My new year's resolution, and stay in trust

Getting ready to leave before going to church, I felt like I needed to do a few things in order to prepare myself for the celebration of this new year.

In my soul I felt kind of unsettled, because I had no idea how to greet this new year. I didn't have any clue of what my new year's resolution should be.
And I felt like I needed a moment to look back at the year that had just passed.
Taking a moment to show gratitude for the experiences and the ways I'd grown in a whole year, as well as showing gratitude towards the experiences I would expect in a whole new year.

2014 would probably be even more packed and growing than my 2013 had been.
So many things to grab on to and things to decide.
Going into 2014, without knowing what I want from it, felt really unsettling.

I had time to look nice, to please myself, - I knew that was an important thing.
While dressing up and putting on a set of sapphire earrings and necklace, that my grandma gifted to me when I was 8, I sat in my room all to myself, - just allowing it to be quiet and embracing the time I had in my hands now.... before the clock would be rolled all the way back to page 1 out of 365.

I hadn't found time to read the last scriptures of this year in my one year bible, this morning.. so I placed myself by the desk and read psalm number 150. The last psalm of the bible:

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heaven!
2 Praise him for his mighty works;
    praise his unequaled greatness!
3 Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
    praise him with the lyre and harp!
4 Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
    praise him with strings and flutes!
5 Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
    praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
6 Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!

Praise the Lord!

And as I underlined "Let everything that breathes sing praises", I realized that that's what it was all really about.

Even through the difficult times and bad times for David, he still starts and ends every single one of his psalms with "Praise the Lord". From then on you can see his whole attitude and way of thinking is changed by those very words.
Trusting in them has such a power, that all is transformed.

So as I went to church, I thought. Let it all be about him.
My new year's resolution should be about growing in his love, and trusting him only.
- And I hoped that I would learn more about this in church evening.

The new testament scripture said:

On each side of the river grew a tree of life.

As a final eye-opener after the psalm I'd just read, I understood that there is not only one possible tree of life for me. There is growing one right now at each side of the river - just as strong and beautiful, but in different places.

I had found the first resolution. As the first bullet point on my list of New Year's resolutions, I wrote:

• I promise to follow my heart, and not what I thought was right

....And as I read the rest of the scriptures of December 31st during church, I saw this devotion growing and growing.

The proverbs said:

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.

This was who God wants to see me be.
How great it would be to be a model for other people to look upon.
A visible 'heart of Bethlehem', for everyone to be reminded of the importance of a true and pure heart.

And I was reminded that the one who loves us above all, doesn't want us to fear the future.
And I remembered, "The days I cannot see, have all been planned for me."
Because - I'm in his hands.

And the rest of my scripture from Revelation 22 said:

I am the bright morning star.

He who is the faithful witness to all these things says "Amen! Come, Lord Jesus!"

 - This told me to prepare my heart, and be ready to make my heart his Bethlehem.

Everything you have heard and seen is trustworthy and true.

I felt this as a reminder speaking to the days when I am not as strong in faith - and therefore not as strong in myself, in fear or anger or frustration... everything that God has taught me, all he has provided for me, and all the ways he has made me stronger.. his promise to love me and let me rely on him forever - is all something I saw and felt not long ago, when I was in the darkest pit of my life, and I newly discovered my faith. ALL THAT is trustworthy and true.
Standing out as some of the most difficult, but strongest days of my life - they have carried me forward because of what I heard and saw.

And as a second bullet point on my list of new year's resolutions, I wrote:

• Keep me in your faith, Jesus. I will follow you.

The old testament scriptures from Malachi chapter 3-4 said:

I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in!

So, after promising to trust in him, I look forward to with the greatest anticipation to be showered by his blessings he planned for me in 2014.

*

10 minutes before midnight, and I am dead scared, almost frantic. Really nervous for how I will grab on to this new year.

Bekah and I had a long and deep talk in our room, the hour before midnight. We tried to figure out what our new year's resolutions were. What thinks we should expect of this new year. Most of all - what we should expect of ourselves.

I told her about how tough school had been this last semester, and how I was afraid I couldn't take it all in, the way I hoped to.

I know this year will bring many big things - decisions I will have to take. Will I be able to stay, or do I have to work in between semesters?

- Working in NY with the Salvation Army for a summer camp more teaching or office work, California finding a job with my best friend in film or anything else that pays, a spontaneous departure to Rio in any kind of job that needs my help, waiting tables in Portugal staying with my granddad and helping him, Back to old jobs in Denmark....

This is the list that has been running through my mind.

Where is my heart?

As we were walking slowly up the stairs from the basement, emerging the 10 second count down to 2014, I said to Bekah:

"You know I have all through the semester been able to go make it through the day only by praying to God. And I'd just love if I could wake up and not have to do that - already being strong enough to do it myself."

And Bekah said:

"But maybe that is the whole point. Maybe God planned it this way, so you would bring yourself closer to God."

And it all really made so much sense.

And it really made me smile right from the bottom of my heart.

So I think the two New Year's resolutions I wrote earlier are perfect for me this year.

They're all I need.

*

Bekah is standing beside me upstairs, we're both holding a glass of children's champagne, wearing our silly new year's diadems. Leaning up against each other, tucking her arm. Deep breath and calm yourselves.

At one point I was on the edge to crying. I was so scared.

Wild.

But I think I expect too much of myself, I think I want to have things planned out.

And I think this coming year is the most nerve wrecking year for me.

I am afraid of failing myself.

But now, when I think back ... I have NEVER failed myself. I am not the type that regrets things in my life. I have always chosen from my heart, and I have never forgotten what meant the most to me - no matter what they were; those were the things I worked towards.

.. and now - with God in my hands, like I have come to know him throughout this last half year.. I think there's even less to worry about.

I won't fail. I might experience a change of heart. But the unevenness in my thoughts, will always be in the hand of God.

And as I wrote a few lines above 'Where is my heart?'

My heart is always with me! Where else would it be? ;)

I just need to love carrying it with me.

*

Just took a shower. Clean for a new year. Now in bed, just giving myself the pleasure of resting. Finding the peace that I need so much.

Be blessed all of you. Deep thoughts and prayers to you. Many kisses. Lots of love to family.

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