Sunday afternoon. I was at church by NY temple this morning, and I gracefully rushed home to get my thoughts into this blog post. Blessed that I had a big thing that I needed to write about. I guess I have had lots of big things I needed to write about.. I just haven't made the time.. or been honest about it.. or been brave enough to share, I guess. No.. not I guess - that's the way it's been.
Church today was so touching and beautiful and heartfelt and hard. That's why I am writing. Because I had to. And a writer has to write... so I must be a writer after all. Even though I don't always give myself the time to be one.
There's been a lot of things going on my mind, and a lot of things I haven't known what to think about and what God wants me to do with it. I have recently talked to my friend Jessica from the markle about how you hear God's voice. It was interesting because I told her.. that I don't think I've ever actually heard his voice before. And she said you shouldn't expect an actual audible voice .. that God's voice is usually that unexpected thing you hear in the back of your heard that tells you what the right thing is to do, or gives you an immediate impulse to change or react to something or when your mind can't be kept off one thing...that seems to be God's voice. And I just said.. well I guess I haven't really learned what is God's voice and what is just me. Sometimes your in conflict with yourself, you know, and you just need time to think things over and you clear your head and make a decision. Well... I guess God is always there, always present and always with us in thoughts.. so no matter what I think he'll always have influenced. But if I let him, right?
Listening for God's voice is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
At the moment I think I have been shedding away a bit.. because I haven't known what to say and how to approach him. I pray with all my heart every day.. but sometimes I think I forget the listening part too.
I forget that my job isn't 'done' when I have cried my burdens out, prayed for who needed prayers, and promised God to fulfill the gifts he gave me for the day. Sometimes there's more.
Recently I have had a very dear friend. So dear, that I was overwhelmed by my friend's presence in my life and what I could give, support and have effect on in return. This is a friend I feel I was brought to by Jesus. Not a beautiful coincidence, but a perfectly planned angelic meeting from God.
Do you have that person that you understood the depth of that bond with? An immediate moment of realizing how beautifully God wanted you to touch each other's lives?
- In reality, what's so ironic, but absolutely astonishing, is that EVERYONE in your life is there for a reason. Brought to you by God, planned for some reason, one way or another. BUT for us mere humans, who only ever understand a billionth part of God's great plan for us, what is SO incredible for us, is when we realize HOW and WHY that person was brought to us. When we understand the calling in our life, when we feel our purpose, when we listen and respond because we know and we want to fulfill and be filled with that grace He has given us in form of a human like us.
It's like seeing God closer, knowing him better, understanding his love and understanding the importance of our relationships with one another, right?
To me that is one of the most beautiful things we could ever experience. I have had many of those cases I'm sure, but recently in my adulthood, as I came to understand them more.. I can look back on just several special cases of important people who were sent as angels for me and vice versa.
It has filled my life with so much more depth and meaning.
First was Armando, my former boyfriend.. and still lover, or person.. a very special who still is in my life. A case I can't explain - but purposely, because we understood how we had been placed next to each other in such a beautiful way, we are in the situation of not being able to let go of one another, even though times may be changing. Some people you can just never let go in your heart in that way. Some people you will always love on that level, because if you didn't you'd forget the gift of God. That's what I see it as. Armando saved me at a time I felt life was hopeless, my gifts were hopeless and I could never be loved in that sense. Just as I'd thought I wanted to put an an end to it, I met him, who seemed to love me in every sense, for all that I was. I knew he was exactly what I needed and he was so good to me, for the time he could. Unfortunately we lived on two different sides of the country and romance doesn't work well that way, especially if you struggle with trusting people and being afraid of being rejected.
But I KNEW that he had been there for a special reason. He was my angel who showed me that life was worth waiting for. That I was beautiful the way I am. That I was lovable the way I am. Finding him at least just to trust that is all the gift I could ask for.
Secondly, I wrote a song that saved a friend who was in deep trouble. I was able to share the holy spirit within me in a way I had never been able to before. I was able to heal, inspire and be a friend that filled an otherwise deep black, hopeless whole. Kerrie has probably been the dearest of my friends when I look back at it, because I felt God holding our hands and protecting us and the trials and fears so profoundly as I never have.
I think there is so much more to tell. I will look for old notes! I realize I have been a busy restless like actress lately, who hasn't taken the time to write home!
xx
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