Monday afternoon after Easter

For some miraculous reason I am now very pleased, eager and comfortable with my learning process today.
I am not scared or nervous, or even perfectionistic - I am just learning and taking things in as they come.

Looking in the mirror on my way out of the girl's bathroom, I see the evidence of not enough sleep from the resemblance I got of mashed potatoes looking at my face. Usually this would kill me on a school day at school because I think a big part of doing your best and being well-presented is looking your best.
But no - today I looked at my face and was happy, I just saw my reflection in the mirror saying, "Awesome, today I am just human."
In a very beautiful way I chose to be human for the day, nothing less, nothing more.

It sounds down right ridiculous this thought doesn't come naturally to me waking up any day of my life, right?
But truly, attending an elite school the pressure keeps making you feel that what you do is never enough. You always want to be and look better.

Here's the magic part of this whole secret.... and the one thing that our teacher's desperately try to get into our heads OVER and OVER again; the biggest, most beautiful and most awesome way of showing yourself is,  - quite ironically (as I already mentioned it in the sentence) - being YOURSELF.
But what does that mean?
- how do you show that.. which part of it? Is everything valid? What's appropriate?

Learning this career is about learning yourself, and the biggest education we are going through is learning WHO we are. Sure, in a few words and with a lot of experiences and random facts, I could talk about who I am.... but underneath all that.. WHO am I really?
I could work on some adjectives to describe myself.
But truly, this is about knowing what kind of treasure it is I bring into the room of an audition.
I need to know what I can do, that no - one else can.
Beautifully - everyone has that in them.
.. and sadly for this type of career - when walking into an audition room, it often only becomes visible when you are aware of what it is.

OK - long talk.
So what suddenly flipped my day around? What made me change for my audition technique class?

1. I got a coffee downstairs (with hazelnut and vanilla taste in it!).. one reason, I almost fell asleep in my combat class. Yep - you know you're well tired when you almost fall asleep while being punched in the face or giving someone a kick in between the legs.
Literally, not as extreme.. but yes, doing tumble turns on the mat in the class room almost felt like a pleasant roll onto a comfy bed. Which it so wasn't, because I accidentally bruised my shoulder just slightly..

- option number -...
2. My audition tech teacher started the 12:30 class by asking us what we wanted to do better from yesterday. And this is such an important part to consider, because sometimes running through the days of your calender, it is sometimes forgotten than the purpose is not too get through the days harmless, but to explore, search, dare and learn something new every day. Becoming a better actor, dancer and singer every day. But most importantly becoming a better person. Working on yourself with minor steps each day is the key to success.

So my teacher asked this question and it really made me think and pay attention to what I wanted to learn today and knowing where I was at - just working from that, and not just what I had planned on the paper. This last thing is what I said I wanted out of this day.
It is crucially important doing the work from where you're at right in the moment. . Anything else is either hollow or planned - meaning if things don't go as planned my brain well acknowledge that as a failure or mistake, because all the things in between are out of control. But see, here's the thing - above all acting is out of control. The truthful acting comes from working on what's in the moment.
I also said I'd relax and enjoy for this day.

It just made me think - being a perfectionist means that you always plan out and always have an ideal outcome. It means never being completely satisfied. . Because of course things don't always go exactly as planned. . Quite frankly it would be freaky if two completely identical moments existed.

And like flipping a plate, my mood and attitude changed for the entire day, when I came out of the audition room, because I had succeeded entirely in what I had wanted from this audition. - taking what's in the moment, and have fun. And for the first time in my life, I actually felt like I had been myself 100% in the room. It's the most difficult thing ever. . Not trying to be professional and act and look like I'm pleading for the job.
I did have so much fun - I got to do a cart weil and do a funny Lazzi  (classical Italian sketches).

Gettin that moment on my day brightened. I had lunch with my grandparents and then I went to ballroom dancing. .we had a lot of fun with choreographing today and then spring awakening rehearsal this evening with my cast - and this was the best run through I've ever had. Especially the heartbreaking end number found its power tonight.

I am falling asleep. . And actually not entirely aware of what I've been writing these last paragraphs.
Man, I'm tired. Gotta go sleep.
Big hug.x