Late nights free writing

Reflection from about a week ago:

Did grandma I miss you a lot I wish you were here with me to guide me to give me comfort and to show me the way I'm supposed to go. I understand that you're not here but it pains me because there's so many things I wanted to hold your hand through. I miss hearing you through god and discovering love in different ways every single day I realize that I only have the love here in my heart and that what I really need to rely on is trusting my own heart if I don't trust my own heart no one is there to do it for me no one can rescue me on the spot if I'm not even working from the core of my soul and myself. My tummy aches I can hardly speak because my throat is scratchy and I'm sick but I'm always sick for some other reason I wonder why else would the body choose to take a break from the normal energy level you can usually be on the body he's telling me to pay attention to other things than my schedule it tells me to lie down and rest and even though its difficult to do with my body tells me those are the times I really learned about myself. At times I feel kind of lonely but mostly because I miss my family a lot these days yes for the first time in 6 months I know I have always wanted to see you but not really missed you I am also terrified as I have been this past few days and years that have led up to my birthday or the way I felt when entering New Years. I always feel like I need to be ready to gain a year I need to look my best I need to prove myself worthy to have one that extra year I don't wanna slag into a celebration of a new year of life I want it to be a new beginning a second chance to do things better to work harder to become a better person 2 look and see more things to do everything I can 2 use my talents and then I will have something to work on for that year but I don't want to turn 20 and feel like I'm stuck not knowing how to move forward not knowing who I am not knowing how to place myself how to define myself not feeling good about myself I feel good about myself but I am also kind of confused which i think is a classic thing to say as in 19 soon to be 20 year old of course most of you know that this is normal to go through but isn't it kind of ridiculous did I want to prepare myself  for this day I mean my birthday is just another day of this whole year every single day should be a new chance a possible day for new beginning and new day to shine and look my best I could go on about all this thing I would want to be this for turning 20 but here's the thing those are the things I'm working on every single day there's no such thing as 1 holy day where your life changes it's not one day that defines your life it's not an addition that you walk into why you have to prove yourself or your talent your life is every second of every day so what I should really do is not write this blog post let's spend my time becoming better becoming wiser becoming stronger becoming older yes in that way and no other way I should also not worried about how I look 20 because I'll tell you what they are more than 20 different types of 20 and even so every kind of 20 is unique so let me in a year get back to you about what made 20 unique for me and not what unique things that made m worth being 20.