9 roles in a day

At last, I let out the stress and pressure.
What I had expected to be doing on the first day of my Christmas break.. but which I never found an appropriate time and bed for.. to collapse on and just sigh like it's no-one's business!

After my final exam, I at last felt that hugggge exorstion that every other normal human being would feel after working hard a full semester, without a break.

I performed parts of 7 songs in 10 minutes. 7 completely different characters, circumstances, time periods..

I lost my words for one song.. just because.. it happens. But I got to redo it again, and I did it perfectly the second time.
We were given up to 5 points for each of the songs - about the musical understanding of the song, different layers of preperation for the character and the singing style according to the time period.
Kristy Cates gave me 5 out of 5 for every song, except the pop opera song, because I need more of a cry-sound in my singing style.
So 34/35.. A or A+, she didn't tell me in the room.. but she told me that I she was really pleased with my work this semester and thanked me for that.
Which was really

After this, I was obviously very tired. Exhausted.
And after THIS is when I just let myself go home and let out ALL the stress and pressure from this semester.

*

You know what really just brings me in a bad mood? - Rats that run across the street, right by my feet.

After today, I am just beyond exhausted.. I have been in and out of 9 different roles today, performing for an audience or a final grade.

Walking through the streets at night.
I just came out of a Shakespeare performance class, where I sang On my own.
- And now it's pitch black, and raining, and I am walking all alone.. and today I do kinda feel like I don't have a friend or face to say hello to.

I need to talk to a friend.
But it's just one of those days when you don't know who to turn to.
. . you get what I'm saying?
- Even though you know there are friends you can turn to.. you sometimes think - no I don't feel like sharing this with her, because she would probably make me feel bad, the other she would judge me, the other she would be too sweet and not know how to support, the other she wouldn't understand what I am going through?
Right. You've felt like that at some point, haven't you?..

...................................
...................................................
............................................................... I am just really exhausted
and 
with that comes
sadness
..................................there's a never-ending pressure
And I'm just trying to figure out how to make it through the next semester
. which will be twice as hard.
Maybe not getting through it... because I will be stronger.
BUT
I will always meet higher standards... by teachers
and 
myself.

I am sad because I feel like I always know I can do better.
But I just can't. Because there is work to do for every class, I can't just focus on one.
And when I see people growing in front of me.. I get scared that my best as of now isn't good enough

...
When I think this through, I just need a hand to hold. But someone who will not think it's weird that all this pressure makes me cry for a full day. and someone who doesn't make me feel humiliated or filled with self-pity.
Someone who doesn't ask too much, but just hugs me and says "I understand. Just cry it out.".

.. Then I think.. I could talk to God!..

But what I hate is that sometimes I feel to worn out and little and displeasing to communicate with him.
I feel like I need to clean up myself, before giving him the joyful treasure of letting him in.
*
I just thought I had a whole week off between 1st and 2nd semester. Turns out.. I have two days.
- To gather energy and reload everything in my system
- to buy tap shoes and find new books perhaps
- to get to know my schedule and plan my weeks ahead
- to stretch and be fully prepared for now around 5 or 6 lessons of dancing each week
- to collect my repertoire folder for new performance classes.

- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!*
- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!* number 2
- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!* number 3
- just to recharge and give myself time to relax.

Yes - I just had a 2 week break.
But then came all my finals and showcase ;)

*

Sometimes pain on the inside is easier felt, when there is pain on the outside. ..I mean obviously when the inside is very painful, it is felt on the outside too.
But just after watching a Shakespeare movie and finishing that assignment, I was boiling water on my little kettle in the tiny room. I was so tired, almost half asleep - yet while it was boiling I did some ballet exercises for the day. And just being so flustered - because I was tired, I put my hand right above the kettle to open the lid, and didn't think about how burning hot the steam is just when the water had boiled.
So - I got a burn that left a huge scar on my wrist, only a couple of seconds after.
And then I started to cry again. Just because I felt the pain - all the pressure that had filled my chest that day exploded like a bomb for the third time.

The second time being when my neighbor knocked on my door unexpectedly and asked me how my day was, and I just burst into tears..

I need rest.
Please don't all call tomorrow and wake me at 7 am. If you wanna hear my voice, remember the time difference.. and this is my first more than 5 hour sleep in a long time!
But I love you.