This morning I read in my new One year bible with a cup of chamomille tea on my bedside, I chatted on facebook with my friend Cecilie from Denmark, I had a good breakfast while watching half of a Grey's Anatomy episode from the brand new season (yay!), I met Lieutenant Olivia and her mum in the dining room and we spoke about our plans for our Christmas play rehearsals this afternoon and I took a hot shower while singing along to the loud music that was playing in my room.
What's not to like?
Now, it's 8:40 am.. I'm sitting here feeling a bit anxious for ballet today. Just because I feel so tired in my body and I feel like I can never tell, whether I will do good in dance or not for that day. It's weird.. but either I improve a lot in one class, or mess up, fall in a pirouette and get shouted at for not using my head.
If you stay in the 1 train to South ferry, you will notice how obvious it is, that this southern area of Manhattan is ALL office buildings. During rush hour, this place is crowded on an extreme level. Thousands of robots in suits rush to work. When I return from school at 7 pm, the streets are bare and dark. No-one lives here. This place is all work.
I have reached my stop, Rector st., so I will continue on the blog later on...
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This is a good habit. Keeping up with my blog.- My friend Kanischa from the markle residence told me very strictly that I needed to write on my blog every day. I am still amazed that people I don't talk so much with and I haven't shared many things with are fond of reading about my life in New York.
Either they find my story interesting, or they can relate to my experiences - after all they are living in the same city as me.
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In the episode of Grey's Anatomy I watched this morning, there is a character who struggles a lot with following her heart.She just got engaged to a guy, who she feels is the perfect match for her. She loves him, but from before and after her commitment to him, she has kept falling back on another guy; her first love. Both men -obviously- work with her every day in the hospital, so it doesn't make it less complicated! (now you don't doubt this is a TV-series, right?;)
.. The second guy will always be a big part of her life, - because he was her first love. But how does she know the reason she keeps coming back to him is not just because he is the safest bet, or because she isn't sure if she has stopped loving him, since she has never fallen 'out of love' before.
What feelings should she trust are from the heart?
I know I have been in situations when I didn't know which of my feelings I should act on, being the Queen of 'making-up-stories'. -I always think the people around me are part of a fairy tale with me. And I always cast the people wrong.
Because of this, I've always found it difficult to know when I should really trust my feelings, or think they are part of the fairy tale I dictate.
In that way, the girl in the show is a lot like me.
...
It's not like our crush in the 3rd grade is going to be the one we spend the rest of our life with.
It was just an attraction.
And childish flirt, right? - But what I've always remembered is that no matter what age I've been, it always felt serious and real to me.
Even though the world around you thinks you're silly and funny for falling in love with a boy in the 3rd grade, it doesn't change your point of view.
At your age, at that point of your development, under those circumstances, it is one of the most important things to you.
Looking back on your life, these things are probably not what will flash through your mind in the second before you die. As you get older, bigger things appear for you in life, bigger people, bigger moments, - bigger memories.
- But at the time, it meant the world to you. Right?
(If the crush from my kinder garden flashes before my eyes, when I take my last breath, I will make sure to haunt you all, saying how I have proved my message!)
So can't you translate that to later on in life?
When you're 18.
When you're 26.
It's important to you now. At this point of your development under the circumstances.
So when do you know that someone is truly meant to be for you, and not just someone that feels meant to be at the time.
How do you know it's him, when you've never been with anyone else?
How do you know if it's him alone that affects you, and not just the beautiful song that reminds you of your story?
- And this message goes for everything above guys too. How do you know you have made the right decisions?
I have for a long time thought about the fact that the decisions you make in life are taken in a millisecond. yes - they were thought through from a million of feelings that you had from the specific circumstances you were in. - But still, the decision was taken 'just' at the time.
How can you be so sure that what you choose now is what you'd also choose in 10 years from now?
... Maybe you just grow into those decisions.
Sure, you can make yourself go back to ground zero and try to pick something else from the shelf that you like better now.
But maybe you can't just turn 180 degrees.
Because the time you spent walking forward with that other thing in your hand from the shelf, already made it's mark in you. It was there, affecting every new step you took forward.
If you turn 180 degrees around, you have all that with you.
Maybe some of you might feel it's a huge blessing to understand that you can never be wrong, as long as you move forward. - because that's what it really means.
But maybe this is also a bad thing in some occasions - maybe you don't want to carry certain things with you, for the rest of your life.
But it's just something you don't choose.
Just like you don't choose that your grandma dies, but it still becomes a part of you, that you have to live with.
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You do the best you can, choose the best you can - and you have to go with those decisions for the rest of your life. Your decisions are you.
And that's why I for instance hate divorces, because you deny the decision you once made... trying to fight that part of you, instead of making it work and cherishing what it has made you.
Just one example.
I think everything that happens to you is meant to be.. I believe that there is a reason for everything.
Back to the guy - I like to think of everyone we meet in life as people who aren't there by coincidence, but people we were meant to meet. What they learnt us and what we learnt them forms us to who we are.
Everything that happens to you - good or bad -, - mistakes or triumphs -, is meant to be.
Trust the meaning in it.
So don't back out on yourself, stay true to the decisions you once made.
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Tonight I watched 'The Secret Garden', a movie from 1993. This is the story that was later turned into a musical, and this is where the song I'm singing at the moment for my performance class is from.Watch the movie - it's beautiful.
The story is beautiful. It's about a the friendship between a 10-year old girl and boy, blossoming in a secret garden they have found together. They beautiful garden belonged to the boy's mother. But she died giving birth to the boy, and ever since then, the garden has been locked up.
The girl just moved from India to this new family in England, because her parents died in a fire.
The children discuss the meaning of death. Through their struggle in moving on, they seek the garden daily; here they find life.
How could I know I would have to leave you? How could I know I would hurt you so?
These are the first lyrics of the song.
The song is heartbreaking, because it never gets anywhere; she never reaches her goal. She is a ghost singing to her loved one, trying to reach them and help them.
She asks her husband for forgiveness. She knows how much they need her. She looks down on them from heaven, acknowledging that she'll never fulfill the grand gift of a loving mother she had within herself.
I will see if I can upload a video of me performing it in class, which was taped by the school.
Quote from the girl, before the end credits:
"If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden."
I can't wait to write my next blog post.
Tomorrow I might go to a Broadway show. Check out the review ;)
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