Honestly, this post is a mixture of thoughts from these days, and also a post I've been working on over the past 3 weeks. So I'm glad that once this post is out, I can send faster updates on what's actually happening right now!
Hope all is good with everyone. X
I still haven't gotten much mail!
- See how happy and optimistic I look in my new autumn colors?!
("Will there be a letter in my mail box tomorrow
when I return from school?")
It's gotten really cold - as in it doesn't randomly swing back to 30 degrees anymore, like it did the first month I was here.. so now I'll be diggin' my sweater style!
*
Sometimes when I walk along my street, I'll study the windows, through to the people working with jobs that are completely different to what I do.Sometimes I look at the little kinder garden on my street, and while the children neatly stand in pairs to go on a trip, I'll see a young girl my age making sure they each have a hand to hold, zipping up their jackets, finding a tissue to blow their runny noses and laughing politely at their silly jokes.
Gosh. It looks so nice. I wish I had it so easy.
Just for a day, I wish my day was all about fun and adventure.
I wish I had it as easy as that young girl.
And I really, really don't like having these thoughts.
It makes me feel like I can't focus on what I do. And I feel stupid for not thinking, "Gosh it looks boring, I can't wait to go to school and do what I do".
But maybe it's okay to have these thoughts. It doesn't mean I'm stupid. Maybe not focused enough (which is why I am up at 2 am in the morning having myself think it over and over, and finally writing it out on paper).
It's okay that I have these thoughts, because school is not easy. I especially battle with myself in the dance classes, because I am not trusting my abilities and I find it difficult to let go physically.
So ignoring this major battle that's going on at them moment, would be stupid. Ignoring that school is in fact unbelievably challenging, would be robotized.
Over the past week I've thought of why I felt this way, looking through the windows.
Why I feel it's such a challenge to go to school.
- Because I think that like every one else, I am drawn to doing the things that make me happy. And experiencing difficulties in this (which are things that make me sad), it makes me doubt that I'm doing what really makes me happy.
But you don't just get happy. yeah? again.. it sounds obvious. But when you're in the battle, do you always see it that clear?
Do you always trust that the sad things are there for the happy things to work out?
What's weird about this emotional struggle is that no matter how often I have these thoughts and no matter how serious I may feel about me not being ready to carry on, I just keep going.
Maybe because I have to. I have a schedule to keep up with and the teachers encourage me to always prepare for every class. Nothing stops me from attending and working intensively with interpretating that song for Kristy's class.
Or maybe it's just me that keep going on.
I could take a break if I wanted to. There are already students who miss their classes, because they are too overwhelmed or pressured. People have been sick, and stayed home.
I am sick now (from the heavy change in the air to autumn). But I went to school 2 days in a row with a fever.
- I just keep on walking, even though I'm not always in a steady track of my footsteps. I even don't always see myself taking the steps. But somehow, I just keep walking.
And I don't look back. If I doubt my path, it's never been to turn back around 180 degrees.
There's nothing behind me I want to return to. There's not a single part of my past I think of saying: "I wish I was there. I wish I still had that job. I wish I was still at that school."
No - there's nothing for me in my track, behind me.
So this leaves it to two more possibilities: either I stand completely still, or I move forward. And did I not just point out how I never stood still?
From knowing myself, I doubt in myself in the times I want to be sure of my next step. I am a person who always want to be the best prepared.
As an actress, however, I have been told that always being sure of every move is killing your abilities to live in the present. Because you don't allow yourself to let go.
So maybe the challenge is that I must learn to let go.
My problem is that I won't face things I'm not very good at. Dancing is my third strength out of the three disciplines.
I enjoy singing more ...because I'm better at it. And when we have our ensemble sessions singing in choir, I don't need to record my voice part, because I can read music and having sung in big choirs for many years, my muscle memory will copy what's on the sheet music after singing it through max 2 times.
In our vocal classes, I feel more proud, because I achieve the technique we're asked to do in 2 seconds, even though some of the things are exercises I've never tried before - because my voice just has that, and I am so sure of my self on that point that I am an extreme fast learner.
Some are still looking for the placement of their ligid voice so they can sing 'My favorite things', but after the class I went home and sang Italian arias without squealing for the high notes.
But if I was told I had to learn how to paint like my great great grandfather Paul Gauguin, I think I would sit down a few times and have a go at it .. but then forget about it, and just deal with my art teacher being let down.. because I'd feel like I'd never reach that standard of perfection.
- and then I'd most likely go home and write an excellent song about the stress from that.
But the point I'm trying to make is that along the way to achieving your goals, there are always less fun things you must do too, to fulfill it.
None of my dream roles are from the big dance shows like A chorus line, Hairspray, Chicago, Newsies, The Lion King, Mamma mia. Awesome shows! - that I love to watch, but have never had a passion to do.
But doing musical theatre, I just have to go through all aspects of it. That's the way it is. Not getting the 'all-round' experience would just limit my job possibilities later on in life, anyway.
So as I mentioned in my point earlier on, there are always less fun things in the bigger picture. Then, why not try to get the best out of them too?
If it's something you have to do, you might as well be good to yourself and let yourself take it in with best intentions.
And the fact is, when I enjoy dancing.. I love it.
*
I'd now like to share one of the most inspiring parts of my schedule. Meisner classes! So much has been going on, and I - including my fellow students have all developed so much and learnt profound things in ourselves.
The repetition exercise in Meisner has now been taken to a new level.
While still repeating each other and continuously reading off your partner, you have to do an activity.
1.) The activity has to have a clear standard of perfection.
2.) The activity must be physically challenging - but not on a strenuous level.
Here are few examples of what you could do:
- Taping together a map, that has been torn into 100 pieces
- Painting the Mona Lisa, so it looks exactly like the original
- Sewing together a teddy bear perfectly, that has both the legs and arms ripped off
- Gluing together a broken tea cup, so it's not visible it has been broken
- Joggling with 5 balls in the air, without dropping them
- Doing a triple pirouette and landing perfectly
3.) When the exercise it found, you need to find a reason that explains why it is so important and urgent to finish the exercise.
It has to be related to something personal. Real life characters - family members or friends that mean a lot to you personally. In this way it evokes deep feelings in you - good or bad - if you can't complete the exercise, as you're supposed to (it sound complicated, I know - but you'll see where this leads to, once I talk about my specific examples).
There has to be a goal you want to reach, a battle you fight for. The goal has to be almost as important as life/death.
- Your made-up circumstances may be that your mum is sick in hospital, and you need to tape together the map so you can find your way and see her the last time, before she dies.
- It might be that you have a call back audition for your dream role, your singing and acting was perfect, but they need you to do a triple pirouette, otherwise you won't get the part.
- It may be that your brother has been diagnosed Alzheimers, and the only way he remembers you as his sister, is when you show up with that teddy bear you once gave him for his 6th birthday.
To be fully engaged in this exercise, it requires that you are willing to accept the made up circumstances. With that being said, it doesn't mean you have to believe it will happen, but you need to accept them for the time, and live under the circumstances, as if they were true.
And this is where the magic happens. Because accepting your specific goal, evokes a fight with truthful feelings. - The part that isn't made up. When acting becomes real, and not just a made up.
Here is what was set up for me the last couple of times:
1.) The paper with directions -
What: A class member wrote a long page of directions for a specific place in Rio, Brazil. The paper was then torn in dozens of pieces and put on a pile in front of me on the table. My task was to stick it back together, so I could read and understand the directions.
Why did I have to do it: I was on holiday with my mum and her friend in Rio. One day, my mum got kidnapped by a Brazilian gang. They had sent me some awful pictures of my mum, where I could see her beat up face. They wrote me a letter saying that I could get my mum back, by paying an enormous amount of money. In the letter they sent the directions to the place where they kept my mum as hostage. My mum's friend who was very rich, was my only hope - but she refused to help, since she felt it was hopeless and too dangerous. To prevent me from going, she'd torn up the paper with the directions.
- My teacher threw this story at me, and instructed me to close my eyes and think about how I'd feel in this situation. Think about those pictures you saw of your mum, he said. Think about what the last thing you said to your mum was, before they violently dragged her out of your sight, he said.
..Do you have something you need to do?
Yes.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and determinedly started to match the many pieces of paper together.
It didn't go very well. The pieces were so small, but most of all I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts to just doing this freaking puzzle. Just when I felt I'd begun being focused and relaxed in this task.. the door knocked.
So I had to leave the puzzle and go and see who it was.
My scene partner stood outside, with her stupid smile "may I come in". I didn't have time for this, and I didn't need her to come in, I was in the middle of something important.
But I had to repeat her words, and start a conversation - that was the Meisner exercise.
She just kept standing outside with her bubly eyes, so eventually I just opened the door so she could come in and sit - or whatever her wish was, but to then return to my puzzle.
You look really focused, she said
I look really focused, I said
You're ignoring me (angrily)
I'm ignoring you (with an 'I really don't care tone')
You're cold!
I'm cold? (offended)
I just really need to fix this (explaining)
You just really need to fix this (understanding)
yeah (quietly)
yeah
- How is Jasmin feeling right now, my teacher said. She got all quiet.
You look sad, my scene partner said
I look sad (sigh)
deep breath
deep breath
This is so hard, I said
This is so hard (scene partner nodding)
Yes! I got one two pieces right! (cheering up)
Yes! you got two pieces right
I am getting somewhere (hopeful)
You're getting somewhere! (supporting)
I just need to find the red line on the paper
You just need to find the red line on the paper! (and she starts looking for the red line with me)
Suddenly she's not so distracting anymore to this task, and in the moment I felt like I was finally getting somewhere.
- Until my teacher, without me knowing it, asks her to blow all the pieces away.
Absolutely shocked, I just starred at the pieces on the floor with my mouth wide open. and my arms wide out to the side
Arrh! (I screamed with my arms out to the side)
Arrh! (my partner replied)
An impulse of anger quickly rushed up my body - if I hadn't thought about controlling my reaction, I could have hit the girl and thrown her to the floor.
But the impulse stopped right around my chest, like a huge knot tying me up.
Starting a fight wouldn't help me at this point.
I took a deep breath and controlled my mind to focus on what was important at this time; collecting the pieces together once again and starting all over. But when I knelt over to the floor, to get the pieces that had fallen below my chair, the knot from my chest untied and fell out on the floor as a huge cry. And through the many tears that I had no control of whatsoever, I managed to shout to my partner
You can't just do that!
I can't just do that?
No!!! You'd just helped me!, I screamed
That feeling of betrayal seemed so enormous. But in the back of my mind, from knowing the important circumstances; the frustration and crying had come from feeling helpless in this situation with saving my mother.
Every single piece of the torn up paper, signaled how far away I was from seeing her again.
At this point I was crying so much, that I couldn't see through my eyes. So I took a deep breath and wiped them away, so I could see the pieces in front of me.
I am gonna get this done (I whispered to myself)
You are gonna get this done!, the scene partner said.
.. And then our teacher cut the scene.
WOW! He said, I definitely know which actor I would get, if I needed a strong change of reaction in a few second for a scene.
The best thing about this repetition exercise, is that the scene develops according to what happens now. You can't plan it, you've got to just let it happen.
What was fantastic about the scene was that I took myself by surprise, by all the big reactions. I didn't control anything. I just knew my case and the urgent circumstances.
But this only happened because I accepted the made up circumstances.
And as I've liked to say several times before - 'this is where the magic happens'!
I brought the pieces of the puzzle back home with me. Not having finished it, bugged me
When I got back home, I spend hours with it. I could rest, the minute I could read the directions.
Maybe I'll go there one day (apparently the directions were for a cinema in Rio!).
They hang on my wall by the door, so I am every day reminded of my will power and ability to never stop working towards my goal.
In times when I don't feel like this is me, I'll look at the puzzle, and be proud.
2.) The cut up plastic flower -
(prepared and thought through for hmw)
What:
I had cut off all the leaves of a plastic flower. My task was to sew all the leaves back on, so that it looked perfect again.
Why:
I had left a pile of papers on the living room table - sheet music for my call back audition to the role of Christine on Broadway. My youngest sister had found the papers, not realizing there were notes on them, thinking she could use them for her paper art. So when I crossed the living room, I found my sheet music cut up, colored, glued together in funny shapes and sprinkled with glitter! The sheet music was directly from the composer, so they were nowhere to be found in a nearby library, and my audition was tomorrow, so I wouldn't have time to request another pile.
Unbelievably mad at my sister for what she had done, I went to her room and found a random plastic flower on her desk (one I thought was cheap and unimportant). I went back to my sister and said teasingly: "what would you say if I did this?", and I cut up the plastic flower in front of her.
But my sister burst into tears, and my mum rushed to the room shouting "You did not just do that". Apparently, the plastic flower was of much importance. It was the most important part of her costume for her first performance on the Royal Ballet stage. A flower for her hair, which her teacher had told the children in the class to take care of - because they only had one of them for each.
- A heartbreaking story, so I knew I had to sew together the flower, even how impossible it seemed.
The scene was crazy. I was so focused on having to sew the flower together, but I kept getting interrupt. One scene partner knocked on the door. For some reason, she needed a shoulder to cry on, because she was sad about something. I didn't want to seem like a bad person, but I really didn't have time for her. I let her in anyhow, but let her know that I was busy.
She sat beside me with her puffy dog eyes, waiting for sympathy. I didn't give in, - I couldn't put down the needle. There was this task i had to do.
Apparently, she was cheered up by the 'ridiculousness' in my project.
She started laughing. You have flowers pedals all over the table.
Yes, I have flower pedals all over the table.
It's funny
It's funny? (annoyed) You don't get it
I don't get it?
And then she looked all sad again, as if I hit something precious. She was very vulnerable, but I had no idea why.
You just look so sad.
I just look so sad? (and she started tearing up)
No please don't cry!!
Just when I thought I'd met enough frustration already, there was another knock on the door (and truly and unexpected one for me as the actress, because we are usually only two people up).
By that time I had gotten the sewing thread through the plastic flower, and I was just prepared to send the next person away from the door.
But as soon as I opened the door slightly, just to see who was on the other side, the person ran inside the room, without even asking permission to enter.
hey?!
hey?
YEAH? You can't just enter without asking permission?
I can't just enter without asking permission??
No!?
No? (making fun of me)
I have something I need to do, now can you please go. Both of you.
No! (stubbornly stands still starring at me)
No? (surprised and annoyed)
Jasmin, I need you to come with me! (urgently)
You need me to come with you?
Yes, it's important.
It's important. Well I have something important. (I said, still without taking my eyes off the sewing project)
I am gonna be expelled, because you told the headmaster I stole from a shop (my partner suddenly yells)
You're gonna be expelled, because I told the headmaster you stole from a shop?? (laughing)
Yes, Jasmin!
Yes, Jasmin? that's ridiculous.
That's ridiculous?
Yes, that's ridiculous!
You don't care? (my scene partner starts to look frazzled from trying to convince me to go with her)
No, I really don't care
Are you serious you don't care that I'm gonna be expelled?
Yes, because it's not true. And I need to sew this flower together! (I said stubbornly)
AARGH! (scene partner shouts and without warning blows all the flower pedals off the table)
I got SO mad. I rushed up and pushed her all the way to the door, fought with her trying to push herself back into the room, and eventually shut the door in her face.
This is my house (I shouted), you have no right to do that!
I have no right to do that?
No!
No?
Go away!
Go away?
Just shssh!
shsh?
- I just tried to ignore her, but then when I returned to the table with the flower in my hand, the other scene partner was just sitting there laughing about the whole situation.
What you think this is funny?! (I said)
I think this is funny!
You don't get it, I really need to get this done (I said in a serious tone, while trying to settle and be focused on my project)
You really need to get this done?
I really need to get this done! (deep breath)
- And then my teacher asked me to close my eyes and imagine what would happen if my sister would show up to the show tomorrow, without the flower. Would she be dismissed? Would she be put in the very back? Would she not be considered for the next performance, because she couldn't prove being responsible for one thing?
- And think about the part she'd like to dance the most.
I couldn't bare to think about the consequences. I knew how much this performance meant to her, and I personally knew how important that feeling was.
And it would all be my fault! Cotadinha Catarina!
- Jasmin, do you have something you need to do, my teacher said.
Yes! And I opened my eyes that were now slightly misted. But I would not cry about this problem. After all, I was the big sister, - so I had to have control of the situation.
You got sad
I got sad (whispering)
- And then my teacher ended the scene!
And I was out of the Meisner exercise, and back to life.
I knew my sister is fine in real life, and I know she did brilliant in her ballet performance last week. She will shine even more in the Nutcracker this December - her first big classical production!
(Jeg elsker dig, Cata. Stor kys!)
Even though I like those circumstances a lot more than the made up ones ;).. I love Meisner!
What I loved our teacher said to us one day was this: "If you're being yourself, you can never be wrong."
That's what I love about acting.
Because you certainly can be wrong in real life.
There is a famous quote, that's painted on the elevator door at my school:
"I love acting. It's so much more than real life." - Oscar Wilde
(The actor's elevator)
This morning, as I walked up from the subway, I once more took a deep breath and tried to relax and focus my mind on the positive things of the day; the inspiration I met in every class - if I paid full attention, the improvement and growing I saw in myself, and not letting the devil in my mind speak; just seeing the struggles I have in mainly dance, the emotional battles I fight in my personal life, that keep being brought up in Meisner classes, the stress from not getting enough sleep, the pressure from always wanting to do my best.
And once again, I demanded myself to just embrace being here where I had always dreamed to be.
But then I thought; it's not like I thought this was gonna be easy anyway. No-one ever promised me that. There is no easy way to do it.
I know it sounds obvious. It's not like 'there is no easy way out in life' is an eyeopener. We've all been prepared for that in our childhood, right?
But do we fully believe it?
Or do we secretly but continuously search for the simple answer. Thinking we're wrong and weak if we feel like we won't get through the obstacles?
I bet that if you could all reply honestly, without judging yourself. It's something we all do.
Even if we don't doubt our strength and our faith in ourselves. No-one dives into a battle or an obstacle by choice - "yes, this is my hobby!..". No.
But I believe we learn to accept them, as we see us learning from them.
So, yes - I'm human... And every day, here in New York, I still think;
Was this the right time?
Did I not start the most difficult career, when I was at my most vulnerable place?
Was that not stupid?
- Could I not have done it better and learnt much more by now, had I been stronger?
So I thought to myself - there is never an easy way out in life. So why should I expect to find an easier way than this.
.. sometimes I think.. - omgosh it would be so much easier if I would be happy teaching pre-school, being a swimming teacher at a sports club or waiting tables in Greenwich village.
But, I said to myself.. "that's not me".
Being an artist wasn't a choice I made, because I thought it would be the most fun way to spend my life. I never went through a list of pros and cons with 'artist', 'nurse', 'psychologist', 'chef', 'vet', 'teacher'. They are all things I could do, if I wanted to. I sometimes said for fun, "If I couldn't sing, I would be a psychologist". But it was nothing more than a joke and an interesting glare at what my life would be like then.
But I have a voice. And I have thoughts. Thoughts and opinions and feelings and needs and hopes that I need to express.
On my school essay about 'Why I want to perform', I said; Performing was not something I decided to pursue, because I thought it would be fun. It was something I felt a call to do.
And I must never forget that line.
Because it's just who I am.
I might as well realize that. And accept it.
No Jasmin, you sure didn't come to the world with easy needs!
So why would I spend time being hard on myself? Denying that's who I am?
We should be our own best friend. But we sure are too our own worst enemy.
- So we might as well choose to be good to ourselves.
And it's such an obvious and known fact that no performers have had it the easy way. Acting takes such an amount of braveness, because it's personal and vulnerable.
Sharing a story onstage is probably the most nerve wrecking thing to do... But it's also the most wonderful.
Being an artist is tough. You give your soul for the world to see, you'll be judged and .
But there's one single reason why artists survive both the inner and outer battles; because their love for art is indescribable.
..Because when they sing that high note on a spin, finish that sunset with the paintbrush, do a triple pirouette and land in arabesque, say the monologue that brings them to tears from the first line - it's probably the closest they'll ever feel to heaven.
