Praying always helps

Yesterday morning, I woke up very exhausted. I stubbornly followed my schedule, though, and got out of bed to stretch from 7-7:30.
After stretch - breakfast, where I had to bring my computer & headphones, so I could listen to my character's songs from the musical, - Cinderella from 'Into the woods'.

- The song is extreeemely hard. The rhythm is insane, no system for the ear to catch, - more like a flow you need to know where your vocals should mingle into.
It goes so fast, that it's almost impossible to get through, unless you've warmed up your face, trilled your lips, and relaxed your jaw - like the way you should prepare to every single song.

However, my song, 'On the steps of the palace', is like a big bundle of tongue twisters.
For example:

"There's a lot that's at stake but you've stalled long enough cause you're still standing stuck in the stuff on the steps" - all in one breath

OR

"Although how can you know who you are till you know what you want which you don't so then which do you pick"
- quick breath -
"when you're safe out of sight and yourself but when everything's wrong"

I will this time try to upload the video of me singing it, when it's posted in the school's archive. :)

Anyways, after breakfast - pack lunch, shower + get dressed, and pack my school bag in 30 minutes.

Like I said, I woke up exhausted.. and I have no idea where my bad mood came from, but I felt kind of grumpy and everything this morning just seemed to want to work against my schedule.

When I got out of the door, it was freakin' cold, and it made me angry. When I got down to the subway station there were too many people in the way. I think I was running a little late - therefore I had clashed with the total rush hour in the subway.
I had to take the express train to make it on time for class - which meant that there was no seat on the ride. Express train at 8:45 in the morning, - which meant that I had to stand like matches in a matchbox, close up to people who smelled like coffee, deodorant, sweat or gum.
My bag was so heavy, and I couldn't move my arm to put it down on the floor - while I was standing there, the pressure of dozens of people were weighing down my bag, because everyone had to push to be able to fit.

In my mind, my thoughts were burning down my mind - "jeeeez this is so annoying. I hate this, I hate you all. I hate this morning. This day is apparently gonna be awful. And my song is gonna mess up and I woke up with a cold, so my song performance in Shakespeare is probably not gonna go well."

But then I thought - HOLD ON A SECOND, JASMIN!
Why are you being so selfish? Why do you want to bury yourself in self pity for no reason?

Earlier on that morning, when I acknowledged my mood, I had tried to get myself to say a short prayer and ask for God to help me get through this day. But at that point I had thought - no, this is my mood for the day, it's not like praying is going to help me, if I don't do anything turning it around myself.
This was one of those mornings where the whole world was against me, and quite frankly, I couldn't really handle to live with myself for the day. 
Being grumpy and annoyed, I didn't exactly feel like taking a calm moment to gather my thoughts.

But there in the subway, I thought - "What on earth are you thinking, Jasmin?". What makes you think that you can still do things on your own? What makes you think that God wouldn't be able to help you through this day?

I felt ashamed for wanting to turn my back on God, and not allowing him to make my heart his Bethlehem for the day.

So there in the subway - squashed between all kinds of people in all kind of sizes, I took a deep breath, and folded my hands, holding them to my heart and gently whispered:

"Bring me peace, God. Take all the negativeness out of my day. Take all my negativeness. Help me to focus on the positive. Clear my heart. Take all my negativeness. Take all my negativeness. I trust you."

This I whispered so softly, that only my heart and God could hear it.

*

I had such a great and fulfilled day.

I didn't think about it much, at first.
But like a switch, I cheerfully walked into my class room, happy to see everyone, engaged in the class, sitting on the edge of chair, wanting to be the first one on the floor acting in Meisner, excited to sing my song in performance lab, immediately choosing to go first, loving my lunch pack, spending the breaks joking around and hugging all my class mates many times, while trying to get them to dance with me on the floor, being inspired and grateful of watching my class mates perform, being satisfied with the preparations I got time to do for my Christmas play in the afternoon, looking forward to singing 'On my own' from Les Miserables to a monologue in Shakespeare class - feeling it was the best project I'd done since I came to the school.

After school:
Being blessed from the second I entered my residence by such a beautiful choir and string Christmas who played a concert in our lobby, being served a fantastic meat dish for dinner, chatting and sharing my day with Susan, enjoying such a cozy time with Jessica in her room, while working on the Christmas play, drinking tea and sucking on peppermint candy sticks.

And as I was sitting there with Jessica, I told her about my wonderful day. How many things I'd learned and seen. How blessed I was.
I looked back on my day, and told her the story.. I had prayed to God, and it had helped.

Oh my gosh! God really did listen to my heart and clear out the negativeness. He gave me what I needed most today, because I had chosen to come to him, instead of turning my back on him and staying grumpy.

It seemed like a simple thing to ask for, but I felt it as a miracle, because God had dedicated himself to me, and turned my day around.

I also told the story to Major Randy Orr, who smiled and replied "Yes, it's amazing how a short moment's dedication can do for us. I still find that."

God heard me from the second I opened my heart to him.

*

And the last night, Jessica came to my room and read me a fairy tale from my golden book of Hans Christian Andersen's stories, while I was under the covers in my bed.

My chain of stars in the window were the only lights in the room, and the sky was beautiful and dark.

Having the fairy tale read for me was the best thing that had happened in months. For 15 minutes, I was swept into a wonderful story and I could allow myself to be a child.

And for the first time, after hearing this fairy tale probably a million times through my child hood, I understood something in the story, I'd never seen before.

Towards the end of the fairy tale, it says:

"Her old grandmother, the only person who had loved her, and who was now with her no more, had told her, that when a star falls, a soul ascends to God.

She drew another match against the wall: it was again light, and in the lustre there stood the old grandmother, so bright and radiant, so mild, and with such an expression of love.

"Grandmother!" cried the little one. "Oh, take me with you! You go away when the match burns out; you vanish like the warm stove, like the delicious roast goose, and like the magnificent Christmas tree!" And she rubbed the whole bundle of matches quickly against the wall, for she wanted to be quite sure of keeping her grandmother near her. And the matches gave such a brilliant light that it was brighter than at noon-day: never formerly had the grandmother been so beautiful and so tall. She took the little maiden, on her arm, and both flew in brightness and in joy so high, so very high, and then above was neither cold, nor hunger, nor anxiety - they were with God."

This story is not only about the little girl's grandma, but about my grandma too.

She is in heaven with God, and she is the light.

And as Jessica finished the story, tuned off the lights and closed the door behind her, I gently fell into a sweet sleep.

And the story wasn't only a dream. I woke up surrounded by the smell of my grandma.
I'd fallen asleep in her blouse, that still carries her scents.

*

Now, I am sitting in my bed under the covers, with a cup of ginger tea in my hand, listening to an album of the Salvation Army songster. Very peaceful. I have caught a cold, and decided to stay home from the first class to heal, get enough sleep and not develop my sickness into a fever.
Ginger for my throat, music for my soul.

Outside it's snowing, and it has been for the past 2 hours. It is so beautiful, and I have ever so often looked out the window to see how the roof tops turned more and more white.

I feel blessed and at peace. I will go to my 2 dance classes this afternoon from 12:30 to 3:30.

I am nervous for dance, like I always am, and especially today when I am a bit sick, I don't know how far my body will take me.
But I do know that it will be a good day. It's just a promise, I can never fail to believe.
God takes care of me, and he will give me strength in whatever I need for this day.

I will remember to pray to him, dedicate myself and make my heart his Bethlehem again today.
There's is nothing else I could wish for.

So when I walk out in the beautifully snow-covered streets this morning, I will whisper in my heart a silent prayer to God and ask him to take out my nervous energy, so I can relax and shine in dance - the way I have proven to myself I have the ability to do.

Have a most blessed day.

Why not try to take a regular, long and tiring work day and make it into something beautiful? X

... And then, when I've prayed, and seen my prayers being answered - which they always will in God's time..

I know I have brought myself a step even closer to trusting that I'm in his hands.

*

My favorite worship song: 'I'm in his hands' - a beautiful composition by Stanley E. Ditmer, rearranged by Phil Laeger.