My new year's resolution, and stay in trust

Getting ready to leave before going to church, I felt like I needed to do a few things in order to prepare myself for the celebration of this new year.

In my soul I felt kind of unsettled, because I had no idea how to greet this new year. I didn't have any clue of what my new year's resolution should be.
And I felt like I needed a moment to look back at the year that had just passed.
Taking a moment to show gratitude for the experiences and the ways I'd grown in a whole year, as well as showing gratitude towards the experiences I would expect in a whole new year.

2014 would probably be even more packed and growing than my 2013 had been.
So many things to grab on to and things to decide.
Going into 2014, without knowing what I want from it, felt really unsettling.

I had time to look nice, to please myself, - I knew that was an important thing.
While dressing up and putting on a set of sapphire earrings and necklace, that my grandma gifted to me when I was 8, I sat in my room all to myself, - just allowing it to be quiet and embracing the time I had in my hands now.... before the clock would be rolled all the way back to page 1 out of 365.

I hadn't found time to read the last scriptures of this year in my one year bible, this morning.. so I placed myself by the desk and read psalm number 150. The last psalm of the bible:

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heaven!
2 Praise him for his mighty works;
    praise his unequaled greatness!
3 Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
    praise him with the lyre and harp!
4 Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
    praise him with strings and flutes!
5 Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
    praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
6 Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!

Praise the Lord!

And as I underlined "Let everything that breathes sing praises", I realized that that's what it was all really about.

Even through the difficult times and bad times for David, he still starts and ends every single one of his psalms with "Praise the Lord". From then on you can see his whole attitude and way of thinking is changed by those very words.
Trusting in them has such a power, that all is transformed.

So as I went to church, I thought. Let it all be about him.
My new year's resolution should be about growing in his love, and trusting him only.
- And I hoped that I would learn more about this in church evening.

The new testament scripture said:

On each side of the river grew a tree of life.

As a final eye-opener after the psalm I'd just read, I understood that there is not only one possible tree of life for me. There is growing one right now at each side of the river - just as strong and beautiful, but in different places.

I had found the first resolution. As the first bullet point on my list of New Year's resolutions, I wrote:

• I promise to follow my heart, and not what I thought was right

....And as I read the rest of the scriptures of December 31st during church, I saw this devotion growing and growing.

The proverbs said:

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.

This was who God wants to see me be.
How great it would be to be a model for other people to look upon.
A visible 'heart of Bethlehem', for everyone to be reminded of the importance of a true and pure heart.

And I was reminded that the one who loves us above all, doesn't want us to fear the future.
And I remembered, "The days I cannot see, have all been planned for me."
Because - I'm in his hands.

And the rest of my scripture from Revelation 22 said:

I am the bright morning star.

He who is the faithful witness to all these things says "Amen! Come, Lord Jesus!"

 - This told me to prepare my heart, and be ready to make my heart his Bethlehem.

Everything you have heard and seen is trustworthy and true.

I felt this as a reminder speaking to the days when I am not as strong in faith - and therefore not as strong in myself, in fear or anger or frustration... everything that God has taught me, all he has provided for me, and all the ways he has made me stronger.. his promise to love me and let me rely on him forever - is all something I saw and felt not long ago, when I was in the darkest pit of my life, and I newly discovered my faith. ALL THAT is trustworthy and true.
Standing out as some of the most difficult, but strongest days of my life - they have carried me forward because of what I heard and saw.

And as a second bullet point on my list of new year's resolutions, I wrote:

• Keep me in your faith, Jesus. I will follow you.

The old testament scriptures from Malachi chapter 3-4 said:

I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in!

So, after promising to trust in him, I look forward to with the greatest anticipation to be showered by his blessings he planned for me in 2014.

*

10 minutes before midnight, and I am dead scared, almost frantic. Really nervous for how I will grab on to this new year.

Bekah and I had a long and deep talk in our room, the hour before midnight. We tried to figure out what our new year's resolutions were. What thinks we should expect of this new year. Most of all - what we should expect of ourselves.

I told her about how tough school had been this last semester, and how I was afraid I couldn't take it all in, the way I hoped to.

I know this year will bring many big things - decisions I will have to take. Will I be able to stay, or do I have to work in between semesters?

- Working in NY with the Salvation Army for a summer camp more teaching or office work, California finding a job with my best friend in film or anything else that pays, a spontaneous departure to Rio in any kind of job that needs my help, waiting tables in Portugal staying with my granddad and helping him, Back to old jobs in Denmark....

This is the list that has been running through my mind.

Where is my heart?

As we were walking slowly up the stairs from the basement, emerging the 10 second count down to 2014, I said to Bekah:

"You know I have all through the semester been able to go make it through the day only by praying to God. And I'd just love if I could wake up and not have to do that - already being strong enough to do it myself."

And Bekah said:

"But maybe that is the whole point. Maybe God planned it this way, so you would bring yourself closer to God."

And it all really made so much sense.

And it really made me smile right from the bottom of my heart.

So I think the two New Year's resolutions I wrote earlier are perfect for me this year.

They're all I need.

*

Bekah is standing beside me upstairs, we're both holding a glass of children's champagne, wearing our silly new year's diadems. Leaning up against each other, tucking her arm. Deep breath and calm yourselves.

At one point I was on the edge to crying. I was so scared.

Wild.

But I think I expect too much of myself, I think I want to have things planned out.

And I think this coming year is the most nerve wrecking year for me.

I am afraid of failing myself.

But now, when I think back ... I have NEVER failed myself. I am not the type that regrets things in my life. I have always chosen from my heart, and I have never forgotten what meant the most to me - no matter what they were; those were the things I worked towards.

.. and now - with God in my hands, like I have come to know him throughout this last half year.. I think there's even less to worry about.

I won't fail. I might experience a change of heart. But the unevenness in my thoughts, will always be in the hand of God.

And as I wrote a few lines above 'Where is my heart?'

My heart is always with me! Where else would it be? ;)

I just need to love carrying it with me.

*

Just took a shower. Clean for a new year. Now in bed, just giving myself the pleasure of resting. Finding the peace that I need so much.

Be blessed all of you. Deep thoughts and prayers to you. Many kisses. Lots of love to family.

X

The weekend in winter wonderland, Wisconsin

Grandma's house in Wisconsin. In the small town Chippawa falls, a native Indian place. All the names are Indian, and some places you still see the left pieces of the Indian cultures. - like the pole in Bekah's grandma's garden, towards the river.

Wisconsin is also where the little house on the prairie takes place. Out in the country, mostly farms. And land that stretches miles and miles far out, a big open country paradise. In the winter.. this place is winter wonderland.
Very idyllic.

Here's the house:

Grandma's garden. The benches have a view of the Chippawa river

A little playhouse!

Guess who played in it? :p

- this reminded me so much of the playhouse we have in

Sweden, mormor og morfar <3

Just outside Grandma Jean's house, by the road

Our daily walk our in the fresh, breathing air

Saturday:

All the cousins went taboganning (a really long wooden sled thar curls up in the front). It was soo much fun. Around the grandmas house, the best hills are tree-covered.. but a couple of years ago they built a kind of deck or plateau form the top of a reaaally steep hill, making a safe track the width of the tabogan. IT was like going on an amusement ride. It was just as scary every time - but SO much fun. We went on it all 6 of us who went out to play in the snow. Soo fuun. Here are some fun pictures. :)

My camera went dead just as I was about to take an action picture of them all in the air!

See? - Little house on the prairie.

After lunch, we went to uncle Dan, aunt Dana's and cousin Geneveve's house, just up the road. They had such a beautiful house, and two really cute dogs.
They were tiny, so tiny you could hold them like a puppy in your arms.. only they weren't puppy's.. but they really looked like puppies - they were clean and had young eyes.
I was sitting on the carpet by the fire, and one of the dogs jumped up in my face and just kept on licking it. A big kiss of love! I found out it was because I had just put on a layer of nivea creme in my face.. but it was licking me for 5 minutes or so.. and the family said he usually wasn't so friendly with new guests.. so I think it was of love too!

I had to work on an application for a Danish scholarship, so I missed gathering with the family for one of my favorite Disney movies - Tangled :/
But I worked hard on something important, so I don't feel bad missing it.. it just sucked not being able to relax a 100 % in my holiday.
That's life.

Saturday night was Christmas with grandparents and all the cousins. Tons of presents were under the tree. The grandparents and each of the aunt and uncle couples had been so kind to find something for me too. I got a really pretty and warm scarf from North face, body lotion and hand sanitizer, and a notebook from Malawi ! (the notebooks that were made from elephant poop ! :p .. they don't smell, or look gross.. they are really pretty and has a vintage/greasy looking color. They are good memories from my time in Malawi 7 years ago)..
In the notebook there were papers and envelopes. I think I will use it to write some letters to old friends <3

Sunday:

I went to aunt Dana and uncle Dan's church this morning. It was a Christian non-denominational church. It felt closer to home, just because there was a great focus on the worship songs and they were more like they are in the Salvation Army. Good experience.

I went to Walmart to look for a smartphone. My uncle offered a smartphone to my 18th birthday.. now that it's been almost 2 years, I finally found a good one, and a good reason to have one. I need it for school to record and listen to songs online all day - so that I don't push all my work towards the end of the day when I get back to my computer in my room! .. a GPS in the city would also be nice..
I looked at Samsung galaxy 3, which has an amazing deal for me. One that I don't have to bind myself to a contract for.
Bekah's uncle helped me to go to the story and talk with all the 'tech-people'! ;)

After that we went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch.
Soo delicious!

Then we went to the movies and saw Frozen. Yay!



So Frozen was really good and there were some amazing songs. It's not a new favorite Disney.. I still like Tangled way more.
I think there are several reason:

1.) There are two main princess characters (really one, but you feel more empathy for the sister, because she is the one who has the biggest development of character, she is the one who fights for her goal - but she fights for her sister...which is the 'main character', and for the romance it's about her too - she is the princess who wins a prince by the end).



2.) The story is too complicated. It is awesome - but it would still take me 5 minutes to tell the story line, and just because there has been worked with so many themes, it is challenging for me to say what the movie is actually about.

3.) The songs aren't by Alan Menken.. not to say any other Disney movie not by Alan Menken isn't good (like The Hunchback of Notre dame, Brother Bear, Mulan).. but Menken just has the sparkle - and the ability to write a heartbreaking beautiful ballad for the main character. 'Let it go' was a good song - but had a more pop-rock feel to it, and it's not one that'll be used for musical theatre auditions.

*

The second part of the day, I took an hour-long nap (wow!) finished my work on the scholarship applications, had a delicious sea food dinner, sang Les Miserables songs for the family - with grandma Jean playing on the piano and grandpa Tom singing along in some of the duets! ;), prepped for the interview with Bekah tomorrow morning (one about our trip to Africa.. live on the local TV here in Wisconsin!)... and the curled back up in bed for some girl talk with Bekah and Sarah, and later on episodes of Grey's Anatomy. - I realized that's also what holiday should be like (just curling up in bed all day).. because when it's back to regular weekdays, you don't even have time to get sick - even in the weekends! There's just no time for it, if it does happen, you are kind of doomed (!).. so let this bed day make up for several sick days in the last bit of the semester.

*

Bedtime, and I continued reading the fairy tale from where Bekah finished off from one of our first nights, 'The Little Mermaid' (the original Hans Christian Andersen tale). Bekah was about to fall asleep, so we still haven't finished it.


The original Hans Christian Andersen version..

Even though we were tired, we fell into a deep talk reminiscing our life in Malawi.
We both really miss it. And we realized that there was a difference in this meeting together.. it was somehow different from what we'd expected. We thought we'd feel the memories of Malawi - 'The warm heart of Africa' so much closer to us.. but being together now, looking back - we realized that we had both grown up. The childhood that we were reminiscing about had passed. Most of the friends from Malawi had moved on in their lives - we wouldn't find them in the same place in SAINTS our high school.. they are all spread around the world now. And we have both been struggling to gather them all, meet and bring together what was to relive the memories.
But see - that's what they are now.. good memories.

We both lay in bed with this melancholic feeling.. sad to realize that it was a time long ago.
Our hearts hadn't had enough of Africa. That's what it is about Africa.
You can never have enough of Africa.
- I can't explain why.. so I won't even try.
But everyone who's been in Africa says that the time there was the best time of their life. And it really was - for me and Bekah.

I was reminded of how I cried myself to sleep every night for 6 months, because I longed so much to go back and because I missed the friends so much - the friends that I knew I'd made for a life-time. But most of all.. without exaggerating the fact that I, as a 13-year old would cry in my pillow every night .. for 6 months.. was because I missed the way life was lived there.
Africa is a place that you learn to love with all your heart. That part of my heart will never shrink. It seems more and more like young memories, yes, but a part of me will always be African.

And from that I learned how your best friends don't have to be by your side. It was difficult being away from them - especially because I came into a really bad class, where the students had no respect for each other and I was bullied every day .. probably because I didn't fall into either of the pop girl, rock boy or emo girl category (which was all the options for the stereotypes they had in my school).
But I pulled through, and all through that time I remembered my true friends.
And in the following summer holidays I saved up to visit the friends from Malawi around the world: Cyprus, England, Scotland, Holland ... and now USA ;)

Ever since I saw how leaving Malawi didn't kill me - but actually created some really strong friendship bonds for me, goodbyes have not been that difficult for me. I remember being in situations where I had to say goodbye to friends, who I didn't know when I'd see again.. or perhaps just for months.. maybe things like the last day of school in my primary and secondary schools in Denmark - the friends have cried in my face, feeling like this was the end of the world.. or for our friendship. But thinking like that was not even in my reach.
And I told them: "We'll see each other again. Sometime. Somewhere.
We'll make it happen. Our paths will cross again, because we're such good friends."

That's just the way the world works, honestly. There's nothing to worry about.
And when we miss each other.. we'll exchange letters and call and tell about our different lives from two different sides of the world.

I'll tell you a secret. - I have not missed a friend for a very long time - missed in a physically painful or heartbroken way. I sometimes wish I was in someone's company, yes. But actually crying because I miss someone, is something I haven't done for as long as I remember.

This is like with my family. I have only ever once cried from been homesick - the day I woke up in Manhattan, because it was new, overwhelming and I was scared. I have not missed my family like I did that day ever since. Not even at Christmas.
I would cry if a terrible accident happened, or the were really sad about something serious.
But not from just missing them.

Because they're in my heart and they are with me the whole time. So it is with all my friends.
That's what matters.
You just have to trust it.

Monday:

Bekah and I had our interview on live television, at weaunews (eau claire, Wisconsin) this morning at 10 am! Watch it here!
We were both really nervous, but we did a great job in the end, and Bekah's grandma was really proud :)
In the interview we talked about what our dad's job was in Africa and in which ways we saw that the people in the bushes needed help - especially in the hygiene and dental area.

We had 3 minutes on air, and it went smooth as we'd hoped. However, we both thought we looked really inconfident ourselves - but when we talked about it and saw it together, we both felt that the other person did a much better job ... which is funny. I think it was a lot of fun. First time on live air ;)
Only 4 months in USA, and I already made it to the big screen! :p

Bekah's grandma took us to a Starbucks treat. Gingerbread latte and banana bread, uuhhhm!

Look how the trees are all frosty!

As we were driving, I also found my home church in Eau Claire, Wisconsin!

There are several Salvation Army's nearby her house, Jean said.

We're already leaving to the next family's house this afternoon - where we shall celebrate New Year's.

*

Right now I am going outside to take a walk on the river .. which is pure ice. It's -20 degrees and But the trees by the river have a sharp ice white color, - frozen to the tip of the branches. They look beautiful, like they open up to a magical snow kingdom.
It looks like steam comes up from the lake - but it is the warmer temperature meeting the ice on the lake. It looks like a national geographic picture - so I want to go get my own pictures! ;)

I want to build a snowman My favorite song from 'Frozen', now that I have the time, run and roll around in the snow, make snow angels for all my dear ones and eat the pure snow off the surface.

We walked from one side of the river to the other. At some points on the river, the layer of snow was almost iceberg hard, but not ice.. so instead of snow balls, we threw 'snowswords' at each other!

Bekah and cousins Geneveve and Sophia out on the ice!

The sun had a gorgeous winter shade

- covered up behind clouds and snow, but strong.

The river. Isn't it beautiful?

Geneveve and I thought of made cartwheels on the snow.

The first layer cracked beneath us. It was fun!

The footsteps on the first part of the river..

..where the snow was melting in layers.

Bekah quickly ran inside, because she wasn't wearing enough clothes

for this weather! - I on the other hand, sat on the bench for quite some minutes.

I have not experienced this kind of quiet for months!

Before our trip further up on the road to the next state of this adventure - Minnesota, we went to the mall to get some things. Bekah has been dealing with snow boots that has wholes in them.. which I don't even want to imagine.. so we will be looking for snow boots.

The sales at the mall was amazing! Tempting. First time I have gone shopping in the states! This is actually not a joke - even though I have been living in New York city for 4 months.. no, I hadn't yet been shopping!

I got three things:
- a peppermint hand soap for $3 (I love the smell)
- a Disney t'shirt with Ariel - $10 (wow the prize and wooow one of my favorite princesses!)
- a pair of shorts made of jeans material for $0.97! (the prize is kind of ridiculous.. especially because I have been wanting a pair of those kind of shorts forever!)

We finished this trip in Wisconsin on TGI Fridays - a VERY AMERICAN restaurant.. that I had not yet been to. I got a VERY AMERICAN hamburger.
Tummy - be blessed!!

Back to the car, we walked for about 3 minutes.. and it took us about 30 minutes to get warmed up with blankets, and jackets and heat in the car.
So one minor detail I forgot to mention is that it has been up to -20 degrees (-30 celsius!) these days.

Strange - I couldn't actually feel much of a difference when it got to the degrees below. The cold is so dry, that it's hard to tell when it gets colder. I couldn't feel the knifes daggering into my bones so much - mostly because I had the best winter's wear that any mankind could wish for!
On the other hand, I could feel the cold when I inhaled. I think I took my asthma spray like 5 times today. If I took too deep of a breath I was in trouble. It was like my lungs were freezing from the inside. And when I wasn't wearing my gloves, I discovered how hard and almost frozen my fingers got in no time - just walking from the car in the garage to the door of the house.
..And when we were outside playing in the snow, I had my hair loose. After throwing snow in the air, showering over our heads, I noticed that the snow that had laid on my hair had turned to ice-cycles, that stuck my hair together.. as if I had stuck it together with honey. My hair stood out like frozen sticks... I thought was really funny.. and interesting.

So, yeah, you learn something new every day.. in the cold.

Just like this (prepare to fall off your chair in laughter - I know you will dad!):

So what happened was it came to an end of the day and I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I went to apply what I thought was tooth past onto my tooth brush. Thought it tasted a bit funny - kind of like soap. But I figured it was the 'American flavor'. But I lived through the night, without thinking further about it.
The next day I woke up at 5 am with a searing ache in my tummy, that made me unable to go back to sleep again.. the tummy ache lasted till 6 pm the same day. I thought it was my left kidney complaining about all the fat and sugar I'd been having over the Christmas holiday.

The following night, I brushed my teeth with the same "tooth paste" that I'd used the night before. Again, I tasted the funny soap flavor. Tonight I was more awake than the night before, and I wasn't tired enough to just bear with it.

At the same moment, I heard Donghee, the exchange student in the Bartz family, asked loudly "Is this toothpaste?". And I heard Lucy reply from the next room "NOOO! That is acne cream!". Donghee, the lucky girl, had escaped from the full experience - she quickly spat out the "tooth paste" in the sink, where I was standing next to her.. with a very uncomfortable feeling. EUWWW!

Through all the pain and suffering . We can all laugh about it now .

In our defense, it had nothing to do with English being our second language.. aunt Laura almost used the same acne cream as tooth paste that morning!
Maybe I should start reading what's on the package.

*

In the car on the road.. we are watching 'Beauty and the Beast' <3
(best.movie.ever!)

We crossed the Mississippi river to go to the new state Minnesota. I thought that was a pretty cool moment of our trip.
Now, in the house of Kroll's. 5 boys in the family.. 3 of their friends.. and then us girls. A big contrast to all the girl cousins in Wisconsin.

Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!
X

A road trip through Chicago to a cabin in Illinois

Today has been a looong day!
We got up early to start our roadtrip to Bekah's grandma's house at 9 am. We wanted to stop for lunch in Chicago and see the city, before going straight to Chippewa falls in Wisconsin, which is where the grandma's house is. In the middle of the forest.... where the wolves wait by the main path to lure us away from finding our goal. .. No, but I got caught in a tale (once again).
The part about grandma in the forest is true though, and I couldn't wait to see the place and the rest of the family.

With a car packed with movies to last for 8 hours on the road, left over candy from Christmas, pillows and drinks, we began our trip through 3 states, around Michigan lake through the boarder of Michigan, Indiana, Illinois and Wisconsin. All in one day!

At noon we stopped in Chicago to see the third largest city in the States (after NY and LA).

Chicago ahead!

An amusement park by the bay

The skyscrapers of Chicago

We parked the car south of Michigan Avenue, and walked up the avenue to see the skyline, crossing the bridge over the river..

Cute christmas bows hanging from the buildings

This was a very cool wall - it had pieces from

the wall of China, Egyptian pyramids and more!

Macy's :) Inside Macy's there were Disney decorations and snowflakes hanging from the roof top. Very cool :D

American girl place - a store with beautiful expensive dolls... I fell in love with one of the dolls called Rebecca.. she reminded me of me when I was little.. <3

We saw 'The Bean' which is a bean-shaped metallic sculpture that shows your reflection.. it is massive and pretty cool to take pictures of.. it's used in a lot of movies.. I recently thought of 'The vow', that has a scene by this sculpture.. when you stand by it you can also see the whole view of what's behind you, meaning the ice rink here in the winter and a big part of the skyline.. pretty cool!

The reflection of the city in the bean. Pretty cool!

Me, Bekah, Lucy, Donghee and Sarah

We found Chicago's Disney store!! YAYYYY!

Olaf - the snowman from Frozen

We had lunch in the mall where Macy was. The line was ridiculous, but we got to the front of the line in a to-go pizza place and finally had some food, after 5 hours in the car and walking! I tried a pizza Chicago-style. The specialty of pizza in Chicago is a mini deep pan. Gotta try the local! ;)

Sarah chose the same as me!

Pizzaaaa :D

On our way back to the car, we had a Starbucks.. yay!!

Bekah with her latte. <3

American chocolate! Hershey's :)

Here's what I saw on the way too.

- Phantom is on the road!!

Also.. on our way back I was lucky to be one of the pedestrians who was handed over a free gift bag. Here's what Lucy, Bekah's little sister, wrote on facebook this evening:

"Whenever I hear or read about those random acts of kindness I get goosebumps and am moved. Well today I experienced one first hand. Walking downtown Chicago Donghee and Jasmin Maria Fonseca Gauguin both got handed free samples of flat bread peanut butter and humus. As we were walking back to the car there was a homeless man, Jasmin stopped and handed that man her free sample. The man just looked at her shocked. After Jasmin gave it to him she said God Bless you and continued walking. That may not have meant much to her but to the man it may have meant the world."

*

I am driving through the night in the car with the Bartz. I am lying against the window with two pillows below me. Very comfy and warm. For a few minutes I think I even fell int o a deep sleep. It is quiet and peaceful, everyone is asleep..except the driver.
And just look at the beautiful sunset. One of the most beautiful I've ever seen - close to the beauty of the African sun!

Being so far away on the road from home in this country, I suddenly get a melancholic feeling. I miss my family. Not mom, dad, Francisco, Zakarias, Clara and Catarina - they are all 7 hours ahead of me now. I don't even know what they are doing.. I know they are alright and growing in love with one another.

I miss my family here, who are only 1 hour ahead of me now. I know what they are doing, and they know where I am and what I'm doing, long before Denmark. I miss coming home to the silly dog that makes disgusting noises in your face and jumps on the couch to snuggle and snore beside you, so no one can hear the TV. I miss the stupid cat, that acts like it's a dog.. and thinks it's a lion, standing on the counter in the kitchen, overlooking the kitchen, while we're cooking. I miss the goofey jokes. I miss the fairy tales and deep talks with tea by the fire. I miss lolling over nothing and learning how the boys talk in NY. I miss the cute face and tiny quiet steps on the stairs. I miss hearing teenage music from closed doors and having a quiet morning, while the younger sleep in. I miss the laughs and girly talks. I miss the tucking me to bed at night and almost falling asleep on a lap, while watching movies till late.I miss the silence, when that's all we need in each other's company - the silence that's only comfortable when you really know each other.

But this missing is not one that prevents me from growing here and enjoying myself here. I wish I could have been more with them for Christmas, I guess.. but I am glad that I always choose the brave and spontaneous, over the safe and usual.
I have seen so much - of places, people, traditions and love - over these past few days.

I guess this just means that I have a place to come home to. It's heartwarming to know that there are arms to come home to, and not a room I have to warm up alone.
....
But for a second I also thought.. they are not really my family.I will never be a part of their family, but I will be a place in their heart. This makes us different when we choose who to be with over the holidays. This differs when emergency comes or just plain priority. And it made me think, that no matter how many hearts I am in, I don't have a family here. I have myself.
If you think you are who you are from your family, you will never be able to move out of those walls.
So your home better be in your heart. You should make home in who you are.
Then you can make a home in whatever family you step into. Not just for yourself, but for them.
You need to represent YOUR home to the world.

I am glad I figured this out at this age.

Make your heart your home.

*

Lying in bed, finishing off my blog, Bekah just came into the room, dressing ready for bed.

The grandma has 4 different bedrooms with different themes: the grandparent's bedroom - which is basically just classic comfy with a large dream bed, the African bedroom - it is filled with things from Malawi, red/jazz room - with a theme of red colors and a jazzy touch with a poster, the house on the prairie room - with brown colors, cottage-like blankets, idyllic paintings, straw hats hanging over the mirror, a tiny desk, a painted chair, dried flowers as decoration in a bag, a cute bed side lamp... that's the room I'm in with Bekah. ;)
I love it. I read all the 'House on the Prairie' books when I was little, and I loved them. The books are set in this area in the state Wisconsin. I think that's pretty magical to think about.

"Oh, Jasmin. I am so glad you could come to my favorite place in the world"
I really do cherish this time with Bekah, and I am grateful I can see what her world and home is. :)

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