A slow weekend with nothing to do. Hallelujah!

Friday:
Oh my God! I HATE being late. I had a good morning today, but I didn't have time to stretch and warm up. I planned to do that in a break today in school (my day is from 9-7).

I got out the door 8:35, but getting on the second train took me 10 more minutes to wait for.. and so I was still on the train when I had to be in class..

It's really annoying, and I will begin to get out the door 30 min before, I plan to. It's just not OK to come unprepared for this career. - Not on time is unprepared, because then you don't get those minutes before to breathe and focus on what you need, in order to have a good and focused performance in class.

This morning I have Meisner - with my new class... which I LOVE btw. Everyone is so talented and unique in their own way, so watching people perform is very interesting. For today we had to prepare another extreme fantasy to 'come home with' (an exercise I explained in a post about a week ago..).

For Meisner class we were reminded that we should aim for hitting home runs every single class. - Meaning put forth your best, give 10 out of 10 every time, always risk and be brave. Perform like it's the audition for life.

After that I have performance lab - for this I'll be singing one of the songs I performed for my final exam in song interpretation.
It is by one of the greatest contemporary musical theatre composers, Jason Robert Brown is his name.
This song I'm performing - 'Christmas lullaby' is from the musical 'Songs from a new world'.

I have sung one of the numbers before, for my showcase at the musical theatre course I had at Guildford school of acting (summer 2012). Our opening number with the ensemble was the song 'The new world'.

*

How weird is this?!

This was 5 months ago. I don't have much to point out ! Just that I personally think it is very weird to look at this picture now..for the first time in 5 months.Saturday:Today was quite calm. I did almost nothing! I am officially announcing that I was bored for the first time today ever since I got here!! And I think that is really healthy for me in this state of mind.I went ice skating with Josephine today and that's about all the plans I had! I have not had that opportunity before.I have talked with my parents, my grandparents, my friend Nekisa, looked up possible songs to sing for this semester, danced ballet and worked out, finished a letter to my sister (which I've been wanting to do all week), memorized another page of my personal monologue off by heart and had dinner in my room.I gave myself the treat of a cold Starbucks coffee from the machine down stairs in the lobby too.. yep first I've done that too. ;)It's good to have treats like that. That's why they're called treats, and not: let's-stuff-our-body's-with-sugar-and-fatty-food-every-day-because-they-just-make-us-feel-good. No what's a real treat for me, is one that I can enjoy because my tummy isn't resenting it because it's repeated.It's honestly such a weird night! I feel like I just need to kill the hours before I go to sleep. I wanted to go out and DO something. But there was not really anything or anyone to catch up with tonight. Isn't that funny though?.. I need to DO something. I'm a funny create, I think. What I need is rest.So now what I will do is probably get under my covers and read, maybe sew some more of my cross stitch project or do another lesson of soldiership... none!I ended up working on an assignment for performance lab, listing:- 5 things that I would die for- 5 things that I would kill for- 5 times when I was in love- 5 times when I wanted to end my daysVery intense... and it takes tons of more time than I thought. Because I am not used to thinking about what I would die for, and if there's something I would really die for. But it makes sense that it must be there in my soul somewhere..And not until I've found out which specific things they are, I can truly know what I'm singing about when I am - 'a mother protecting her child' in Miss Saigon, 'a young woman giving her life away to protect her father' in Beauty and the Beast, 'a young woman being tempted by another man because of his musical talent, even though she has promised herself away to her childhood sweet heart' in Phantom of the Opera, 'a young girl who's afraid to admit her love to the man, because he is from another tribe than hers' in Oklahoma.. and so forth.I still don't know what to put on the to die for and kill for list.. to be continued. I need rest now, it is midnight!Btw CATARINA - thank you for the coloring pictures. I finally had time to color Belle tonight. ;) Look what's hanging on my front door, telling me "Welcome home", every time I come back from school:

Sunday:

I had a peaceful morning being extremely lazy! A long morning in bed, and breakfast to cartoons in my room :) I have not had a morning like that since I got here, I must say. Getting up without making myself warm up or stretch before leaving the house.

I had church at 11 am. It was a good morning. We went through the 3rd doctrine of the Salvation Army, and spoke about it afterwards in a discussion group.. with pizza :). Also first time in a long time I gave myself permission to eat pizza. Lots of exceptions today that made me relax more :)

After church I dance in the chapel for 2 hours. Just ballet exercises at the bar and pirouettes. Those pirouettes really are coming along! I am very happy with my growth. I just need to do the bar exercises every single day.. and with as much focus and hard work.. if not I fall out of it, I have realized. The thing about learning something is that if you focus on always getting it right every time, even though you may need a slower approach or it may take you longer or more effort some days.. you will ALWAYS get it right. Meaning, if I go through ballet exercises at the bar, not turning out enough on my leg, or not straightening my supporting leg, or not pulling up my stomach as much as it takes.. my technique will get mushy. My brain remembers every single thing I teach my body - so if I lack on focus one day, my body will remember that way I went through the exercises.. and it'll take me even more effort to bring it back to the right ways of doing it, next time I go through it.
Does that make sense?

After dancing I walked outside on the street and noticed how beautiful the weather was. I couldn't stand to go indoors and stay in my room for the rest of the day.. so I decided that I would just throw my bag in my room, make tea in my new Ariel thermocup (one that the Wittenbergs got me form downtown Disney in Florida!) and then go for a walk on the high line. I hadn't actually been more than once.. and seeing how beautifully the sun was beginning to set over the city, I felt now was a perfect time to revisit.

*

I couldn't see the sunset from the high line though :/ Buildings were still in the way.. apparently the high line isn't high enough ;) Next time I shall go to my roof top! I will do this Wednesday - this is the next day I am home before the sun sets.

However, the walk was very refreshing and quiet. Well, not entirely quiet.. I had the soundtrack of Oklahoma the musical playing in my ears... and it was perfect to hear that, whilst dreaming of seeing me as the lead character one day.. and then to walk in NYC was quite the astonishing experience for this afternoon.

I always underestimate the distances in NYC.. like ALWAYS. I just don't think it's possible to understand how far there is between places for anyone who lives here. It's still so massive. 
The high line ends at 30th street, and I had walked it from like 5th...
Heading back I had to pee so badly!.. but I just thought, I will walk it back.. but it was sooo far.
I went underground to take the subway, but there was 15 till the next one, so I thought it would be quicker to walk. But no.
I made it though!

*

Walking back I realized, once more, how many different people there are on this island. Truly! I came by some dodgy-looking apartments that could for the setting of the musical Rent...
It also made me think that I have been amazingly blessed. My room is cozy, I have neighbors, I have food provided, I have a subway station right around the corner, I have a big part of my entire clothes section in my room, I have internet connection and cozy tea.

I am looking forward to the next visit. I need to share this with someone again!
I want to go explore more of NY this semester. My schedule is easier and I have a tiny bit more free time. The weekends are easier to recharge in, because most of the work is for performance classes on Fridays.

This is my new schedule:

Monday (9-7): Improvisation, The business of acting, Ballroom
Tuesday (9-7): Ballet, Jazz, Tap, Meisner
Wednes. (9-12): Musical theatre scene study
Thurs. (9-3:30): Showcase practicum, Ballet, Jazz
Friday (9-7): Meisner, Performance lab, Pop/Rock
Sat. (11-11:30): Private voice lesson

Lots of new classes.. lots of old ones gone. I am excited about having dance almost every day. I will be taking an extra ballet class on Wednesdays at 3 or 4:30, after getting the hmw done after 12 :) Wednesday will be my day of recharge and getting control on the things that I don't have time to handle during the week. This was what my weekend was before... always so many things to take care of. So now I am REALLY excited about just spending the weekend to recharge, sleep, and do private rehearsals in my own tempo :)

I am getting kind of sleepy.. :p I want to get some Meisner done tonight, and do another lesson for my soldier enrollment. My neighbor Jessica has been away all weekend... which is strange, because she always knocks loudly on my door and greets, or comes over with things for me, or asks if I want to join her for a cup of tea. It has been a very quiet weekend. So I too look forward to when she comes home in about 3 hours time (10 pm) to join me for a cup of tea in my room :)

All my love to every one. Dress warm.. that just kind of came randomly out of me like a quick response, because that's what you say to everyone around you here ! It is still very .. brrrrrrrr.... and just today it hit around -20 degrees celsius.. Very cold. Americans have even said that this is cold for NY! ;) I don't know why I should be meet with this the first year being here... but it sure makes me look forward to spring!
I plan to rent a bike for a couple of hours, when the time with slippery streets and piles of snow on the road is gone.

What are you all up to ??
X

Ballet & Green juice & Swimming & Pride

Yesterday, Wednesday, I had a day off! There was a snow storm in NY area, so my teacher who lives in the outskirts of the city knew he wouldn't have a chance to get into center the following morning.

Most of my class mates took this as a day of fun or just relaxing.. I took this as a day for practising all day long!

I allowed myself to sleep in though, but that was all... I practised ballet and tap and went to an extra ballet class.

After ballet class, I went straight to swimming at a recreation center.
I was riding the A train in the underground... I always take the 1,2 or 3 train. Oh my gosh - a difference in the people.. just looks and manners and hobbies .. and backgrounds.
It made me think that I haven't seen enough of Manhattan, and all the different people .. at all!
And I NEED to go to Harlem soon! .. AND see more of Brooklyn... in good shoes!

*

How is a church closed due to weather?.. I don't get it. I am walking 54th street upper East side, and it is quite the walk.. just seeing the city - its lights and its people.
Seeing men discuss business and football through the window in bars.. 
Shops that still have Christmas lights up, because we still have snow :)
.. oops .. and there I almost got hit by a car crossing a parking lot, without looking... but seriously they are hidden everywhere, like mysterious garages. I will take care and look out though!

*

Swimming was very refreshing. I am getting into a good routine. I plan to swim once a week. And after swimming I have gotten into the good habit of treating myself to a green juice. The delicious NY kinds.
Today I got one with kale, green apple, spinach, cucumber and ginger.
It kicks in, in my body immediately and keeps my energy and immune system o the go for hours.
It's a very good buy!

*

At the subway station on my way back, a guy was playing Ave Maria on his cello.
I absolutely LOVE that piece of music.

When I get home I need to write a 2-page personal monologue... I still need to figure out what I should write about.
It has to be something that is difficult for us to talk about. I have a few ideas.. but not sure how to put it yet.
We have to be brave for this assignment though, our teacher told us.. always aim for 10 out of 10 in class, our teacher said.

- This will be my goal for every class from now on. Why wouldn't you?

My ballet class today was fantastic. I have really improved in these few past weeks.. rehearsing by myself every day.. my teacher said I did a really good job!
I can't wait for ballet class tomorrow!

*

My ballet class today went really well too. Got a lot of "Good Jasmina's!" (that's what my ballet teacher calls me.. I think it's really cute:). I had so much fun and my double pirouettes are coming along awesome. I am really proud.

I talked to my ballet teacher about how I struggle in classes to get the steps as fast as every one else. I don't feel like I know how to inhabit them in my body. But he said that I have a good body and beautiful lines - so it's not like I am incapable of doing the steps. We talked about how this struggle seems to be something in my body, a block that is stopping me from being able to think clear. I know that's what it is.. because whenever I have gotten rid of fear and judgment of self, I feel like I am actually a dancer who looks beautiful.

And now with all this new excitement and renewed hope and understanding of my learning progress.. instead of stressing about everything not being perfect and steps not getting there the first couple of times.. I have been looking forward to every single class, wanting to give it my all, and learn - not with a fear of doing it wrong, but with a joy of seeing myself grow.

This is what I had today. For a second I lost it, and went completely blank at the bar, messing it up completely - and looking like a true 'non-dancer'.. my teacher went by and said "see - I think I was right".

Then I took a second and defeated the stupid fear. About a minute after I fell in to the rhythm and elegance beautifully again.

I am very proud.

You all should be. This is huge progress for me.

*

Right now, 'My everything' by Christian singer Kari Jobe is playing on my pandora radio. This is my new favorite song. Or it actually has been for a while.. I will be performing a duet with a guy at my corps, and this is what I wish to sing. It is incredibly beautiful. You should take a look;)

Speaking of worship - I will now stop to dig into my book with lessons of the Salvation Army for soldiership.

After this probably some more ballet. <3 And then the second page memorized for Meisner.. out of the 5! (A4)

Speaking of green..!

Blessings to all,

X

The incredible rush of learning

Today we had a winter wonderland in NYC. The snow flakes were massive, but just gently drifting down from the sky.
It never stopped.

I had a couple of stops back at the Markle residence today, and all the many times I walked down my street, I saw men from the hotel or the private apartments shovel snow away from the paths.

The church on the corner of 14th street was lid up - and it warmed my heart. Such warm colors in contrast of the clear white snow.
It made me want to go inside. Funny, I've never taken the time to do so.
Most of the time, the building is dark and cold, because of its gray color and the fact that it is so randomly placed at a crossroads.. next to a Chinese massage place and laundry rooms, what not..
But looking at it closely today, I noticed how beautiful - in fact - the church is, in its baroque-like facon... reminding me of Parisian cathedrals, and especially the Hunchback of Notre Dame.;)
..And the church was beautiful because of the way it lid up in the middle of such a - sometimes painfully - busy city.

*

Do you remember when I spoke about studying the people in the kindergarten on my street?
I mentioned how easy their lives looked.. And just for a second (which was a feeling I couldn't help having, but certainly one regretted), I wished that my life was as easy as theirs.
That every day wouldn't be such a struggle, that there was no pressure of always giving yourself so completely and exposively and vulnerably, and face things, feelings, mistakes, regrets that you'd rather forget and hide.

- excuse me - I just paused for a second .. to watch my step.
I am writing a handwritten draft on paper as I am walking to school this afternoon.. and I have in no time worked out the fact that if the horrible thing should happen that I die young in NYC, it won't be from being hit by one of the many cars, catching cancer, falling offstage in a pirouette turn... it will be from slipping and falling down the snowy/icy stairs!
It is SO dangerous, I am just sure I will fall down the subway stairs at some point, because it wouldn't make sense - from the probability - that I don't fall at some point.. but this is when prayers break the probability. That's why I won't fall.. That's why people get healed, even though there was medically no chance.. That's why you find your soul mate at some point in life, even though the chance that you meet that one person out of the almost 7 billion in the world is tiiiiny.
Remember your prayers.

Anyways.. back to the kindergarten story.
Well,
now when I looked through the windows, I didn't long for their lives or just being a part of their easy work for one day inside that building.
When the children walked out of the building with their parents, I thought:
I WISH those children grow up and have a desire for my kind of career.
Because it's wonderful.
- That they may grow up with daring and brave souls, setting big goals for themselves, like I have.

*

After this afternoon's Meisner class.

Sometimes having your mind fully open to 5.000 more instincts and impulses than you otherwise allow yourself to respond to every day - it messes up your thoughts too.

When I came down to the subway station from school, it was around 8, a little later than usual, because we finished 30 minutes later.

The station was deserted and the tracks were bare and silent.
I felt like mingling myself with that and responding to that atmosphere, instead of standing up straight by the wall, like any other 'proper' and boring person normally do on a subway station.

So I sat on the edge with my Sorel boots dangling in the air over the tracks.
Just to be free.

When I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, I got up - of course.
I felt the rush of the train emerging.
It was like the train's journey up to where I was standing would be the klimax of a movie, and I counted down, all the while imagining what it would be like to jump in front of the train.

I imagined it would be like flying, and I would be pushed forward in the air with the front of the train, like some super hero.
But, I chose the boring.. patiently and politely waiting for the train to stop and open its doors.. and then step into the train and take a random seat.

*

Today I followed my instincts.
Today I walked on the middle of the road, when there were no cars and the snow was highest.
Today I did a perfect double turn.
Today I dared just a little more.

I didn't dare to take the night off to go out with my friends, though. . ...
Even though I was judged and no-one understood why I couldn't make one exception in my schedule, seeing we have the day off school tomorrow...

I DARED to choose my private practise above everything else.
NOTHING else matters right now.

There is nothing better than practising ballet, tap, singing, free writing, breathing exercised, diction exercises...becauce every time you see yourself getting better.
Every single time there'll be that one thing - big or small - that you find out how to do better or something you just prove again to yourself you are strong in.

THEN coming to class with all that from your heart, begging to be taught more. - because you are ready to take the next step.
THAT'S joy.

That's the indescribable rush of learning.

So no - sorry, I can't go out and let go and drink with you, - because I will have missed those opportunities and mess up the ones tomorrow from staying up late. And drinking ruins your vocal cords and just your basic health!

I want to NEVER take my learning process for granted this semester.
I have so much to learn.
And the comfort in this, is that; I have the talent to make those baby steps grow really tall.

I will work hard - otherwise what's the point?
I will speak up.
I will sing like no-one is listening, and I will be heard.
I will dance like no-one is watching, I will be seen.
And I will love the learning process, my growth and the things people give me on the way, and I will be loved!

So now I will go tap dance (first practise time ever! excited!!), ballet exercises at the bar, steam my face, write a monologue for Meisner class next Tuesday, run on the treadmill, workout - push ups, sit ups, plank and core exercizes.

.. then by the time I'm done, we'll see if I have time to publish this blog post;)

*

Even though I'm off school tomorrow, I'll take extra ballet classes with Chad's in the afternoon.
I can't wait to have a full day tomorrow for practise. I might go swimming again too. :)

Tonight, when I walked into my room and dropped my bag on the floor.. I caught myself in the mirror, and I saw just an inch/a tea spoon more spice/a sparkle .. of that girl I saw in the mirror about a month into my program (the day I noticed myself with more willpower and braveness).. such a grown girl
with more focus
unstoppable glance in the eyes
and
a spine of steel growing longer and longer.

- I remember last time I said this .. many blog posts ago.. and the response from a member in my family commented: "I'm sure that girl has been in there all along.. that's what made you come so far and still go through it so openly."

I am sure she has been here all along;)
But today I actually saw it in the mirror.
And that was the best moment of my day.

What was your moment of the day?
X

The last seconds before my 2nd semester

Sunday night:

Spring has started .. or so I thought. Well, I always know it starts on my birthday, the 22nd of march - with all the sunshine I have worked  on getting all year round;)

Going to bed, exhausted in body and needing rest for my mind - from plotting in appointments for the next couple of months and preparing for the next semester, I am finally allowing myself to swift into bed and with a delicious hot cup of tea.
I found some tea in the laundry room, where there has been put up a table with leftover stuff from residents leaving the markle. In this case clothes, tea, shoes, movies etc were left behind, for all that space they didn't have more of in their suitcases returning home.
The tea was a delicious yogi tea (the special herbal/medicine tea that calms you with all sorts of different strenghts.. some hlep you to fall asleep, some calm your muscles etc)
This one was a tahitian tea that soothes your body.
And I just LOVE how my tea spoke to me: on top of the tea bag it said "A relaxed mind is a creative mind".. my thoughts exactly.

I have had such a relaxing and lovely weekend, seeing family from Denmark and Wittenbergs.. watching Friends, taking walks, being back home at the salvation army in Hempstead citadel, working out and dancing with my new ballet shoes, eating and sitting by the cozy fire, getting my ipod to work - meaning I sing all around the city now, performing my showcase, having time with class mates afterwards, going to yoga class, going swimming at the gym, going ice skating, finishing my grandma's cross stitch project.
Somehow, all through these numerous appointments and things I have done, I have managed to vary it with things that I love to do, and things that relax me. Dancing was a relief and beautiful part of my days, not a burden I had to do to be better at the subject I'm weakest in anymore..

It is the beest feeling ever to have a day off tomorrow. I feel like I've managed so much already.. and getting an extra day just to put my feet back on the ground is just what I need.
Back to school with a brand new class and brand new subject, brand new books, brand new expectations and hopes and dreams and goals. Well maybe not goals.. I am still living this one big goal, for sure .. maybe just slightly realizing the truth and awesomeness in it now;) But new devotion and encouragement for sure!

Can't wait to see how this next chapter of my blog will turn out! (or more likely the 70th chapter of the book.. if I ever get to publish it. It will be humongous!)

Monday:

I woke up around 8 and read the daily scriptures. I could have slept for longer, but I had things ahead of me I needed and wanted to do.. so I will make sure to get that extra sleep tonight :)

I think I will sleep really well.. after a quick breakfast this morning I went swimming for the first time in New York. I love swimming, so it's silly I haven't done it before.. makes sense I haven't found the time till now though!
I swam 50 laps non-stop in 25 minutes. I surprised myself. I could really feel how my body condition had gotten much better since the last time I swam in a pool.. I would get tired and need to stop after maybe 10 laps. The pool was tiny.. only 70 feet long.. but still. I felt good about that.

Walking home from 23 East side, where the recreation center was, I was reminded that NY is indeed a very cool city to live in! I am lucky. Nothing much, just walking on the street and taking in the small things around me.

Also on my way I found a food store, which was reeally cheap. Instead of paying around 40 dollars for bread,hummus,milk,fruits,cheese,soups,crackers, beans etc. that I need for a school week.. I paid 25. And I felt like I got a lot more than I usually do. That was kind of a triumph!

Feeling very hungry and basically just like my body needed to be filled with energy after using it all for my swimming, I looked for a place that had refreshing smoothies. I bumped into something more awesome.. there was this special green store, only selling green drinks. There were smoothies and juices with lemon,ginger,carrots,cucumber,watermelon and tons of other green things I don't remember.
I got a mixture of a few different ones mentioned above. It was soo good!
More expensive than a starbucks.. :/ BUT 10 times more healthy.. or wait .. 50 times more healthy. And that tiny drink was like a lunch for me. I am not hungry.. and I'm happy I'm not because otherwise I would probably have a dish with sugary sauce from the Markle. I should kindly talk to the chefs and ask if they could make an option without the half bucket of sugar it seems they pour in the sauce.

Now, time for devotion. Jessica gave me a prayer journal. Actually something I hadn't heard about until Susan told me about her journal through her fasting period. Now - like a sign from heaven a dear friend has gifted me with one.. and I think I should get started on it!
We have found the date for my soldier enrollment in the Salvation Army - the 30th of March. Before that I will have 2 weekends with the Wittenberg couple to go through the lessons I've been taken through a book by myself.
All through this period before the enrollment, I think it would be a good idea to keep the daily journal. I believe this time before is when I will discover many things, and also have many questions.

Before long.

Im tellin' ya I got MUSCLES!

My life working out the last few days:

Saturday morning I stretched for about an hour... then I had some errands in town then I had dinner with Josephine and my cousin Cecilie from Denmark the same evening at the Wittenbergs. After dinner I worked out, stretched and did ballet exercises for an hour.
When I woke that morning... for some reason before 7.. I worked out for about half an hour before breakfast.. then we had church all morning, and after church I danced ballet for 2 hours straight - just practicing bar exercises, chaneturns and pirouettes. Home from the Wittenbergs now, Sunday night.. first thing I did was to run on the treadmill for 15 min non stop.

Now that I think about it.. it has been kind of extreme, and my body is tired.. but in a fantastic and healthy way. I want to be ready for dance this Tuesday. We begin the semester with a ballet class, a jazz class and a tap class right after one another!
I got the prettiest tap shoes.. and I've already tried them out at my private studio at Hempstead corps ;) .. It was fun.. didn't get far, because I had no idea how to start a sequence with a flow of rhytm... but they felt good, and I can't wait to start. It is the coolest thing to be good at! After ballet... ;) Respect for proper ballet girls, it is unbelievably hard and take a heck of muscles!!..

I just got myself some new ballet shoes, and now all I've wanted these past couple of days has been to wear them and be better at the ballet bar.

I had a talk with my ballet teacher who told me that I really look like a beautiful and good dancer because of my body and beautiful lines in dancing.. but then sometimes I just mess up the most minor detail you could pick on, and he thinks I still have a lot to learn!.. Which I DO - heaven knows. But I can't wait to be much better this semester, because I am ready to fight to learn it beautifully.. not just fight it;) .. which I have done for numerous classes this first semester.

My body is like.. straight muscle. Well, not completely.. but I'm getting there. Funny I weighed myself two days in a row, and there was a difference of 4 pounds one day to the other.. of lost weight... which could be about the food I have had too.. but I weighed myself by the end of the day both days.
I feel like an athlete, which is finally settling.. because that's literally what you need to be to be a well prepared, ready, energetic, welcoming, joyful and fast-learning and talented musical theatre student ;)

When my cousin saw me onstage of the showcase performance, she noticed my muscles.. but also how much weight I'd lost being so focused on dietary and working out, so when I got offstage she told me..: "Jasmin, you are very talented... but please eat a cupcake!".

And with that anecdote I will end this short blog post to focus on my singing for a bit now ;)
I need to work on my new repertoire folder for the 2nd semester - got a brand new list of songs, I just got form the library.

New songs coming up are:
'I have confidence' - The Sound of Music
'Try it on my own' - Whitney Houston
'All for Laura' - The woman in white
'Is it really me' - 110 in the shade

......you can look them up.. or wait till I write about learning and performing them in class. Very much excitement from this side :)

Much love. :*

'Showcase day' (End of first semester)

Showcase!!
My first performance in New York City! . Pretty extraordinary to think about ;)

when i walked out of the subway at Columbus circle I wqs met by spring in the air and it made me dance the streets of NY with joy.. at least with my soul.. sometimes you have ot go with the Manhattan tempo in walking ;)

I had a solo, 'Journey to the past' (from Anastasia). "Of course you're singing that!", my friend from another class in the musical theatre program said :p.. I think I am slowly being known overall in the program as the ultimate Disney girl.
I love that! Oh, I can do so much more though - which I can't wait to develop more in my second semester.

But about today's performance -
I am SO proud of everyone's performance, and today was such a joyful day with so much energy, excitement, love and passion.

Proud because everyone did their best and seeing how everyone has grown so much this semester is truly beautiful.

The showcase was filmed, so I will make sure everyone in the family..and the friends who want to, will see it somehow :) However, musicals on tape just aren't the same.
I just saw myself on a tiny smartphone video.. and it wasn't very pleasing.
BUT the whole experience summing it up in my heart and soul was AMAZING.
And I feel so good about the performance.
I gave my all - and with passion I did so. I had a clear goal in my song, that I fought for till the last chord.

I had a few musical mistakes, but I used that as acting.. and that's what I loved about this performance.. is that I felt connected and like there was a story I needed to tell. That's what people want to watch .. my voice is not the most important part in that case.

A few days ago I spoke to my old singing teacher about this semester and how the career - that she's in too - is unbelievably difficult. She wrote back something very important.. which I think I forget too often.
That I should be happy about my growth. If I am so perfectionist that I can only be happy with what's a perfect performance (from my point of view), I will never be satisfied. - which is how I have been for a long time. I am such a perfectionist it destroys me. .. Just like Bella in Black Swan.
But tonight I was just happy and proud to be able to show what I can do so far.
Now it might not be on a BROADWAY level.. but we sure are getting there!

My bow for the audience :)

I saw the other showcase group first.. and it made me so happy - because I saw everyone still learning and growing onstage .. but with such devotion and love.. and it made me happy to see that not a single one was flawless and totally professional. But THAT was the whole beauty in it. Because dreaming to be on Broadway was a dream that was clear in everyone's eyes.. and after seeing that, it made me relax so much more. I think if I hadn't made these thoughts, I wouldn't have been happy with my performance, unless it was perfect .. and the best of them all. But ... I just can't be on that level yet... so..! This is what I usually do to myself - and then, heaven knows, I am never proud but always dissapointed in myself.

This comes back to being happy with my growth. And when I got offstage I found a mirror where I stood alone said to myself. "I am SO proud of you, I am SO proud of what you're doing, what you achieve and how you're growing every second."
Seeing the importance in growing in this process is just so beautiful.

Realizing how far I've come, ever since I started wanting to be onstage. Remembering that I actually started learning to belt this semester - and for the song I sang in the showcase. I am moving so fast and improving so much.. and I am really proud of that because I have not always done it wholeheartedly every day in school .. yet I have an immense talent and value of my muscles picking things up quickly .. that I have taken everything in on such a high level anyway.
Even for dance ... I have come a long way, and even though it is frustrating not to be able to do 5 or more pirouettes in a row, like a few girls from my class can do.. I have really improved from where I STOOD before. . And if I really think about it, the girls who can do multiple turns have been on their toes for over ten years.. and the best girl in our class personally said that it took her 7 years to learn a single turn.

So what's not to be proud of, Jasmin?
My teachers are proud, and think my growth is excellent. My Meisner teacher sees huge acting potential and a long career for me onstage, saying I am a leader in the classroom.
My grades have been straight A's. (I won't lie except for a B in Speech).. for the exams anyways, I don't know what the final grades for the full semester are yet.

I have been put in the best class for the next semester. We have been divided into new sets...and without being too self conscious, it is obvious that group D is a group of all the people who raise the stakes in their work. Everyone of the other 9 are daring and brave actors, have excellent work ethics, a fantastic voice and shining personalities. Everyone of the musical theatre students have a great unique personality.. but you can see a difference of those who really show it in their work, and those who are still working on unfolding, while prioritizing other things outside school too.
So I don't doubt there is a reason I have been put in that set.
I can't wait to work even harder in this group. It will be amazing.

I have no idea how the next semester will turn out, who I'll meet and what I will achieve. Being ready and looking forward with anticipation will all my heart is a great start.. and it makes me happy and proud to think that
today was the first day of the rest of my life!

Kiss
X

Monday late night's poem

Where are you?

My heart is whispering your name,

My soul is searching for you through the wilderness,

sometimes everything around me seems the same,

but all at once something big is missing.

Where are you when I need you?

not to get along

but to sing a song

- for you

like I always do,

but I will continually dedicate my life to you,

all I ask is that besides all the loss you feel that too.

You taught me all I could need to know,

now it's time I honor you and let it show,

wherever I look I see your love

and your presence from high above.

Goodnight to you in the heavens,

while I rest from the demanding life on earth,

you witness the song of a lark and a woman's birth,

all the while your hand is resting over my head,

in incredible protection and peace,

we will somehow sleep side by side,

like we did every summer on a starry night.

Maybe you spend your time painting too,

seeing the world from one grand view,

I would give anything to see the beautiful result,

but before that I sure will become an adult,

it won't matter for us

we'll keep on growing together,

we'll keep on growing together through the strings of our heart.

1st day of showcase rehearsal!

Today has truly been an a amazing day, where the magic and excitement of showcase has begun to glisten at the surface. There is showcase fever in the air, and everyone is looking and doing their best.

I was the first one to sing my song through - because I open the show ;)
So many of my class mates came up to me - well especially the ones who hadn't hear me sing a solo before (the ones who are on my dance team, but not in my performance class..), and they complimented me like mad. They were like: "omgooosh the clarity and beauty in your voice is incredible". So I am really thrilled to sing this song for the showcase. It especially makes me proud, because I have worked with singing the song in my belt placement - which was something I couldn't do before (well had the ability, but never been trained to do.. so I didn't know how to use it when I first came to the school.)
I have worked with the song to the almost perfect level. And it sure will get there when I perform it to an audience on Friday.

There was a lot of waiting in between - but in that time I composed a song with Terra from my class (I wrote the lyrics and she composed), I stretched, worked out, got to write important emails, worked on pirouettes and ate :)

We had 2 hours of rehearsal for the opening dance number. Then we went straight on to a 2 hour rehearsal with the next dance. They're not difficult at all - but all the standing, taking in all the notes, being present and keeping a showgirl face is what takes all the energy.
I have not been this tired in a long time.
But it's like a good tired.. like when you go for a long run.
My body is sore and my eyes are sleepy - now at 7 pm!

I loved the note we got at the end of the day - We were instructed to go home, have dinner and be happy.
Then look at the choreography, ensemble songs and solo for an hour. .. then put the work down and rest.
Maybe I will sleep at 9 tonight. It would be heaven!

I want to watch a movie musical too! I rented 'On the town' from the library, which is an absolute CLASSIC.. and a must see for a musical theatre dancer! The musical was based on Jerome Robbins' ballet 'Fancy Free'. And in the movie Frank Sinatra and Gene Kelly stars - some of the biggest musical theatre stars in the 50's.

I also think I will work out some more.. just so that I have excellent muscle mass for this big project..
Then I might run for a while on the tread mill.. running is so good for working on the flow of breath. It's important to have a strong, but natural flow of breath while being active - if not you fail in being able to sing while you dance ;)

I thought about a bath too.. or maybe I'll just massage my legs and lie in bed while watching that movie.

Mmmmh ... some hot tea!

Here's the last showgirl face of the day.. one for you!

"Diamonds are a girls best friend....."

Coz we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. - walk down stage slowly. kiss hand "mwaah", send it out to the audience.. walk stage left - stand on number 4 on the floor .. hip swing right left right left... walk around in a circle with attitude.
Diamonds are a girls best, diamonds are a girls best.. DIAMONNNNDS ARRE A - walk center, and slide down to floor - GIRLS BEST *friend*, jazz hands, sparkly.

And.. I'm done for the day.
Run it all through tomorrow again.
Tomorrow we will work a lot on the performance of our solos, which I can't wait for!
Looking forward to blog about how it goes.

Big kiss. Do your push ups.. and you may.. just may get as big arm muscles as I do now ;) haha

The best song from my heart in 4 months

I am sitting here in my room.. Sunday night late.. at 11 pm, and I'm working intensively with the text to my showcase song 'Journey to the past'. I am working on creating a clear moment before (what happens just before I sing the song, and what is it that motivates me to sing it, why do I have to sing it RIGHT NOW..).
I have created an amazing journey for this song.
- The journey is simple, but awesome beyond all. It's my journey here.
In fact the journey of million words and feelings that I felt when I looked out the window on the first day of my new life here - waking up to the breathtaking and at the same time intimidating sight of New York City.

More than that, I won't say. I hope some of you can see my showcase. .. If not live, then maybe on film.

.. But as I sat there in great inspiration, my eye suddenly struck something that had been otherwise visibly hung up on the shelf above my desk.
It's a note cut out in a heart that I wrote to myself about 6 months ago:

"Jasmin, after 4 years of effort and hard work.

You are going to New York City to attend New York Film Academy.

You did it!

You reached your goal."

And I stopped for a second and thought.


..........................

Where on EARTH have I been?

That indescribable, uncontrollable, amazingly, breathtakingly, adoring eagerness.
What have I been doing when I didn't have that eagerness?

.. Well that, fortunately, I think I can answer for myself.. and if you scroll back the almost 60 other posts, I am sure you will realize that my months on Manhattan have been packed and packed and packed till I almost exploded.

You know, I just think to myself now.. that I have never stopped living in the dream. If this was the roughest patch, I am sure lucky to have realized my goal again already.

But maybe not goal.. my life has always been about setting goals.
I remember just before leaving, I said.. now my goal is to win an Oscar!
My mum said.. now now.. slow down and just start one place.
I am not sure if she didn't think I had the potential to win an Oscar :p...
...but I am thinking that after the recommendation from my acting teacher at New York Film Academy, which I just received.. I don't doubt that I could keep on shooting for the stars like that.

So to keep my thought rolling from where it started.. maybe my focus should for now not be to set goals, but to live in the goal. Focus on what I have achieved.
Which. in fact. is. a lot!
I am pretty tough now that I think of it. And looking back now on the journey I have been through, over these past 4 months, I am quite proud of myself.
And you all should be ;)

I am learning so much.

This weekend I have been listening to my favorite musicals .. and new ones.. non stop, the butterflies for my showcase have started to fill my tummy, I have stretched and danced, sung Les Mis for Josephine - who gave me the full piano score as a Christmas gift (<3), seen an amazing award-winning movie with Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts, danced the streets of NY to Mamma Mia music, walked through Times Square imagining I was heading to work in one of the theatres and polished my application to final funds - which look promising.
That's eagerness.

I actually felt like this weekend was my first REAL weekend. I got to recharge, see friends and have fun, while still getting my chores and hmw done. (but that being said, it does make sense that I had time for friends, since I only have showcase to prepare for).

I know this eagerness came from lots of prayers from friends, and I am so happy.
I feel more settled somehow.
I look forward to learning more and more and more in my second semester.
I know I will find a lot of inspiration and I can't wait to give it even more.
I will be the best. of me.

With eagerness and a lot more rest... the best of me is SO much more than what it was this semester.
I can go so far, once I can give it my all.
I'd say I was a 5 on the scale out of 10 last semester. Not on purpose.. just what I could give in those circumstances I was given.

I know what number on the scale I'll be for the showcase ;)

*

Right now singing in the rain is playing on my radio.. and I bet'ya all, if it was raining outside now, I would go out and dance in the rain. Funny fact - it IS raining. And a while ago I put my duvet out the window to let it air for an hour or so, so I would make sure to sleep in fresh and new air tonight.
.. Now it's not just fresh.. it's wet.
So maybe I'll just stay indoors and work on getting it dry! ;)

This'll be a short one .. :/ .. I need to sleep to be fully prepared and rested for a 9-5 day of showcase tomorrow . That'll be 8 hours of unfailing 'showface' ;)

I can't wait. And especially to perform my song.
I am eager (!) to let you know how it went, and how rehearsals go as this week goes by - well or flies by..!

Sleep tight and tighter and tightest you all who I adore.
X

9 roles in a day

At last, I let out the stress and pressure.
What I had expected to be doing on the first day of my Christmas break.. but which I never found an appropriate time and bed for.. to collapse on and just sigh like it's no-one's business!

After my final exam, I at last felt that hugggge exorstion that every other normal human being would feel after working hard a full semester, without a break.

I performed parts of 7 songs in 10 minutes. 7 completely different characters, circumstances, time periods..

I lost my words for one song.. just because.. it happens. But I got to redo it again, and I did it perfectly the second time.
We were given up to 5 points for each of the songs - about the musical understanding of the song, different layers of preperation for the character and the singing style according to the time period.
Kristy Cates gave me 5 out of 5 for every song, except the pop opera song, because I need more of a cry-sound in my singing style.
So 34/35.. A or A+, she didn't tell me in the room.. but she told me that I she was really pleased with my work this semester and thanked me for that.
Which was really

After this, I was obviously very tired. Exhausted.
And after THIS is when I just let myself go home and let out ALL the stress and pressure from this semester.

*

You know what really just brings me in a bad mood? - Rats that run across the street, right by my feet.

After today, I am just beyond exhausted.. I have been in and out of 9 different roles today, performing for an audience or a final grade.

Walking through the streets at night.
I just came out of a Shakespeare performance class, where I sang On my own.
- And now it's pitch black, and raining, and I am walking all alone.. and today I do kinda feel like I don't have a friend or face to say hello to.

I need to talk to a friend.
But it's just one of those days when you don't know who to turn to.
. . you get what I'm saying?
- Even though you know there are friends you can turn to.. you sometimes think - no I don't feel like sharing this with her, because she would probably make me feel bad, the other she would judge me, the other she would be too sweet and not know how to support, the other she wouldn't understand what I am going through?
Right. You've felt like that at some point, haven't you?..

...................................
...................................................
............................................................... I am just really exhausted
and 
with that comes
sadness
..................................there's a never-ending pressure
And I'm just trying to figure out how to make it through the next semester
. which will be twice as hard.
Maybe not getting through it... because I will be stronger.
BUT
I will always meet higher standards... by teachers
and 
myself.

I am sad because I feel like I always know I can do better.
But I just can't. Because there is work to do for every class, I can't just focus on one.
And when I see people growing in front of me.. I get scared that my best as of now isn't good enough

...
When I think this through, I just need a hand to hold. But someone who will not think it's weird that all this pressure makes me cry for a full day. and someone who doesn't make me feel humiliated or filled with self-pity.
Someone who doesn't ask too much, but just hugs me and says "I understand. Just cry it out.".

.. Then I think.. I could talk to God!..

But what I hate is that sometimes I feel to worn out and little and displeasing to communicate with him.
I feel like I need to clean up myself, before giving him the joyful treasure of letting him in.
*
I just thought I had a whole week off between 1st and 2nd semester. Turns out.. I have two days.
- To gather energy and reload everything in my system
- to buy tap shoes and find new books perhaps
- to get to know my schedule and plan my weeks ahead
- to stretch and be fully prepared for now around 5 or 6 lessons of dancing each week
- to collect my repertoire folder for new performance classes.

- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!*
- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!* number 2
- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!* number 3
- just to recharge and give myself time to relax.

Yes - I just had a 2 week break.
But then came all my finals and showcase ;)

*

Sometimes pain on the inside is easier felt, when there is pain on the outside. ..I mean obviously when the inside is very painful, it is felt on the outside too.
But just after watching a Shakespeare movie and finishing that assignment, I was boiling water on my little kettle in the tiny room. I was so tired, almost half asleep - yet while it was boiling I did some ballet exercises for the day. And just being so flustered - because I was tired, I put my hand right above the kettle to open the lid, and didn't think about how burning hot the steam is just when the water had boiled.
So - I got a burn that left a huge scar on my wrist, only a couple of seconds after.
And then I started to cry again. Just because I felt the pain - all the pressure that had filled my chest that day exploded like a bomb for the third time.

The second time being when my neighbor knocked on my door unexpectedly and asked me how my day was, and I just burst into tears..

I need rest.
Please don't all call tomorrow and wake me at 7 am. If you wanna hear my voice, remember the time difference.. and this is my first more than 5 hour sleep in a long time!
But I love you.