I am restless, trying to find the time to finally get to the time I'm actually at now.
But One thing at a time!
So a couple of weeks ago I needed to talk to my dance teachers about classes, and the stress of wanting to be better than I am in the art - (the mind of a perfectionist)..
But she said that; I have probably come farthest of all the students at this school. She said she wished she could have shown me videos of me from 6 months ago. My muscles have changed so much. From starting dancing from scratch I have now gone to a triple pirouette.
WOw, I say, that's actually pretty impressive, I suddenly think to myself. Very very impressive!
Why shouldn't I be proud then?
...Good job my love, I say
Really cool building I think!
Capezio, NY; New ballet clothes for mock audition in ballet class
Today is SUCH a lovely weather. Spring is in the air, the smells from nature are slowly overlapping the frost on the nose.
This morning I had my costume fitting for Ilse in Spring Awakening.
My Ilse boots. In the style of the show and my character. I have grown to love these with every new step of the journey wearing them
The place was at Fordham university. Such a cool theatre. First very original ChrIstine I ever had on. They were rented from a theatre in Oklahoma. I did there in the mirror and looked at Ilses physics and her physical behavior.
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Now I am sitting on the fountain by Lincoln center. What a place!
Lincoln center: the metropolitan opera, New York city ballet and the New York Philharmonic.
A little ballerina in full costume just walked out to take pictures.
This is the center of art and so very inspiring. I am lying by the fountain looking straight down into the water.
Hundreds of coins are thrown into the water. Perhaps this has been from artists who wished for luck in fulfilling their dreams through the world of art. At least I did. . Or will do now. .. *plop*
Now the city knows all about it.
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Wow my thoughts keep being interrupted, I'm telling you there's nothing like sitting by this fountain. It's nice to pretend that I belong here in the ballerina world. And then I look down on my legs that are awkwardly turned out and my crooked lower back. . Yicks!! I feel fat and uneven. The thinner the closer my heels can be tucked by my toes in 5th position .. the greater lines, the closer to a figure in a music box I am.
I want to feel that aligned with my body. Which is why I decided not too easy anything more than what's in my bag for the day. . Which is an Apple, an orange, a granola bar, baby carrots and tomatoes and a bag of salt crackers and lots of water.
We will see if I can keep it. .I've tried every day the past few weeks. .I always get so hungry. . But I think a good plan is to eat a lot when I am very active. . On the days I have dance. . On days on a chair in class,
It's better not to feed a creature sitting down. . It's only gonna be gained. Jeez the irony. . I think this is a sick and messed up theory. But whatever it takes, I figured.
I think I have a better chance than anyone else at school. A couple of days ago. . When I had a sudden breakdown because I felt like I want improving as fast as I could, my teacher came over to me and told me that I was the one who had improved most out of every one. That is something to be very proud of.
A little boy, about 6 years old, just threw a coin in the fountain. What's your wish?, I thought.
Funny how things work out on life. Yesterday I had a major breakdown because I found myself mentioning that I worked 6 jobs on top of high school studies to get here . After that had sunk in and i was reminded of ask the work I had done for this dream.
I burst into tears, and I couldn't stop..I thought, I had wasted that first semester with doubt, distress and in confidence in myself. I hadn't allowed myself to blossom like the girl I saw in my dreams. I realised that its hard work all the way - most of all when you reached your goal, because you need a spine of steel and trust in knowing that you're worthy and deserve it.
Believe it or not. . That is the hardest part - understanding that we're worthy of the things achieved in life. Isn't that ironic, the biggest resistance of yourself is you. Such a melancholic feeling i had, almost an out of body experience. . Seeing myself from the outside. This girl who keeps fighting and dreaming. . And ALL of that takes place in one tiny soul. Just take a second and think about yourself. Isn't it the weirdest feeling ever. . Noticing how your whole perspective, the dreams, goals, plans, fears take place in one soul. So fragile, so private. So tender and beautiful. And everywhere we walk there. Are oceans and mountains full of unique stories in each little human being. Funny. .I just kept on writing this sentence, without thinking how I should end it, and my fingers typed 'little', without my head planning it. I think that says something. We're ask just as small, and yet just as enormous. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't an artist, if I couldn't learn from this world. Where would I be?
So the story of the breakdown finishes when I walk into performance class and perform the sing dancing all the time from big the musical, and I was able to put all of my feelings into the song. I have never done better in that class, and my teacher took great notice of that. He said, "your pure sensitivity is so very beautiful. Isn't she lovely?". He turned to the class and asked. That moment I was certain that I had something no one else could give, and now people knew.
I didn't feel like a soulless creature will was invisible in the world anymore. I am doing so well, and I should be proud. More hard work. . It's like a high when it pays off!
Now I'll finish for now to go to the library and get some old Meryl Streep movies, ballet books abd biographies of agnes De Mille and sheet music for my next song in work. Ttyl
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I couldn't check out the books I wanted, because the old treasures were forbidden outside the library.. So I might find some of them online.
Training my 1st position waiting on the platform.
In about a month's time I am going to see my first ballet performance in a longggggg time, I can't wait!!
I am so very excited about the weather change, I know it will give me renewed energy. I am looking forward to see how much more it can do for me.
Quite a beautiful picture, isn't it? Who'd think the sun would reach the underground, usually so dark and creepy. .
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After rehearsals I went to a comedy musical that my teacher Kristy Cates is in. Very exciting. I am always so happy and inspired by seeing my teachers' works. Going to school has never been better, because you learn just as much about your teachers as what they're teaching about. . And them about you. It's a wonderful world, when you see it from this perspective.
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My voice has been ruined for the day, and us killing me, because i really didn't make a smart choice today of pushing my voice too much. . Because the parts are lower than where my comfortable range lies. So tomorrow I bet I will wake up cranky and worse than today. . But Tonight I will do my best of resting with tea.
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I sleept on my roof top last night, and out was the best thing I had done for myself in a long time. It was windy, so therefore a but cool. .I wore jogging trousers, a sweater and had a blanket wrapped around me. At some point I woke up and had to get my duvet from downstairs. It was taking me some time to get used to sleeping in such a fresh environment. . Usually my room is overheated or overfarted and having the window open doesn't make much of a difference.
It was such a perfect time for me, and again. ..I can't believe I am so lucky to be here.
I was quite tired today, I don't know why. . Maybe because I didn't eat so much. . And also my throat got really bad again today. I don't know why, and it's getting frustrated. ..
I just came from rehearsal. . It is now 9:59 and I am in the subway, almost falling asleep over my phone. This is my stop on the subway.
...
Oh man - I did it again. .I thought I could have posted far more than this and at least get half a week further ahead on what's been happening this past week.
Here's what will hopefully soon be coming up:
- Aladdin.. for entertainment, not storytelling
- My soldier enrollment and current visit of my grandparents from Denmark
- 'Bullets over Broadway ' by new favorite director/choreographer
- Times square church in a Broadway theatre!!!
- morning walk to school seeing the city wake up
- spring dresses in a row
- Gelsey Kirkland, my ballet duplicate.. And idol...
- update on Spring awakening
- another way of getting close to heaven,-massage
- Easter munchies...
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