Reminiscing...

As I sit and reminisce, I think about what it is that make people fall in love. Truly. Is it energy that’s there from the beginning, because God planted a seed of attraction to one’s souls from the beginning, or is it based on the experiences you have with that person. Based on what ever the circumstances were, maybe there was a moment that that person did something to you that changed you for the better. And maybe other times you just don’t have that clash of a magical experience, even though you look cute together and you’re good for one another?

Sometimes you look at a person who could give you the world, and that person is just not ‘it’, you know?

Or am I totally bonkers?

- So what is that ‘it’ factor?

How is it provoked? .. A touch or smile or behavior. Can’t we all relate to one of them? But if we really think about it. Can we define what specifically made us fall in love, or when it happened? Not really, can we? So that’s when I start to think there is no explanation. Simply, this brings me to realize that love is something so much bigger than ourselves. Love is pure, love is from God. God is the maker of love and he put that seed into each of us, so that we were capable of loving each other, and above all him. And when love is the purest and most beautiful between humans, - as I’ve learned – it’s like loving God, touching God, feeling closer to God. If love is not there and you treat other people like it’s that beautiful form of love as God wished for you, - you only feel further away from God. We are all so unique, that I think we can’t possible be right for every person on this planet, even if they save dour life or sent us a million roses that made us weak in the knees. God didn’t intend for it to be so easy. He knows where we are, keeps track of us every day of our lives, and knows who he would like us to meet. If we listen to him and follow him, he will lead us to the people who we are most capable of loving, and who is most capable of loving us. That pure love feels rare… but you know, I’ve found that the closer you are to God, the deeper level of love you understand in the people you meet. This means that if you keep God close at heart, you come across those people he intended for you to love and shed your light on the most.

This explains why I have felt such a strong love for all my friends and partners I have met in NYC. When I have been most close to God, the level of love I have found and shared in people was inpecable. Truly. To the point where I thought I was meant to marry that person – boy or girl, teacher or friend…. Being fully honest, this was real love – but as I looked deeper, I was only just starting to understand that the form of love I was starting to find in my new bonds were so beautiful because God was involved, - or rather I involved him. And that feels so incredibly overwhelming, because in the beginning I didn’t know what to do with such a strong love for another human being. I saw the wonders of growing up and truly being seen as an adult, not just a child still learning – but I also learnt to look at every person in the city as completely equally beautiful…. I found love in all ages, I found I was accepted by all ages. Because when we truly grow up – which I believe is when we understand to look at ourselves as the young spirit we all are, no matter the age, I think the understanding of time is so strange that we grasp the world at our feet wherever it takes us – not just what our parents tell us to do.

All you have to do to find love, I find… is to truly believe in it. Just like you believe in Jesus wholeheartedly. How can you give your whole heart like Jesus did, if you do not believe in him fully?

What makes you happy

A few days later, and much has happened. What on earth happened to structure and plans. They are much more difficult to grab hold of, once there is no other system checking up on you – no school or job.

I am currently looking for a position in the Salvation Army or a simple babysitter job in the city besides that, since the hours for that would be perfect. Best if I can have a few days a week where I can audition in the morning. As in getting up at 5am to sign up.

I’m sure something great will soon happen. I mean I can’t be doing no show or have no job for long.. that just can’t be God’s plan.

In the meantime I am trying to find what I do best without having to be in a show. No, it’s more about WHAT do I have to do to be happy?

Who makes me happy? What activities? How far away do I sometimes have to travel to recharge, or is my room enough.

Sometimes I find myself just living a simple life. Simple as in – no plan, nothing new, no risks, no stress – yet the stress of having the desire to do more. I am not a person who feeds off of doing nothing with my life, and I hope you certainly aren’t too. Thing is, nobody is – but I find that sometimes we have to push so much ourselves, whether it’s the action of getting up and doing something or breaking your boundaries to do more and take the risks you need to, that we sometimes settle for less because we’re scared or simply because it’s easier. It’s always easier doing nothing, but is it safe? Does it in other words make you happy? Not at all…. I mean not for me. I know that I have to keep growing, exploring and believing in my dreams in order to be happy.

Interesting – I just got an email on my phone from a casting website with the headlines, “To the actor – You are not alone!”. Isn’t that funny how the universe just sends us things as we think of it, or even sometimes things we need we didn’t know we needed.

As I write I am looking out the window. It is very grey and rainy. The kind of rain that just washes all away. That’s standing.

Also my new bracelet is shuffling on the computer, almost sounding like a mouse playing with a tin can. This is a bracelet my friend, Allisun, from the markle residence got for me. A simple string with 3 silver palets on them. One with their own word on it. There was a bag full of words, and all the friends from the markle could pick their own three. I chose: LOVE, STORY and WANDER. I feel like that pretty much sums up my life style as a person. Always looking for places and people with true love, always looking for or sharing great stories, and always being about, exploring, traveling, preferably alone, wandering.

Today I tried to go for an audition for Fiddler on the roof, but they didn’t see non-union people. Better luck next time!

This week another Fiddler is coming up – for Broadway! And then the tour of The Sound of Music. This shall be very exciting, if I get seen. I am quite perfect for both shows.

I love listening to something new, so maybe I’ll just do that this week.. since the audition schedule isn’t crazy. This week I plan on reading as much as I can too. I have hugeeee pile in my room I want to get through, and I also recall always feeling so fulfilled after reading a good book. Can you remember your favorite book? I remembered my favorite book that I read as a kid, the other day as I was having a meal with a friend at a Mexican restaurant. I don’t know why I thought of it, but I was talking with my friend about places we’d like to see and travel to. Tibet is one of the countries that have always been on the top of my list. Why? Because when I was about 14 I read an extraordinary book about a young girl on an adventure in Tibet, and the landscape was described so beautifully and visual that I so wanted to go there. Isn’t it beautiful what books can do to us?

I must keep reminding myself that I have the world at my feet. And then I need to dare to take new steps, from that I will be happy, I am convinced!

I hope you find happiness in what you do.

Much love, Jasmin

First blog after being set free

First blog after graduating. Yeah, that's a big step ahead of where I stood before.
Do I feel much older? no. Do I feel much braver? no. But I keep moving anyway, because I don't have a choice, and because I keep wanting more. Of life, love and dreams fulfilled. But most of all - happiness. And truth is - after being set free, knowing I can do anything I want, - ironically, the search for happiness has become much more challenging I find.
I like to be in control of things, and I like to know where my plan is going. When I don't know it, I feel I continuously waste time that could have been better planned. Like I'm procrastinating my life. And that's the worst feeling ever. All the what ifs. Not good - not healthy. SO, eventually, I try not to think too much. I try not to care too much. I try not to worry about time and plans and dreams.
But in the end, I should care - I should continue to worry, because it's my life - one shot, one receiver. I SHOULD care. And so I continue to listen to my heart and soul and God and everything that's breathing down my neck in the city, anything that will give me a sign or a hope of where I should go next. What my path is. I pray and I pray and I pray, but it seems that the less I take action in life, the less of a response I am able to hear. It makes sense. The more doors I try to open, the more I risk and fail all at once, the more response I'll get from God. .. I will hear when I was down the wrong path, or when I should trust going further. How else can I know?

And so I continue to work on my many projects. I continue to compose, wishing that one day I could start a record in Christian music, or get a radio hit... and I audition every day, hoping I will get cast in something, and I am open to dates, dreaming that one day love will hit me again like it did before.
BUT - that would require that I 1.) Actually send in my music to radio stations and to Christian composers, whom I am fond of, and write down my music so it's readable for any other person that my brain and wonky scribbled chords only. 2.) Actually prepare for auditions with my whole heart and soul, actually giving myself the permission to book something in stead of cutting myself off before I even enter the room. 3.) Let go, and let the boy in front of me in, whom I've known for loving me for over a year now. Trust that it is OK to be afraid of being let go of again.

All this is written with so much anxiety, that I can't even begin to describe it. I have NEVER in my life felt anxious before. I thought it was not really a thing that would occur in my life. But I guess as much as I will be a child forever, I can't remain a princess forever. It's melancholic, but also life. And in a way as hard as that can be at times, it's still beautiful - because it's real.

As I look out of my window over the city, I spot an airplane, and I feel SUCH an urge to be on it. I want to witness something bigger, I want to see the world from above. And right here, right now, with these emotion, this restlessness, I feel trapped.
Wow, what a switch from my first blog post - arriving in the city of dreams, where souls fly and the whole world is at your feet. Back then there was nothing to stop me. So why is there now? Why do I feel beatable instead of unbeatable?

As I'm sitting here I look at the picture I have of my grandma in a frame, and it sends shivers down my spine. What probably should've been tears turn into goosebumps and a sigh. There is so much. So much life and love I need to communicate to her these days, and she's not here.
Rarely do I NEED people. I want to keep them in my life, but rarely do I NEED to speak to them and be with them. It's just how I brought myself up, I guess... how I was built. So when I have those few moments when my soul NEEDS someone - an advise, a simple message or a tight hug, it breaks my heart when I realize this isn't possible.
I need to come up with a plan with you, Grandma Mette. I need to laugh with you and remind myself how bright and big my future is. I need to see your face and be empowered by pure love that touches all the strings of the heart.

But she's not here, so I sit and focus on my breath and carefully choose my words that now become immortal. A feeling doesn't last forever, but words do - and so this is now part of my adventure in NY. This scary moment.

My friend texts me, "Hey Princess Jasmin", and I break into tears and curl up in a ball on my bed. Why would you say that? I keep thinking over and over again... it's too much for me to handle right now, because the love in that sentence is too much of a load for me to accept right now, in fear of having it taken away again.
So I just wrote to my friend and she said I was thinking too much. Everything will be fine I know.. However, I would never have much to blog about if I didn't think too much. True?

The Empire state building is now in green lights. Like Elphaba in Wicked or like anxiety? Who knows?

Tomorrow I have a job interview for the box office at Carnegie hall. This shall be interesting, and very scary at the same time. Just be me. Right? :)

I also have auditions at 10am and then performing in the worship team late afternoon with The Salvation Army at prayer night.

I feel like I need to go to my next step. Which is planning all these auditions/interviews. So I will be back soon. This time I actually promise, because it feels so good to paint the NY picture on paper again.

Blessing, Jasmin!

I don't NEED people, but I choose not to live without them

My new best friend has left the country. Mary-Anne and I soon became very close, the second she moved into the room right next to me at the markle for two weeks. We just clicked and when we were together it was like nothing else in the world mattered. She got me, and was always the warmest most sincere hug I could give and got in return throughout the whole day.

So it’s very hard being alone now again. Which, truthfully, I’m not.. I have other good neighbors and great class mates and people all around me, in New York city.. duh! .. you always bump into new faces. But sometimes you’re just lucky to find that person who is all you need in a friend. And if she ever reads this all the way from South Africa, I would like to thank you, Mary-Anne, for being such a beautiful friend to me, and winning the award of being my person in NYC for the new year.

Now I’m about to watch a movie.. or fall asleep to it, like we’d always do. And she gave me the most adorable teddy bear, in human size.. so I had something to cuddle when I felt alone. It is giant and just SO great.

I skyped with my granddad in Portugal today, and he laughed at me when he saw me cuddling the teddy bear.. and just had to double check my age. But I kindly told him I intended to never grow up. ;)

However, being apart from the people I just want to spend every moment of every day with makes me stronger. It’s easier not to have them around, so you don’t have to feel conflicted when you need to prioritize work over quality time with them. I mean who doesn’t want to watch netflix with their best friend or family all day, cozying up on the couch? Right?.. So it’s so much easier for me to go back to not needing people, like I had it the first year and many months I came to the city. I didn’t have that person I could share everything with, so I decided I wouldn’t ask for it. It made me focus on my goal in the arts here.

I didn’t ask for it, but I got it. With Kerrie my best friend who moved to England, who just blew my mind in her support and friendship and good company, and I fell in love with her soul that it hurts being away from her.

Then right after Mary-Anne who just as strongly, but in such different ways blew my mind with her good company, faith in God and wise words, and I completely fell in love with her soul. And equally I want to be around her all the time, because my soul is drawn to her – extending the friendship more and more, learning and growing together and having someone who makes you feel so much at home wherever you go, that you never thought you’d be that lucky.

Home as in, - someone who for some reason makes you be the best version of yourself when you’re with them, without even trying hard, someone you feel like you’ve known forever, because you would trust your life in their hands and you cherish them because they understand you and suddenly it hits you that if you were to go away there’d be someone who not only misses you with their whole heart, but also would know what song to play at your funeral, without ever asking me for my request.

And these kind of people I feel like I NEED. And I always wonder if they NEED me too. And so through the years, I’ve acknowledged that I am afraid of being unattached to people, unless we NEED each other.

Special friends usually come from sharing a vulnerable or dark or any form of special or intense moment. If you needed someone’s shoulder to cry on after loosing your grandma, a friendship blossoms from that, because the comfort and care that comes from supporting in that moment, is something that is now bonding you together.

So after the healing, when comfort isn’t as strongly needed, that bond is not as urgent. You prove that you don’t NEED that person, and carry on as an adult. You know? It’s natural. But friendships grow from that.. that’s where they can start, or they can start from other things.. just a random cup of coffee .. or a joke.

But I always feared that if I didn’t show that I NEEDED people, I could risk them suddenly not being there.

Because if there didn’t HAVE to be there for me, they might not want me for just appreciation of a friendship.

Isn’t that silly? But it’s true, I think deep down this is what I fear. So I’ve tried to look back over things in my life and see if there has been any kind of loss that would have made me so scared of losing people. To the level where I will let myself wallow in sadness longer, just to keep the shoulder there next to me to cry on.

But the other day my therapist asked me consider that friendships can grow from that – and yes I’m right the bond does seem stronger under such circumstances, because it’s more evident… but then the friendships blossom from then on. AND consider the fact that a friendship doesn’t always have to be because you NEED them and they NEED you. A real friendship appreciates one another just for being with each other.

And I realized what those friendships are to me. I am so happy that I know I have the close friends who I don’t feel I’ll loose after the storm is calm again… and then I too find peace with friendships that might just be for when the storm hits. Knowing fully how precious they were in the moment, but not side by side to you for the rest of your journey. And those kinds of friends are just pure blessings from above, angels on earth who have been sent from God to support you to carry through a storm.

For a long time, I FORGOT what it was like to have someone. Like your person, your best friend kind of someone. And lying here alone.. I keep feeling like I NEED them with me, I NEED them to be here. I can’t go on without them close.

But I don’t want to just NEED people.. or convince myself I do. You know what I think it is?

.. I think there is just such a strong connection for me when I find that special friend. That’s not because I NEED them, and can’t go on with my life without them.. but it’s that I hold them SO DEAR, that I don’t ever want to make the decision of living without them.

I treasure them so much that I need to prioritize people like them in my life to be as happy as I am when I’m with them.

That is where the need is. In the choice of how I spend my life, who I keep in my baggage.

Moving away in distance from people is hard because I remember how many people I’ve moved away from. I guess I only start to feel more real, more human, less robot. And that’s good.. but also difficult.

But oh, how it feels good to know how much your heart is filled with love and has grown from that.

For now,

Sleep tight! And tell your person, or your people you love them with all your heart.

Xxx

Yup, a month left of school.

hey dudes, hope you're all good out there. Today it's Saturday in New York City, and I'm chilling in my bed, next to my beast teddy bear and a cozy blanket over my legs that are very much sore from dance class.

I have been obsessed with taking extra dance classes these past few weeks, only because we started being allowed to enter other year's classes... meaning we can attend more than one ballet class a week, as we have scheduled. Seeing no growth has been depressive, because we've only had one class weekly there's so much pressure on finding the time to go over exercises alone and working out alone... but in the end it's difficult to grow when you're not in class to get feedback. I took extra ballet classes with my favorite dance teacher Sara Antkowiak.. she's just such a genious. And I mean I finish school in a month's time, so I'm fluttered, feeling like I should take as many classes now as I can, even if I'm too tired or anything.  .. anything to get more experience before the school and money runs out. They eat my money this school, as wonderful as they are... they eat way too much more than necessary, and it's kind of unfair.. so I decided I should fight for it more and actually take everything I have paid for.

Yeah, so school finishing in a month's time is a pretty sad time ahead. I don't find it scary, future and auditions and networking ahead.... no I feel more sad and melancholic about ending such a sweet and intimate time with people that are so dear to me. Doesn't it just feel like yesterday I took off on my adventure to NY? Well, now I am FOR SURE a New Yorker, for sure have an almost clean American accent, for sure feel at home, for sure have grown up ... maybe not completely (because I plan to never do so..).. but definitely much more grown that I ever was and ever imagined I'd be. On so many beautiful levels I've seen the world, and it makes me scared to think of what I'll lose.

I fear not to go new places. I fear to lose my bravery. I fear to be stuck because I don't have money. I fear not to find the people who admire my talent and will help me in the business. I fear that I don't know what I want to do with all my ideas.

I KNOW the key to successful results of your goals is to FOCUS on one thing at a time, and give your all to that goal. That's how I got here. I wouldn't have if I tried to get into training as a therapist, work on getting my music to the radio in Denmark, spend my money on travelling a bit first.. and so much more I probably wanted to do back then.

What's quite overwhelming is that now I just want so much more (literally like the song from the Fantasticks! - a part I could very well play. Please look this musical up if you don't know it, it's the longest running musical - now off-Broadway. Classic, sweet piece.).

So why do I want more now? Because I realize slowly as I get older that there is less time to do them?
Or because I have found more talents and qualities about myself I can offer to the world?

Possibly a mixture of both.. you tell me. How old are you? How much do you dream of still doing? I mean no human desires standing still and not looking forward to any change at all, right? I mean that's just superficial and a cover up, right? I hope you're not one of them. If you think this way, please read ''the artist's way - not just for artist's but intended for every human being. The book takes you through painting, dancing, singing, talking, exploring, questioning and reminiscing things about yourself that you knew and had forgotten, or did know and haven't paid attention to in a while.. or things about your future or even where you stand now, but haven't validated or considered much.
Generally, that's just part of what the book does for me. It's really a gift to human kind.

See, I love those kind of things. Things in life that are almost free, but that have a power, a message, an essence that changes you, awakens you, strengthens you in a way.
I'm talking about things like:
- A phenomenal view (for Christ's sake, take your time to wake up and watch the sunset at least every other month!, find your favorite view around you, and when you walk outside make the decision to keep eyes glued on your device, or look around you, all that God's given you.)
- A poignant piece of music/dance/theatre . How wonderful is it to be given the permission for a little while to dream away and let yourself imagine another time and place where there are other things to fight for and experience.
- A friend. Someone God has definitely sent you so you feel loved, supported and not lonely. I mean is there no greater gift?
.. For me the people I want to thank who have come into my life this month (which has actually been an unusually major gift this month): Charlie & Carol, Mary-Anne, Keziah. I'm forgetting someone I'm sure, because I know I have had a lot more to smile about this month :)

- And other things that I mean are free gifts for you are wise words from a book, an unforgettable street performance, a blessed church morning.
But literally all the knowledge you need is up till this day more and more free. Everything you need to know about playing the guitar, cooking, sewing, self-defense, swimming, travelling is on youtube or some place else. You can have EVERYTHING, do you realize that.. with a little imagination. You can have a fire place in front of you from youtube.. you know? All that is JUST the materialistic things in our lives.. but everything else mentioned above.. I mean wow. Really, free? Those are the real gifts man.. that's what you gotta wish for and go for.

Please be open to find them and receive them.
Bless you all and love and love.
X

The Best version of me

I don't want to go to church. I'm tired and I have nothing to say. But that probably means I have tons to pray about. I just want to be home, relax and be surrounded by friends. Talk about 'leavingthenest-phobia'!

Will I ever get Broadway? I think it feels on how hard I work. It's about the quirk, not so much the talent. . When it comes to Broadway. Every one has talent in New York. Only few people do the work that it tales.
Time to pull yourself together a bit, Jasmin.I think you work much harder than you give yourself credit for. But it's true what your crazy brain says, Jasmin. . Sometimes you don't give enough, even if you're giving you're all. . Enough is just when you start pushing boundaries and go way past the limit of what you think you can do. From here on the real magic is discovered.. the kind that goes to Broadway.

I don't want to be like everyone else. .I want to be the best version of me.

A month ago

Sunday afternoon. I was at church by NY temple this morning, and I gracefully rushed home to get my thoughts into this blog post. Blessed that I had a big thing that I needed to write about. I guess I have had lots of big things I needed to write about.. I just haven't made the time.. or been honest about it.. or been brave enough to share, I guess. No.. not I guess - that's the way it's been.

Church today was so touching and beautiful and heartfelt and hard. That's why I am writing. Because I had to. And a writer has to write... so I must be a writer after all. Even though I don't always give myself the time to be one.

There's been a lot of things going on my mind, and a lot of things I haven't known what to think about and what God wants me to do with it. I have recently talked to my friend Jessica from the markle about how you hear God's voice. It was interesting because I told her.. that I don't think I've ever actually heard his voice before. And she said you shouldn't expect an actual audible voice .. that God's voice is usually that unexpected thing you hear in the back of your heard that tells you what the right thing is to do, or gives you an immediate impulse to change or react to something or when your mind can't be kept off one thing...that seems to be God's voice. And I just said.. well I guess I haven't really learned what is God's voice and what is just me. Sometimes your in conflict with yourself, you know, and you just need time to think things over and you clear your head and make a decision. Well... I guess God is always there, always present and always with us in thoughts.. so no matter what I think he'll always have influenced. But if I let him, right?
Listening for God's voice is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

At the moment I think I have been shedding away a bit.. because I haven't known what to say and how to approach him. I pray with all my heart every day.. but sometimes I think I forget the listening part too.
I forget that my job isn't 'done' when I have cried my burdens out, prayed for who needed prayers, and promised God to fulfill the gifts he gave me for the day. Sometimes there's more.

Recently I have had a very dear friend. So dear, that I was overwhelmed by my friend's presence in my life and what I could give, support and have effect on in return. This is a friend I feel I was brought to by Jesus. Not a beautiful coincidence, but a perfectly planned angelic meeting from God.

Do you have that person that you understood the depth of that bond with? An immediate moment of realizing how beautifully God wanted you to touch each other's lives?
 - In reality, what's so ironic, but absolutely astonishing, is that EVERYONE in your life is there for a reason. Brought to you by God, planned for some reason, one way or another. BUT for us mere humans, who only ever understand a billionth part of God's great plan for us, what is SO incredible for us, is when we realize HOW and WHY that person was brought to us. When we understand the calling in our life, when we feel our purpose, when we listen and respond because we know and we want to fulfill and be filled with that grace He has given us in form of a human like us.

It's like seeing God closer, knowing him better, understanding his love and understanding the importance of our relationships with one another, right?

To me that is one of the most beautiful things we could ever experience. I have had many of those cases I'm sure, but recently in my adulthood, as I came to understand them more.. I can look back on just several special cases of important people who were sent as angels for me and vice versa.
It has filled my life with so much more depth and meaning.

First was Armando, my former boyfriend.. and still lover, or person.. a very special who still is in my life. A case I can't explain - but purposely, because we understood how we had been placed next to each other in such a beautiful way, we are in the situation of not being able to let go of one another, even though times may be changing. Some people you can just never let go in your heart in that way. Some people you will always love on that level, because if you didn't you'd forget the gift of God. That's what I see it as. Armando saved me at a time I felt life was hopeless, my gifts were hopeless and I could never be loved in that sense. Just as I'd thought I wanted to put an an end to it, I met him, who seemed to love me in every sense, for all that I was. I knew he was exactly what I needed and he was so good to me, for the time he could. Unfortunately we lived on two different sides of the country and romance doesn't work well that way, especially if you struggle with trusting people and being afraid of being rejected.
But I KNEW that he had been there for a special reason. He was my angel who showed me that life was worth waiting for. That I was beautiful the way I am. That I was lovable the way I am. Finding him at least just to trust that is all the gift I could ask for.

Secondly, I wrote a song that saved a friend who was in deep trouble. I was able to share the holy spirit within me in a way I had never been able to before. I was able to heal, inspire and be a friend that filled an otherwise deep black, hopeless whole. Kerrie has probably been the dearest of my friends when I look back at it, because I felt God holding our hands and protecting us and the trials and fears so profoundly as I never have.

I think there is so much more to tell. I will look for old notes! I realize I have been a busy restless like actress lately, who hasn't taken the time to write home!
xx