Extreme autumn day

Today it was even more an autumn day!

I woke up really cold in bed - even though I had long sleeves from top to bottom and I had 3 blankets over me. : /
During my breakfast in the dining room this morning, rain was dripping down through a big part of the roof.
So yes - I got to use my umbrella today.. on the 2 minute walk to the subway...

On my way out the subway in the other end, I saw a man wearing a shower cap over his tall black hat! I had to laugh, because the sight was hilarious! And it was interesting to see what kind of mood people got in, in this weather change.

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Today I am starting with my two dance classes, and my intention is not to try too hard! I have a feeling that I struggle and get nervous when I think too much about whether I am doing every single thing right. It's that release that is needed for me to fully enjoy the class.

- Our jazz class tuesday this week was so much fun! Our teacher is so cool, and she just focused on giving us the time of our lives! In the warm up she'd for instance make us go through isolations (moving one part of your body in one motion without moving any other body parts), and after that she'd give us 16 counts to shake our bums like mad!!
And I just let go and had fun.
By the end of the class we stood in a circle and everyone had to go in the middle. It was like a high school party, and we all had so much fun!

Our jazz class today was so much fun too! We had a third substitute teacher, and he was very good with us and getting everyone on the team. He had so much energy and I loved his choreography.
For the first time today, I could go through all the steps in both classes, and just focus on extending them or fixing minor details.
It's easier when you relax. And our ballet teacher thought we did well, seeing most of the stuff she made us do was totally new for us.
I'm overall glad about my effort today, and that's a huge step!

Today I just felt like I had more energy, and I think I'm a step more ahead of getting on top of my intensive schedule.

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Our new building at Battery Park is really beginning to take shape.
Today they installed water ponds on every floor, so you don't have to fight for filling up your water bottle at the only cold water tap the school had on the 5th floor, between the two dance classes.
Today they have put out photographs and film posters, which they've begun to hang on every bare part of the many white walls.

Just like the building is beginning to take its shape, I think the students are too.
The walls of fear are beginning to break down, the masks are beginning to come off, and the minds are beginning to be more calm.
It is my experience that everyone was pushed through an overwhelming and at times turbulent period of therapy.

We couldn't enter the classroom with the shields we carry in the real world.
We had to be open and honest, while being pushed, called out and looked at intensively.
We were sent out on the field without our weapons or shields - we just had to believe we'd survive as the wonderful people we were made to be, and not break down from the weapons that hit us on the way.

This was our personal war of daring to go the distance across the field.
And going to war with no other preparation but lighting up the sun inside us and believing in ourselves.
And for some, this was difficult - because they didn't believe in themselves or they were too shy to show the sun.
Some had been told the If we weren't vulnerable - we were cheating.
Realizing that we don't need weapons. 

And how beautiful is that.
When no-one in the room pretends to be someone else, everyone is together in being themselves.
And even though we'd still be in the same room, if we all pretended to be stronger than we were; we might feel stronger on the outside, but then alone on the inside.

Just now, while spending my break writing this post in the student's lounge - someone like me from the school broke out in tears in front of everyone.
I took out my head phones, because I thought her grandma had died or something like that, and I wanted to the supportive friend. But a couple of other friends around me turned to her, and she admitted that the tears were pure frustration. She was too hard on herself (just like I am), and she was frustrated with not getting the dance steps right in ballet today.

How revealing that must have been for her - to have her friends tell her she'll get the dance steps in time - not the first day we learn them. And how revealing for me.

Because, something like this is another step forward for all of us. 
- In the past weeks, whenever you couldn't hold your tears in and you were too scared to show them in class; the bathroom was the safest place.
If it wasn't me crying, someone else sniffled in the locker beside me - all from the pressure and the difficulty of opening up vulnerably.

But truth is - the bathroom is not the safest place. The teachers continuously tell us that our classroom is the safest place in New York! Most of the times the class has just laughed slightly, trying to believe it.
Because our safe place was a private place, where we could be alone, like running to the bathroom.
But truth is - it's not a safe place, it's a hiding place.

The same person who just cried told us her story about one time in ballet where she found herself 'dancing' for the first time, and not just trying to get the technique right. She had never done the dance routine right on the floor, until she threw herself into it - and she mentioned how the teacher gazed at her, thrilled at the progress. She just threw herself into it, even though she wasn't sure of the steps, she said.
And my good friend, who's the absolute best dancer on our team then said:
"And that's where it goes right."

It takes a while to trust it, but once I learn to trust it completely - I know I've never made a safer decision.

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I hope that the personal suns come along in these next weeks, just as beautifully as the interior design in the Battery park building.
Every new day has been easier in some ways, and 10 x more difficult in other ways. But every new day - those days I let myself be affected - I know I am a step closer to being comfortable in myself. And not taking my shield to school becomes a natural part of me, that in the end harms me more than it helps. Every day I'm more myself. - It sounds silly doesn't it?! .. but how true it is!

I hope that everyone who reads this understand how precious you are, by just being you.

So, please, take off your mask. It ruins our world and makes people small.
Please, don't hide yourself.

Much love, Jasmin

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