hey dudes, hope you're all good out there. Today it's Saturday in New York City, and I'm chilling in my bed, next to my beast teddy bear and a cozy blanket over my legs that are very much sore from dance class.
I have been obsessed with taking extra dance classes these past few weeks, only because we started being allowed to enter other year's classes... meaning we can attend more than one ballet class a week, as we have scheduled. Seeing no growth has been depressive, because we've only had one class weekly there's so much pressure on finding the time to go over exercises alone and working out alone... but in the end it's difficult to grow when you're not in class to get feedback. I took extra ballet classes with my favorite dance teacher Sara Antkowiak.. she's just such a genious. And I mean I finish school in a month's time, so I'm fluttered, feeling like I should take as many classes now as I can, even if I'm too tired or anything. .. anything to get more experience before the school and money runs out. They eat my money this school, as wonderful as they are... they eat way too much more than necessary, and it's kind of unfair.. so I decided I should fight for it more and actually take everything I have paid for.
Yeah, so school finishing in a month's time is a pretty sad time ahead. I don't find it scary, future and auditions and networking ahead.... no I feel more sad and melancholic about ending such a sweet and intimate time with people that are so dear to me. Doesn't it just feel like yesterday I took off on my adventure to NY? Well, now I am FOR SURE a New Yorker, for sure have an almost clean American accent, for sure feel at home, for sure have grown up ... maybe not completely (because I plan to never do so..).. but definitely much more grown that I ever was and ever imagined I'd be. On so many beautiful levels I've seen the world, and it makes me scared to think of what I'll lose.
I fear not to go new places. I fear to lose my bravery. I fear to be stuck because I don't have money. I fear not to find the people who admire my talent and will help me in the business. I fear that I don't know what I want to do with all my ideas.
I KNOW the key to successful results of your goals is to FOCUS on one thing at a time, and give your all to that goal. That's how I got here. I wouldn't have if I tried to get into training as a therapist, work on getting my music to the radio in Denmark, spend my money on travelling a bit first.. and so much more I probably wanted to do back then.
What's quite overwhelming is that now I just want so much more (literally like the song from the Fantasticks! - a part I could very well play. Please look this musical up if you don't know it, it's the longest running musical - now off-Broadway. Classic, sweet piece.).
So why do I want more now? Because I realize slowly as I get older that there is less time to do them?
Or because I have found more talents and qualities about myself I can offer to the world?
Possibly a mixture of both.. you tell me. How old are you? How much do you dream of still doing? I mean no human desires standing still and not looking forward to any change at all, right? I mean that's just superficial and a cover up, right? I hope you're not one of them. If you think this way, please read ''the artist's way - not just for artist's but intended for every human being. The book takes you through painting, dancing, singing, talking, exploring, questioning and reminiscing things about yourself that you knew and had forgotten, or did know and haven't paid attention to in a while.. or things about your future or even where you stand now, but haven't validated or considered much.
Generally, that's just part of what the book does for me. It's really a gift to human kind.
See, I love those kind of things. Things in life that are almost free, but that have a power, a message, an essence that changes you, awakens you, strengthens you in a way.
I'm talking about things like:
- A phenomenal view (for Christ's sake, take your time to wake up and watch the sunset at least every other month!, find your favorite view around you, and when you walk outside make the decision to keep eyes glued on your device, or look around you, all that God's given you.)
- A poignant piece of music/dance/theatre . How wonderful is it to be given the permission for a little while to dream away and let yourself imagine another time and place where there are other things to fight for and experience.
- A friend. Someone God has definitely sent you so you feel loved, supported and not lonely. I mean is there no greater gift?
.. For me the people I want to thank who have come into my life this month (which has actually been an unusually major gift this month): Charlie & Carol, Mary-Anne, Keziah. I'm forgetting someone I'm sure, because I know I have had a lot more to smile about this month :)
- And other things that I mean are free gifts for you are wise words from a book, an unforgettable street performance, a blessed church morning.
But literally all the knowledge you need is up till this day more and more free. Everything you need to know about playing the guitar, cooking, sewing, self-defense, swimming, travelling is on youtube or some place else. You can have EVERYTHING, do you realize that.. with a little imagination. You can have a fire place in front of you from youtube.. you know? All that is JUST the materialistic things in our lives.. but everything else mentioned above.. I mean wow. Really, free? Those are the real gifts man.. that's what you gotta wish for and go for.
Please be open to find them and receive them.
Bless you all and love and love.
X
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
The Best version of me
I don't want to go to church. I'm tired and I have nothing to say. But that probably means I have tons to pray about. I just want to be home, relax and be surrounded by friends. Talk about 'leavingthenest-phobia'!
Will I ever get Broadway? I think it feels on how hard I work. It's about the quirk, not so much the talent. . When it comes to Broadway. Every one has talent in New York. Only few people do the work that it tales.
Time to pull yourself together a bit, Jasmin.I think you work much harder than you give yourself credit for. But it's true what your crazy brain says, Jasmin. . Sometimes you don't give enough, even if you're giving you're all. . Enough is just when you start pushing boundaries and go way past the limit of what you think you can do. From here on the real magic is discovered.. the kind that goes to Broadway.
I don't want to be like everyone else. .I want to be the best version of me.
Will I ever get Broadway? I think it feels on how hard I work. It's about the quirk, not so much the talent. . When it comes to Broadway. Every one has talent in New York. Only few people do the work that it tales.
Time to pull yourself together a bit, Jasmin.I think you work much harder than you give yourself credit for. But it's true what your crazy brain says, Jasmin. . Sometimes you don't give enough, even if you're giving you're all. . Enough is just when you start pushing boundaries and go way past the limit of what you think you can do. From here on the real magic is discovered.. the kind that goes to Broadway.
I don't want to be like everyone else. .I want to be the best version of me.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
A month ago
Sunday afternoon. I was at church by NY temple this morning, and I gracefully rushed home to get my thoughts into this blog post. Blessed that I had a big thing that I needed to write about. I guess I have had lots of big things I needed to write about.. I just haven't made the time.. or been honest about it.. or been brave enough to share, I guess. No.. not I guess - that's the way it's been.
Church today was so touching and beautiful and heartfelt and hard. That's why I am writing. Because I had to. And a writer has to write... so I must be a writer after all. Even though I don't always give myself the time to be one.
There's been a lot of things going on my mind, and a lot of things I haven't known what to think about and what God wants me to do with it. I have recently talked to my friend Jessica from the markle about how you hear God's voice. It was interesting because I told her.. that I don't think I've ever actually heard his voice before. And she said you shouldn't expect an actual audible voice .. that God's voice is usually that unexpected thing you hear in the back of your heard that tells you what the right thing is to do, or gives you an immediate impulse to change or react to something or when your mind can't be kept off one thing...that seems to be God's voice. And I just said.. well I guess I haven't really learned what is God's voice and what is just me. Sometimes your in conflict with yourself, you know, and you just need time to think things over and you clear your head and make a decision. Well... I guess God is always there, always present and always with us in thoughts.. so no matter what I think he'll always have influenced. But if I let him, right?
Listening for God's voice is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
At the moment I think I have been shedding away a bit.. because I haven't known what to say and how to approach him. I pray with all my heart every day.. but sometimes I think I forget the listening part too.
I forget that my job isn't 'done' when I have cried my burdens out, prayed for who needed prayers, and promised God to fulfill the gifts he gave me for the day. Sometimes there's more.
Recently I have had a very dear friend. So dear, that I was overwhelmed by my friend's presence in my life and what I could give, support and have effect on in return. This is a friend I feel I was brought to by Jesus. Not a beautiful coincidence, but a perfectly planned angelic meeting from God.
Do you have that person that you understood the depth of that bond with? An immediate moment of realizing how beautifully God wanted you to touch each other's lives?
- In reality, what's so ironic, but absolutely astonishing, is that EVERYONE in your life is there for a reason. Brought to you by God, planned for some reason, one way or another. BUT for us mere humans, who only ever understand a billionth part of God's great plan for us, what is SO incredible for us, is when we realize HOW and WHY that person was brought to us. When we understand the calling in our life, when we feel our purpose, when we listen and respond because we know and we want to fulfill and be filled with that grace He has given us in form of a human like us.
It's like seeing God closer, knowing him better, understanding his love and understanding the importance of our relationships with one another, right?
To me that is one of the most beautiful things we could ever experience. I have had many of those cases I'm sure, but recently in my adulthood, as I came to understand them more.. I can look back on just several special cases of important people who were sent as angels for me and vice versa.
It has filled my life with so much more depth and meaning.
First was Armando, my former boyfriend.. and still lover, or person.. a very special who still is in my life. A case I can't explain - but purposely, because we understood how we had been placed next to each other in such a beautiful way, we are in the situation of not being able to let go of one another, even though times may be changing. Some people you can just never let go in your heart in that way. Some people you will always love on that level, because if you didn't you'd forget the gift of God. That's what I see it as. Armando saved me at a time I felt life was hopeless, my gifts were hopeless and I could never be loved in that sense. Just as I'd thought I wanted to put an an end to it, I met him, who seemed to love me in every sense, for all that I was. I knew he was exactly what I needed and he was so good to me, for the time he could. Unfortunately we lived on two different sides of the country and romance doesn't work well that way, especially if you struggle with trusting people and being afraid of being rejected.
But I KNEW that he had been there for a special reason. He was my angel who showed me that life was worth waiting for. That I was beautiful the way I am. That I was lovable the way I am. Finding him at least just to trust that is all the gift I could ask for.
Secondly, I wrote a song that saved a friend who was in deep trouble. I was able to share the holy spirit within me in a way I had never been able to before. I was able to heal, inspire and be a friend that filled an otherwise deep black, hopeless whole. Kerrie has probably been the dearest of my friends when I look back at it, because I felt God holding our hands and protecting us and the trials and fears so profoundly as I never have.
I think there is so much more to tell. I will look for old notes! I realize I have been a busy restless like actress lately, who hasn't taken the time to write home!
xx
Church today was so touching and beautiful and heartfelt and hard. That's why I am writing. Because I had to. And a writer has to write... so I must be a writer after all. Even though I don't always give myself the time to be one.
There's been a lot of things going on my mind, and a lot of things I haven't known what to think about and what God wants me to do with it. I have recently talked to my friend Jessica from the markle about how you hear God's voice. It was interesting because I told her.. that I don't think I've ever actually heard his voice before. And she said you shouldn't expect an actual audible voice .. that God's voice is usually that unexpected thing you hear in the back of your heard that tells you what the right thing is to do, or gives you an immediate impulse to change or react to something or when your mind can't be kept off one thing...that seems to be God's voice. And I just said.. well I guess I haven't really learned what is God's voice and what is just me. Sometimes your in conflict with yourself, you know, and you just need time to think things over and you clear your head and make a decision. Well... I guess God is always there, always present and always with us in thoughts.. so no matter what I think he'll always have influenced. But if I let him, right?
Listening for God's voice is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
At the moment I think I have been shedding away a bit.. because I haven't known what to say and how to approach him. I pray with all my heart every day.. but sometimes I think I forget the listening part too.
I forget that my job isn't 'done' when I have cried my burdens out, prayed for who needed prayers, and promised God to fulfill the gifts he gave me for the day. Sometimes there's more.
Recently I have had a very dear friend. So dear, that I was overwhelmed by my friend's presence in my life and what I could give, support and have effect on in return. This is a friend I feel I was brought to by Jesus. Not a beautiful coincidence, but a perfectly planned angelic meeting from God.
Do you have that person that you understood the depth of that bond with? An immediate moment of realizing how beautifully God wanted you to touch each other's lives?
- In reality, what's so ironic, but absolutely astonishing, is that EVERYONE in your life is there for a reason. Brought to you by God, planned for some reason, one way or another. BUT for us mere humans, who only ever understand a billionth part of God's great plan for us, what is SO incredible for us, is when we realize HOW and WHY that person was brought to us. When we understand the calling in our life, when we feel our purpose, when we listen and respond because we know and we want to fulfill and be filled with that grace He has given us in form of a human like us.
It's like seeing God closer, knowing him better, understanding his love and understanding the importance of our relationships with one another, right?
To me that is one of the most beautiful things we could ever experience. I have had many of those cases I'm sure, but recently in my adulthood, as I came to understand them more.. I can look back on just several special cases of important people who were sent as angels for me and vice versa.
It has filled my life with so much more depth and meaning.
First was Armando, my former boyfriend.. and still lover, or person.. a very special who still is in my life. A case I can't explain - but purposely, because we understood how we had been placed next to each other in such a beautiful way, we are in the situation of not being able to let go of one another, even though times may be changing. Some people you can just never let go in your heart in that way. Some people you will always love on that level, because if you didn't you'd forget the gift of God. That's what I see it as. Armando saved me at a time I felt life was hopeless, my gifts were hopeless and I could never be loved in that sense. Just as I'd thought I wanted to put an an end to it, I met him, who seemed to love me in every sense, for all that I was. I knew he was exactly what I needed and he was so good to me, for the time he could. Unfortunately we lived on two different sides of the country and romance doesn't work well that way, especially if you struggle with trusting people and being afraid of being rejected.
But I KNEW that he had been there for a special reason. He was my angel who showed me that life was worth waiting for. That I was beautiful the way I am. That I was lovable the way I am. Finding him at least just to trust that is all the gift I could ask for.
Secondly, I wrote a song that saved a friend who was in deep trouble. I was able to share the holy spirit within me in a way I had never been able to before. I was able to heal, inspire and be a friend that filled an otherwise deep black, hopeless whole. Kerrie has probably been the dearest of my friends when I look back at it, because I felt God holding our hands and protecting us and the trials and fears so profoundly as I never have.
I think there is so much more to tell. I will look for old notes! I realize I have been a busy restless like actress lately, who hasn't taken the time to write home!
xx
Finally a day to think and recharge
I don't know how to start this post. I started one earlier, but it got lost on another computer.
I am sitting in my room, quite peaceful, and graceful, but slightly lonely. Today was quite fulfilling in all those departments.
For the first time in a long time, I was able to forget about all chores and appointments and 'should-do's'. I was able to sleep in today, first night after the process of rehearsing, learning and performing the musical, Alone in the US, for our reading of it. This went so extraordinarily and I am proud to know I am one step closer to understanding performance and taking best use of and understanding my talents.
I feel quite lonely because I don't have a person at the moment. You know what, I have beautiful friends and some of them are so precious and close to me, but there was nothing like having one person who had it all and that I could give the same thing in return. I miss my best friend Kerrie who moved back to England. We were everything each other needed when we first became friends and it feels empty here without her. She was the closest I ever felt like home to, but so much happens when you become miles apart. You can't try to keep living another place in your mind. I told myself to really take care of myself and remind myself to be in every moment and learn how to enjoy the journey where I am.
Recently I think I've felt a bit lonely - not saying I haven't been happy or pleased with what I was doing - I have just noticed an emptiness that has stuck with me. I have been searching for someone to be my person, I guess. I am so thankful for my best friends here. But none which are unfiltered or unconditional love, and I really need that person that I can tell anything to. From the smallest and weirdest details to stuff that really weighs me down or fills my mind.
Today was an empty day in my calendar where I was supposed to be able to do everything I could want, that I haven't had the time to - instead it became a day where I did nothing. But I think I really needed this. I needed a day to sit home. And today was emotional because I skyped with a lot of family today and it was just a quiet day where I took time to sit with myself.
Already now, I feel kind of sleepy, and it's only 6pm. Tomorrow morning I will be going to church and I feel kind of anxious about it, because I haven't been since I got back from Christmas in Florida and things have been weird with the Wittenbergs. We haven't had much time to talk or miss each other because there's been so much on my plate and on theirs - schedule wise and emotionally with a lot of family passing away, Jake going into the army and Kerrie moving back to England. I look forward to catch up.
I wish I wasn't so open sometimes because I am so vulnerable.. but who cares, I'm an actress they should, and I should get used to it too. I am so done being embarrassed or shy about what I am and stand for. This is my new thing.
If not sing loud enough, what's the point?
I love my NYFA family so much it hurts - in a very good way! What a beautiful journey I've had so far, huh?
I feel drained of energy thinking back on so much. Quite full in heart, but melancholic, as I listen to 'Fields of gold' on my spotify account.
Today I didn't think or do much active things though. I wanted to spend more time in my artist's way course in my book and process a few things, but in the end I think a day of not worrying or thinking too much is a good thing. My brain might hate me if not.
Maybe I'll take a bath later. Watch a musical online, sleep some more, maybe watch Grey's anatomy, maybe write a poem or compose, and sleep some more again. And then I'll spend time with my new friend at the markle, Mary-Anne if she has time. I secretly hope that she will want to be my person in the city too.. just because she is someone I admire and respect and trust a lot. I feel like I could tell her anything, without being judged, and she would understand. But I think I will just be kind and give her what I can and continue being a good neighbor without hoping for too much, because she might go back to South Africa soon for good. Loosing another person might just be a bit too much for me right now.
I'm praying more these days, because in the end I'll probably be more fulfilled feeling loved by Jesus than hope for someone here to give me that close friendship I need right now. Sometimes I wish Jesus would be willing to gossip, sometimes you just need that you know, but I think I better not ask for too much.
Next week I'll be filming my final Acting for Film project, I'll probably start looking over material for my next reading that I'm doing with some of my teachers from school, I will write out to the different territories in the country to look for jobs in the salvation army's performing arts department.
I have been biting me nails like ugly crazy again, and I ask my brain every second to please stop being stressed or nervous about I don't know what...
I am so tired. I think I will get myself to fall asleep to Grey's anatomy now :)
I will be back soon. Promise.
I am sitting in my room, quite peaceful, and graceful, but slightly lonely. Today was quite fulfilling in all those departments.
For the first time in a long time, I was able to forget about all chores and appointments and 'should-do's'. I was able to sleep in today, first night after the process of rehearsing, learning and performing the musical, Alone in the US, for our reading of it. This went so extraordinarily and I am proud to know I am one step closer to understanding performance and taking best use of and understanding my talents.
I feel quite lonely because I don't have a person at the moment. You know what, I have beautiful friends and some of them are so precious and close to me, but there was nothing like having one person who had it all and that I could give the same thing in return. I miss my best friend Kerrie who moved back to England. We were everything each other needed when we first became friends and it feels empty here without her. She was the closest I ever felt like home to, but so much happens when you become miles apart. You can't try to keep living another place in your mind. I told myself to really take care of myself and remind myself to be in every moment and learn how to enjoy the journey where I am.
Recently I think I've felt a bit lonely - not saying I haven't been happy or pleased with what I was doing - I have just noticed an emptiness that has stuck with me. I have been searching for someone to be my person, I guess. I am so thankful for my best friends here. But none which are unfiltered or unconditional love, and I really need that person that I can tell anything to. From the smallest and weirdest details to stuff that really weighs me down or fills my mind.
Today was an empty day in my calendar where I was supposed to be able to do everything I could want, that I haven't had the time to - instead it became a day where I did nothing. But I think I really needed this. I needed a day to sit home. And today was emotional because I skyped with a lot of family today and it was just a quiet day where I took time to sit with myself.
Already now, I feel kind of sleepy, and it's only 6pm. Tomorrow morning I will be going to church and I feel kind of anxious about it, because I haven't been since I got back from Christmas in Florida and things have been weird with the Wittenbergs. We haven't had much time to talk or miss each other because there's been so much on my plate and on theirs - schedule wise and emotionally with a lot of family passing away, Jake going into the army and Kerrie moving back to England. I look forward to catch up.
I wish I wasn't so open sometimes because I am so vulnerable.. but who cares, I'm an actress they should, and I should get used to it too. I am so done being embarrassed or shy about what I am and stand for. This is my new thing.
If not sing loud enough, what's the point?
*
I feel so emotional about my graduation coming up... not being at NYFA every day and spending time with my favorite people in this city every hour seems like an impossible thing to do. Which I know it isn't, I just need to rearrange and understand a few parts of how to go about in my life before that. Or maybe it'll hit right that day, and I'll take it as it comes... as we do with most things in life... and that's how it'll be, I know it.I love my NYFA family so much it hurts - in a very good way! What a beautiful journey I've had so far, huh?
I feel drained of energy thinking back on so much. Quite full in heart, but melancholic, as I listen to 'Fields of gold' on my spotify account.
Today I didn't think or do much active things though. I wanted to spend more time in my artist's way course in my book and process a few things, but in the end I think a day of not worrying or thinking too much is a good thing. My brain might hate me if not.
Maybe I'll take a bath later. Watch a musical online, sleep some more, maybe watch Grey's anatomy, maybe write a poem or compose, and sleep some more again. And then I'll spend time with my new friend at the markle, Mary-Anne if she has time. I secretly hope that she will want to be my person in the city too.. just because she is someone I admire and respect and trust a lot. I feel like I could tell her anything, without being judged, and she would understand. But I think I will just be kind and give her what I can and continue being a good neighbor without hoping for too much, because she might go back to South Africa soon for good. Loosing another person might just be a bit too much for me right now.
I'm praying more these days, because in the end I'll probably be more fulfilled feeling loved by Jesus than hope for someone here to give me that close friendship I need right now. Sometimes I wish Jesus would be willing to gossip, sometimes you just need that you know, but I think I better not ask for too much.
Next week I'll be filming my final Acting for Film project, I'll probably start looking over material for my next reading that I'm doing with some of my teachers from school, I will write out to the different territories in the country to look for jobs in the salvation army's performing arts department.
I have been biting me nails like ugly crazy again, and I ask my brain every second to please stop being stressed or nervous about I don't know what...
I am so tired. I think I will get myself to fall asleep to Grey's anatomy now :)
I will be back soon. Promise.
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