Rest please, just let me rest

I just wanna be ok, today.
Walking to school with snot drifting down my face a fever and soar throat. Rehearsals and prep to school ran till 12 last night, and I was already feeling a bit miserable with a fragile voice.  I think I was too hard on my voice yesterday.  We went through the first scene I'm in. Choreography by Chad, man he is just so talented, it's incredible.

I had rehearsals again this Saturday. I am still sick. I had to go midday Friday to recover for the evening rehearsal. It is exciting to be there, but not very fun when your body won't allow you to do so.
By the end of the day I felt a slight dizziness, and even though I didn't exactly have a high fever, I knew my weekend should be all about resting.
Funny, but not so awesome detail. ..I to have a wisdom tooth growing out. And it may sound like a minor detail, but man that is real pain. I can't eat things that needs to be chewed thoroughly and I can't sleep on my right side of the face. It really hurts!

.. ok I realize that I am just talking about details of no  interest. Now that it is actually my homework to blog everyday, I might add well focus on saying something with true meaning.

Truth is.
I am not only sick, but I have been struggling with resistance for several weeks now. Which means I lack the energy and enthusiasm to do something. Well, not something. . But intense practise and a positive mind.
I have hated not wanting much more than b just my bed at night. I'm sorry, but with days starting at 6 and coming home at 11pm, it is so difficult to want to workout, read homework and do vocal exercises. I know it sounds silly, because of course that time is meant for sleeping... But no. In the world of performing arts sleep is such an important thing, but it doesn't come before practise. I don't become a better ballet dancer by just attending the classes, I have to go through the exercises at home. And no I'm not just a perfectionist.if I want to look good at the bar, I need to make my ankles stronger, nevertheless work out to sustain the muscles and build a strong dancers core.

So I have fallen out of dance a little. Well, nor fallen, just not grown as much. I could have grown more. I just haven't had the right mind for it.
I am so tired the whole time. I hate it, but I am.

It's funny, I was talking to a friend at breakfast a few days ago, and I said I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have a day where I didn't always need more rest. Just waking up one day and not being able to sleep more or not being tired in the middle of the day -things I can't even imagine. Like seriously, I can't imagine waking up on a day off and having the energy to tourist Ny for the day.
Every Sunday I wake up around 8 maybe 9 if I'm lucky. .I still have tried to get at least 8 hours pod sleep that night... then I'll go to breakfast, dress, go to church.. and almost fall asleep at church, go back for lunch, collapse in my room and take a nap.
What?
- No energy, it's just like a circle of only sleep. All it takes is 2 hours away fun home, only around the block, and I could sleep for hours more!
I think that's scary.

Actually now when I think of it, I should embrace being sick right now. I slept all Friday. Then rehearsal at 7.  Slept all Saturday, then rehearsal at 3pm. And went back to bed to lie in bed.
Tomorrow sleep, church, drama bookshop, sleep, last bit of homework, Watch a regional play in the city. . Then freaking sleep more!!!

All I'm waiting for is a contrast from this low.

Small joys 1

There is something very special about Finding the small joys of your day. This ray of sunlight shining through the window of my school was mine. 

Late nights free writing

Reflection from about a week ago:

Did grandma I miss you a lot I wish you were here with me to guide me to give me comfort and to show me the way I'm supposed to go. I understand that you're not here but it pains me because there's so many things I wanted to hold your hand through. I miss hearing you through god and discovering love in different ways every single day I realize that I only have the love here in my heart and that what I really need to rely on is trusting my own heart if I don't trust my own heart no one is there to do it for me no one can rescue me on the spot if I'm not even working from the core of my soul and myself. My tummy aches I can hardly speak because my throat is scratchy and I'm sick but I'm always sick for some other reason I wonder why else would the body choose to take a break from the normal energy level you can usually be on the body he's telling me to pay attention to other things than my schedule it tells me to lie down and rest and even though its difficult to do with my body tells me those are the times I really learned about myself. At times I feel kind of lonely but mostly because I miss my family a lot these days yes for the first time in 6 months I know I have always wanted to see you but not really missed you I am also terrified as I have been this past few days and years that have led up to my birthday or the way I felt when entering New Years. I always feel like I need to be ready to gain a year I need to look my best I need to prove myself worthy to have one that extra year I don't wanna slag into a celebration of a new year of life I want it to be a new beginning a second chance to do things better to work harder to become a better person 2 look and see more things to do everything I can 2 use my talents and then I will have something to work on for that year but I don't want to turn 20 and feel like I'm stuck not knowing how to move forward not knowing who I am not knowing how to place myself how to define myself not feeling good about myself I feel good about myself but I am also kind of confused which i think is a classic thing to say as in 19 soon to be 20 year old of course most of you know that this is normal to go through but isn't it kind of ridiculous did I want to prepare myself  for this day I mean my birthday is just another day of this whole year every single day should be a new chance a possible day for new beginning and new day to shine and look my best I could go on about all this thing I would want to be this for turning 20 but here's the thing those are the things I'm working on every single day there's no such thing as 1 holy day where your life changes it's not one day that defines your life it's not an addition that you walk into why you have to prove yourself or your talent your life is every second of every day so what I should really do is not write this blog post let's spend my time becoming better becoming wiser becoming stronger becoming older yes in that way and no other way I should also not worried about how I look 20 because I'll tell you what they are more than 20 different types of 20 and even so every kind of 20 is unique so let me in a year get back to you about what made 20 unique for me and not what unique things that made m worth being 20.

Discovering a whole new world

The sky looks pissed,  the wind talks back, my bones are shifting in my skin, and you my love are gone.

- Goes the first verse of my favorite song at the moment, 'The chain' by Ingrid Michaelsen. It wraps up how the whole world changes around you, when you are very emotional.
Well actually the world will always be seen by you the way only you see it... But when you are feeling big feelings, this is especially noticeable.

Today our Meisner teacher told is how - in fact - healthy it was to feel extreme feelings. Feelings release certain things in our body, helps bulls the immune system and releases stress. I know that didn't sound very medically professional, however there is a very important truth about it.

Today is a day I just wanted a day full of philosophy and writing and a whole day alone on different cafe's around the city. NOt that I get to do that, but I definitely will aim for that feeling throughout the day. If I can be an opera singer chased by a phantom or a victim in the French revolution, I can be free in New York city.

I prayed "embrace embrace embrace"!

I don't think I was able to embrace a lot today but I sure thought about out every second of this day.

Aladdin sure was amazing. Very scenic delight full and funny. The carpet scene was amazing, beyond my expectation and the casting was spot on.;)

I thought it was weird seeing an old favorite Disney movie live on stage. For some reason .. But nothing about it was wrong. However,  it didn't really live up to what musical are like today, is what I thought. We are past the age of exaggerated entertainment and cheap jokes to catch the audiences attention. Also the romantic live at first story suddenly seemed less rich. . Because we have had so much of les miserables like material since then.

I full on loved it and enjoyed myself, but I thought it was weird not seeing the great obstacle in the story.
In the theatre i was layed back and entertained, rather than being on the tip of my chair thinking about the plot and how the characters would handle it.

Very awesome that the actor playing Jafar was the original voice of the same character in the animation movie about 20 years back.

Other than that what I have to say is good night, I am falling apart in bed, so I need to give in and get as much rest as I can.
Best of love, JG

Bravery - a new daily journal

My new favorite thing in my school bag is my new hand creme that smells like marzipan. My friends at school keep stealing it!

I had audition technique class today for the first time.  We have been asked to journal every day. I thought,  well I already do that that's perfect. .. But wait, that's not entirely true, because I haven't been blogging for a long time. . So now I will have to get back to writing something on a post every day.

Honestly,  I try to do so... But for this semester my days run till 10 instead of 7 every day,  because I have been cast in our musical as one of the leads.

Hmm,  that sounded really superficial when I just mentioned out like that,  But the fact is that being cast as Ilse in Spring Awakening is old news. .. and in fact I have tried to write about it before,  But that one time I'd almost filled up a novel about it,  and it all got deleted because my phone lost internet connection before I had the chance to save the draft.

Oh yes - other old news! I got my first smartphone! Heaven knows I've needed it for a long time. I have always been the "just give me a brick that can call and text for emergencies" kind of person.  I am just not the typical addicted to technology and its social media kind of person of this generation.  Never met one like that in 2014? .. I thought so.

But anyhow, I ended up acknowledging that I need one for recording song lessons getting Shakespeare apps, looking up shows and what other updates I need to get as an actress in New York city, and listen to songs for class.

Thank god,  really,  that I decided this a few weeks ago and finally gave in,  because otherwise I would not have managed to learn the full score of spring awakening in a week!!
- I would much prefer to live in a world where technology isn't needed.
Like life in Africa.
Or camping as a scout .. But hey that can't carry on forever, so I guess I just accepted the reality of 2014.. ....

Just like no one who has big career dreams stays in Africa all their life. Eventually it's the same kind of people who run the world.

I guess it's how you look at it. I hang the idea that I sound really negative right now.
If so - I am very stressed today,  and I have noticed that I have a lot of negative energy.
I slept perfectly, meaning I woke up well rested and happy even before my early alarm went off.

So I'm well rested, I think I just need personal space and a breather... that kind of recharge.

Before I fell asleep, in my mind I was suddenly afraid off falling asleep, thinking I could have a blood clot in the middle of the night.
Which is RIDICULOUS. maybe I was concerned and well conscious about what extra sugar and fat I have been eating. I think I may have been stress eating, which isn't good of course.. it's just one evil circle of no energy and lots of feeling sorry for yourself.  Gosh,  that is one of the things I hate most. . And quite ironically the worst thing to do as a performer; no one wants to watch a character who has given up and looks helpless,  we want to see and are inspired by fighters.

So when I feel that way it makes me want to take a break from myself. Because I know that's not truly who I am.  I'm a fighter,  I think many people agree.

But tearing up now in public, I realize that fearing a blood clot probably goes back to my grandmother.  It always goes back to something bigger!

Always. I learnt that from art.

I spoke to my grandad yesterday. He called over the phone and he said he missed me a lot and congratulated me on my role.
.. and having spoken to my parents and siblings every day several times a day this week,  I guess a lot of vulnerable strings from home have been pulled.

I feel like I did one week in high school, where I just needed to let go of everything and everyone in my hands and take a spontaneous trip to the middle of no where. 

So that's when I found a last minute ticket for the next day to Scotland where I walked around in Dublin, a city I didn't know and that didn't know me. . And climb a mountain to the top where i shouted "I'm the Queen of the world" and I could see all the way over the sea to Wales and England.

Yes that's kind of how I feel.. yesterday I realised I had to drop my homework for an hour or go to central park or another peaceful and green place close to me.  But when I got into the crowded subway I felt like a bomb about to explode, and I realised that leaving the house in NYC doesn't give you peace AT ALL!!!

Maybe I'll feel better in a day or two.
Do you ever feel like no matter how deep a breath you take, you don't quite get to the center of your core?

..And just now I burst out laughing at the cafe, because an old lady walked in and pulled up her pants so dramatically she almost tripped over. It looked like a comedy scene.
I just love when people share a private activity on public.
...
THAT is New York!
Sometimes I really forget what city I'm in. . And that there are truly ask kinds of people here.

Just like the other day when I was walking siren to the subway late after rehearsal at school, and a guy called "Hey darling come here! "
.. now growing up in cities in Europe and walked through villages of Africa, I have just been programmed not to listen to strangers. . Because as a city girl, even though how sad that facade sometimes is, the only way you know you're on the safest side, is not to interfere, take risks or slow down your 'one track' walk even if someone asks you to.

.. And the story with the man in the subway did not affect me much,  because I hardly noticed him and his behavior. If I had looked more carefully or stopped or even walked over to him thinking he needed help or something (which of course would have been very considerate. .), I would have been grossed out, violated or raped.. because when I 5 minutes put the two things together,  recalling the small fractions of pictures I'd collected just passing by that second, I understood that the man was masturbating in the corner of the subway station, with a very aggressive face and seeking sometime willing to help him or be offer of a vulgar explosion.

So NO - I don't stop and even think in New York city.
I travel by day,  If not I put on my new York face ( which is raising your head and looking dangerous and brave,  a face my music teacher one told me, when he recalled bring attacked 12 times in New York a decade ago, until the day he learnt how too do the new York face! ..)
And in my mind I will go through the tricks I learnt from the few karate classes I've been to,  And then I'll be in the pretend phone with my dad, who's meeting me right around the corner... so in a way you have already been to New York with me dad:) ;)

I also know that I am very often too brave and spontaneous than I really should be. . Like waking 10 miles around new York and through the suburbs to find the Wittenberg house on long island.
And book a room in Dublin,  which I thought was a single, until the second I arrived. But turned out to be shared with 3 boys who I knew nothing about!

Or how about just submitting yourself to the world of performing arts,  where you are challenged, threatened, opened up, hurt, surprised every day in your work and you are sad, happy or mad on the m most extreme human level in your scenes or songs.
I think that takes all the bravery in the world. Those who don't think that don't belong here anyway. And that's ok, but just because you aren't attracted to what you see as playing around in costumes and fundancing, everything between those lines takes an amount of bravery you can't imagine.
I'm not saying you don't know what bravery is, and that yours is nothing to mine. . But I KNOW what bravery is, because every day I see the lack of it. . And facing that anyhow takes bravery.
In the performing arts you know what it takes, because there's anyways further to go.

I am in rehearsals for spring awakening.  This is our last day of polishing, before we need to be completely off book.

Tomorrow is the only day throughout this process I will be excused for rehearsals, because I had purchased a ticket for Aladdin long before being cast in the show.
This was my Christmas present from family. I am very excited for it. And then in a few weeks I will see another Disney on Broadway,  the lion king with my grandparents :D

I am actually seeing numerous shows this week. Saturday I am seeing Kristy Cates' comedy show.

So just for now,  goodnight. Next blog post will hopefully be more exciting and with pictures. . Which I now have tons of because I have a good camera in my phone with me everywhere.

I just had a nice shower, and I made myself a cup of tea.

Here's to tomorrow, another even longer day, cheers!
X

A WHOLE WEEK'S BREAK!

So in this sweet little blog post (.. which is really miles long!), you will read about a fantastic week on Spring break.

How many of you watched the Oscars? For the first time in my life, I got to watch the full show.. and even from the country it's set;) preetty cool. And for the first time, I really dug into the nominated films. I have had a marathon of Oscar-films during this holiday.. I have been lucky to find most of the films for free online. Don't ask me how they got there, but I sure enjoyed watching 'Her', '12 years a slave' and 'Dallas buyers club'.. so far.. and then I want to see 'Gravity', 'American hustle' and 'Nebraska'.

Yes, the Oscars were great.. even though John Travolta was awkward enough to call the world-famous Idina Menzel, Adeele Mezel!.. I think that was pretty embarrassing and hilarious!
... Btw I want to play Ana on Broadway, once Frozen comes out as a musical!

Anyways -
You know you are a serious studying actor, when you set the alarm Monday morning in your holiday break at 6:30 to watch the Oscars before you go to your appointment after the morning, because you were caught up in writing assignments about performances I've watched, learning lines for new scene work, polishing resume and making a schedule for my preparations for my call back the night before.

YOU'VE got it! I got a call back for Wendla, the lead in our musical. By our musical I mean the first musical that NYFA is producing in New York City. The producer is the wonderful Kristy Cates, the former Elphaba in Wicked on Broadway, and the director is the co-director of the original Aladdin on Broadway, which opens in only a few weeks!

I was called back, as well as 4 other girls for this part, out of all the musical theatre students. I am very excited, there are actually no words for this - because I have found such a profound connection to this role, since I started studying her and the rest of the play. I hope I will have the opportunity to make my contribution and opinions about this role.
Cross all your fingers. and toes!

This weekend before my week off, I was at the Wittenberg's. I had my last soldier's lesson.. and on the Monday it was Susan's and mine day for getting my uniform and celebrating with dinner. Very special.

I got a few pictures of their house. It's either from this weekend or the last, I am not too sure .. but here's just to show the insane amount of snow there's been lately. And what a winter wonderland they have here in West Hempstead, where the snow isn't turned into brown piles, like on Manhattan!

Piles..

.. and piles

.. and piles...

.. and piles

.. extra piles

and extreme piles..

and piles..

... and piles

.. and insane piles

of snow!!!

*

I love life. And I love with all my heart that I am able to. I love that the reason is because I am certain of someone who loves me with all their heart.

*

I am very tired today.. but probably because I didn't dance enough, it always gives me life. I saw 'Phantom of the Opera' the movie tonight and was once again enchanted and troubled by the amazing characters of that show. After watching it, I thought - that's the only time you should really contribute and dedicate your whole self to playing a part - when it hits you like that... because there, on that supernatural and magical level, is exactly where the true art lives. X

I have a restlessness inside. I can't deal with this holiday.. what'll I do one full week without being inspired and growing through my classes each day and flying in dance?

*

These are just a few pictures from my way back home to Manhattan from a trip somewhere. . .. and some cute things I saw on the way.

Jazz on 14th street!

*

-Do you think of yourself as the daughter of your mother, the student of your school, or the soldier of your church.. or do you think of yourself as 'Jasmin'? Do you see an independent, unique person, when you look at yourself in the mirror.. or are you one of the many in this world who unwillingly, yet repeatedly rely on other people or systems?

If you are unhappy with politics or just the system at your specific education, do you try to change the world, or simply say "That's a shame, I wish someone knew better!"?

When I'm with people, I sometimes forget my independent self. Other times it is only empathized, when I realize that ONLY I can improve my pirouettes in ballet class - from a power within and not my teacher's coaching.

.. And when I'm alone I sometimes forget my independent self, because I think of the people I miss, or the people I need.
But mostly I feel independent when I really look at myself and take in my whole being - breathing in the things that I see surrounding me walking around in Greenwhich village, - and now sitting on a cafe. I can see my reflection in a mirror, and I like what I see.
The wonderful thing about people is that the way we are seen by others has so much to do with how we see ourselves.
Do you excuse yourself or hide your body? - in that case, people won't notice you.
Do you respect yourself (and not just superficially - convincing yourself that you do)? - then people sure will respect you.
- And people will treat you as a strong, independent person, if that's how you treat yourself. Acting and relying on yourself in that way.

And this goes to performing; if you don't believe it when you sing "there's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby", then people wont' believe in that land, or that you've  imagined seeing it.
Don't lie to your audience.
Don't lie to your life!

Your life is you and everything and everyone evolving you.

And by the way - being independent in this way, is awesome!
And don't forget what I just clarified - being independent has nothing to do with moving away from your parents or starting to pay your own bills. There are so many ways to get around being dependent of others, even though you say you have become independent.
Just think about it for a second. Do you, alone, represent something unique in this world, or do you represent something as part of a group only?

*

Thursday:

Thursday morning, after a quick breakfast, I decided to go out and see some part of the city I hadn't touched yet.

I just walked and embraced. I walked through the Eastern village, which I haven't been much in at all.. not enough at all. On my way I saw lots of great deals for restaurants, tea stops and brunch places, that I promised myself to remember for another time!

The sun was shining beautifully on this day!

Bright day!

'West side story'- stairs!

Don't you love this graffiti? - "Love is free"

Very cool art, I think!

Next adventure in the city might be on this bus ..

I haven't tried it yet!

This was a cheap and cool market I wanted to remember for shopping!

Eastern village style McD!

Temptiiiiiing - I found a massage place.

IF I ever need a treat like this... which I quite frankly do every day,

obviously.. but you know, if a brick ever falls on my back,

or I am punched in the back,

or I dance ballet till I fall on the ground one day..

I will give myself this treat ;) 

- The last statement is very likely!.. but however, it will be well deserved!

*

Reaching Alphabet city - the part of Eastern village which has a lot of street art!

How amazing is this window?! Full of all kinds of dried fruit

and inside they had all sorts of other gourmet foods.

*

Okay, so before even describing the place - quite frankly because I haven't fully taken in the circumstances yet, my mind is still saying 'Wow! This is something I should do every day!'. I am sitting some random place in 'Alphabet city' ... a part of the Eastern town somewhere in between Eastern village and Little Italy/Chinatown area.

This cafe I'm sitting on has a 'summer's house feel' to it, with a childish twist and in some funky American style.
And by this I mean.. that I walked down 3 step of chairs from the street level to enter into a glass-covered outdoor terrace-like spot with all the colors of the rainbow playing with my sight. Bright happy colors.
There is some 'English breakfast- room' feel to it too, because of the tiny and cute construction, which also has an inside to the cafe, with tables so close that you are almost stroking the stranger's knee.

It's a fun, low-class place in this Eastern village.. I can tell by the price list, and by the noise-level from the guests, - and now having tasted my strawberry smoothie - which just arrived - there is a homey feeling to this place to.. since the drink tastes like something my mom might've blended back home. No biggie with loads of sugars or a fancy serving - which I would expect, if I bought it at a Max Brenner's-like place.. or even Starbucks. But not here, and I am so fine with it. :)
And on top of that, I can totally see why Grease was invented in America too! - There's a pink scooter right in front of me, in the corner of the terrace - matching the color of the tiny steel tables I am sitting by.

The colors go with this part of town.
This part of town is the story of Rent the musical (which was written and composed by a young man my age, who started a career as a simple waitor - less than a year after presenting his musical project to some producers, the show was running on Broadway. - The show that made Idina Menzel an well acknowledged star, on level 1, compared to 10 after being the original Elphaba in Wicked!).

Funny colored bikes are parked outside in close bundles. I think it's the kind of bicycles that just live anywhere in the city - used by random people who break the chain to get a ride home after the late party, or someone who is being chased all through the town for stealing drugs from a bad guy, or just a 'jackass' (which is not a term I use, but what I think this part of the city would call them!).. so a jackass who just thinks that it's OK to take someone's else bike for a short trip, when he's late for work at the old CD/record's shop downtown.

Graffiti is everywhere. Actually the wall opposite me is quite ugly - and not art .. just like what you'd see in Copenhagen. - BUT most other places here have full pictures on the wall with such creative designs with amazing colors and powerful messages. I saw most of this walking through Alphabet city (-which I am sure is where the name came from).

Going back inside for the restroom, I noticed a sign informing that this cafe carries 107 different kinds of tea! I don't know if that's a record - probably always records broken in NYC!.. but it sure is cool ;)

I love that I could just take off my jacket - spring sure is coming.
And I love that I can become spontaneous when I really decide to .. because just now I forgot all about where I live and what my weekdays are filled with.
- Yes, New York City has become a home, but I still don't know it enough as a tourist!
.. And I believe that the more you cling on to it as a home, the less you are able to go on adventures in it.
And when I really look, East village is SO different from the are I'm living. Like on a level of another country, I'd say.

- Now I feel like the city is calling me, I've finished my smoothie, and I've grown just about too comfortable and homey in this chair. Much more to see!

*

I worked on my scene for Spring awakening at Connor's place. We arranged for our performance lab teach to give us a private lesson. The way we had interpretated the scene was totally different from what was really in between the lines. I am so glad that we did it, because it made me realize - for the hundreth time, how big a genios he is.
I can't spell out all the things he asked us to do, but in a couple of years or more, when I publish my blog as a book, I will write it out.
So to remind myself:
- hands in bowl with hot water
- Black Swan homework

.. don't try to guess it you can't.. so support me in my book, when I start that project ;)

*

Friday:
I headed out once more to see something new in the city. I felt like I needed to look at art, so I found several museums, and finally chose one close to me - The museum of biblical art, by Columbus circle.
Before reaching the museum though, I found the Cathdral of st. Paul on the way, which made me stop and enter, because it looked so beautiful from the outside.

Inside, oh man, I was filled with such holiness. My jaw dropped and I just stood and gazed at all the candles and the altar and the sculptures and painting and long rows of kneeling benches. I can't point out specific things that made this place special, I just felt such a holy spirit when I stood in the middle of it all.

I loved finding sculptures of The virgin Mary, because I haven't sung or prayed to her very much, since becoming a part of the Salvation Army.
She is a humble and graceful role figure and for me, and has been throughout my childhood. I grew up with my mum singing the Holy Mary song to me before bed. And nothing ever calms me like that song. Mother Mary was a young brave girl like me, when she was blessed with baby Jesus. She is something special.
This was what I danced about to 'Be born in me', remember?

I have a wish to compose a song from the same chords that this song is built up around.
I might find a piano later today. I feel like my soul is crying for it today, so I must act with it.

In the cathedral I knelt down and gently sang the song to Mother Mary. All the while, my heart called for my grandma. Let me feel you again today, fill my soul with your presence and love, is what I prayed. "Sing the song with me."
I am certain I would've heard her voice, if I was on my knees all day... but I am sure she sang along with me from heaven.

My hands were folded all the time, after this.. until I got to the museum. "God, fill me with the Holy Spirit, fill me with your holy spirit, fill my soul with your holy spirit."

This is something I know I need to pray about every single day.
I want and need to receive that power and holiness.

- I am starting to feel in my soul, when Jesus is hurt. Today I met a new girl who was so incredibly rude she left the group of us speechless. She was judgmental, snappy, demanding and disrespectful to everyone at the table. She had no room for other people and it seemed that she thought the worst of people, until they proved her better.
It quite frankly spoiled my mood for that morning, but not in a 'I am so annoyed and angry with this person, I want to get back at her' . .. but more of a .. 'It makes me incredibly sad to see such a broken heart in front of me'. I think Jesus' heart was bleeding with me, and at that time, I guess I said a little prayer to people like her, who haven't found His love and grace.

My point with this story is that I have learnt to feel things around me with God, not independently as me, Jasmin, but through the wants and wishes of Jesus for me and the people I meet on my way.

*

Now I am sitting on a cafe in Greenwhich village. I would have made it back to lunch at the markle, but I thought .. why not, it's holiday, you never go out. I think I have gotten homesick (lol and by homesick I mean - sick of home, not sick of missing home!) a bit too, from planning all my days for my work at home. It's obvious it makes me a bit crazy living in a bubble of all my work and dining in the same room with the same people 3 times a day.... when I have such a beautiful and enormous city right outside my door!

This cafe is very sweet and classic. It reminds me of some fine cafes from Copenhagen, especially one that my grandparents took me to - La Glace! (Best hot chocolate in the world!) This is not as expensive though ;) Big paintings are hanging everywhere on the walls, and classical music is playing in the background. Very peaceful indeed. Just reminiscing about my experiences today, it makes me realize that I found a cafe which went with my theme and mood of today!

I tried getting tickets for and opera at the Met, with no luck. I haven't been yet, and I think I was just in the mood of feelings and actions on the extreme, probably after working on the Spring Awakening scene, and probably also from feeling so spiritually lifted after today.
I might go see a Broadway show.. or watch another of the Oscar-winning movies online back home.

However, I do need to start heading back to my room, so I can work on the 2nd scene for my callback. Tomorrow my private singing teacher will set aside 1 hour to work on my songs with me, Hallelujah she is one treasure!

A funny happening in Washington square park!

A book by Cecilia Ahern arrived from amazon today, and I can't wait to read it. I want everyone to check out this author. She sure is one special treasure too. It's kind of like a must-read author, one who changes your life . .. or your perspective on life, however you want to put it!.. just like the book 'The war of art' I am reading at the moment. PLEASE read it. It made me know things about myself that I am so grateful to have known at this age.
Just read it. It took me 2 days.

*

Saturday:
For things I had desired to do this spring break, one of the things I really wanted to do was get on a boat. And just be out on the ocean.
I didn't actually think I would make the time. But this afternoon I did, in the most spontaneous way.

I met my private singing teacher at school to run through my songs for callback. We worked on them an hour.. and then a good deal more, because no other students showed up. Seriously - her time is a treasure, and I think it is insane students can even think of bailing on an extra class. She set aside a whole Saturday to run through the songs for those who got a callback. All I can say without a doubt is that I am certainly the one of them all who is most prepared for this callback. Preparation isn't just all, when talking of casting.. it's so much about the type and whatever interpretation the director had in mind for the role. .. However, I have been told by most people around me (the professional performers and fellow students) that I am perfect for this role. I hope they are right. I have found so incredibly much of myself in this.

Anyways, when our session was over, my teacher almost demanded me to let go for the rest of the day and relax.. or go buy something... and I said.. bbbbut I still have so much to do. And she said, I know you love taking notes and working on it, but in the end you just have to burn that paper and let whatever lives in your body do the work.
And I know that's right. I also know I am not 100 % done with running through the songs, but I do know that I will leave that to later, and Sunday and Monday after school. And possibly a break Tuesday too. SO - when my teacher said "look out the window, what a beautiful day it is!", I suddenly remembered my wish to take a ferry.
YES! I'm gonna do this, I told her.. I'll buy my lunch downstairs, and then sit on the ferry with it. The Staten Island ferry, which takes off just by my school, which is free.

I was so excited, and I knew I needed to enjoy and celebrate myself.
I got on the ferry with a delicious salad.. the ferry was very crowded and full of eager tourist. But that's alright, because then I was an eager tourist :) Unfortunately, the windows on the side of the ferry were open the last time I was here, because it was in the summer - meaning you could really feel the wind, and her the boat floating through the water, but today they were closed.. since it's still what they'd probably call winter. However, Spring was alive today. I heard birds chipping, the sun was warm and comfortable, not weak like it has been for a long time. The air was fresh and when you inhaled you received a million things at once; spring!

"See, - it is like spring today!", I told my teacher... "OK, a little bit". She has been the teacher who always reminds me that the cold will come back, even when we think Spring has really come! :p

When I got onto Staten Island, I found a bench by the water and had the last bits of my lunch.
The air was fresh and oh - what a peace there was outside.

I was gonna head down to the walking path following the bay on Staten Island, but then I noticed this hill, that caught my sight.
It was just as steep and mysterious as the hills in Lisbon. Manhattan is very hilly some places, but not in the same way with narrow roads.
I just looked at the hill and said to myself - I want to sit on top of that hill and look out over the ocean back at Manhattan.

So that's what I did. Of course. Not following this instinct would be stupid.

I had a heavy bag and big boots, but I trotted up the hill, and before long, I felt like I was mountain climbing.. which was A-WE-S-O-M-E.. because another of my desires for this holiday was to go mountain climbing
O-K.. I know I wouldn't exactly find the Alps close by, but I do know that the northern part of New York has beautiful nature, and is worth setting aside a day for adventure and escape.

But this hill was all I needed, I realized.

I got to the top of the hill and felt proud and happy. There was a perfect spot for me. You know when you stop in the midst of the pulse and race of the place you're at?.. and people really notice you and either smile and admire you or look at you as if you're the weirdest person on earth, just because you are breaking the typical pulse of the surroundings?
.. if not . .. you need to let yourself live more and stop to see the sights!

So this is what I did, and it always makes me so happy when people smile at your for that, because it's like you have a quarter of a second of the most human connection ever - that of
"I see your happiness, and I know all about it. How happy it makes me to see you, stranger, want to be happy like me."

People living life just makes you smile, you know? ..

On top of that - my third desire for this spring break was to feel the rush of swinging again. And just let myself be a child. Perfectly planned by God and Mother Earth and Staten Island.. or whatever.. There was a playground with swings on top of the hill.

I saw the church of Staten Island, - which was beautiful from the outside, but unfortunately locked up for the inside part!

*

Now on my way back the other way, the sun is about to set .. so I will just take a moment to embrace that ;)

Wow - I am so tired. Like they way you feel after a mountain climb.. or a day of mourning your grandma.. or many hours of swimming.. or a Meisner class! But I know this comes from being outside.
Wow .. seriously my mind and body is so full right now. It's like returning home from a camping trip. - home to busy Manhattan.
My plan is to go straight to Times Square and try out for rush tickets to 'Once'. This is a show everyone says I would be perfect in, so I want to see it. Otherwise, one of the many great plays.. I have only seen a couple of plays. There is specifically one with Ian Mckellen in it that I really want to see, 'Waiting for Godot' - the director is visiting our school in a couple of weeks!

IF not I might go running in Cental Park.. Or find another unexpected cozy cafe to finish this writing.

Now - this is REALLY interesting: a massive cruise ship just passed by, and I noticed the Danish flag on it. The Norweigan was there too, and I saw the ship was from Norway, in Oslo. So weird to think about how it traveled all the way from close to my old apartment where my family lives and all the way to my blog writing on a ferry next to the Statue of Liberty! .. next time I see Danes on a boat, why don't you jump on it Clara, Cata, Franni or Zaka? I miss you so, and we could have so much fun here on this Island.

Today my private teacher - who I found out was once a tour guide - she taught me that the Battery Park area is in fact not really a part of Manhattan.. this southern part, from the crossroads to Broadway to the staten island ferry is created by dirt and soil. When they dug under the ground for the subways, way back when they built that, they just threw all the dirt on the south of the island in the water, and eventually it sunk into the water like an extra piece of land. Which means.. that my school isn't on Manhattan. Every time I sing in class I sing on dirt. Interesting.

Soon, I want to go to Brooklyn and walk around the market that they are known for. I must look more into my tourist guide book, because I am not too sure what else.. well yes, there is a botanical garden that I really want to go to (which definitely is a place I would take you dad, whenever you meet me here) and there is also a museum, which my teacher said is always empty.. just because it's located in Brooklyn and not Manhattan.. but it has beautiful art.
I need to look at art. Want to breathe more in. It's so important.. you know you sometimes forget that!

..Speaking of spring - I have missed high school with sweet flirts and feelings all the exciting feelings evolving this season. I am seeing so many couples here on the boat, and it made me remember that the boys I have anything to do with are all gay. But I do love that some of them like flirting anyways - it's sweet!

Opposite me, waiting for the ferry - or possibly just renting the bench for the day, because he doesn't have a place to sleep of his own, is a tired drunken middle age man who just talked in his sleep. I am not too sure what he said.. now he sat up.. and he kinda reminds me of Asterix from Roman Asterix and Obelix tales.. So maybe he was in a fight with the Romans.
This is funny. Good story!

*

Sometimes I forget that trying to get a rush ticket in the afternoon on a weekend for a Broadway show is almost impossible. So.. yeah I was just walking around to several denials. But I got to walk by Times Square at night once more, and I think that's always worth it.
I would like to try coming to Times Square when there are no people .. meaning never in the world-  I know that!!.. but still. It would be the coolest thing ever, I think I would feel like the Queen of the whole world.. or of Broadway just perhaps. but that's good enough ;)
This dream reminded me of a Danish story 'Pelle alene i verden' (Pelle alone in the world), which is about a young boy who wakes up one morning and realizes he is the only one in the whole world.. so he jumps on the bed, eats all the candy in the stores, tries all the games the shops have to offer and go on all the amusement rides.. but in the end he sees that there is no fun in all of this free stuff, if there is no-one there to share it with.
Speaking of which - I need to go more out! it's just a fact!..

I found the most delicious Italian restaurant ever! Fish, clams, mussels, red wine, and broccoli with chorizo! Everything I tasted reminded me of something my grandma could've made for us in Portugal.

- This reminds me, when I checked my phone at some point today, I saw that my granddad had tried to call me from Portugal.. but at that time I was on the ferry, and had forgotten all about technology! He wrote a text telling me he loved me and missed me and wished me luck with everything I was doing at the moment. X
Made me cry.
...

My mum asked if I won't join them for Portugal this summer, but I need to stay and explore this side of the world. My goal for this summer is to see Disneyworld.

Anyways, on the restaurant tonight, I just sat with my papers from Spring awakening, and looked through my choices for Wendla once again. What's terrifying in a way.. about performance, is that.. you can never be enough prepared. And yet again, like my teacher said - sometimes, you just have to let it go..!

IT was the best feeling ever sitting on that restaurant.
I felt sophisticated, rich and charming. Not adjectives I would hear people say about me.. or myself.
But - just for that night, it was okay to spend money on dinner and it was more than okay to look more mature and sophisticated than people might usually see me.. - see the thing is, I don't think I was acting, I think I just allowed that part of me to blossom. And anyways, I am soon turning 20. It's pretty big.
..Most of you are probably like; that is so sweet and funny, she thinks she is growing up and she has no idea how lost and inexperienced I was when I was 20... but ask my parents, I am sure they are almost pooping their pants this instant thinking about how fast their little girl grew up.
- To all you Americans .. ; yes, "grow up", in Denmark there's no such thing for the number 21. We can drink when we are 16, we can vote and drive when we are 18.. officially becoming an adult is loong gone.. and the two biggest birthdays is 18 and 20. 18 well.. you know. and 20, because you are entering the 20'ies.. I guess mostly a big celebration because you have lived through all your teen years.

It's actually kind of scary and melancholic to think about in a way. Never a teen again. Wow!
But I do think that my 20'ies will be just as fun. They sure look promising in my heart.

Alright.. so they didn't have any deserts at the restaurant, and unfortunately I was craving for chocolate cake incredibly much, so now I am sitting on a cafe that I found a few blocks away from the restaurant (I'm in Greenwhich village, a few streets away from home). I got a chai tea latte with vanilla and cinnamon in it.. omgooosh I can't believe how good it is!.. AND a big slice of chocolate cake.

Yes, I am treating myself like a Queen today, - I sure deserve it!

Let's wait and see if I get the part.. my singing teacher said, we should say "when" and not "if". She was honest, even though all the callback girls are her students, and said that she thought I was the best of them all.
Arrrgh, exciting.

This place is so comfy and cozy. I am sitting in a huge couch. I have no idea how this place can be empty at 8:30 pm.. I have this couch all to myself.
I am also at the same time kind of forgetting to drink my chai tea latte, because all I do is type away. So hold on.

..
And .. hold on, I need a bite of that chocolate cake.
omgosh .. so good!

what's funny is, that I have no idea if I have kept my readers this long, because I know this blog post is unbelievably long.. because it's from a full week's holiday.. so in a way I have this idea that I am just talking to myself about heavenly chocolate cake and late nights in New York City.. 
Okay.. now what's actually incredibly funny is that I just lied to you, because I was typing ahead of time about me enjoying my chocolate cake and chai tea.. see I wanted to write about how heavenly it was, so I could spare the time after. .. knowing how the scene would turn out anyway - me having an extremely long moment entering the fork into my mouth and looking like this thing entering my mouth is God's gift to me today.
So - what really happened is that I sliced off a bite of the chocolate cake, and when I was about to put it into my mouth I dropped the whole piece down on my computer, and it rolled further down over the couch leaving chocolate marks .. and further down on the white/blue carpet.. leaving black crumbs. And I just burst out laughing, because if that was for a film this was a RE-take, with a big RE!

Okay - I do realize I just went along with the idea of talking to myself, because my choice of subject is so ridiculous I can imagine it almost hurts you!

*

Tomorrow morning I have plans with my very dear friend Suzanne from the Markle to go to brunch somewhere in the city. I have never been to brunch on Manhattan ever before, and so many people say that it's one of the must-have experiences. Plus.. it's not expensive at all.

Opposite me, by another table is a guy who really reminds me of a guy I once dated. And he has been glaring at me a couple of times, which makes me think that it's the same one, in another life. Again, weird choice of topic to write about!

What I really want to do is say how wonderful a time I have been having these past few days. This all goes to letting go of my discipline, being spontaneous and reminding myself that I deserve to have fun.
Here's the amazing conclusion that I've come to:
'I noticed that you don't become and excellent performer by practising alone and singing about life in your room all day,
it happens by going out and living it.'
.. This is the fastest, most effective and most beautiful way of growing.

- Actually this cafe is amazing. There is a 'Friends' feel like to it (the TV-series). This place specializes in tea, so there is almost no limit to what you can get. Hot and cold. This is another place I might want to show my grandparents (the biggest tea lovers I know by far), when they come in a month.

I am grateful for the time I have on my hands at the moment. I mean, it's 9 pm, and I have seen so much today. I have time to write on my blog, not only at 11 pm, when I am falling half asleep on a week day. This is really good.

It also makes me remember one of the reasons I wanted to go for a career in the performing arts; I have never and I mean never been able to see myself do a 9-6 job.. even though it is very scary at the same time, I need something unstable in such a way that none of my days are the same and what a treasure it is that YOU are the work of art. Whatever I do, in whatever way I work, I am the master of my own career in the performing arts.
So in a couple of years, when I have been in and out of shows (- and we both know that will happen), I can imagine myself sitting on a cafe like this, preparing for another callback to a Broadway show.. or planning my work for a professional class, or looking up artists or shows that I need to know of.
Oh, isn't it amazing.
Embrace it, Jasmin. Embrace it!

I love you art - always, forever: 'I love you always forever - Donna Lewis'. (This is one of my all-time favorite songs.. and one of the most awesome songs I've ever done a warm up to in a jazz class).

..Whilst I am writing this, I also realize how much I enjoy being a writer too. I wonder what I would have starred at for 2 hours straight in a cafe alone, if I didn't have this project to work on!

*

Yesterday, I had such an amazing artistic day. I wrote and composed a full song in less than 90 minutes. This is my 2nd worship song, and I will be presenting it as my testimony for my soldier enrollment. Giving my testimony through not just my own words, but my own music, has been something I wanted to do for a long time.. and I am so glad I was filled with inspiration for words and chords yesterday. Now I have something pure, new and beautiful to present.

I ALSO choreographed a whole new song, 'Grace - Laura Story'. My 2nd choreography - just like my 2nd worship song.. but the only difference is that I haven't shared my 1st song publicly yet. As a matter of 'a-very-cool' fact, I have introduced myself to one of the presently most popular Christian artists, who composed my favorite Christian song 'I'm in his hands'. He was here for a tour in the States, and he performed in the CMT and then one Sunday at NY temple he lead the music.. so I found the opportunity to tell him how blessed I was by his song and that I wrote music too. Before long, we'd exchanged emails and the same night I sent him the first worship song I wrote, 'Overwhelmed', and because I wasn't pleased with the chords I'd come up with, I asked him to look at it.

I think, and I say this very proudly, that this is how you step up as an artist!
- It's all about making your contacts. I need to stop thinking there's this wall between me as a human and the professionals as stars.. and begin to see how we are all part of one big circle who contribute to each other's work.

I am heading home now, because I need some air, and a change of setting too! When I get back I will rearrange all the pictures I put on this blog, and probably finally be able to post it.. at the moment there are about 50 pictures in a row, just randomly copied into this document.

Good night for today! .. I will be publishing this after writing about another adventure tomorrow.. the last day of my spring break. ..And only 2 days before my callback. And also the first day of the rest of my wonderful life.
X

*

My brunch place :)))) #Brunch-on-Manhattan#yay#Sundaymorning-b-4-worshipmeeting

Yay, it was awesome to have brunch with my friend. I literally woke up 5 minutes before she knocked on my door, then jumped into my clothes and got out the door. When we walked outside of the building, Suzanne cried "Yaay! The weather is so niice!". And it really was. Spring was in the air and the sun was still growing on its journey to its place in mid-sky. It was good to be out from early morning. Beautiful day.

We turned our clocks ahead one hour today.

I think this is pretty funny!

This week, while I have been walking around exploring the city, I have repeatedly been bumping into french 'crepes' places (massive pancakes).. and every time I have stopped and been tempted, but not once allowed myself to go with that instinct.
BUT - this morning, when I looked over the brunch menu, I thought - YES, I AM going to choose blueberry pancakes this morning, as a rare treat .. which is what treats are all about (otherwise they loose what's special about them.. and you just get into a habit of fat and slow..!).

The brunch was delicious, and it was such a sweet little place. It's theme was bluebells, the flowers, so the tables had painted bluebells on them and most things was in baby blue. Very sweet and idyllic.. and yet, at the same time there was a humongous German-styled bar with all the spirits in the world.

Well, we'd chosen this cafe because it was one of the earliest brunches in the city - it starts from 8 am!.. We are both very tight scheduled people, so we went at this time; for Suzanne to return home afterwards and study for her exam and for me not to go to the Sunday worship meeting at NY temple.

*

Just before coming back, we found an antique market in a garage in Chelsea. I hadn't really been to one of those here before, so I made us stop to look around.

They had beautiful jewelry - so many things that reminded me of my grandma, - it was exactly the kind she would find beautiful, and therefore exactly the kind my granddad would buy tons and tons of for her, just because he knew her style so well, and he loved gifting her as often as he could.
I thought about getting one, but the right hand is taken for her ring anyhow, so if I got one, people would think I'd gotten engaged. My other ring is more than enough anyway.

I am listening to my song 'What do we do', and I imagine that my grandma is pleasingly and calmly singing along to it form heaven. I can't even imagine any bit of it, I just realized, - but I can dream it.. and sometimes dreams are just as true.

I mean she would set it on replay all through the afternoon in her house in Alcabideche.. so if I don't put it on for her, how else would she listen to it?

I don't know if you have forgotten this song of mine, but you should know that every time you play it, there's a grandma smiling in heaven.

*

The worship meeting this morning was really good, and I shared a testimony about how every human being is saved, but only some choose to follow his path and want the holy spirit. And how beautiful it is, that we don't have to proof ourselves worthy or do anything but say yes and choose to follow and love him - I was inspired by the scripture from psalm 50, last verse that says "If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God".
Simple as that, and yet the most beautiful thing in our life.

When volunteers read scriptures int he bible by turn, it made me think how amazing it is to hear other people read the bible. It just really made me think.. Every morning I read the bible aloud to myself, and I have my own interpretation and connection to it.. but to really listen to God's words through the mouths of all kinds of people, is astonishing, really.

We sang a song this morning that said: "The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you."
This lyric is amazing, because you can't say that about many other people you know.
You know, I think God that he has his arms open to receive us every single time we want to get to know him and feel his love. We are all just humans, - so not one single person on earth would be able to be there for you 100 %, willingly show love or let you in every time we seek them.
- Why would people not want to be a part of God's love, it makes me think.

Everything is better in the presence of God, is what we talked about today in church. Lieutenant Frenie told us a story about someone who had been in faith and chosen to let go of it - just because - .. she had desired things on earth more and didn't feel like she needed God in it. But some years after she returned to the church and became a strong member in his faith. So Frenie asked this girl, "What made you come back?".. and she said "Because I missed him."
- And that's really what it's all about, isn't it?
We choose to be with him, because there is nothing else we want more, and we can't live without him, breathing through his love every day of our lives.

And then ...
sitting at church this morning, I just realized that yesterday was the 8th of March; exactly 6 months since Farmor died, and I was reminiscing all the tastes' and smells and thoughts I had experienced yesterday, - which I realize now, in fact was a celebration of her.
..My granddad called me yesterday, I saw my grandma in most of the things I did yesterday, and I just remember that I kept seeing things that I knew my grandma would love.

For me, this is just so beautiful. See, God even blesses and plans our thoughts and instincts.

And you know, if I hadn't remembered what that day was, I would've just thought it peculiar that I saw her through so many things.
But knowing it now, helps me embrace it more. And I am glad that God gave me that space and peace in mind to reminisce and send my love to her that day.

My granddad just called and got through this time. It was one of the most special moments for me in a long time, and I am so grateful I got to hear his voice. He just called to wish me good luck with my callback, and reminded me that I am 'Frk. jeg-ka'-selv' and that even if I wouldn't get the part, I would still be the best!
He asked about the weather, because he'd been following the reports about snow storms, and I said it was finally beginning to look like spring!
I love you so much.

Today I really don't have a lot of plans .. and the ones that I need to do, I will just see as part of my desires and in a flow of a relaxed day, not actual chores or hmw. In fact I started to write out a list of things I wanted to do today, but after a second thought I ended up throwing it in the trash, because I don't want a list to control my day.. and I think I need to learn how to get things done, without stressing in between. Besides, EVERY SINGLE time I make a list, about half way through it, I will get really optimistic and turn the list into things I want to achieve, and not things that seem in my reach and time for one day. So EVERY SINGLE day I end my day by looking at a halfway achieved list, and I see myself as having failed.

Whatever I end up doing today is enough.

I would like to read. Just lie on my bed or in the park or at a cafe and read. And dance. And sing. And learn my scene for Meisner. And call some of my friends.

Whatever I end up doing today is enough. ;)
X