okay.. blog post number five million and a gazillion years ago since i wrote the last one. i know, i'm sorry.. there's just been so much.. and actually the free time I have will go to composing or a new course called the artist's way that I'm doing at the moment. It's a course that I decided to do for the last semester... it takes 12 weeks and I thought it would be a strong way to finish my time at NYFA. IT provides exercises and activities for you. self-reflection, how you grow yourself as an artist every single day... so I'm seeing and growing and processing so much stuff at the moment and it really is excellent.
Also I have been reading the scriptures every day, and have been really happy to pick this routine up. I have missed getting a daily fresh word from the Lord. I really have, and have needed it so much, but there has been so little time.. or rather I haven't made time for that routine.. It takes a certain level of peace an humility at a moment in your day, and I haven't been able to bring myself to that every day in my room.
I have done a lot of yoga though. It has been so healing and peaceful and graceful. So I have been bringing myself to calmness and meditation :)
So I'm in my favorite park, up in the heights.
For the first time i'm actually sitting on the fort looking down at the cars. .. for the one's reading it.. it's totally safe, and there's no way I could fall.. unless someone was to push me, I guess. But stupid people could push you.. anywhere.. lol.
I need to live on the edge more. That's my point. So I felt the impulse to sit here today.
The artist's way has really opened up to some wounds from the past that I hadn't processed, apparently. I hadn't expected that. Some things that I should have been angry or sad about, and I guess that's been wearing me down. Also I've fallen in love again.. and as wonderful as it is, it's overwhelming and I am trying to process and embrace and understand it all.. just like it always is.
Umm... so I need to lie on the dye more, I said. I didn't come to the park here today or even wake up thinking that.. it just came out of my mouth the second I wrote it here. But it's true, i know it. I've been getting sick.. .. and so I didn't go to my ballet class this week. And even though it's true that I wasn't feeling well, so that my teacher sent me home.. I still felt it as if I'd given in to that. Like I'd missed class for that, and because I was afraid to go. I always go to class even though I don't feel well. And yesterday I felt like I was quitting. And in my performance lab this week I was judging myself so much, like on a level I haven't in a long time. And I shouldn't. There's really no reason for it.
I see the whole class growing and it's so very wonderful and great. At the same time if I don't feel like I'm good enough.. even though I'm on the same level or on a higher level at some points.. if I don't know that's the reality, even though my class mates can tell me .. i feel so much hate and jealousy when I see other people perform and do the things I can do in some way or another.. sing a high soprano song (like I could the second I could when I stepped into the school..) If some belt-voice girl suddenly achieves that, I think... oh well if she's achieved it they don't need me in the theatre career. And the world doesn't need me. and the thing is.. no one 'needs' anyone. but it truly is wonderful to have all the different people. and i need to remind myself that no one will sing those songs exactly the way i do.
no one 'needs' meryl streep, the world world be fine, and wonderful and talented without her. There would still be such aching as acting. Same thing goes for elaine paige and bernadette peters in theatre.. all those geniuses. And no one NEEDS them. But because they allowed their own talents to blossom, put themselves out there, made an impact .. they truly inspired some people in one way or another. And I have the power to do that.
So I was speaking to my teacher about this a few weeks ago. what i could do to feed myself as an artist, because I didn't feel inspired or good enough. This was before I started the artist's way course.
She just kind of laughed in my face.. because she said "you don't feel like YOU have anything to give to the theatre world?"... and she couldn't take me seriously. So she told me about when I came in for the auditions this year for the school productions we did - the annual musical and the two readings that was planned for this year.
Here's the thing about auditions.. you might be right for what they're looking for, or several things or nothing that day.. you never know. Some won't like you, in some cases everyone wants you. And she revealed to me that I was one of the biggest bargains in the room, I created so much conflict between the 3 directors because everyone wanted me.
And i was like.. what?! I would have never guessed. And yeah.. maybe I would.. I did think that I was someone someone would wanna work with, but I just hadn't believed in myself enough. When she told me this I knew I had to start believe in myself more. She said that I don't always get that lucky to hear how much of a bargain you are.. they'll just say yes or no and leave no comments after you leave. So YOU have to do the job of patting yourself on the shoulder and believe that you are good enough and trust in yourself.
My other teach run performance lab class he says he doesn't believe in rejection.. that there's no such thing. And that actually REALLY helped me.
HE says.. if it's a no, it's not rejection, it means; not for this or not right now.
And that's it. it's all a big puzzle. but we're all beautiful and unique.
And wow.. ok so right now my hand is almost freezing of because I'm holding my phone outside. yesterday I realized it was 3 degrees celsius. and that's insane I'm wearing autumn clothes.. and yeah it is autumn, i'm sitting here looking at all the leaves.... umm but I need gloves, lol.
And yeah..I'm looking at all the cars racing by. Before I started this blog post I thought of all the cars as being one thought, one dream/wish/desire/a project.. all things going forward in different tracks.. but alone and messy.
I need to figure out my track.. not a full on pan about my life.. no one can do that, because that would e a waste of time. you don't get to decide what your life turns out to be, that's God's work, and you have to trust in that.
I just need to prioritize my projects, because there are so may things I'd love to do.
And I'm sure I can achieve most of them. I just can't do them all at once, then it'll never happen!
See, I started a novel a few years ago, I've always wanted to finish it. I also have the desire of developing a musical that I have ideas for... maybe even write a movie musical for the next group at NYFA.
So many projects.
I also want to become a better dancer. I need to.
I also need to practise soprano voice more, so I am fit for fight for the Christine audition for Phantom of the Opera when I am lucky to book that audition one day..
See so many projects..
But I also need to just calm down and let myself practise. I will do whatever I can of different talents every day .. because if I set my goal on one thing, then I'll have nothing if that fails. Does that make sense?
If I put all my energy into my role of Christine, then I'll have nothing if I don't get it at the time I'd expected.
I just need more focused time. That's all.
I came here on the park at 12, and I'd expected to be here for like 3 hours to read and free write and do a blog post... but no no.. it is SO cold. I have to get up now and walk a bit around!
I think I'll be back soon. I just really needed this park. I just needed to come here and breathe. Later I am going to the library to watch Carrie the musical.. no, Jasmin, not important right now... you jut need to be in the moment and focus on breathing.
*big breath*
I fear rejection a lot lately. I don't know why I wanted to say that out loud, because it's not like it's gonna help. I just feel like nothing lasts, you know? No relationships, no friendships truly last the way you have it in the moment. I'm not saying you're gonna loose all your friends.. I'm just saying the good that you have now in the moment.. it won't always be like that.
I was thinking about this the other day. I focus too much on trying to protect what i in the present so that they can last forever. but things don't and that's actually the beauty in them. but i need to trust, and teach myself this; that I need to love and embrace and cherish what I have in the present.
Worrying about the future messes up the present, it really does.
IT really, really does.
..and here's the other thing I thought about. I think i'm lying to myself when I say that things don't last.. it's not true... and I think there's a big part of this generation, 99.999%.. people in this world they don't think things last. I grew up in a generation that lives every day as if it's the last. They'll dance and drink today as if it was the last, not worrying about the next day. Being with everyone in any way you meet on your way. Making the fullest out of relationships, not saving, but jumping into everything.
- And see I never really could do that. I'm more fragile in that way... and I felt like I owed myself more, I felt like I wasn't treating myself in God's plan for my life ahead-way....I always knew that something bigger would come ahead. but here is the thing.. can't ALWAYS say that.
There is really something about this generation. I don't agree with a lot of the things that I pointed out.. but I need to live out loud more too. and the thing about this generation that I don't believe in, that has kind of ruined a lot of things for people my age.. we just don't expect that things last.. whether we've grown up with parents divorcing, siblings or grandparents dying, relationships broken... the thing is we've grown up expecting those things to happen if this is the way we look at it.
So if you go into a relationship knowing, oh this won't last, but I'll make it for now.. you will become the person that rejects the future. Stability.
And worse you will even act in ways that would make the person reject you. Why? - because you're too scared. You're so scared to lose the person that you want to be ready for it, you want to know that you knew about it. You were well aware, and so you come up with reasons for the person to reject you.
....And you go on in life saying.. see things never really last. And then you tell the world; "I have a difficult thing with trust."
You need to trust god. You need to trust yourself more. I've realized this; every single thing can last. It's up to you to hold on to them, grasp on to . the thing is about this generation too, that once it's not butterflies and happy fairytales any more, then you think it means that it shouldn't last.
But that's not the truth.
There's a big reason why you meet the people you do. God plans all the people who come your way. He knows what they're there for and what you'll do with them. And once you love someone. A boy or girl, any friend, family ... any talent, experience, activity, where you live... - you need to rely on that unbreakable love.
Trust and love what you fight for.
You need to trust that you had your reasons for loving and holding on to!
You need to trust and help yourself not bow under for reasons to reject.
Because we're not made to reject. Humans were made to live together. God created us to work together, to love on another. To grow and to share. So stop, please stop rejecting the people around you. They're part of you.
Stop taking advantage or not fully seeing the beauty in the gifts that God gives you on your journey. Everything can last! - Even if they die, even if you'll loose your voice. Everything can last... Because they have the ability to live on in your heart.
- If you go on in life knowing that everything can last, you will do everything in your power to protect and treasure that.. then they will go no where.
And if those things aren't pursued in life the way you expected the to be.. that just means that they had another meaning and a different purpose than you had imagined in God's greater plan. ..but it's always been meant for you to cherish whatever you're given.
Those things that he brought into your life.
So no matter what happens, never reject what he gives you.. and make them last - in your heart.
That's the strongest place to keep them.
As I'm looking at the cars.. ironically.. they drive more peaceful in line, slower.. isn't that funny.. OF COURSE they alway drove one way - as busy as NY gets.... but in my mind; there's more control, more steadiness and focus.
One fell out of line a bit, but quickly and gently got back on track again.. and that's ok. That's life.. just trust yourself.
Jasmin, trust that you can do it.
Trust that there is so much for you in store.
You have so many dreams and projects that it OVERWHELMS you.. and that is a GOOD thing.
It should be a good thing.
You are gifted with a lot of things. Do what your heart tells you to do, what you want to do. listen and have an open heart and mind towards God.
Listen and I will be guided.
Every time I look into my art I see creativity and light and love. If I go from there, I will find peace. I will have more knowledge, I can go anywhere.
Goodnight!
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