a cough attack. But since this was like an audition, I kept on singing, trying not to pay attention to it.. but I was on the edge to cracking the whole time, and I had to attend the notes really easily not to.. which was 'uninteresting' for the last bit of Journey to the past. I fell out of it totally, emotionally, and I was almost about to stop the song, saying - Sorry, there is something wrong with my voice, I'd better stop not to damage it.. but then I reached the end, and then it was over.

..Which was such a shame, because I love the journey of this song. I love how perfectly this song fits to me right now. Our assignment for this final exam was to choose two contrasting songs that showed us off best and showed what we have learnt all through the semester.

Anyways, had this been 2 years ago i would have cried from being so disappointed in myself - from not being able to show my best off. But that's the one point I've worked most with in my art, ever since I started in this career - not to judge myself so hard .. in fact NEVER to judge myself

Because

You are your own best friend. That's just how it is. If there is one person on earth you can rely on, it is yourself;) Other people can always judge you.. and in this world you will have more of them than compliments.. so why not ALWAYS compliment yourself, cheer yourself, give yourself a pat on the shoulder, and love yourself?;)

That's the only way to survive in the artistic world anyways, being egoistic - in the good way.
Being egoistic with love and positiveness to shine yourself out so that people love you for being that confident person.. not a negative egoistic that makes herself big to destroy other people, letting no one else have a word.

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Back to the finals.

I chose In my life, because I have really explored in characters like Cosette - unlike Eponine types, and I think I have come very far with them (even though I still think I'm more of an Eponine). I also wanted to show off my classical sound in In my life, because that is something I have developed a lot.

I chose Journey to the past because what the story of the song is exactly what I've learnt all through this semester. What the lyrics say come straight from my heart, so I felt it was important for me to sing this.

Random interruption: Terra Warman, my class mate, is looking over my shoulder and she says hi ;)

But funny fact - when they gave me the notes, they said they hadn't noticed something was wrong - they saw me engage less in that song, but couldn't hear any faults in my voice.. until I started coughing after the song.. that says a lot about how much stronger we always feel things inside. Usually people don't see our faults, it is just our own judgement that makes is worse!
But then I sang through Journey to the past later on again, because they wanted to go through our showcase songs.

Even funnier fact - when I sang through it again it went really well.
I really improved and took their notes really well. They were very pleased and it made me happy. It also made me happy being able to make good out of what was a less good experience with it, in front of an audience.. before having to perform it at the showcase, next week Friday.
I wish you could be here!
.. But I should get some support :) People from the NY temple will join, maybe some family from Washington and maybe some of the Wittenbergs. It will be good.
But I am verrryy nervous.

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I also have a performance of Shakespeare this Friday at 7:30. I will be playing Viola from Twelfth night acting a monologue and singing On my own.

I went through it today in class, and it went extremely well. Basically today I really connected in all of my classes. It's the greatest feeling for an artist. ;)

In meisner class we had to do an exercise called 'Coming home to be home'. This ws a simple - but very deep and beautiful exercise where we had to enter the room with a certain feeling, and just dealing with it in the room. We didn't have to start an exercize or do ANYTHING. Just BE and live with this emotion that we'd prepped outside.

We should choose a direction - something that made us happy, sad, mad, scared, lustful.
I chose a happy thought. And from taking something that could happen in our real circumstances, we then had to put extra layers on top of that and make a fantasy out of the first simple thing.

When I entered the room my eyes were shining like diamonds and I couldn't help smiling.
My teacher let me sit for that for a couple of minutes, before he sent my partner up to me. She said "You look so happy". repetition - etc.....
"I am so relieved"... (...)... "I can't believe it.".. etc.

When my teacher stopped us he said:
1.) Imagine that this was a a scene where a young woman has just got a big promotion in Wallmart. Now she can feed her two kids, who have no dad, every day till they are full and happy. She can move into a less crappy apartment, that isn't in a dodgy area of town, where she feels safe.
- Would you believe it?
YES! - my class mates said.

2.) Imagine that this is a girl who has dedicated her whole life to playing music. She plays the cello and one day she has been given the opportunity to play for the best cellist in the world.. and he says that she must never stop playing, because she has real talent, and if she needs the support, he is willing to help her get into the best classical music school.
- Would you believe it?
YES! - my class mates said.

3.) Imagine that this is a woman who has just walked into a bar, and a multimillionaire chats her up during the evening, and they both fall in love with each other in no time. By the end of the evening he proposes to her, and she says yes.
- Would you believe her?
YES! - my class mates said.

The point my teacher was making, obviously, is that emotions are found in every single story. Nobody in the audience could care less about what's going on in your head, while you're playing, if what you are truthful in the circumstances.
If you can't relate to a woman who works at Walmart (which is why I found it funny when he said it, because I really can't..) - if you can't relate to that, you sure can relate to feeling the happiest you've ever been.

That's why when we prepare for our scene, what we think 'our character is thinking' doesn't help. What helps is finding the way to relate to the story - exploring how we are touched by it. ALWAYS getting closer to your character and not distancing yourself from it.

Now, I gotta go study for my final exam tomorrow in history of musical theatre. It is very time consuming, because there are hundreds of terms we need to know.. and I have never been good with exact names and dates of events in my head.. on the other hand, when I study for it really well - it sticks in my brain like super glue, and I do really well on the exam ;) (then 5 days later it's gone...!)

Think of me.
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