Focus, cherish and believe that things last

okay.. blog post number five million and a gazillion years ago since i wrote the last one. i know, i'm sorry.. there's just been so much.. and actually the free time I have will go to composing or a new course called the artist's way that I'm doing at the moment. It's a course that I decided to do for the last semester... it takes 12 weeks and I thought it would be a strong way to finish my time at NYFA. IT provides exercises and activities for you. self-reflection, how you grow yourself as an artist every single day... so I'm seeing and growing and processing so much stuff at the moment and it really is excellent.

Also I have been reading the scriptures every day, and have been really happy to pick this routine up. I have missed getting a daily fresh word from the Lord. I really have, and have needed it so much, but  there has been so little time.. or rather I haven't made time for that routine..  It takes a certain level of peace an humility at a moment in your day, and I haven't been able to bring myself to that every day in my room.
I have done a lot of yoga though. It has been so healing and peaceful and graceful. So I have been bringing myself to calmness and meditation :)

So I'm in my favorite park, up in the heights.
For the first time i'm actually sitting on the fort looking down at the cars. .. for the one's reading it.. it's totally safe, and there's no way I could fall.. unless someone was to push me, I guess. But stupid people could push you.. anywhere.. lol.

I need to live on the edge more. That's my point. So I felt the impulse to sit here today.

The artist's way has really opened up to some wounds from the past that I hadn't processed, apparently. I hadn't expected that. Some things that I should have been angry or sad about, and I guess that's been wearing me down. Also I've fallen in love again.. and as wonderful as it is, it's overwhelming and I am trying to process and embrace and understand it all.. just like it always is.

Umm... so I need to lie on the dye more, I said. I didn't come to the park here today or even wake up thinking that.. it just came out of my mouth the second I wrote it here. But it's true, i know it. I've been getting sick.. .. and so I didn't go to my ballet class this week. And even though it's true that I wasn't feeling well, so that my teacher sent me home.. I still felt it as if I'd given in to that. Like I'd missed class for that, and because I was afraid to go. I always go to class even though I don't feel well. And yesterday I felt like I was quitting. And in my performance lab this week I was judging myself so much, like on a level I haven't in a long time. And I shouldn't. There's really no reason for it.
I see the whole class growing and it's so very wonderful and great. At the same time if I don't feel like I'm good enough.. even though I'm on the same level or on a higher level at some points.. if I don't know that's the reality, even though my class mates can tell me .. i feel so much hate and jealousy when I see other people perform and do the things I can do in some way or another.. sing a high soprano song (like I could the second I could when I stepped into the school..) If some belt-voice girl suddenly achieves that, I think... oh well if she's achieved it they don't need me in the theatre career. And the world doesn't need me. and the thing is.. no one 'needs' anyone. but it truly is wonderful to have all the different people. and i need to remind myself that no one will sing those songs exactly the way i do.
no one 'needs' meryl streep, the world world be fine, and wonderful and talented without her. There would still be such aching as acting. Same thing goes for elaine paige and bernadette peters in theatre.. all those geniuses. And no one NEEDS them. But because they allowed their own talents to blossom, put themselves out there, made an impact .. they truly inspired some people in one way or another. And I have the power to do that.

So I was speaking to my teacher about this a few weeks ago. what i could do to feed myself as an artist, because I didn't feel inspired or good enough. This was before I started the artist's way course.
She just kind of laughed in my face.. because she said "you don't feel like YOU have anything to give to the theatre world?"... and she couldn't take me seriously. So she told me about when I came in for the auditions this year for the school productions we did - the annual musical and the two readings that was planned for this year.
Here's the thing about auditions.. you might be right for what they're looking for, or several things or nothing that day.. you never know. Some won't like you, in some cases everyone wants you. And she revealed to me that I was one of the biggest bargains in the room, I created so much conflict between the 3 directors because everyone wanted me.
And i was like.. what?! I would have never guessed. And yeah.. maybe I would.. I did think that I was someone someone would wanna work with, but I just hadn't believed in myself enough. When she told me this I knew I had to start believe in myself more. She said that I don't always get that lucky to hear how much of a bargain you are.. they'll just say yes or no and leave no comments after you leave. So YOU have to do the job of patting yourself on the shoulder and believe that you are good enough and trust in yourself.

My other teach run performance lab class he says he doesn't believe in rejection.. that there's no such thing. And that actually REALLY helped me.
HE says.. if it's a no, it's not rejection, it means; not for this or not right now.

And that's it. it's all a big puzzle. but we're all beautiful and unique.

And wow.. ok so right now my hand is almost freezing of because I'm holding my phone outside. yesterday I realized it was 3 degrees celsius. and that's insane I'm wearing autumn clothes.. and yeah it is autumn, i'm sitting here looking at all the leaves.... umm but I need gloves, lol.

And yeah..I'm looking at all the cars racing by. Before I started this blog post I thought of all the cars as being one thought, one dream/wish/desire/a project.. all things going forward in different tracks..  but alone and messy.

I need to figure out my track.. not a full on pan about my life.. no one can do that, because that would e a waste of time. you don't get to decide what your life turns out to be, that's God's work, and you have to trust in that.
I just need to prioritize my projects, because there are so may things I'd love to do.
And I'm sure I can achieve most of them. I just can't do them all at once, then it'll never happen!
See, I started a novel a few years ago, I've always wanted to finish it. I also have the desire of developing a musical that I have ideas for... maybe even write a movie musical for the next group at NYFA.
So many projects.
I also want to become a better dancer. I need to.
I also need to practise soprano voice more, so I am fit for fight for the Christine audition for Phantom of the Opera when I am lucky to book that audition one day..
See so many projects..
But I also need to just calm down and let myself practise. I will do whatever I can of different talents every day .. because if I set my goal on one thing, then I'll have nothing if that fails. Does that make sense?
If I put all my energy into my role of Christine, then I'll have nothing if I don't get it at the time I'd expected.

I just need more focused time. That's all.

I came here on the park at 12, and I'd expected to be here for like 3 hours to read and free write and do a blog post... but no no.. it is SO cold. I have to get up now and walk a bit around!

I think I'll be back soon. I just really needed this park. I just needed to come here and breathe. Later I am going to the library to watch Carrie the musical.. no, Jasmin, not important right now... you jut need to be in the moment and focus on breathing.
*big breath*

I fear rejection a lot lately. I don't know why I wanted to say that out loud, because it's not like it's gonna help. I just feel like nothing lasts, you know? No relationships, no friendships truly last the way you have it in the moment. I'm not saying you're gonna loose all your friends.. I'm just saying the good that you have now in the moment.. it won't always be like that.

I was thinking about this the other day. I focus too much on trying to protect what i in the present so that they can last forever. but things don't and that's actually the beauty in them. but i need to trust, and teach myself this; that I need to love and embrace and cherish what I have in the present.
Worrying about the future messes up the present, it really does.
IT really, really does.
..and here's the other thing I thought about. I think i'm lying to myself when I say that things don't last.. it's not true... and I think there's a big part of this generation, 99.999%.. people in this world they don't think things last. I grew up in a generation that lives every day as if it's the last. They'll dance and drink today as if it was the last, not worrying about the next day. Being with everyone in any way you meet on your way. Making the fullest out of relationships, not saving, but jumping into everything.

- And see I never really could do that. I'm more fragile in that way... and I felt like I owed myself more, I felt like I wasn't treating myself in God's plan for my life ahead-way....I always knew that something bigger would come ahead. but here is the thing.. can't ALWAYS say that.
There is really something about this generation. I don't agree with a lot of the things that I pointed out.. but I need to live out loud more too. and the thing about this generation that I don't believe in, that has kind of ruined a lot of things for people my age.. we just don't expect that things last.. whether we've grown up with parents divorcing, siblings or grandparents dying, relationships broken... the thing is we've grown up expecting those things to happen if this is the way we look at it.

So if you go into a relationship knowing, oh this won't last, but I'll make it for now.. you will become the person that rejects the future. Stability.
And worse you will even act in ways that would make the person reject you. Why? - because you're too scared. You're so scared to lose the person that you want to be ready for it, you want to know that you knew about it. You were well aware, and so you come up with reasons for the person to reject you.
....And you go on in life saying.. see things never really last. And then you tell the world; "I have a difficult thing with trust."
You need to trust god. You need to trust yourself more. I've realized this; every single thing can last. It's up to you to hold on to them, grasp on to . the thing is about this generation too, that once it's not butterflies and happy fairytales any more, then you think it means that it shouldn't last.
But that's not the truth.

There's a big reason why you meet the people you do. God plans all the people who come your way. He knows what they're there for and what you'll do with them. And once you love someone. A boy or girl, any friend, family ... any talent, experience, activity, where you live... - you need to rely on that unbreakable love.
Trust and love what you fight for.
You need to trust that you had your reasons for loving and holding on to!

You need to trust and help yourself not bow under for reasons to reject.
Because we're not made to reject. Humans were made to live together. God created us to work together, to love on another. To grow and to share. So stop, please stop rejecting the people around you. They're part of you.

Stop taking advantage or not fully seeing the beauty in the gifts that God gives you on your journey. Everything can last! - Even if they die, even if you'll loose your voice. Everything can last... Because they have the ability to live on in your heart.

- If you go on in life knowing that everything can last, you will do everything in your power to protect and treasure that.. then they will go no where.
And if those things aren't pursued in life the way you expected the to be.. that just means that they had another meaning and a different purpose than you had imagined in God's greater plan. ..but it's always been meant for you to cherish whatever you're given.
Those things that he brought into your life.

So no matter what happens, never reject what he gives you.. and make them last - in your heart.
That's the strongest place to keep them.

As I'm looking at the cars.. ironically.. they drive more peaceful in line, slower.. isn't that funny.. OF COURSE they alway drove one way - as busy as NY gets.... but in my mind; there's more control, more steadiness and focus.
One fell out of line a bit, but quickly and gently got back on track again.. and that's ok. That's life.. just trust yourself.
Jasmin, trust that you can do it.
Trust that there is so much for you in store.
You have so many dreams and projects that it OVERWHELMS you.. and that is a GOOD thing.
It should be a good thing.
You are gifted with a lot of things. Do what your heart tells you to do, what you want to do. listen and have an open heart and mind towards God.
Listen and I will be guided.

Every time I look into my art I see creativity and light and love. If I go from there, I will find peace. I will have more knowledge, I can go anywhere.

Goodnight!

Don't settle for a world of gray.

A song made me think about something last night. How much bad stuff we take in and accept as being part of our lives... and we do this instead of accepting or self critique. It's so much harder to face that you hate yourself in some ways rather than other people hating you. After all you're supposed to be your own best friend. .. just sometimes you really don't want to.

Not that I'm in this state of mind entirely at the moment. ..it just made me realize this after hearing the lyrics :
"if you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself up, if your legs have given up under the weight, if you find that you've been settling for a world of gray; so you wouldn't have to face down your own hate"

And that's really what we do sometimes, because we don't understand our beauty and worth. . Isn't that scary?

In the first place we might've created hate because that's what the world told us about ourselves. ... so is that the truth?
No. There's always love. We're all loved. You yourself know by who. Your creator. Up to you to believe it or not.
BUT I don't really think that's the biggest issue. The biggest issue is believing you are worthy of that love.

No one gets it. It doesn't make sense, while we stumble on our journey trying to make it right after seeing so many wrongs.

Don't settle for a world of gray. Take the love. 

Be unique. . so why didn't I think of this before?

As I was walking through the suburbs yesterday, I made myself a promise. . One that I should have thought more clearly about before. I promised myself for the coming semester, that I would present my unique -ability and colors that no one expected. .. whatever I myself find beautiful, and not what the teachers ask for or whatever type I try to fit into to feel like I'm an inhabited part of musical theatre. No. .. I want to create the' Jasmin type'. Sounds easy and obvious?
Well it's easy for you to say. .. but pretending your own type takes a lot of personal work and exploration in and out of all kinds of stories and memories to finally be able to not only define, but also stand up for who exactly you are.

That's what this semester's journey will be about for me. Because this is how I'll want to enter the professional world.
if that means I'll never fit into the Christine costume for phantom of the opera. . That's ok. I've played her in class and many times in my mind. .I just want to be in something that the unique me can portray. No one that tells me how to look or be. I want to surprise the world with something new. Something that I can even surprise myself with.

Talk to you soon!

Looking ahead at my last semester at school!

I am lying in my nest, under the best comforter ever and my head resting on a dumbo pillow, warmed by my new woolen cozy socks and the cute sounds of guinea pigs and the gross, but endearing snorts from Naya the dog... in other words, the basement of the house at the Wittenbergs.
The time is 12:12... afternoon time. I just jumped back underneath the covers from a breakfast break.. eggs on toast and chocolate milk and cheerios.. uhmm so American and so delicious.. I can't even..

Yes, I'm on holiday.. so this is well derserved and TOTALLY alright to be so lazy. I am telling you, I have needed to sleep on an insane level for so long. I got 10 hours last night, and yesterday I slept pretty much the whole day, with movie breaks in between... I watched Grey's anatomy series and the new Nicholas Sparks movie 'Safe Haven' and The Hunger games 2 'Catching fire'. And it was the best day ever. So great.
So great.

It was just so great. Being able to have a nap till forever was like a dream come true after a long semester with lots of big projects going on at once. I've been up late and up early to work on or film our dance video, that I partly choreographed.. there's been our movie musical project, which we've worked on intensely and will start filming soon.. and then all our finals. I was happy for the most part about the results.. mostly for our pop/rock class I was told that out of the yes, maybe and no piles from the audition table (on the 'real world' level), I got a yes.. meaning call back and keep in the good pile. This is good news.

Final picture with Pop/rock class. Favorite class of the year by far!

Geniuses: Bobby Cronin and Daniel Lincoln

Final class with Acting for film and TV.

Genius: TJ Mannix!

Final project for our movement class, theme "Dreams".

I was black/white swan. Makeup done by self!

On set filming for our jazz video

Group photo for our jazz video! This is our year.

Aren't we beautiful?!

Working on script for movie musical by Battery park!

... I have honestly recently had a downfall in my trust in myself as an artist.. I am not quite sure where this comes from. But I know I was so low that I needed to talk to a great teacher about how to find inspiration and my heart in the work again.. because at the time I'd done tons to find it again, and for a long period of time it seemed like I couldn't find it again. And it's never been so long that I've been away from my drive, devotion and persistence.
I am not certain if I have found my drive again.. I think I need to tell myself it's ok that I don't have as much energy all the time. There's been a lot of things I've taken on this year.

...
I just needed to hear that I was worthy and had enough to give to art. I knew I should be able to tell myself this, but for some reason I couldn't believe it. It had been long since I could see myself doing something grand. It just didn't feel realistic. But Iv'e realized this.... I've been confused because I've fallen more and more out of the 'regular types', the 'equal triple threads' and evident 'musical theatre types' as they are now.... thing is I don't fit perfectly into stereo types .. this is difficult to realize because when I walk into an audition room, a lot of times people haven't known how to cast me.. where to place me. But I've realized that it's because I have something else. I'm trying to figure out what.. I'm still learning and exploring... but I know that there are still shows ahead that have not been developed yet.
I have something unique and new to give. And it's hard to stand up for it, if I don't believe in that new.. but I am working on it. and trying to trust that it will be a new at least someone will love.

*

So now I am in the basement in my nest, yes, I need to give myself rest.. of mind and body.. and then later I'll perhaps take another walk out in autumn. It's my favorite thing these days. I've been some extremely gorgeous places. I will show you some of my favorite pictures.

I told you how much I love the wind too right? Well the autumn this year is just even more magical.. it's an adventure and like a paradise to walk around in it. It is simply just beautiful here in New York.
Well I am looving the rain too. My grandpa does. I always thought him crazy for loving being wet and having a gross shower of water blown into your face so you can hardly see where you're going, and your hands get ice cold from walking in the rain, if you are fortunate enough to hold an ubrella... but no no, this year I love it so much. It's like a gift to me every time I can step out into the rain. The other day I was running and laughing through the streets as cats and dogs were pouring over me by Central Park, laughing so hard and feeling so free because I had no umbrella to protect me.
I'm peculiar.

This Halloween holiday I was kind of planning on getting away.. you know like take a Jasmin-like spontaneous trip away to maybe Oklahoma ... to see where Laury, my favorite Rodgers&Hammerstein story takes place, or perhaps Ohio where several of my friends from school are from, or Atlantic city where the musical Ragtime takes place which I recently saw at the library, or Boston where other friends of mine are staying.... YES so many places to go and visit spontaneously.. I am sure I would have a wonderful time.. but I wouldn't be fully rested, I figured. For the first time in my life I have decided to do nothing on a holiday break .. literally just prioritize sleep for this week. Which I am getting already.. and then yeah well of course I have things planned.

Wednesday and Thursday this week I have booked an amazing voluntary job in musical theatre. My former Spring Awakening director, Nathan Brewer, needed extras for ensemble scenes for a film shoot. I don't know much about what my job will be, just to show up be ready and positive. There are big Broadway stars on the shoot, so it will be so exciting, and amazing experience and a fantastic opportunity and look on my resume.

The rest of the week I plan on being more keen on my new VISA situation, I want to feel more comfortable with the whole process. I am scared that it won't work out. But I really don't want to have to travel away.. I feel at home here and I want my dreams to come true here and see myself grow more here.. It's my favorite place to do it. I've never seen and learnt more in my whole life.

This place is just so fantastic. And I also want to be where the challenge is greatest.. the more challenge the more bravery and gut it takes.. the stronger and more awesome I become.

*

Right now I am ... of course still lying in my nest... but now multitasking with Sarah, we're watching Funny face, an Audrey Hepburn, together. It's very cute and I haven't watched many of Audrey Hepburn's, so I'm glad she got me on for this.

Last night I spent some quality time with the two other kids as well.. I saw a movie with each of them, Brave with Emma and Catching fire with Jake. Fun times.

Aaaah I'm on a break. I can't eveeen!!

I hope to see some movies on their netflix these next days... since I don't have a computer or access to netflix at home... I have missed it. I have missed my home here on Long Island. So I am glad to be here for a few days. My plan is to go back home tomorrow night.

Train ride to Long Island..

*

A few days ago, I was visited by my old friend from Denmark. Emil from my Contact show at Betty Nansen. This was the most amazing theatre experience I have from home in Copenhagen. Emil was also the actor in my first music video. We always hit it off and had the most fun together. I got to show him around the city. And always having had an unfulfilled fling with him, we ended up kissing by my favorite romantic fountain in the city. The one by Washington square park... just because I asked him too.. otherwise I thought I might never get a kiss here. And that's not ok, when you find the perfect spot for a romantic kiss, you should take the advantage of it when you have the opportunity!

It was great, we had the best and most magical evening together, including late night bagels and yoga class in Greenwich village and exploring the East village. One night. One fantasy. And then he was off. Off to the next place in USA, a ride that he'd gotten by a stranger he met at Union square - of course.. that's how he rolls.
That's how anyone rolls who runs by NYC.
The big apple is for quick, big and memorable experiences.. in every field quite literally.

Next thing I am waiting for my Broadway breakthrough ;)

*

Now to my favorite places for autumn in the city:

1.) Prospect park - I found this place as I was heading towards the big Cemetery in Brooklyn, working on my character for my final Meisner character of this year (a monologue from the spoon river anthology). Prospect park is like Central park.. only in Brooklyn.. I mean it's not as big.. but it's definitely 'the park' on the Brooklyn side. It's much more 'forest-ey' and open with less people and less activities going on. That may just have been because I was there on a weekday in the early afternoon, while it was raining... but anyways, I had the most amazing walk and got some absolutely fantastic pictures. This place is so peaceful and amazing.

Wood side cemetary. Gorgeous.

My favorite picture from Prospect park.. of course edited a bit,

but not too much.. these are the real colors. Amazing right?

2.) Battery park - now this is way smaller, and more like a riverside area than a big an actual park.. but what they've done with the arrangement of flowers and the sitting places are amazing. This place is a 5 minute walk from my school, so this is where I go in some breaks when I need some sun or some air or some alone time. The beautiful cover picture from facebook that so many friends commented about, I took here.

There is a special place where you can walk up a set of stairs to this single bench. Just one bench that just sits there, ready for a wonderer to come gaze at the view or a couple to come get some alone time.
It's perfect.

My favorite spot by Battery park. The building behind me is the school.

I am looking over the water at the Statue of Liberty!

Gold and heaven by Battery park!

3.) Fort Tryant park - favorite all time place. This is a better breathing place and free writing place and adventure place than Central Park. I am so glad I found it. I may love it so much because I have a special story attached to this park. I came here first with my best friend and we carved our names in the tree, so when I look at the view, I always see it as if I'm sharing it with her.
This is a place she had recommended from another friend when she needed to find a special spot to breathe out of the city. And the fact that she now shared this with me is very special. Not many people know about this place because it's the furthest uptown Manhattan you can go to the last stop of the A-train... but it really only takes 30 min or so from where I live and it's so easy to go there.

There are so many squirrels in the park that are very friendly and brave with humans and there are beavers crawling around you on the grass!

The first thing you see when you step into the park

Beavers running close to my feet!

This is like a place I thought you could only find far upstate of NY.. it's like a forest. There's  kind of botanical garden inside it, but my favorite part is the view over the river to the other side.. of Bronx, I guess it is. There's a hill right in the beginning of the park where you can sit with a picnic or a book or a friend and just watch the view. I sat there the other day free writing for 4 hours. It's the most liberating and healing thing I've done in a long time... ;)

Pictures from the day I was with Kerrie in the park:

Tarzan and Jane

A little Anastasia <3

My little sunshine and best friend

In her neighborhood.

Some pretty fine places I'd like to live in some day!

On my roof top!

Sunset at the Markle!

The only reason I haven't written Central Park on this list yet, is that I haven't gone to visit Central Park for the autumn this year yet. But I can't wait, and it's definitely on my list of things to do when I get back on Manhattan.

*

Wow.. I am heading towards my last semester at NYFA... It's so overwhelming. I mean for long I haven't wanted to even think about it, because I knew the thought of it would make me so sad... but now that I see there is only roughly 4 months left of school, it is really starting to get to me.
Therefore these days in bed will be about finding my positivity and fire for putting the last effort in the NYFA work. I need not to spend my 4 months being sad about ending soon.. lol. I need it to be a blast and the best memory I have from school so far.

And then after that I will be staying for my training 4 months more in the country, I assume. I hope to find work in a theatre in some way and then to have several projects running, maybe find readings or other things that my teachers have in the working process.

*

I want to get some more rest now. Sounds silly right.. maybe I'm out there to get a record in sleeping the most in a week. We'll see. Susan will soon be home so I might do some devotion or just cozy tea time with her later.

Their cat Simba. Cutee!

I need just a teeeeny bit of air too..so I might take that walk around the house and let you know how autumn looks in Hempstead!

I will definitely talk to you soon!
X

...... Look at how pretty it is outside in the suburbs!

Have you ever seen a bad play in New York City?

Ok; this is really awkward…… I am sitting in the dark, in a theatre watching a play… and I have clocked out.. I really can’t do it… it’s SO boring.

It was a spontaneous pick that I chose, because I felt the need to see something else than just Broadway or off-Broadway, whatever…. It’s interesting, there are really some parts of this weird piece of art that made me stop and think.. but I don’t get the purpose of it. More importantly, WHY am I here??!
I don’t know what the heck this is.
A play about the effect of absinth. It is so abstract and boring that it make me sad.

I just want to go home and sleep and actually find my inner hope and smile again.
Probably take a bath before sleeping. I want chocolate and good tea. And I want to get rid of my bad mood. I am still affected by hearing my work is shit only few days ago.. and the numerous times I’ve had a voice inside of me saying that I maybe shouldn’t be doing this, because I’m not good enough.

I wish I could talk to my grandma.
I miss my family.
I need to be with people who really love me.

In a way Kerrie here is my family. We expect to spend the coming holidays together if there are no other plans for us.
*
I feel like time is standing still right now, I can’t even…..
“Don’t fly too close to the sun, your wings will burn off” – that’s the only text I took with me from the play so far, being now halfway through it)… I don’t know what it means.. but in some ways, it excited me and scares me at the same time; this saying.

I like it now, there’s a sound of the rain onstage. It’s chilling and refreshing. And I so love the autumn chill at the moment, did I tell you?
I don’t know why, it’s like the wind keeps me alive and clean – I can’t explain it. Is that a thing you have when you grow up?
Did anyone else find this?

Now, this play is really pissing me off (excuse my language), no really yes, it is because it couldn’t be that thing, the simple piece of inspiration that I exactly needed at the moment. I need something to inspire me and remind me of what I’m doing here. Not just NY… but like here for performing. At the moment I don’t have that thirst and drive and belief in myself and my dream. I need to watch proper storytelling.
Something that makes me forget the stage is just pretend. I need to be drawn onto the stage. Something that raises my soul away from the audience seat and reaches towards the stage, with such a devotional yearn to be a part of the story onstage.

So yes… actually this was just a quick update.. obviously.. I will start writing about this past semester soon.. seeing that it will end in a week… wow… woaw…!

Just for now, right here in this moment, I had nothing else to do but write, though.
I am SO bored.
I have not been so bored in years. This would be a form of torture actually.. and the play takes place in the basement of the theatre building… it’s like a place you could go into hiding.
You never know; maybe I’ll never be let out of here. Maybe that’s the big surprise that changes this big experience to the otherwise expected memorable piece. 
Jeez, but no I rather just get to my bed soon.

I need to let out some anger. Like really do. I need to punch something.

Scattered thoughts.

Being aware of this, I still can’t even gather them and try t make sense of it. What do you gather from it?
A good story?
Depression?

I am planning to go on camping with Kerrie, or take a train trip. It could be wonderful. We both need to get away for just a few days. It could be sweet.
Just talking, peace, cuddles, board games (actually I take that back, because Kerrie is crazy competitive and I take loosing to a crazy winner very personal).
*
I think everyone in this play took something… like seriously strong and weird. It’s like drunks playing around with ‘it’.

Wow, they are crazy….. I can’t even….

If I fell asleep in this theatre, and woke up for the next day’s performance, I would be the unhappiest person on this planet. In fact I might take something for myself, had I not been able to write out this insane conflict in my mind.

Oh gosh…. I sense we are drawing near the end. Now I shall look forward to a 40 minute walk home.

Here is another good thing I took from the play…. They say “Forgive the pain. .. and what happened in the past, what you did wrong and regret.” The pain is too painful.

And you know what, they are right.. I forgive them for delivering such a shit script.
It’s a good idea, just not worth watching. Life is short.. but we are all just trying to figure out life. Especially us actors. I forgive them. 

So now I will go in peace. Later tonight, I will work on forgiving the pain that I sometimes give myself because I am weak at forgiving myself.

Lol, it’s so ironic, not they speak of second chances.. yeah, I’ll give them a second chance as actors. They’ll find their moment of shine.. just like I am searching for mine.

Friday night at 11:30

This is approximately when my day of work ended, finishing school at 10 with the rehearsal for our dance video. For the first time in definitely a whole semester, I felt the weight of worry and self-judgment and giving in. In such a way that when I got off the elevator on my floor and looked into the mirror – which is a habit I’ve kept doing for months, because it helped me to see how much stronger and more beautiful I’d grown after each day of hard work – this time when I looked in the mirror, it’s like I saw the old Jasmin.. the one in the first semester that let other people say she wasn’t good enough and believe that there were no limits of her dreams, but definitely of the reality of them…
I looked so sad and exhausted that I haven’t been for as long as I can remember.

Today we rehearsed the dance video, the section that I’ve choreographed. We are two days away from shooting the film, and we had to spend today polishing the dance. Instead our feedback was that the dance looked like shit and that the story didn’t come across. All tension and eyes on me, who had choreographed it. They just hadn’t gotten my intention, I guess, so there was no meaning behind the steps whatsoever. It looked like shit our teacher told us, but then again there was not much to do about it being only a few days away from filming.. therefore we were asked to just do it as well as we could. So obviously we stayed a little extra and our teacher was wonderful to help with his ideas. He wasn’t mean, just telling me the truth. Which was ok, just a little harsh, being so few days away. Sure made me stress out, I hope I can sleep tonight is all I pray.. because I have Saturday school tomorrow from 12-6 pm. .. then I’m seeing a play at 8 pm… and then I’ll film the next day, Sunday, at 8 am till late evening.

So exhausted and worn of my job today that I burst into tears when I entered my room.
I knew that I had to sleep and take care of myself.. whilst trying to tell myself that it didn’t mean I was a bad choreographer…I just don’t get it, I feel like I have such a profound story to share to this project, and when I’ve presented it, they just don’t get the depth and heart of it. I guess it’s a level of earthy they don’t understand.. and maybe never will translate to dance… I don’t know.

I just think that I’m not the dancer I think I am sometimes, and then I get disappointed when I can’t fulfill and easily learn new adjustments and ideas to my original project.

It’s probably better to stick to writing and maybe singing. I don’t know, where I really do something that change people. This is apparently not it, and it makes me feel really shitty actually.. excuse my French …. I just think I’d better face the facts before I get hurt of not being able to fulfill those dreams of myself.

I just don’t think I can watch myself being worn down by something I can’t fulfill anyway. Am I finally right about something.. or are you all suggesting I should jump into bed and not think about it till I’m fully rested again?

Beside my bed is the candle decoration I made, that says “Dream” on the inside. I lid a tea light to put it in there, but as I leaned over, I couldn’t bare to put the candle inside of it… I couldn’t let the word “Dream” light up. I think I should take that word more lightly, since it’s kind of destroying me tonight.
No one gets my art at the moment anyway… I can’t compose, I can’t sing the genres we’re going through at the moment (this includes rock), I can’t finish a whole choreography at dance auditions like every one else, I can’t tell a story through dance very well, so they say….. 

Above my head are glow in the dark stars. It is the most amazing invention and decoration ever. I love them so much. It’s surreal though… looking at the stars from underneath… it seems like an old dream that never faded away.. and here I am lost out in the stars. Little stars, big stars, blowing through the night.. and I’m lost out here in the stars…

I should really get some rest, I think. These thoughts are literally killing me. There is so much I wanted to do.. but you can’t be and do everything, you know?

Do you every just wanna punch someone in the face?
Have you ever seen One day… the saddest movie on this planet that makes me sob like a baby for hours after?
Have you ever thought what the world would be like if you weren’t here?

… well I’d better hop into bed. I am beyond way way way beyond exhausted. There are no words for it. I can’t even.
My friend tells me that I am very special, and that I should take my own advice and write it out over two pages.. what a shitty thing to do, if it’s not true. I don’t want to lie, you know?
I guess I will wait till I believe it, sometime after I’ve rested.. .when I have done something extraordinary.

I shouldn’t even be thinking these thoughts, some people are far worse off than me, and I should know that I am alright and can shine in my way.
And that that’s cool. I just hate only hearing myself saying it.. I think … wait …. I am falling asleep. I should better go to bed.
I am beyonnnnnnd exhausted.
Looking forward to be back, possibly with more hope and maybe new ideas of what I can actually do with my life these days without feeling like a di-sa-ster.

Ok, bye. X