One week later! Part 2

Today was a better day. I experienced many special things. I’ll start with the last one.

I did the Meisner repetition with my new partner, a boy from my class. And we both noticed some very special things in the room. We had some really deep moments, and it’s like we really clicked.
The teacher had explained to us how we obviously speak better with some people, and how other people make us upset or angry. But this was the first partner in Meisner I’d experienced the really close human connection with. It’s not that we got romantic, that’s not what I mean, but we had some special moments where we could really see into each other and understand one another. And it was something that took us by surprise, because we saw parts of one another we thought weren't that visible, and we’d never spoken to each other before doing the exercise!

That was a great moment, like so many other ones I’ve had in class. And there are many more to come!

*

I feel lost.

- I was trying to start a new paragraph, and that line just came out of me, without warning….

It kind of took me by surprise. But it’s true. I do feel lost. I feel like I’m not completely engaged to what I do in the class room. Being completely honest (not shifting back to the words, wanting to delete what comes out of me now) I sometimes feel like I don't belong. Because I don’t feel like I’m strong enough for it now.

It’s a lot to take, I know, for you people who want to read about my grand adventure.
The ones of you who hope that I am doing well in the big apple.
The ones of you who expect me to have the time of my life.
The ones of you who have high hopes and imagine me shine in class every day.
The ones of you who just wait to hear about the great school.

- It is an AMAZING school, trust me. I have never seen teachers be so committed to their classes, wanting their student’s dreams to come true more than anything.

But what I feel is that I’m not sure if I’m ready.

Being completely honest, starting the program again in 6 months, has striked my mind. Several times.

Thinking these thoughts surprised me, more than it surprises you, I know that. Because I’ve wanted this for as long as I can remember. It’s all I’ve worked for in the past years.

6 jobs.
Long days.
Not a lot of sleep.
Not a lot of time for school and my final exams.
No time for friends.
Rarely seeing my family.
Stress.
2 parties in total my last year of high school.
 and 6 auditions all around the world.

This was what I wanted more than ANYTHING. I want this more than ANYTHING.

But not feeling centered when I stand in a class room and strong enough to go through it, tells me something is wrong. Knowing myself, looking back on my development, I have seen me better. And that’s not how it should be. I should be extraordinary and surprise myself every day, and most of all make myself proud every day.

My grandmas death was breaking me in so many ways, and in so many ways I was beginning to heal with great progress.

Moving away from home was a huge turning point in my life, and even though I went for my dreams, the change probably affects me more than I think.

Being alone is difficult in times when I need company and love.

But all these things are factors that I have quickly accepted as being a part of my journey. You always have challenges on your way to your goals. I have learnt that years ago. And it has made me really thick-skinned, smart and determined.

But in my classes, the teachers are no way interested in seeing that.
They want to dig in to the tiniest person inside of us, they want to explore in the vulnerable. In every second class, I tear up, - from having to share something vulnerable, being affected by other people’s work or releasing the pressure of the expected work. And it’s exhausting!

I have never been so exhausted after a week, in my whole life. I know it is a part of the journey, and I respect the teacher’s work.

But I don’t need to see myself break, I can’t cope with my weakest points right now, being in a point of my life, where I need to heal and patch up the wounds to move forward, to be strong, to do my best. If I didn’t try to heal I would break completely, realizing all the weight there’s been on my shoulders the past weeks.

Being strong, it’s not that difficult. Realizing what has happened and being forced to share everything, it’s difficult. Unbelievably difficult. I feel so vulnerable the whole time, and it’s very uncomfortable.

I don’t want to keep on with this unexpected talk forever. My thoughts are just that the timing is wrong. Or maybe the word should be 'difficult'.. as I switch between wanting a break from it, and pushing myself forward.

I don’t quit. But maybe sometimes, things aren’t always what they seem to be. Maybe the right isn’t always the obvious. I’ve had dreams and nightmares the past 5 days telling me that.

The only thing I could be waiting for now is a sign that I’m on the right path, strength to pursue it, and peace to endure and cherish it.

Today in dance class (the advanced level I've been put in), the teacher gave us a pep talk, saying that he had noticed how some people still looked like they didn’t know what they were doing, and why they were placed in the advanced class. He explained how annoyed he was to see that, because the reason we were here was because he had seen something in us. Technique and sense of choreography, but he had also seen something in us that made him want to challenge us; because he’d seen the strength. We are all here to learn.
That’s the other special thing I experienced today.

And I think I should just remember that.
And every single one of you should remember that too.
- The most harmful thing you can do to yourself is to judge yourself and bring yourself down, when you’re trying to learn. If you want to break yourself, this is what you should do. But you don’t, I don’t.

I know that I just find it really difficult working with something I’m not best at. And that’s all part of the journey. The minute I accept the learning process, and enjoy the development, I start growing faster and more beautifully.

It’s easier said than done.
But my moment of rejoice will be when I learn to turn it around.

*

Now, listening to ‘A thousand years’ by Christina Perri, I again feel very much at home in my own room. It’s really beginning to take shape. It’s my new home, and I’m starting to feel it. The walls are mostly covered with posters/pictures/frames/postcards.
The second drawer is stuffed with food (!).
I have a family here, who include me and love me as much as I could possibly need them to.

I know I am at the right place. Circumstances are just difficult.

I am glad you know the truth.

But remember not ever to doubt that I am still having the time of my life seeing the world like mad and learning a lot!