Finally a day to think and recharge

I don't know how to start this post. I started one earlier, but it got lost on another computer.
I am sitting in my room, quite peaceful, and graceful, but slightly lonely. Today was quite fulfilling in all those departments.
For the first time in a long time, I was able to forget about all chores and appointments and 'should-do's'. I was able to sleep in today, first night after the process of rehearsing, learning and performing the musical, Alone in the US, for our reading of it. This went so extraordinarily and I am proud to know I am one step closer to understanding performance and taking best use of and understanding my talents.

I feel quite lonely because I don't have a person at the moment. You know what, I have beautiful friends and some of them are so precious and close to me, but there was nothing like having one person who had it all and that I could give the same thing in return. I miss my best friend Kerrie who moved back to England. We were everything each other needed when we first became friends and it feels empty here without her. She was the closest I ever felt like home to, but so much happens when you become miles apart. You can't try to keep living another place in your mind. I told myself to really take care of myself and remind myself to be in every moment and learn how to enjoy the journey where I am.

Recently I think I've felt a bit lonely - not saying I haven't been happy or pleased with what I was doing - I have just noticed an emptiness that has stuck with me. I have been searching for someone to be my person, I guess. I am so thankful for my best friends here. But none which are unfiltered or unconditional love, and I really need that person that I can tell anything to. From the smallest and weirdest details to stuff that really weighs me down or fills my mind.

Today was an empty day in my calendar where I was supposed to be able to do everything I could want, that I haven't had the time to - instead it became a day where I did nothing. But I think I really needed this. I needed a day to sit home. And today was emotional because I skyped with a lot of family today and it was just a quiet day where I took time to sit with myself.
Already now, I feel kind of sleepy, and it's only 6pm. Tomorrow morning I will be going to church and I feel kind of anxious about it, because I haven't been since I got back from Christmas in Florida and things have been weird with the Wittenbergs. We haven't had much time to talk or miss each other because there's been so much on my plate and on theirs - schedule wise and emotionally with a lot of family passing away, Jake going into the army and Kerrie moving back to England. I look forward to catch up.

I wish I wasn't so open sometimes because I am so vulnerable.. but who cares, I'm an actress they should, and I should get used to it too. I am so done being embarrassed or shy about what I am and stand for. This is my new thing.
If not sing loud enough, what's the point?

*

I feel so emotional about my graduation coming up... not being at NYFA every day and spending time with my favorite people in this city every hour seems like an impossible thing to do. Which I know it isn't, I just need to rearrange and understand a few parts of how to go about in my life before that. Or maybe it'll hit right that day, and I'll take it as it comes... as we do with most things in life... and that's how it'll be, I know it.
I love my NYFA family so much it hurts - in a very good way! What a beautiful journey I've had so far, huh?

I feel drained of energy thinking back on so much. Quite full in heart, but melancholic, as I listen to 'Fields of gold' on my spotify account.

Today I didn't think or do much active things though. I wanted to spend more time in my artist's way course in my book and process a few things, but in the end I think a day of not worrying or thinking too much is a good thing. My brain might hate me if not.
Maybe I'll take a bath later. Watch a musical online, sleep some more, maybe watch Grey's anatomy, maybe write a poem or compose, and sleep some more again. And then I'll spend time with my new friend at the markle, Mary-Anne if she has time. I secretly hope that she will want to be my person in the city too.. just because she is someone I admire and respect and trust a lot. I feel like I could tell her anything, without being judged, and she would understand. But I think I will just be kind and give her what I can and continue being a good neighbor without hoping for too much, because she might go back to South Africa soon for good. Loosing another person might just be a bit too much for me right now.

I'm praying more these days, because in the end I'll probably be more fulfilled feeling loved by Jesus than hope for someone here to give me that close friendship I need right now. Sometimes I wish Jesus would be willing to gossip, sometimes you just need that you know, but I think I better not ask for too much.

Next week I'll be filming my final Acting for Film project, I'll probably start looking over material for my next reading that I'm doing with some of my teachers from school, I will write out to the different territories in the country to look for jobs in the salvation army's performing arts department.

I have been biting me nails like ugly crazy again, and I ask my brain every second to please stop being stressed or nervous about I don't know what...

I am so tired. I think I will get myself to fall asleep to Grey's anatomy now :)

I will be back soon. Promise.