A bench in New York dedicated to my grandma

This morning, when I woke up, I felt at peace.
But sad. It was a vulnerable, graceful morning.
I took out my cross stitch project, that I'm making for my grandma... Or was making.
The project is a long table cloth with a Christmas design on.
I want to finish it for her this Christmas, whether she'll be able to get it or not..

And this morning I got sad, feeling how the warmth of Christmas time with family came closer and closer.. knowing that I this year wouldn't be able to call my grandma and wish her a Merry Christmas (talking about how dull and strange it was without snow in Portugal). And this year, especially, telling her about how beautiful the snow is on Manhattan. Talking about how blessed we are, and recall the many things I have been thankful for this advent.

But even though I shed a couple of tears, it was while being at peace. I wasn't looking for answers through my sorrow. But this Christmas is going to be different.

So much more wonderful, in many ways. For the first time in my life I will celebrate a Christmas, understanding why it is celebrated. I have known the Christmas story my whole life, but this year I know why it's important to me.
That's very special.
And I know my grandma would feel so proud and blessed if that's what I told her over the phone this year.
But this year, I'll tell her from my heart.

*

This Sunday morning, my heart's desire was to seek my grandma and be embraced by the closure and love of God. The love that calms me and brings me at peace, when I'm sad.

"Let's go somewhere together this morning", I whispered to my grandma, "What should we do, just for us?"
I needed a place of peace and with time alone to seek my grandma and the closure of God.

I walked down my street, going west towards the water. Here I found a healing place, I'd not been to before.
A beautiful path ran along the coast of the Hudson river. The Statue of liberty in the distance, but not too far, birds swaying over the water, and the snow kissing the bushes.

When I walked to the edge of the pavement by the coast side, which looked like the railing of a ship, I stopped to breathe in the cold, but healing air.

And standing there, by the bay, I let the words from a beautiful song I'd heard this morning, sink deep into my heart: "The more I seek you, the more I find you. And the more I find you, the more I love you."

Wow, how grateful I was for this special moment, at a place I hadn't been before.
All this, because I'd decided to go out and 'seek'.
This was a perfect moment for me, and I felt that I'd found the warmth in my heart, that I'd seeked this morning.

When I turned around, I noticed a row of bare benches by the snow-filled bushes.
Suddenly, I started tearing up... knowing that I had finally found my grandma's bench..

- Over time, as I have walked through Central Park, I have noticed the names engraved in the benches - benches dedicated to lovers, dear ones or friends in loving memory of them.
I always thought that at some point I would find the perfect bench to dedicate to my grandma.

To be able to engrave her name in a bench in New York City, was very special to me. In this way, I would know that I had brought her with me to the city of our dreams. The bench was the proof for everyone to see that.
The place would have to be special and have a great view.

And standing here by the bay, I knew that I had finally found it.
My grandmas bench was one of the 20 ones in front of me..

I must've taken 20 minutes just starring at them, trying to pick the right one.
I closed my eyes and opened them over and over again, to see which bench stood out most, - which one I could see my grandma sitting in.

I thought I had picked the right one, but when I went and sat down on it, it felt cold and awkward. I prayed to feel her presence, and asked her to show me her bench.

I was frustrated, trying out almost every one of the benches on the same row. They were all the same, and I noticed how each of them had a big chunk of snow of them, just slowly melting off the edge of the wood.

It didn't make sense - my grandma is the light, and her bench would have melted the snow away already.
I looked up to the sky, and asked her to shine down on her bench. But the sun was far behind the clouds, and the sun light here on earth, around me, was grey and cold.

I walked back to the railing, on the other side of the path, lost in my frustration, but determined not to leave until I had found her bench.

Then as I stood there, I noticed that there was an extra row of benches after the bushes, further ahead. But what my eye caught was one particular seat almost at the end of the row.
What caught my eye was that the seat was completely clean of snow, of water, of dirt.

I ran to the bench and sat there, sinking into my grandma's lap. It was complete.

Our view was beautiful. And we had peace.
The statue of liberty, in symbol of freedom was right in front of me. I noticed the big 'Colgate' clock (by the bay in Jersey), which reminded me of how precious time is. The bird's and helicopter's flying back and forth over the river told us that I have the ability to fly.

I let all of that sink in, and sat there with gentle tears dripping down over my chin.
How perfect this was, but sad at the same time.

When I was ready, I twisted over my shoulder and engraved her name myself.
Looking at the back of the bench, I noticed an 'M' in the wood. M for Mette. I think she had put her name there for me. And she had been waiting for me to find it.

Am I the only one who can see the M?

I now have a place I can always come back to. She is always here. Even if I leave the country, she will always be in the city of our dreams.
Closer in my heart than anywhere, of course, but it's nice to know that when I am not dancing or singing for her, - I have given her an amazing view.

*

Manhattan is getting colder, the winter season has truly kicked in.
I have found myself freezing, even though I'm wearing my new boots that go down to -25 degrees!

Christmas is beautiful here, especially the Markle residence!

The nativity is the first thing you see

when you enter the lobby

Snow landscape, lobby

These pictures below are from the first day of snow! I stood in the snow for 10 minutes, sticking my tongue out. It was magical.

From Lincoln center a few days ago when I went to see

'Into the woods' on tape, at the performing arts library.

Some Christmas trees I came by this morning!

My transformed view from school! 

The statue of liberty is covered in the mist and the snow.

*

Right now, as I'm finishing off my blog, the song 'Be born in me' starts playing from a random playlist I had running. This was the song I gave my testimony through the dance on the 1st of advent.

Every moment of the day, signs of love and support are poured over me from heaven.
I just love when I get signs reminding me of that.. even though I didn't ask for them to be reassured.
I love you Farmor.
... Make my heart your Bethlehem, is what I pray every day.
I pray that you will always live in me so strongly and with such a beautiful love as I see is growing in my heart now.

In the song it says, "I'll hold you in the beginning, you will hold me in the end", but grandma, I believe that my heart was made for something greater "You held me in the beginning, I will hold you in the end."

My heart will always be open to you, to live there with me embraced by the love of our God who is always in me - because I chose to make my heart his Bethlehem.