A song made me think about something last night. How much bad stuff we take in and accept as being part of our lives... and we do this instead of accepting or self critique. It's so much harder to face that you hate yourself in some ways rather than other people hating you. After all you're supposed to be your own best friend. .. just sometimes you really don't want to.
Not that I'm in this state of mind entirely at the moment. ..it just made me realize this after hearing the lyrics :
"if you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself up, if your legs have given up under the weight, if you find that you've been settling for a world of gray; so you wouldn't have to face down your own hate"
And that's really what we do sometimes, because we don't understand our beauty and worth. . Isn't that scary?
In the first place we might've created hate because that's what the world told us about ourselves. ... so is that the truth?
No. There's always love. We're all loved. You yourself know by who. Your creator. Up to you to believe it or not.
BUT I don't really think that's the biggest issue. The biggest issue is believing you are worthy of that love.
No one gets it. It doesn't make sense, while we stumble on our journey trying to make it right after seeing so many wrongs.
Don't settle for a world of gray. Take the love.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Be unique. . so why didn't I think of this before?
As I was walking through the suburbs yesterday, I made myself a promise. . One that I should have thought more clearly about before. I promised myself for the coming semester, that I would present my unique -ability and colors that no one expected. .. whatever I myself find beautiful, and not what the teachers ask for or whatever type I try to fit into to feel like I'm an inhabited part of musical theatre. No. .. I want to create the' Jasmin type'. Sounds easy and obvious?
Well it's easy for you to say. .. but pretending your own type takes a lot of personal work and exploration in and out of all kinds of stories and memories to finally be able to not only define, but also stand up for who exactly you are.
That's what this semester's journey will be about for me. Because this is how I'll want to enter the professional world.
if that means I'll never fit into the Christine costume for phantom of the opera. . That's ok. I've played her in class and many times in my mind. .I just want to be in something that the unique me can portray. No one that tells me how to look or be. I want to surprise the world with something new. Something that I can even surprise myself with.
Talk to you soon!
Monday, October 27, 2014
Looking ahead at my last semester at school!
I am lying in my nest, under the best comforter ever and my head resting on a dumbo pillow, warmed by my new woolen cozy socks and the cute sounds of guinea pigs and the gross, but endearing snorts from Naya the dog... in other words, the basement of the house at the Wittenbergs.
The time is 12:12... afternoon time. I just jumped back underneath the covers from a breakfast break.. eggs on toast and chocolate milk and cheerios.. uhmm so American and so delicious.. I can't even..
Yes, I'm on holiday.. so this is well derserved and TOTALLY alright to be so lazy. I am telling you, I have needed to sleep on an insane level for so long. I got 10 hours last night, and yesterday I slept pretty much the whole day, with movie breaks in between... I watched Grey's anatomy series and the new Nicholas Sparks movie 'Safe Haven' and The Hunger games 2 'Catching fire'. And it was the best day ever. So great.
So great.
It was just so great. Being able to have a nap till forever was like a dream come true after a long semester with lots of big projects going on at once. I've been up late and up early to work on or film our dance video, that I partly choreographed.. there's been our movie musical project, which we've worked on intensely and will start filming soon.. and then all our finals. I was happy for the most part about the results.. mostly for our pop/rock class I was told that out of the yes, maybe and no piles from the audition table (on the 'real world' level), I got a yes.. meaning call back and keep in the good pile. This is good news.
Final picture with Pop/rock class. Favorite class of the year by far!
Geniuses: Bobby Cronin and Daniel Lincoln
Final class with Acting for film and TV.
Genius: TJ Mannix!
Final project for our movement class, theme "Dreams".
I was black/white swan. Makeup done by self!
On set filming for our jazz video
Group photo for our jazz video! This is our year.
Aren't we beautiful?!
Working on script for movie musical by Battery park!
... I have honestly recently had a downfall in my trust in myself as an artist.. I am not quite sure where this comes from. But I know I was so low that I needed to talk to a great teacher about how to find inspiration and my heart in the work again.. because at the time I'd done tons to find it again, and for a long period of time it seemed like I couldn't find it again. And it's never been so long that I've been away from my drive, devotion and persistence.
I am not certain if I have found my drive again.. I think I need to tell myself it's ok that I don't have as much energy all the time. There's been a lot of things I've taken on this year.
I just needed to hear that I was worthy and had enough to give to art. I knew I should be able to tell myself this, but for some reason I couldn't believe it. It had been long since I could see myself doing something grand. It just didn't feel realistic. But Iv'e realized this.... I've been confused because I've fallen more and more out of the 'regular types', the 'equal triple threads' and evident 'musical theatre types' as they are now.... thing is I don't fit perfectly into stereo types .. this is difficult to realize because when I walk into an audition room, a lot of times people haven't known how to cast me.. where to place me. But I've realized that it's because I have something else. I'm trying to figure out what.. I'm still learning and exploring... but I know that there are still shows ahead that have not been developed yet.
I have something unique and new to give. And it's hard to stand up for it, if I don't believe in that new.. but I am working on it. and trying to trust that it will be a new at least someone will love.
*
So now I am in the basement in my nest, yes, I need to give myself rest.. of mind and body.. and then later I'll perhaps take another walk out in autumn. It's my favorite thing these days. I've been some extremely gorgeous places. I will show you some of my favorite pictures.I told you how much I love the wind too right? Well the autumn this year is just even more magical.. it's an adventure and like a paradise to walk around in it. It is simply just beautiful here in New York.
Well I am looving the rain too. My grandpa does. I always thought him crazy for loving being wet and having a gross shower of water blown into your face so you can hardly see where you're going, and your hands get ice cold from walking in the rain, if you are fortunate enough to hold an ubrella... but no no, this year I love it so much. It's like a gift to me every time I can step out into the rain. The other day I was running and laughing through the streets as cats and dogs were pouring over me by Central Park, laughing so hard and feeling so free because I had no umbrella to protect me.
I'm peculiar.
This Halloween holiday I was kind of planning on getting away.. you know like take a Jasmin-like spontaneous trip away to maybe Oklahoma ... to see where Laury, my favorite Rodgers&Hammerstein story takes place, or perhaps Ohio where several of my friends from school are from, or Atlantic city where the musical Ragtime takes place which I recently saw at the library, or Boston where other friends of mine are staying.... YES so many places to go and visit spontaneously.. I am sure I would have a wonderful time.. but I wouldn't be fully rested, I figured. For the first time in my life I have decided to do nothing on a holiday break .. literally just prioritize sleep for this week. Which I am getting already.. and then yeah well of course I have things planned.
Wednesday and Thursday this week I have booked an amazing voluntary job in musical theatre. My former Spring Awakening director, Nathan Brewer, needed extras for ensemble scenes for a film shoot. I don't know much about what my job will be, just to show up be ready and positive. There are big Broadway stars on the shoot, so it will be so exciting, and amazing experience and a fantastic opportunity and look on my resume.
The rest of the week I plan on being more keen on my new VISA situation, I want to feel more comfortable with the whole process. I am scared that it won't work out. But I really don't want to have to travel away.. I feel at home here and I want my dreams to come true here and see myself grow more here.. It's my favorite place to do it. I've never seen and learnt more in my whole life.
This place is just so fantastic. And I also want to be where the challenge is greatest.. the more challenge the more bravery and gut it takes.. the stronger and more awesome I become.
*
Right now I am ... of course still lying in my nest... but now multitasking with Sarah, we're watching Funny face, an Audrey Hepburn, together. It's very cute and I haven't watched many of Audrey Hepburn's, so I'm glad she got me on for this.Last night I spent some quality time with the two other kids as well.. I saw a movie with each of them, Brave with Emma and Catching fire with Jake. Fun times.
Aaaah I'm on a break. I can't eveeen!!
I hope to see some movies on their netflix these next days... since I don't have a computer or access to netflix at home... I have missed it. I have missed my home here on Long Island. So I am glad to be here for a few days. My plan is to go back home tomorrow night.
Train ride to Long Island..
*
A few days ago, I was visited by my old friend from Denmark. Emil from my Contact show at Betty Nansen. This was the most amazing theatre experience I have from home in Copenhagen. Emil was also the actor in my first music video. We always hit it off and had the most fun together. I got to show him around the city. And always having had an unfulfilled fling with him, we ended up kissing by my favorite romantic fountain in the city. The one by Washington square park... just because I asked him too.. otherwise I thought I might never get a kiss here. And that's not ok, when you find the perfect spot for a romantic kiss, you should take the advantage of it when you have the opportunity!
It was great, we had the best and most magical evening together, including late night bagels and yoga class in Greenwich village and exploring the East village. One night. One fantasy. And then he was off. Off to the next place in USA, a ride that he'd gotten by a stranger he met at Union square - of course.. that's how he rolls.
That's how anyone rolls who runs by NYC.
The big apple is for quick, big and memorable experiences.. in every field quite literally.
Next thing I am waiting for my Broadway breakthrough ;)
*
Now to my favorite places for autumn in the city:1.) Prospect park - I found this place as I was heading towards the big Cemetery in Brooklyn, working on my character for my final Meisner character of this year (a monologue from the spoon river anthology). Prospect park is like Central park.. only in Brooklyn.. I mean it's not as big.. but it's definitely 'the park' on the Brooklyn side. It's much more 'forest-ey' and open with less people and less activities going on. That may just have been because I was there on a weekday in the early afternoon, while it was raining... but anyways, I had the most amazing walk and got some absolutely fantastic pictures. This place is so peaceful and amazing.
Wood side cemetary. Gorgeous.
My favorite picture from Prospect park.. of course edited a bit,
but not too much.. these are the real colors. Amazing right?
2.) Battery park - now this is way smaller, and more like a riverside area than a big an actual park.. but what they've done with the arrangement of flowers and the sitting places are amazing. This place is a 5 minute walk from my school, so this is where I go in some breaks when I need some sun or some air or some alone time. The beautiful cover picture from facebook that so many friends commented about, I took here.
There is a special place where you can walk up a set of stairs to this single bench. Just one bench that just sits there, ready for a wonderer to come gaze at the view or a couple to come get some alone time.
It's perfect.
My favorite spot by Battery park. The building behind me is the school.
I am looking over the water at the Statue of Liberty!
Gold and heaven by Battery park!
3.) Fort Tryant park - favorite all time place. This is a better breathing place and free writing place and adventure place than Central Park. I am so glad I found it. I may love it so much because I have a special story attached to this park. I came here first with my best friend and we carved our names in the tree, so when I look at the view, I always see it as if I'm sharing it with her.
This is a place she had recommended from another friend when she needed to find a special spot to breathe out of the city. And the fact that she now shared this with me is very special. Not many people know about this place because it's the furthest uptown Manhattan you can go to the last stop of the A-train... but it really only takes 30 min or so from where I live and it's so easy to go there.
There are so many squirrels in the park that are very friendly and brave with humans and there are beavers crawling around you on the grass!
The first thing you see when you step into the park
Beavers running close to my feet!
Pictures from the day I was with Kerrie in the park:
Tarzan and Jane
A little Anastasia <3
My little sunshine and best friend
In her neighborhood.
Some pretty fine places I'd like to live in some day!
On my roof top!
Sunset at the Markle!
The only reason I haven't written Central Park on this list yet, is that I haven't gone to visit Central Park for the autumn this year yet. But I can't wait, and it's definitely on my list of things to do when I get back on Manhattan.
*
Wow.. I am heading towards my last semester at NYFA... It's so overwhelming. I mean for long I haven't wanted to even think about it, because I knew the thought of it would make me so sad... but now that I see there is only roughly 4 months left of school, it is really starting to get to me.Therefore these days in bed will be about finding my positivity and fire for putting the last effort in the NYFA work. I need not to spend my 4 months being sad about ending soon.. lol. I need it to be a blast and the best memory I have from school so far.
And then after that I will be staying for my training 4 months more in the country, I assume. I hope to find work in a theatre in some way and then to have several projects running, maybe find readings or other things that my teachers have in the working process.
*
I want to get some more rest now. Sounds silly right.. maybe I'm out there to get a record in sleeping the most in a week. We'll see. Susan will soon be home so I might do some devotion or just cozy tea time with her later.
Their cat Simba. Cutee!
I need just a teeeeny bit of air too..so I might take that walk around the house and let you know how autumn looks in Hempstead!
I will definitely talk to you soon!
X
...... Look at how pretty it is outside in the suburbs!
Monday, October 13, 2014
Have you ever seen a bad play in New York City?
Ok; this is really awkward…… I am sitting in the dark, in a theatre watching a play… and I have clocked out.. I really can’t do it… it’s SO boring.
It was a spontaneous pick that I chose, because I felt the need to see something else than just Broadway or off-Broadway, whatever…. It’s interesting, there are really some parts of this weird piece of art that made me stop and think.. but I don’t get the purpose of it. More importantly, WHY am I here??!
I don’t know what the heck this is.
A play about the effect of absinth. It is so abstract and boring that it make me sad.
I just want to go home and sleep and actually find my inner hope and smile again.
Probably take a bath before sleeping. I want chocolate and good tea. And I want to get rid of my bad mood. I am still affected by hearing my work is shit only few days ago.. and the numerous times I’ve had a voice inside of me saying that I maybe shouldn’t be doing this, because I’m not good enough.
I wish I could talk to my grandma.
I miss my family.
I need to be with people who really love me.
In a way Kerrie here is my family. We expect to spend the coming holidays together if there are no other plans for us.
*
I feel like time is standing still right now, I can’t even…..
“Don’t fly too close to the sun, your wings will burn off” – that’s the only text I took with me from the play so far, being now halfway through it)… I don’t know what it means.. but in some ways, it excited me and scares me at the same time; this saying.
I like it now, there’s a sound of the rain onstage. It’s chilling and refreshing. And I so love the autumn chill at the moment, did I tell you?
I don’t know why, it’s like the wind keeps me alive and clean – I can’t explain it. Is that a thing you have when you grow up?
Did anyone else find this?
Now, this play is really pissing me off (excuse my language), no really yes, it is because it couldn’t be that thing, the simple piece of inspiration that I exactly needed at the moment. I need something to inspire me and remind me of what I’m doing here. Not just NY… but like here for performing. At the moment I don’t have that thirst and drive and belief in myself and my dream. I need to watch proper storytelling.
Something that makes me forget the stage is just pretend. I need to be drawn onto the stage. Something that raises my soul away from the audience seat and reaches towards the stage, with such a devotional yearn to be a part of the story onstage.
So yes… actually this was just a quick update.. obviously.. I will start writing about this past semester soon.. seeing that it will end in a week… wow… woaw…!
Just for now, right here in this moment, I had nothing else to do but write, though.
I am SO bored.
I have not been so bored in years. This would be a form of torture actually.. and the play takes place in the basement of the theatre building… it’s like a place you could go into hiding.
You never know; maybe I’ll never be let out of here. Maybe that’s the big surprise that changes this big experience to the otherwise expected memorable piece.
Jeez, but no I rather just get to my bed soon.
I need to let out some anger. Like really do. I need to punch something.
Scattered thoughts.
Being aware of this, I still can’t even gather them and try t make sense of it. What do you gather from it?
A good story?
Depression?
I am planning to go on camping with Kerrie, or take a train trip. It could be wonderful. We both need to get away for just a few days. It could be sweet.
Just talking, peace, cuddles, board games (actually I take that back, because Kerrie is crazy competitive and I take loosing to a crazy winner very personal).
*
I think everyone in this play took something… like seriously strong and weird. It’s like drunks playing around with ‘it’.
Wow, they are crazy….. I can’t even….
If I fell asleep in this theatre, and woke up for the next day’s performance, I would be the unhappiest person on this planet. In fact I might take something for myself, had I not been able to write out this insane conflict in my mind.
Oh gosh…. I sense we are drawing near the end. Now I shall look forward to a 40 minute walk home.
Here is another good thing I took from the play…. They say “Forgive the pain. .. and what happened in the past, what you did wrong and regret.” The pain is too painful.
And you know what, they are right.. I forgive them for delivering such a shit script.
It’s a good idea, just not worth watching. Life is short.. but we are all just trying to figure out life. Especially us actors. I forgive them.
So now I will go in peace. Later tonight, I will work on forgiving the pain that I sometimes give myself because I am weak at forgiving myself.
Lol, it’s so ironic, not they speak of second chances.. yeah, I’ll give them a second chance as actors. They’ll find their moment of shine.. just like I am searching for mine.
It was a spontaneous pick that I chose, because I felt the need to see something else than just Broadway or off-Broadway, whatever…. It’s interesting, there are really some parts of this weird piece of art that made me stop and think.. but I don’t get the purpose of it. More importantly, WHY am I here??!
I don’t know what the heck this is.
A play about the effect of absinth. It is so abstract and boring that it make me sad.
I just want to go home and sleep and actually find my inner hope and smile again.
Probably take a bath before sleeping. I want chocolate and good tea. And I want to get rid of my bad mood. I am still affected by hearing my work is shit only few days ago.. and the numerous times I’ve had a voice inside of me saying that I maybe shouldn’t be doing this, because I’m not good enough.
I wish I could talk to my grandma.
I miss my family.
I need to be with people who really love me.
In a way Kerrie here is my family. We expect to spend the coming holidays together if there are no other plans for us.
*
I feel like time is standing still right now, I can’t even…..
“Don’t fly too close to the sun, your wings will burn off” – that’s the only text I took with me from the play so far, being now halfway through it)… I don’t know what it means.. but in some ways, it excited me and scares me at the same time; this saying.
I like it now, there’s a sound of the rain onstage. It’s chilling and refreshing. And I so love the autumn chill at the moment, did I tell you?
I don’t know why, it’s like the wind keeps me alive and clean – I can’t explain it. Is that a thing you have when you grow up?
Did anyone else find this?
Now, this play is really pissing me off (excuse my language), no really yes, it is because it couldn’t be that thing, the simple piece of inspiration that I exactly needed at the moment. I need something to inspire me and remind me of what I’m doing here. Not just NY… but like here for performing. At the moment I don’t have that thirst and drive and belief in myself and my dream. I need to watch proper storytelling.
Something that makes me forget the stage is just pretend. I need to be drawn onto the stage. Something that raises my soul away from the audience seat and reaches towards the stage, with such a devotional yearn to be a part of the story onstage.
So yes… actually this was just a quick update.. obviously.. I will start writing about this past semester soon.. seeing that it will end in a week… wow… woaw…!
Just for now, right here in this moment, I had nothing else to do but write, though.
I am SO bored.
I have not been so bored in years. This would be a form of torture actually.. and the play takes place in the basement of the theatre building… it’s like a place you could go into hiding.
You never know; maybe I’ll never be let out of here. Maybe that’s the big surprise that changes this big experience to the otherwise expected memorable piece.
Jeez, but no I rather just get to my bed soon.
I need to let out some anger. Like really do. I need to punch something.
Scattered thoughts.
Being aware of this, I still can’t even gather them and try t make sense of it. What do you gather from it?
A good story?
Depression?
I am planning to go on camping with Kerrie, or take a train trip. It could be wonderful. We both need to get away for just a few days. It could be sweet.
Just talking, peace, cuddles, board games (actually I take that back, because Kerrie is crazy competitive and I take loosing to a crazy winner very personal).
*
I think everyone in this play took something… like seriously strong and weird. It’s like drunks playing around with ‘it’.
Wow, they are crazy….. I can’t even….
If I fell asleep in this theatre, and woke up for the next day’s performance, I would be the unhappiest person on this planet. In fact I might take something for myself, had I not been able to write out this insane conflict in my mind.
Oh gosh…. I sense we are drawing near the end. Now I shall look forward to a 40 minute walk home.
Here is another good thing I took from the play…. They say “Forgive the pain. .. and what happened in the past, what you did wrong and regret.” The pain is too painful.
And you know what, they are right.. I forgive them for delivering such a shit script.
It’s a good idea, just not worth watching. Life is short.. but we are all just trying to figure out life. Especially us actors. I forgive them.
So now I will go in peace. Later tonight, I will work on forgiving the pain that I sometimes give myself because I am weak at forgiving myself.
Lol, it’s so ironic, not they speak of second chances.. yeah, I’ll give them a second chance as actors. They’ll find their moment of shine.. just like I am searching for mine.
Friday night at 11:30
This is approximately when my day of work ended, finishing school at 10 with the rehearsal for our dance video. For the first time in definitely a whole semester, I felt the weight of worry and self-judgment and giving in. In such a way that when I got off the elevator on my floor and looked into the mirror – which is a habit I’ve kept doing for months, because it helped me to see how much stronger and more beautiful I’d grown after each day of hard work – this time when I looked in the mirror, it’s like I saw the old Jasmin.. the one in the first semester that let other people say she wasn’t good enough and believe that there were no limits of her dreams, but definitely of the reality of them…
I looked so sad and exhausted that I haven’t been for as long as I can remember.
Today we rehearsed the dance video, the section that I’ve choreographed. We are two days away from shooting the film, and we had to spend today polishing the dance. Instead our feedback was that the dance looked like shit and that the story didn’t come across. All tension and eyes on me, who had choreographed it. They just hadn’t gotten my intention, I guess, so there was no meaning behind the steps whatsoever. It looked like shit our teacher told us, but then again there was not much to do about it being only a few days away from filming.. therefore we were asked to just do it as well as we could. So obviously we stayed a little extra and our teacher was wonderful to help with his ideas. He wasn’t mean, just telling me the truth. Which was ok, just a little harsh, being so few days away. Sure made me stress out, I hope I can sleep tonight is all I pray.. because I have Saturday school tomorrow from 12-6 pm. .. then I’m seeing a play at 8 pm… and then I’ll film the next day, Sunday, at 8 am till late evening.
So exhausted and worn of my job today that I burst into tears when I entered my room.
I knew that I had to sleep and take care of myself.. whilst trying to tell myself that it didn’t mean I was a bad choreographer…I
I just think that I’m not the dancer I think I am sometimes, and then I get disappointed when I can’t fulfill and easily learn new adjustments and ideas to my original project.
It’s probably better to stick to writing and maybe singing. I don’t know, where I really do something that change people. This is apparently not it, and it makes me feel really shitty actually.. excuse my French …. I just think I’d better face the facts before I get hurt of not being able to fulfill those dreams of myself.
I just don’t think I can watch myself being worn down by something I can’t fulfill anyway. Am I finally right about something.. or are you all suggesting I should jump into bed and not think about it till I’m fully rested again?
Beside my bed is the candle decoration I made, that says “Dream” on the inside. I lid a tea light to put it in there, but as I leaned over, I couldn’t bare to put the candle inside of it… I couldn’t let the word “Dream” light up. I think I should take that word more lightly, since it’s kind of destroying me tonight.
No one gets my art at the moment anyway… I can’t compose, I can’t sing the genres we’re going through at the moment (this includes rock), I can’t finish a whole choreography at dance auditions like every one else, I can’t tell a story through dance very well, so they say…..
Above my head are glow in the dark stars. It is the most amazing invention and decoration ever. I love them so much. It’s surreal though… looking at the stars from underneath… it seems like an old dream that never faded away.. and here I am lost out in the stars. Little stars, big stars, blowing through the night.. and I’m lost out here in the stars…
I should really get some rest, I think. These thoughts are literally killing me. There is so much I wanted to do.. but you can’t be and do everything, you know?
Do you every just wanna punch someone in the face?
Have you ever seen One day… the saddest movie on this planet that makes me sob like a baby for hours after?
Have you ever thought what the world would be like if you weren’t here?
… well I’d better hop into bed. I am beyond way way way beyond exhausted. There are no words for it. I can’t even.
My friend tells me that I am very special, and that I should take my own advice and write it out over two pages.. what a shitty thing to do, if it’s not true. I don’t want to lie, you know?
I guess I will wait till I believe it, sometime after I’ve rested.. .when I have done something extraordinary.
I shouldn’t even be thinking these thoughts, some people are far worse off than me, and I should know that I am alright and can shine in my way.
And that that’s cool. I just hate only hearing myself saying it.. I think … wait …. I am falling asleep. I should better go to bed.
I am beyonnnnnnd exhausted.
Looking forward to be back, possibly with more hope and maybe new ideas of what I can actually do with my life these days without feeling like a di-sa-ster.
Ok, bye. X
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The wind of fall
There’s actually something quite liberating and powerful about sitting outside on a bench in a park in the strong wind of fall. I usually hate it, those first signs of the cold emerging as the seasons change towards wintertime.
But I actually love it right now. My hair is all over my face blown in all directions, and the wind brushes past, but also through me, like a body and soul cleanse.
I recently discovered that my whole back has so many knots that it’s like stone. It’s such a weight, and it comes from stress and sadness and punishment of myself those times when I continuously push myself and never think it’s enough.
It sounds harsh, but it’s the reality – proof is the millions of knots in my back.
So right now I am in the process of daily massage recovery, from my best friend Kerrie who’s been educated in muscles and is excellent at removing knots. It hurts like MAD – every night she cures me a step more, I think I might die all over again – but every day I see it getting better. And eventually, little by little, it’s like I have angel wings and float through the room – not carrying a weight on myself. The weight the world gives you is enough – I shouldn’t have a solid barrier weigh down on my back.
Enough about weight…
After a long period of resistance and prioritizing rest and relaxation over training, I have finally found a good drive again. Not the insane kind that drives me dead every day – but just the right amount I should have for getting my schoolwork done.
Arrgh!... I am freaking out every time I have a pen and paper in front of me – because I have such an enormous need of free writing and sharing so much of what’s happening around me and how greatly things have changed recently. But I can’t.. I’ve grown to be part of other people’s lives and secrets and so much of me now is what I am with other people. Wow, I really don’t think I make sense, do I?
It’s OK.
Jasmin, stop criticizing yourself – you’re not bad at writing, I am just going through a writer’s block, I guess.
*
I want to write a musical.
I have so many ideas floating around in the air – some just scattered, unwhole thoughts, others are bits and pieces of actual songs or characters I’ve started to create and compose.
There is a wonderful thing about starting something creative. – you’re opening up to something new that now will always be part of you and part of the working progress. And when you’ve opened this door, you can never go back. You’ve opened a new world, you’ve set life to something.
I have a great idea for a theme, but as of now, I feel like it is this big lump of words inside me that are longing to get out – and don’t really know yet how to be turned into gold.
I won’t dare to share my storyline yet, I’d rather feel confident and further in the process with it. I actually began it as a novel – 10 chapters in.. so maybe that should be finished..
Maybe my best friend can help me with it – guiding my thoughts at least. She is so smart and artistic too.
Oh my gosh, so about my new best friend. She was a girl in my year in the musical theatre program that I always respected very much. She is a very warm and kind little ray of sunshine, but I had never imagined we’d get this tight.
Through some events that happened this semester, which caused her to take a break from nyfa, I happened to be a friend at the right time and place. Right after writing my song ‘Grace’, I sent this to her just as a kind gesture and hope of support in her situation.
Then weeks after, from the moment she admitted that that song is what got her through the day, we started talking more and more.
And as she began to trust me more, we opened up to more in depth things, which seemed like the kind temporary friendship that was created for those sweet moments. But one day I asked her if she wanted to compose with me, knowing that she had a song inside of her she needed to let out. We spent hours and hours till way past midnight and created something extremely beautiful.
And we talked about what grace meant. And the more we talked, the more inseparable we became, the more whole we felt when we were with each other.
We both talk ‘novel’-length like crazy, but are also the best listeners and comforters for each other.
See, I thought God had guided me into her life to be there for her as the friend she needed at the time, but it didn’t take me long to discover that what she gave me in return was priceless. It’s actually insane how much we are alike – but not on that level where it gets boring and normal…
The cute little details like; favorite type of movie, loving Disney, loving cuddles, loving tea, loving fairy tales and cozyness and things like always putting our finger up to measure the size of the moon at night, and being connected to Africa (having both been to Kenya).
.. and the fact that we’re hard working, sensible, mature, strong, optimistic souls mean that it is safe and smart to push each other – wanting the best for one another’s growth.
It’s different for me with other friends that I feel get annoyed or cave in when I try to gently push them to work harder and fight for themselves and it’s tough sometimes to either feel too admired from being seen as such a dedicated and hardworking artist – because some of my persistence actually withers away because I start to expect so much more of myself that I can do.
.. Or on the other hand I feel jealousy and bitterness in a mild form or another, because I see them punishing themselves or hiding or avoiding me, because they aren’t strong enough to go with the pressure or the expectations. I’ve experienced a lot of that at nyfa.
But most of the time, I have been overjoyed to be the good example that helps create a stringer and more positive atmosphere in class. People have been so positive and uplifted at times when I could feel the whole community of the class as one working cell that supported and encouraged and complimented each other.
Not that that’s all my work – at ALL .. but the fact that numerous school mates have come up to me and thanked me for being a great example, is really rewarding – not for my ego, but my heart.
So what has been going on at school these past three month? Which classes do I have, and how’s the development going? - That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?
I’ve already sat on this bench for an hour, writing non-stop.. I am getting cold, but gladly this is ‘live-able’ right now. I have about an hour more, before I need to head back to school for speech class. My plan is to spend at least some of my time today in front of a piano. I really need that. Also read some more in my book, ‘The artist’s way’, work some abs a little.. but see… I won’t fit that into and hour, so I’ll probably, realistically, just hope for one of those. I will get it done during the day more though.
I have another 2 hour break later before a small dance class.
Tonight there is this movie that I found again and haven’t watched in too long. ‘One day’ with Anne Hathaway (one of my favorite artists) – it is so beautiful and heartbreaking this movie.. then I want to finish a Christian lesson in a book I went through with Kerrie yesterday, and after this long , windy cleanse, I feel like I should have a proper long shower when I finally get home later tonight.
Tonight I am teaching dance at NY temple. I have about 4 kids in the class, which is a cute and intense group. We have worked with modern-inspired
I run the dance at NY temple, including the dance for Hempstead corps. In Hempstead I focus more on technique, starting from a lot of ballet exercises because there I have a good group of young, eager girls who mostly have danced before. We will work towards performances at meetings in church, but also star search, - the big competition in the summer where the whole territory participates.
This is making me tired – and I realize that I haven’t had enough sleep. Getting this cleanse outside is good. Very good for me.
And when I get back later, I will share a bit more about these past 3 months – for real and share pictures too….
I hope you’re all doing well.
xxx
But I actually love it right now. My hair is all over my face blown in all directions, and the wind brushes past, but also through me, like a body and soul cleanse.
I recently discovered that my whole back has so many knots that it’s like stone. It’s such a weight, and it comes from stress and sadness and punishment of myself those times when I continuously push myself and never think it’s enough.
It sounds harsh, but it’s the reality – proof is the millions of knots in my back.
So right now I am in the process of daily massage recovery, from my best friend Kerrie who’s been educated in muscles and is excellent at removing knots. It hurts like MAD – every night she cures me a step more, I think I might die all over again – but every day I see it getting better. And eventually, little by little, it’s like I have angel wings and float through the room – not carrying a weight on myself. The weight the world gives you is enough – I shouldn’t have a solid barrier weigh down on my back.
Enough about weight…
After a long period of resistance and prioritizing rest and relaxation over training, I have finally found a good drive again. Not the insane kind that drives me dead every day – but just the right amount I should have for getting my schoolwork done.
Arrgh!... I am freaking out every time I have a pen and paper in front of me – because I have such an enormous need of free writing and sharing so much of what’s happening around me and how greatly things have changed recently. But I can’t.. I’ve grown to be part of other people’s lives and secrets and so much of me now is what I am with other people. Wow, I really don’t think I make sense, do I?
It’s OK.
Jasmin, stop criticizing yourself – you’re not bad at writing, I am just going through a writer’s block, I guess.
*
I want to write a musical.
I have so many ideas floating around in the air – some just scattered, unwhole thoughts, others are bits and pieces of actual songs or characters I’ve started to create and compose.
There is a wonderful thing about starting something creative. – you’re opening up to something new that now will always be part of you and part of the working progress. And when you’ve opened this door, you can never go back. You’ve opened a new world, you’ve set life to something.
I have a great idea for a theme, but as of now, I feel like it is this big lump of words inside me that are longing to get out – and don’t really know yet how to be turned into gold.
I won’t dare to share my storyline yet, I’d rather feel confident and further in the process with it. I actually began it as a novel – 10 chapters in.. so maybe that should be finished..
Maybe my best friend can help me with it – guiding my thoughts at least. She is so smart and artistic too.
Oh my gosh, so about my new best friend. She was a girl in my year in the musical theatre program that I always respected very much. She is a very warm and kind little ray of sunshine, but I had never imagined we’d get this tight.
Through some events that happened this semester, which caused her to take a break from nyfa, I happened to be a friend at the right time and place. Right after writing my song ‘Grace’, I sent this to her just as a kind gesture and hope of support in her situation.
Then weeks after, from the moment she admitted that that song is what got her through the day, we started talking more and more.
And as she began to trust me more, we opened up to more in depth things, which seemed like the kind temporary friendship that was created for those sweet moments. But one day I asked her if she wanted to compose with me, knowing that she had a song inside of her she needed to let out. We spent hours and hours till way past midnight and created something extremely beautiful.
And we talked about what grace meant. And the more we talked, the more inseparable we became, the more whole we felt when we were with each other.
We both talk ‘novel’-length like crazy, but are also the best listeners and comforters for each other.
See, I thought God had guided me into her life to be there for her as the friend she needed at the time, but it didn’t take me long to discover that what she gave me in return was priceless. It’s actually insane how much we are alike – but not on that level where it gets boring and normal…
The cute little details like; favorite type of movie, loving Disney, loving cuddles, loving tea, loving fairy tales and cozyness and things like always putting our finger up to measure the size of the moon at night, and being connected to Africa (having both been to Kenya).
.. and the fact that we’re hard working, sensible, mature, strong, optimistic souls mean that it is safe and smart to push each other – wanting the best for one another’s growth.
It’s different for me with other friends that I feel get annoyed or cave in when I try to gently push them to work harder and fight for themselves and it’s tough sometimes to either feel too admired from being seen as such a dedicated and hardworking artist – because some of my persistence actually withers away because I start to expect so much more of myself that I can do.
.. Or on the other hand I feel jealousy and bitterness in a mild form or another, because I see them punishing themselves or hiding or avoiding me, because they aren’t strong enough to go with the pressure or the expectations. I’ve experienced a lot of that at nyfa.
But most of the time, I have been overjoyed to be the good example that helps create a stringer and more positive atmosphere in class. People have been so positive and uplifted at times when I could feel the whole community of the class as one working cell that supported and encouraged and complimented each other.
Not that that’s all my work – at ALL .. but the fact that numerous school mates have come up to me and thanked me for being a great example, is really rewarding – not for my ego, but my heart.
So what has been going on at school these past three month? Which classes do I have, and how’s the development going? - That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?
I’ve already sat on this bench for an hour, writing non-stop.. I am getting cold, but gladly this is ‘live-able’ right now. I have about an hour more, before I need to head back to school for speech class. My plan is to spend at least some of my time today in front of a piano. I really need that. Also read some more in my book, ‘The artist’s way’, work some abs a little.. but see… I won’t fit that into and hour, so I’ll probably, realistically, just hope for one of those. I will get it done during the day more though.
I have another 2 hour break later before a small dance class.
Tonight there is this movie that I found again and haven’t watched in too long. ‘One day’ with Anne Hathaway (one of my favorite artists) – it is so beautiful and heartbreaking this movie.. then I want to finish a Christian lesson in a book I went through with Kerrie yesterday, and after this long , windy cleanse, I feel like I should have a proper long shower when I finally get home later tonight.
Tonight I am teaching dance at NY temple. I have about 4 kids in the class, which is a cute and intense group. We have worked with modern-inspired
I run the dance at NY temple, including the dance for Hempstead corps. In Hempstead I focus more on technique, starting from a lot of ballet exercises because there I have a good group of young, eager girls who mostly have danced before. We will work towards performances at meetings in church, but also star search, - the big competition in the summer where the whole territory participates.
This is making me tired – and I realize that I haven’t had enough sleep. Getting this cleanse outside is good. Very good for me.
And when I get back later, I will share a bit more about these past 3 months – for real and share pictures too….
I hope you’re all doing well.
xxx
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