The second weekend - a dedication to Farmor

I've been trying to write a post for days, but I haven't been able to know where to start. I keep imagening the smile on my grandmas face, every time she notices the new post on my blog. I know her heart bursts with joy every time she gets the chance to follow me in my life's adventure. But my favourite follower won't be able to open this on her computer tomorrow morning.

Farmor, my grandma died sunday morning.
Whenever I thought about which news would be the worst to hear, her passing away would be the worst case scenario.

My Farmor was my best friend. I could tell her anything. She knew me inside out and we had a special bond, that no-one else had in the same way with her.

But I've come to love her even more, through her shared passion of my dream. When she was my age, she had an extraordinary talent to express herself through dance. She danced ballet on the tip of her toes and she was a natural. She was put in the class level way over the appropriate for her age, and everyone knew how talented she was. She wanted dance and music with all her heart and her teachers encouraged her. But her mum wouldn't let her live through that talent. She was to work for her mum and give every penny to the family, and she was permanently taken out of school to do so.

But she's always sung and hummed whenever I'm with her, and you can still see the great ballet muscles on her legs.
I am sure my passion for the music comes from her.

And she has is my biggest fan, but not just an admirer of my singing. She has always lived with me in it, and everything I've sung and written, I've shared with her.

If I had a bad day, and had dance on the program of the day, she would say that she wished for me, that I would feel released through dancing and turn my pain into a great dance.
She started her day by watching 'Unusual way', my music video, a couple of times and the rest of the day she sang 'What do we do'.
She told me that I had the skill to touch all the strings of her heart. She has always been the first I wanted to share everything with, and I am so thankful that she is the one who's cherished that the most.
And I am grateful that I could fulfill her music and later on be able to pursue it in life.

This is our dream. What we both lived and breathed for. And it still is.

What is important for me to say to the family, is that I can feel her here, right by my side.
I feel her more now, than I ever did before.

The day she passed away I was with my American family, and I can assure you I had a hand to hold. It was a beautiful sunday morning, and we spent the day at the chore to a meeting and a concert.
My comfort was the church. And my heart followed the music all through the day, because I knew that's where she was present. And just when I thought that, a strong ray of sunlight shined through the church, right down at the conductor's sheet music, in the centre of the room.
And I knew it was her. I prayed that this feeling would keep on forever, that she would never leave my side in that way. And just when I felt scared, and doubted it for a second, the ray of sunlight came back through another window, and shined bright in my face.

And from then on, I knew that she and God told me that there was no reason to worry for that.
Because I know that she is in a greater place. I can see her holding the hand of God, and God let's her see down on earth, and to me especially. They communicate together with me.

What's breaking my heart, is the family that's left behind. To my grandpa, who loved her more than words can say. I know that he has difficulties breathing without her, and it pains me to know that he can't be with her. I pray that he feels her too. To my dad, who has lost his mother. The mother he calls when even he needs comfort, or just to tell about her grandchildren. For the times when we call to be reminded of one of the recipe's from the world's best cook. The fact that she was the strongest point in our Portuguese family, and brought so much happiness all around.

That she will not be standing beside us when her grandchildren gets married, and that she will not be holding her great grandchildren.
This is her body gone, and it's what tears me up when I think about it.
Seeing the scene of how my family kissed her goodbye in the coffin. And knowing how much my siblings need me.

But when I lay alone in peace, I don't feel any goodbyes for her. Because as I am about to think I have to, I feel her with me, holding my hand through our journey and waiting for me to take the next step. It would be like saying goodbye to my own journey and standing still in life.

And I am aware that the reality is different for the rest of you.
But every time I speak with you and hear about how you said your goodbyes to her earthly appearance, I feel like I am pulled in the wrong direction.

Yesterday after lying in bed and crying, I forced myself out of bed to find a dance room.
And I danced and sang for 6 hours straight on. Just like in the church, rays of sunlight streamed in the room. 
I hadn't danced for months. But I was free and better than I'd ever been.
If I felt lost for a while and found hard to stretch my ballet legs properly, I felt her guiding me like a teacher bringing the best in me forward.

And when I sang, and finally found my voice again, after being horribly sick for a week.. I knew how her heart was bursting with joy again and I smiled, knowing the sign of her big proud smile.
I sang Phantom of the Opera, The Little Mermaid, West Side story, Oklahoma, Wicked, Anastasia and Eva Cassidy. All through every song, I felt how our journey together developing and I've never been so happy in my life.

You should all know that she's in the best hands. She can now go with me everywhere, see all my performances and all the Broadway shows I'm watching. She doesn't have difficulty with walking the distance or keeping up with everything that's happening. I don't have to call her all the way to Portugal and try to give her the best description of all that's happening, she just knows everything at the same time as me. She's just here. All the time.

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When I think of it, the ending was perfect. The last thing she saw was the blog post I dedicated to her. I promised her that she would be with me all through my dream forever. SHe wrote back the same night, that I had the skill to touch all the strings of her heart. I said that I loved her with all the strings of my heart. And I think that's when all the strings of her heart found peace.
Because she had a weak heart from when she was born, and the fact that she lived all through the years is a miracle in itself.
But God gave me the honor of creating a place and a mind where she can be when she was too weak to be on earth.

And what I've learnt from traveling, and being far away from family and friends, is that you don't need them near you physically. What's important is knowing the love you have for each other, because that's all you need with you.
Being physically close is for your comfort, to have a proof of the other person's love.
But I believe that our love can do anything.

I am writing this as my family is gathering for the funeral in Portugal. I am tucking the teddy bear she made for me, holding a beautiful picture of her and Farfar, listening to 'What do we do' and clinging on to the ring she gave me.

She once received it from her father when she travelled alone to Portugal as an 18-year old to work. He gave it to her as a protection and a sign of love, which would give her luck and comfort on her journey.
And now she gave it to me, when I had to travel to New York.

There was nothing left unsaid or undone between me and my Farmor. There was no place we missed going together, no things I wished I had had the time to say to her. I sang for her, and told her all my desires through this dream.
She knew my love for her, like no-one else.

One thing I promised her is that I'd get married in her chapel. Even then she'll see me.
I can't think of anything I wish her to be here for. In every way she will see all of it anyway.

Summer 2009

"I Love you with all the strings of my heart"

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