Today after dance class I cried of joy

Today when I cried after dance class, it wasn't with tears of sadness and frustration, but tears of joy and relief.

In both my dance classes this afternoon, there was such a clear and beautiful ray of light shining through one of the windows.

I knew who it was, and I felt the confirmation of love and belief from above.

I knew that is was my grandma with me, supporting me in the room.

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I wanted to believe it, I tried to trust it.

When I in my dance classes fail to do it right or loose my sense of spotting when I turn, I tend to blame myself and say:

"See - you didn't believe it. You don't believe she is with you. You don't believe her love can support you. You don't believe you're good enough!"

So that's how I'd repeatedly shatter myself every single dance class, because I struggle so much with finding that trust.

I need that trust, it's what keeps me going at the moment. And wanting to make her proud is what keeps me going.

- Trusting yourself is what keeps anyone going.

At the moment, though, trusting myself comes from being sure of my grandma's heavenly presence.

I don't see how I could do this without her, and how I could do what I do, without being able to show her my progress.

But above all, I believe that she is safe and happy in heaven with God. Since she died, I've believed in God in ways I never thought I could.

It became clear to me, that there was no other place she could be than in heaven, with God.

And I discovered that because she is there, she can see me anytime, I can talk to her anytime and I know that she is always with me. Through the unfailing presence of God.

Every time I pray to God, I the prayers are in her presence too.

And today I was reminded by this miracle, when the stream of light reached both of my class rooms.

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And today in ballet class, suddenly something happened.

-My ballet teacher always tells us all - you have to keep working at home, the steps don't just come over night!-

I do work, but the steps don't come as easy for me. But today exactly the opposite happened.

We were doing double pirouettes and out of nowhere - is what it felt like - I did the spins with ease. Not just ease - better than I've ever done them before. Ever. It felt as if I was one of those ballerinas spinning endlessly on a stick in a music box. 

It felt like I was flying for a second.

And I felt like the class room went quiet, and everyone gazed at me. My ballet teacher's reaction was not to compliment my improvement, but to correct a minor detail with my arms, to make the spin even perfect.

And this was a much better compliment, because it meant that he saw an improvement and wanted to spend his time and energy on me, making it perfect.

Because the last couple of classes I've felt him not paying attention to me, kind of like a - it's hopeless, she doesn't improve much, and I can't work with her until she does.

Well today, I really did. And I was so happy.

What really gave me the kick might have been something unfortunate.

However, one thing he asked us all to do, was to imagine that we were the best dancer in the world. We had to picture ourselves being our favorite dancer.

That's what was in my mind, when I got on the floor.

Whatever it was, I know that someone very special from heaven was with me in that moment. I felt her being so proud, almost like I could hear her heart beat fast from the joy.

It was like I was enlightened in that moment, in a heavenly connection that rose above all matters on the earthly ground I was standing on.

"Stay lifted", my dance teacher keeps telling me - and maybe that is the note that will ever work best for me.

Whatever happened, something wonderful indeed helped me today.

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By the end of this week, I hope to release a long blog post about my mum's visit here! Look forward to dozens of really good pictures from the city! This was a weekend that I got to explore the city more and be a tourist again - something I haven't been able to do since school started 3 months ago..

I wish you all have had an amazing beginning of advent.

Best wishes, Jasmin X