I don't NEED people, but I choose not to live without them

My new best friend has left the country. Mary-Anne and I soon became very close, the second she moved into the room right next to me at the markle for two weeks. We just clicked and when we were together it was like nothing else in the world mattered. She got me, and was always the warmest most sincere hug I could give and got in return throughout the whole day.

So it’s very hard being alone now again. Which, truthfully, I’m not.. I have other good neighbors and great class mates and people all around me, in New York city.. duh! .. you always bump into new faces. But sometimes you’re just lucky to find that person who is all you need in a friend. And if she ever reads this all the way from South Africa, I would like to thank you, Mary-Anne, for being such a beautiful friend to me, and winning the award of being my person in NYC for the new year.

Now I’m about to watch a movie.. or fall asleep to it, like we’d always do. And she gave me the most adorable teddy bear, in human size.. so I had something to cuddle when I felt alone. It is giant and just SO great.

I skyped with my granddad in Portugal today, and he laughed at me when he saw me cuddling the teddy bear.. and just had to double check my age. But I kindly told him I intended to never grow up. ;)

However, being apart from the people I just want to spend every moment of every day with makes me stronger. It’s easier not to have them around, so you don’t have to feel conflicted when you need to prioritize work over quality time with them. I mean who doesn’t want to watch netflix with their best friend or family all day, cozying up on the couch? Right?.. So it’s so much easier for me to go back to not needing people, like I had it the first year and many months I came to the city. I didn’t have that person I could share everything with, so I decided I wouldn’t ask for it. It made me focus on my goal in the arts here.

I didn’t ask for it, but I got it. With Kerrie my best friend who moved to England, who just blew my mind in her support and friendship and good company, and I fell in love with her soul that it hurts being away from her.

Then right after Mary-Anne who just as strongly, but in such different ways blew my mind with her good company, faith in God and wise words, and I completely fell in love with her soul. And equally I want to be around her all the time, because my soul is drawn to her – extending the friendship more and more, learning and growing together and having someone who makes you feel so much at home wherever you go, that you never thought you’d be that lucky.

Home as in, - someone who for some reason makes you be the best version of yourself when you’re with them, without even trying hard, someone you feel like you’ve known forever, because you would trust your life in their hands and you cherish them because they understand you and suddenly it hits you that if you were to go away there’d be someone who not only misses you with their whole heart, but also would know what song to play at your funeral, without ever asking me for my request.

And these kind of people I feel like I NEED. And I always wonder if they NEED me too. And so through the years, I’ve acknowledged that I am afraid of being unattached to people, unless we NEED each other.

Special friends usually come from sharing a vulnerable or dark or any form of special or intense moment. If you needed someone’s shoulder to cry on after loosing your grandma, a friendship blossoms from that, because the comfort and care that comes from supporting in that moment, is something that is now bonding you together.

So after the healing, when comfort isn’t as strongly needed, that bond is not as urgent. You prove that you don’t NEED that person, and carry on as an adult. You know? It’s natural. But friendships grow from that.. that’s where they can start, or they can start from other things.. just a random cup of coffee .. or a joke.

But I always feared that if I didn’t show that I NEEDED people, I could risk them suddenly not being there.

Because if there didn’t HAVE to be there for me, they might not want me for just appreciation of a friendship.

Isn’t that silly? But it’s true, I think deep down this is what I fear. So I’ve tried to look back over things in my life and see if there has been any kind of loss that would have made me so scared of losing people. To the level where I will let myself wallow in sadness longer, just to keep the shoulder there next to me to cry on.

But the other day my therapist asked me consider that friendships can grow from that – and yes I’m right the bond does seem stronger under such circumstances, because it’s more evident… but then the friendships blossom from then on. AND consider the fact that a friendship doesn’t always have to be because you NEED them and they NEED you. A real friendship appreciates one another just for being with each other.

And I realized what those friendships are to me. I am so happy that I know I have the close friends who I don’t feel I’ll loose after the storm is calm again… and then I too find peace with friendships that might just be for when the storm hits. Knowing fully how precious they were in the moment, but not side by side to you for the rest of your journey. And those kinds of friends are just pure blessings from above, angels on earth who have been sent from God to support you to carry through a storm.

For a long time, I FORGOT what it was like to have someone. Like your person, your best friend kind of someone. And lying here alone.. I keep feeling like I NEED them with me, I NEED them to be here. I can’t go on without them close.

But I don’t want to just NEED people.. or convince myself I do. You know what I think it is?

.. I think there is just such a strong connection for me when I find that special friend. That’s not because I NEED them, and can’t go on with my life without them.. but it’s that I hold them SO DEAR, that I don’t ever want to make the decision of living without them.

I treasure them so much that I need to prioritize people like them in my life to be as happy as I am when I’m with them.

That is where the need is. In the choice of how I spend my life, who I keep in my baggage.

Moving away in distance from people is hard because I remember how many people I’ve moved away from. I guess I only start to feel more real, more human, less robot. And that’s good.. but also difficult.

But oh, how it feels good to know how much your heart is filled with love and has grown from that.

For now,

Sleep tight! And tell your person, or your people you love them with all your heart.

Xxx

Yup, a month left of school.

hey dudes, hope you're all good out there. Today it's Saturday in New York City, and I'm chilling in my bed, next to my beast teddy bear and a cozy blanket over my legs that are very much sore from dance class.

I have been obsessed with taking extra dance classes these past few weeks, only because we started being allowed to enter other year's classes... meaning we can attend more than one ballet class a week, as we have scheduled. Seeing no growth has been depressive, because we've only had one class weekly there's so much pressure on finding the time to go over exercises alone and working out alone... but in the end it's difficult to grow when you're not in class to get feedback. I took extra ballet classes with my favorite dance teacher Sara Antkowiak.. she's just such a genious. And I mean I finish school in a month's time, so I'm fluttered, feeling like I should take as many classes now as I can, even if I'm too tired or anything.  .. anything to get more experience before the school and money runs out. They eat my money this school, as wonderful as they are... they eat way too much more than necessary, and it's kind of unfair.. so I decided I should fight for it more and actually take everything I have paid for.

Yeah, so school finishing in a month's time is a pretty sad time ahead. I don't find it scary, future and auditions and networking ahead.... no I feel more sad and melancholic about ending such a sweet and intimate time with people that are so dear to me. Doesn't it just feel like yesterday I took off on my adventure to NY? Well, now I am FOR SURE a New Yorker, for sure have an almost clean American accent, for sure feel at home, for sure have grown up ... maybe not completely (because I plan to never do so..).. but definitely much more grown that I ever was and ever imagined I'd be. On so many beautiful levels I've seen the world, and it makes me scared to think of what I'll lose.

I fear not to go new places. I fear to lose my bravery. I fear to be stuck because I don't have money. I fear not to find the people who admire my talent and will help me in the business. I fear that I don't know what I want to do with all my ideas.

I KNOW the key to successful results of your goals is to FOCUS on one thing at a time, and give your all to that goal. That's how I got here. I wouldn't have if I tried to get into training as a therapist, work on getting my music to the radio in Denmark, spend my money on travelling a bit first.. and so much more I probably wanted to do back then.

What's quite overwhelming is that now I just want so much more (literally like the song from the Fantasticks! - a part I could very well play. Please look this musical up if you don't know it, it's the longest running musical - now off-Broadway. Classic, sweet piece.).

So why do I want more now? Because I realize slowly as I get older that there is less time to do them?
Or because I have found more talents and qualities about myself I can offer to the world?

Possibly a mixture of both.. you tell me. How old are you? How much do you dream of still doing? I mean no human desires standing still and not looking forward to any change at all, right? I mean that's just superficial and a cover up, right? I hope you're not one of them. If you think this way, please read ''the artist's way - not just for artist's but intended for every human being. The book takes you through painting, dancing, singing, talking, exploring, questioning and reminiscing things about yourself that you knew and had forgotten, or did know and haven't paid attention to in a while.. or things about your future or even where you stand now, but haven't validated or considered much.
Generally, that's just part of what the book does for me. It's really a gift to human kind.

See, I love those kind of things. Things in life that are almost free, but that have a power, a message, an essence that changes you, awakens you, strengthens you in a way.
I'm talking about things like:
- A phenomenal view (for Christ's sake, take your time to wake up and watch the sunset at least every other month!, find your favorite view around you, and when you walk outside make the decision to keep eyes glued on your device, or look around you, all that God's given you.)
- A poignant piece of music/dance/theatre . How wonderful is it to be given the permission for a little while to dream away and let yourself imagine another time and place where there are other things to fight for and experience.
- A friend. Someone God has definitely sent you so you feel loved, supported and not lonely. I mean is there no greater gift?
.. For me the people I want to thank who have come into my life this month (which has actually been an unusually major gift this month): Charlie & Carol, Mary-Anne, Keziah. I'm forgetting someone I'm sure, because I know I have had a lot more to smile about this month :)

- And other things that I mean are free gifts for you are wise words from a book, an unforgettable street performance, a blessed church morning.
But literally all the knowledge you need is up till this day more and more free. Everything you need to know about playing the guitar, cooking, sewing, self-defense, swimming, travelling is on youtube or some place else. You can have EVERYTHING, do you realize that.. with a little imagination. You can have a fire place in front of you from youtube.. you know? All that is JUST the materialistic things in our lives.. but everything else mentioned above.. I mean wow. Really, free? Those are the real gifts man.. that's what you gotta wish for and go for.

Please be open to find them and receive them.
Bless you all and love and love.
X

The Best version of me

I don't want to go to church. I'm tired and I have nothing to say. But that probably means I have tons to pray about. I just want to be home, relax and be surrounded by friends. Talk about 'leavingthenest-phobia'!

Will I ever get Broadway? I think it feels on how hard I work. It's about the quirk, not so much the talent. . When it comes to Broadway. Every one has talent in New York. Only few people do the work that it tales.
Time to pull yourself together a bit, Jasmin.I think you work much harder than you give yourself credit for. But it's true what your crazy brain says, Jasmin. . Sometimes you don't give enough, even if you're giving you're all. . Enough is just when you start pushing boundaries and go way past the limit of what you think you can do. From here on the real magic is discovered.. the kind that goes to Broadway.

I don't want to be like everyone else. .I want to be the best version of me.

A month ago

Sunday afternoon. I was at church by NY temple this morning, and I gracefully rushed home to get my thoughts into this blog post. Blessed that I had a big thing that I needed to write about. I guess I have had lots of big things I needed to write about.. I just haven't made the time.. or been honest about it.. or been brave enough to share, I guess. No.. not I guess - that's the way it's been.

Church today was so touching and beautiful and heartfelt and hard. That's why I am writing. Because I had to. And a writer has to write... so I must be a writer after all. Even though I don't always give myself the time to be one.

There's been a lot of things going on my mind, and a lot of things I haven't known what to think about and what God wants me to do with it. I have recently talked to my friend Jessica from the markle about how you hear God's voice. It was interesting because I told her.. that I don't think I've ever actually heard his voice before. And she said you shouldn't expect an actual audible voice .. that God's voice is usually that unexpected thing you hear in the back of your heard that tells you what the right thing is to do, or gives you an immediate impulse to change or react to something or when your mind can't be kept off one thing...that seems to be God's voice. And I just said.. well I guess I haven't really learned what is God's voice and what is just me. Sometimes your in conflict with yourself, you know, and you just need time to think things over and you clear your head and make a decision. Well... I guess God is always there, always present and always with us in thoughts.. so no matter what I think he'll always have influenced. But if I let him, right?
Listening for God's voice is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

At the moment I think I have been shedding away a bit.. because I haven't known what to say and how to approach him. I pray with all my heart every day.. but sometimes I think I forget the listening part too.
I forget that my job isn't 'done' when I have cried my burdens out, prayed for who needed prayers, and promised God to fulfill the gifts he gave me for the day. Sometimes there's more.

Recently I have had a very dear friend. So dear, that I was overwhelmed by my friend's presence in my life and what I could give, support and have effect on in return. This is a friend I feel I was brought to by Jesus. Not a beautiful coincidence, but a perfectly planned angelic meeting from God.

Do you have that person that you understood the depth of that bond with? An immediate moment of realizing how beautifully God wanted you to touch each other's lives?
 - In reality, what's so ironic, but absolutely astonishing, is that EVERYONE in your life is there for a reason. Brought to you by God, planned for some reason, one way or another. BUT for us mere humans, who only ever understand a billionth part of God's great plan for us, what is SO incredible for us, is when we realize HOW and WHY that person was brought to us. When we understand the calling in our life, when we feel our purpose, when we listen and respond because we know and we want to fulfill and be filled with that grace He has given us in form of a human like us.

It's like seeing God closer, knowing him better, understanding his love and understanding the importance of our relationships with one another, right?

To me that is one of the most beautiful things we could ever experience. I have had many of those cases I'm sure, but recently in my adulthood, as I came to understand them more.. I can look back on just several special cases of important people who were sent as angels for me and vice versa.
It has filled my life with so much more depth and meaning.

First was Armando, my former boyfriend.. and still lover, or person.. a very special who still is in my life. A case I can't explain - but purposely, because we understood how we had been placed next to each other in such a beautiful way, we are in the situation of not being able to let go of one another, even though times may be changing. Some people you can just never let go in your heart in that way. Some people you will always love on that level, because if you didn't you'd forget the gift of God. That's what I see it as. Armando saved me at a time I felt life was hopeless, my gifts were hopeless and I could never be loved in that sense. Just as I'd thought I wanted to put an an end to it, I met him, who seemed to love me in every sense, for all that I was. I knew he was exactly what I needed and he was so good to me, for the time he could. Unfortunately we lived on two different sides of the country and romance doesn't work well that way, especially if you struggle with trusting people and being afraid of being rejected.
But I KNEW that he had been there for a special reason. He was my angel who showed me that life was worth waiting for. That I was beautiful the way I am. That I was lovable the way I am. Finding him at least just to trust that is all the gift I could ask for.

Secondly, I wrote a song that saved a friend who was in deep trouble. I was able to share the holy spirit within me in a way I had never been able to before. I was able to heal, inspire and be a friend that filled an otherwise deep black, hopeless whole. Kerrie has probably been the dearest of my friends when I look back at it, because I felt God holding our hands and protecting us and the trials and fears so profoundly as I never have.

I think there is so much more to tell. I will look for old notes! I realize I have been a busy restless like actress lately, who hasn't taken the time to write home!
xx

Finally a day to think and recharge

I don't know how to start this post. I started one earlier, but it got lost on another computer.
I am sitting in my room, quite peaceful, and graceful, but slightly lonely. Today was quite fulfilling in all those departments.
For the first time in a long time, I was able to forget about all chores and appointments and 'should-do's'. I was able to sleep in today, first night after the process of rehearsing, learning and performing the musical, Alone in the US, for our reading of it. This went so extraordinarily and I am proud to know I am one step closer to understanding performance and taking best use of and understanding my talents.

I feel quite lonely because I don't have a person at the moment. You know what, I have beautiful friends and some of them are so precious and close to me, but there was nothing like having one person who had it all and that I could give the same thing in return. I miss my best friend Kerrie who moved back to England. We were everything each other needed when we first became friends and it feels empty here without her. She was the closest I ever felt like home to, but so much happens when you become miles apart. You can't try to keep living another place in your mind. I told myself to really take care of myself and remind myself to be in every moment and learn how to enjoy the journey where I am.

Recently I think I've felt a bit lonely - not saying I haven't been happy or pleased with what I was doing - I have just noticed an emptiness that has stuck with me. I have been searching for someone to be my person, I guess. I am so thankful for my best friends here. But none which are unfiltered or unconditional love, and I really need that person that I can tell anything to. From the smallest and weirdest details to stuff that really weighs me down or fills my mind.

Today was an empty day in my calendar where I was supposed to be able to do everything I could want, that I haven't had the time to - instead it became a day where I did nothing. But I think I really needed this. I needed a day to sit home. And today was emotional because I skyped with a lot of family today and it was just a quiet day where I took time to sit with myself.
Already now, I feel kind of sleepy, and it's only 6pm. Tomorrow morning I will be going to church and I feel kind of anxious about it, because I haven't been since I got back from Christmas in Florida and things have been weird with the Wittenbergs. We haven't had much time to talk or miss each other because there's been so much on my plate and on theirs - schedule wise and emotionally with a lot of family passing away, Jake going into the army and Kerrie moving back to England. I look forward to catch up.

I wish I wasn't so open sometimes because I am so vulnerable.. but who cares, I'm an actress they should, and I should get used to it too. I am so done being embarrassed or shy about what I am and stand for. This is my new thing.
If not sing loud enough, what's the point?

*

I feel so emotional about my graduation coming up... not being at NYFA every day and spending time with my favorite people in this city every hour seems like an impossible thing to do. Which I know it isn't, I just need to rearrange and understand a few parts of how to go about in my life before that. Or maybe it'll hit right that day, and I'll take it as it comes... as we do with most things in life... and that's how it'll be, I know it.
I love my NYFA family so much it hurts - in a very good way! What a beautiful journey I've had so far, huh?

I feel drained of energy thinking back on so much. Quite full in heart, but melancholic, as I listen to 'Fields of gold' on my spotify account.

Today I didn't think or do much active things though. I wanted to spend more time in my artist's way course in my book and process a few things, but in the end I think a day of not worrying or thinking too much is a good thing. My brain might hate me if not.
Maybe I'll take a bath later. Watch a musical online, sleep some more, maybe watch Grey's anatomy, maybe write a poem or compose, and sleep some more again. And then I'll spend time with my new friend at the markle, Mary-Anne if she has time. I secretly hope that she will want to be my person in the city too.. just because she is someone I admire and respect and trust a lot. I feel like I could tell her anything, without being judged, and she would understand. But I think I will just be kind and give her what I can and continue being a good neighbor without hoping for too much, because she might go back to South Africa soon for good. Loosing another person might just be a bit too much for me right now.

I'm praying more these days, because in the end I'll probably be more fulfilled feeling loved by Jesus than hope for someone here to give me that close friendship I need right now. Sometimes I wish Jesus would be willing to gossip, sometimes you just need that you know, but I think I better not ask for too much.

Next week I'll be filming my final Acting for Film project, I'll probably start looking over material for my next reading that I'm doing with some of my teachers from school, I will write out to the different territories in the country to look for jobs in the salvation army's performing arts department.

I have been biting me nails like ugly crazy again, and I ask my brain every second to please stop being stressed or nervous about I don't know what...

I am so tired. I think I will get myself to fall asleep to Grey's anatomy now :)

I will be back soon. Promise.

Focus, cherish and believe that things last

okay.. blog post number five million and a gazillion years ago since i wrote the last one. i know, i'm sorry.. there's just been so much.. and actually the free time I have will go to composing or a new course called the artist's way that I'm doing at the moment. It's a course that I decided to do for the last semester... it takes 12 weeks and I thought it would be a strong way to finish my time at NYFA. IT provides exercises and activities for you. self-reflection, how you grow yourself as an artist every single day... so I'm seeing and growing and processing so much stuff at the moment and it really is excellent.

Also I have been reading the scriptures every day, and have been really happy to pick this routine up. I have missed getting a daily fresh word from the Lord. I really have, and have needed it so much, but  there has been so little time.. or rather I haven't made time for that routine..  It takes a certain level of peace an humility at a moment in your day, and I haven't been able to bring myself to that every day in my room.
I have done a lot of yoga though. It has been so healing and peaceful and graceful. So I have been bringing myself to calmness and meditation :)

So I'm in my favorite park, up in the heights.
For the first time i'm actually sitting on the fort looking down at the cars. .. for the one's reading it.. it's totally safe, and there's no way I could fall.. unless someone was to push me, I guess. But stupid people could push you.. anywhere.. lol.

I need to live on the edge more. That's my point. So I felt the impulse to sit here today.

The artist's way has really opened up to some wounds from the past that I hadn't processed, apparently. I hadn't expected that. Some things that I should have been angry or sad about, and I guess that's been wearing me down. Also I've fallen in love again.. and as wonderful as it is, it's overwhelming and I am trying to process and embrace and understand it all.. just like it always is.

Umm... so I need to lie on the dye more, I said. I didn't come to the park here today or even wake up thinking that.. it just came out of my mouth the second I wrote it here. But it's true, i know it. I've been getting sick.. .. and so I didn't go to my ballet class this week. And even though it's true that I wasn't feeling well, so that my teacher sent me home.. I still felt it as if I'd given in to that. Like I'd missed class for that, and because I was afraid to go. I always go to class even though I don't feel well. And yesterday I felt like I was quitting. And in my performance lab this week I was judging myself so much, like on a level I haven't in a long time. And I shouldn't. There's really no reason for it.
I see the whole class growing and it's so very wonderful and great. At the same time if I don't feel like I'm good enough.. even though I'm on the same level or on a higher level at some points.. if I don't know that's the reality, even though my class mates can tell me .. i feel so much hate and jealousy when I see other people perform and do the things I can do in some way or another.. sing a high soprano song (like I could the second I could when I stepped into the school..) If some belt-voice girl suddenly achieves that, I think... oh well if she's achieved it they don't need me in the theatre career. And the world doesn't need me. and the thing is.. no one 'needs' anyone. but it truly is wonderful to have all the different people. and i need to remind myself that no one will sing those songs exactly the way i do.
no one 'needs' meryl streep, the world world be fine, and wonderful and talented without her. There would still be such aching as acting. Same thing goes for elaine paige and bernadette peters in theatre.. all those geniuses. And no one NEEDS them. But because they allowed their own talents to blossom, put themselves out there, made an impact .. they truly inspired some people in one way or another. And I have the power to do that.

So I was speaking to my teacher about this a few weeks ago. what i could do to feed myself as an artist, because I didn't feel inspired or good enough. This was before I started the artist's way course.
She just kind of laughed in my face.. because she said "you don't feel like YOU have anything to give to the theatre world?"... and she couldn't take me seriously. So she told me about when I came in for the auditions this year for the school productions we did - the annual musical and the two readings that was planned for this year.
Here's the thing about auditions.. you might be right for what they're looking for, or several things or nothing that day.. you never know. Some won't like you, in some cases everyone wants you. And she revealed to me that I was one of the biggest bargains in the room, I created so much conflict between the 3 directors because everyone wanted me.
And i was like.. what?! I would have never guessed. And yeah.. maybe I would.. I did think that I was someone someone would wanna work with, but I just hadn't believed in myself enough. When she told me this I knew I had to start believe in myself more. She said that I don't always get that lucky to hear how much of a bargain you are.. they'll just say yes or no and leave no comments after you leave. So YOU have to do the job of patting yourself on the shoulder and believe that you are good enough and trust in yourself.

My other teach run performance lab class he says he doesn't believe in rejection.. that there's no such thing. And that actually REALLY helped me.
HE says.. if it's a no, it's not rejection, it means; not for this or not right now.

And that's it. it's all a big puzzle. but we're all beautiful and unique.

And wow.. ok so right now my hand is almost freezing of because I'm holding my phone outside. yesterday I realized it was 3 degrees celsius. and that's insane I'm wearing autumn clothes.. and yeah it is autumn, i'm sitting here looking at all the leaves.... umm but I need gloves, lol.

And yeah..I'm looking at all the cars racing by. Before I started this blog post I thought of all the cars as being one thought, one dream/wish/desire/a project.. all things going forward in different tracks..  but alone and messy.

I need to figure out my track.. not a full on pan about my life.. no one can do that, because that would e a waste of time. you don't get to decide what your life turns out to be, that's God's work, and you have to trust in that.
I just need to prioritize my projects, because there are so may things I'd love to do.
And I'm sure I can achieve most of them. I just can't do them all at once, then it'll never happen!
See, I started a novel a few years ago, I've always wanted to finish it. I also have the desire of developing a musical that I have ideas for... maybe even write a movie musical for the next group at NYFA.
So many projects.
I also want to become a better dancer. I need to.
I also need to practise soprano voice more, so I am fit for fight for the Christine audition for Phantom of the Opera when I am lucky to book that audition one day..
See so many projects..
But I also need to just calm down and let myself practise. I will do whatever I can of different talents every day .. because if I set my goal on one thing, then I'll have nothing if that fails. Does that make sense?
If I put all my energy into my role of Christine, then I'll have nothing if I don't get it at the time I'd expected.

I just need more focused time. That's all.

I came here on the park at 12, and I'd expected to be here for like 3 hours to read and free write and do a blog post... but no no.. it is SO cold. I have to get up now and walk a bit around!

I think I'll be back soon. I just really needed this park. I just needed to come here and breathe. Later I am going to the library to watch Carrie the musical.. no, Jasmin, not important right now... you jut need to be in the moment and focus on breathing.
*big breath*

I fear rejection a lot lately. I don't know why I wanted to say that out loud, because it's not like it's gonna help. I just feel like nothing lasts, you know? No relationships, no friendships truly last the way you have it in the moment. I'm not saying you're gonna loose all your friends.. I'm just saying the good that you have now in the moment.. it won't always be like that.

I was thinking about this the other day. I focus too much on trying to protect what i in the present so that they can last forever. but things don't and that's actually the beauty in them. but i need to trust, and teach myself this; that I need to love and embrace and cherish what I have in the present.
Worrying about the future messes up the present, it really does.
IT really, really does.
..and here's the other thing I thought about. I think i'm lying to myself when I say that things don't last.. it's not true... and I think there's a big part of this generation, 99.999%.. people in this world they don't think things last. I grew up in a generation that lives every day as if it's the last. They'll dance and drink today as if it was the last, not worrying about the next day. Being with everyone in any way you meet on your way. Making the fullest out of relationships, not saving, but jumping into everything.

- And see I never really could do that. I'm more fragile in that way... and I felt like I owed myself more, I felt like I wasn't treating myself in God's plan for my life ahead-way....I always knew that something bigger would come ahead. but here is the thing.. can't ALWAYS say that.
There is really something about this generation. I don't agree with a lot of the things that I pointed out.. but I need to live out loud more too. and the thing about this generation that I don't believe in, that has kind of ruined a lot of things for people my age.. we just don't expect that things last.. whether we've grown up with parents divorcing, siblings or grandparents dying, relationships broken... the thing is we've grown up expecting those things to happen if this is the way we look at it.

So if you go into a relationship knowing, oh this won't last, but I'll make it for now.. you will become the person that rejects the future. Stability.
And worse you will even act in ways that would make the person reject you. Why? - because you're too scared. You're so scared to lose the person that you want to be ready for it, you want to know that you knew about it. You were well aware, and so you come up with reasons for the person to reject you.
....And you go on in life saying.. see things never really last. And then you tell the world; "I have a difficult thing with trust."
You need to trust god. You need to trust yourself more. I've realized this; every single thing can last. It's up to you to hold on to them, grasp on to . the thing is about this generation too, that once it's not butterflies and happy fairytales any more, then you think it means that it shouldn't last.
But that's not the truth.

There's a big reason why you meet the people you do. God plans all the people who come your way. He knows what they're there for and what you'll do with them. And once you love someone. A boy or girl, any friend, family ... any talent, experience, activity, where you live... - you need to rely on that unbreakable love.
Trust and love what you fight for.
You need to trust that you had your reasons for loving and holding on to!

You need to trust and help yourself not bow under for reasons to reject.
Because we're not made to reject. Humans were made to live together. God created us to work together, to love on another. To grow and to share. So stop, please stop rejecting the people around you. They're part of you.

Stop taking advantage or not fully seeing the beauty in the gifts that God gives you on your journey. Everything can last! - Even if they die, even if you'll loose your voice. Everything can last... Because they have the ability to live on in your heart.

- If you go on in life knowing that everything can last, you will do everything in your power to protect and treasure that.. then they will go no where.
And if those things aren't pursued in life the way you expected the to be.. that just means that they had another meaning and a different purpose than you had imagined in God's greater plan. ..but it's always been meant for you to cherish whatever you're given.
Those things that he brought into your life.

So no matter what happens, never reject what he gives you.. and make them last - in your heart.
That's the strongest place to keep them.

As I'm looking at the cars.. ironically.. they drive more peaceful in line, slower.. isn't that funny.. OF COURSE they alway drove one way - as busy as NY gets.... but in my mind; there's more control, more steadiness and focus.
One fell out of line a bit, but quickly and gently got back on track again.. and that's ok. That's life.. just trust yourself.
Jasmin, trust that you can do it.
Trust that there is so much for you in store.
You have so many dreams and projects that it OVERWHELMS you.. and that is a GOOD thing.
It should be a good thing.
You are gifted with a lot of things. Do what your heart tells you to do, what you want to do. listen and have an open heart and mind towards God.
Listen and I will be guided.

Every time I look into my art I see creativity and light and love. If I go from there, I will find peace. I will have more knowledge, I can go anywhere.

Goodnight!

Don't settle for a world of gray.

A song made me think about something last night. How much bad stuff we take in and accept as being part of our lives... and we do this instead of accepting or self critique. It's so much harder to face that you hate yourself in some ways rather than other people hating you. After all you're supposed to be your own best friend. .. just sometimes you really don't want to.

Not that I'm in this state of mind entirely at the moment. ..it just made me realize this after hearing the lyrics :
"if you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself up, if your legs have given up under the weight, if you find that you've been settling for a world of gray; so you wouldn't have to face down your own hate"

And that's really what we do sometimes, because we don't understand our beauty and worth. . Isn't that scary?

In the first place we might've created hate because that's what the world told us about ourselves. ... so is that the truth?
No. There's always love. We're all loved. You yourself know by who. Your creator. Up to you to believe it or not.
BUT I don't really think that's the biggest issue. The biggest issue is believing you are worthy of that love.

No one gets it. It doesn't make sense, while we stumble on our journey trying to make it right after seeing so many wrongs.

Don't settle for a world of gray. Take the love.