Learn to trust it's worth it

Yesterday I was really touched by a song at church. 'I'm in his hands', it was called. The song took me by such surprise, because it told me something I hadn't fully realized before.

That my future is in good hands.

Now I have known that for years, but I'm not sure I fully trusted it - till yesterday when I sang "the days I cannot see have all been planned for me".

And already from the next line I was tearing up.

Realizing that no matter how much I worry and how weak I sometimes feel in pursuing it, my future is in good hands. And not just safe, but in good hands. - Meaning there are happy, important and big things ahead of me.

I’m in His hands, I’m in His hands

Whatever the future holds, I’m in His hands

The days I cannot see have all been planned for me.

His way is best, you see;

I’m in His hands.

- Youtubelink to "I'm in his hands"

And learning to trust this is such a relief, because suddenly the worries of today don't seem so big anymore. And that is the biggest gift I have been given in a really long time.

*

The moment you realize that you will not fail, you're journey won't end - you have so far to go so much more to grow. So much wiser to get, so much more time to learn to trust this.

Are we not lucky we get second chances in life? That no matter how weak we feel, we never stop growing - we never stop seeing new days. Every new day is a new chance.

Someone who loves us more than we understand has everything planned. And that plan is planned out

perfectly. No details are forgotten, is it not amazing?

Grasp it, and trust that we're in good hands.

I really don't care if the ones of you who read this believe that God alone is the conductor of our lives. I know what's important for me. But I care if you think that our life has no meaning, and that there is no plan - no light at the end of the tunnel - for you.

For crying out loud! Trust it.

But to walk around on the street permanently feeling that there was no reason for you to get up, hating your job and your daily chores, holding on to that saying that's to popular among young people at the moment, "f*** my life". What is that supposed to mean? I hate when people say it. I really hate it!

- How about 'love' your life instead. Because it's your life, and you should be proud of it. All the things you can do.. !

But people still say "f*** my life" ?

I hear people saying it, when something bad happens to them, when it's raining or when they're just tired.

Like a 'curse that this and this had to happen to me', like a 'someone must really hate me because this happened to me' and a 'there is no meaning'.

I'm not saying you should love every single thing that happens in your life, because life is full of ups and downs. But how about you embrace your life instead of hating it when the bad things happen? And maybe seeing them as happening for a purpose. A purpose that either makes you stronger, wiser, or leads to something even better?

Be good to yourself and the life you live.

Learn to trust it's worth it.

Extreme autumn day

Today it was even more an autumn day!

I woke up really cold in bed - even though I had long sleeves from top to bottom and I had 3 blankets over me. : /
During my breakfast in the dining room this morning, rain was dripping down through a big part of the roof.
So yes - I got to use my umbrella today.. on the 2 minute walk to the subway...

On my way out the subway in the other end, I saw a man wearing a shower cap over his tall black hat! I had to laugh, because the sight was hilarious! And it was interesting to see what kind of mood people got in, in this weather change.

*

Today I am starting with my two dance classes, and my intention is not to try too hard! I have a feeling that I struggle and get nervous when I think too much about whether I am doing every single thing right. It's that release that is needed for me to fully enjoy the class.

- Our jazz class tuesday this week was so much fun! Our teacher is so cool, and she just focused on giving us the time of our lives! In the warm up she'd for instance make us go through isolations (moving one part of your body in one motion without moving any other body parts), and after that she'd give us 16 counts to shake our bums like mad!!
And I just let go and had fun.
By the end of the class we stood in a circle and everyone had to go in the middle. It was like a high school party, and we all had so much fun!

Our jazz class today was so much fun too! We had a third substitute teacher, and he was very good with us and getting everyone on the team. He had so much energy and I loved his choreography.
For the first time today, I could go through all the steps in both classes, and just focus on extending them or fixing minor details.
It's easier when you relax. And our ballet teacher thought we did well, seeing most of the stuff she made us do was totally new for us.
I'm overall glad about my effort today, and that's a huge step!

Today I just felt like I had more energy, and I think I'm a step more ahead of getting on top of my intensive schedule.

*

Our new building at Battery Park is really beginning to take shape.
Today they installed water ponds on every floor, so you don't have to fight for filling up your water bottle at the only cold water tap the school had on the 5th floor, between the two dance classes.
Today they have put out photographs and film posters, which they've begun to hang on every bare part of the many white walls.

Just like the building is beginning to take its shape, I think the students are too.
The walls of fear are beginning to break down, the masks are beginning to come off, and the minds are beginning to be more calm.
It is my experience that everyone was pushed through an overwhelming and at times turbulent period of therapy.

We couldn't enter the classroom with the shields we carry in the real world.
We had to be open and honest, while being pushed, called out and looked at intensively.
We were sent out on the field without our weapons or shields - we just had to believe we'd survive as the wonderful people we were made to be, and not break down from the weapons that hit us on the way.

This was our personal war of daring to go the distance across the field.
And going to war with no other preparation but lighting up the sun inside us and believing in ourselves.
And for some, this was difficult - because they didn't believe in themselves or they were too shy to show the sun.
Some had been told the If we weren't vulnerable - we were cheating.
Realizing that we don't need weapons. 

And how beautiful is that.
When no-one in the room pretends to be someone else, everyone is together in being themselves.
And even though we'd still be in the same room, if we all pretended to be stronger than we were; we might feel stronger on the outside, but then alone on the inside.

Just now, while spending my break writing this post in the student's lounge - someone like me from the school broke out in tears in front of everyone.
I took out my head phones, because I thought her grandma had died or something like that, and I wanted to the supportive friend. But a couple of other friends around me turned to her, and she admitted that the tears were pure frustration. She was too hard on herself (just like I am), and she was frustrated with not getting the dance steps right in ballet today.

How revealing that must have been for her - to have her friends tell her she'll get the dance steps in time - not the first day we learn them. And how revealing for me.

Because, something like this is another step forward for all of us. 
- In the past weeks, whenever you couldn't hold your tears in and you were too scared to show them in class; the bathroom was the safest place.
If it wasn't me crying, someone else sniffled in the locker beside me - all from the pressure and the difficulty of opening up vulnerably.

But truth is - the bathroom is not the safest place. The teachers continuously tell us that our classroom is the safest place in New York! Most of the times the class has just laughed slightly, trying to believe it.
Because our safe place was a private place, where we could be alone, like running to the bathroom.
But truth is - it's not a safe place, it's a hiding place.

The same person who just cried told us her story about one time in ballet where she found herself 'dancing' for the first time, and not just trying to get the technique right. She had never done the dance routine right on the floor, until she threw herself into it - and she mentioned how the teacher gazed at her, thrilled at the progress. She just threw herself into it, even though she wasn't sure of the steps, she said.
And my good friend, who's the absolute best dancer on our team then said:
"And that's where it goes right."

It takes a while to trust it, but once I learn to trust it completely - I know I've never made a safer decision.

*

I hope that the personal suns come along in these next weeks, just as beautifully as the interior design in the Battery park building.
Every new day has been easier in some ways, and 10 x more difficult in other ways. But every new day - those days I let myself be affected - I know I am a step closer to being comfortable in myself. And not taking my shield to school becomes a natural part of me, that in the end harms me more than it helps. Every day I'm more myself. - It sounds silly doesn't it?! .. but how true it is!

I hope that everyone who reads this understand how precious you are, by just being you.

So, please, take off your mask. It ruins our world and makes people small.
Please, don't hide yourself.

Much love, Jasmin

X

The first autumn day

My day always starts with a cup of tea!
This morning I brought my own tea to the dining room, because I was enjoying it while Susan enjoyed her morning coffee.

On my way to the DR in the elevator

I had an awesome breakfast today! I love it when they have croissants, because toasting croissants is the most delicious thing I know. I was aware that the fat would be danced away in no time, so I never feel bad taking one every once in a while!

This is what my breakfast tray looks like from the dining room. Of course with a small difference every day.
Fruit, cereal/non-fat greek yoghurt with muesli, bread/pancake with blueberries, eggs/omelette, a glass of orange juice, a glass of passion fruit juice, a glass of water, tea and sometimes half a cup of coffee..!

*

When I went outside this morning, the weather was true autumn.
You could feel how the temperatures had fallen and the breeze wasn't a mild kiss on your cheek but a cool blow in your face, up your sleeves, and up your ankles.

The trees are beginning to change color. The phenomenal brown, orange and red colors of the autumn are not completely there yet, - but I am certain that in no time they will all transform at once.

Sometimes these days, you will see drops of rain.. but most of those times I have been indoor. Last time was in a Shakespeare class, and then it was actually pouring with cats and dogs. .. I am trying to figure out how you would have expressed that in Shakespeare's time. I might think of it later!

I can't wait to show the streets of New York my fancy umbrella, but I haven't had the opportunity for that yet!

Other than that, I feel the air changing, which I've felt as a drying out of my throat. Our showcase practicum teacher has advised us to get a humidifier, so we don't get sick from the extreme changes in the air.
And our vocal lab teacher has instructed us to damp our faces 15 minutes a day - by that we place our faces slightly above boiled water, with a towel around our heads. This clears any knots or coughs in our throats and vocal chords.

And our speech teacher talked a lot about being ready for the winter, by keeping our faces warm and not let them dry, being warmly dressed and staying hydrated. The degrees change to winter in no time, and because our school is just by the sea - where there's a much cooler wind blowing, it's going to feel REALLY cold.

I'm a bit scared of this, because I know how easily I have gotten sick the past winters. And besides there's nothing I hate more than freezing!!
Winter time is dark and depressing, unless you find something that uplifts that mood. Some people like - or even love the cold - but for me cold is like knifes that sting in your body and all the way through to the inner parts of your bones, and no matter how many layers you wear, you can't escape it.
... So, it's always a fight for me getting through the winter, but I doubt it will be as difficult, being in New York at Christmas time! The streets will be lid up with Christmas lights, probably x 100 of what I've seen before, the power and exhaltation of American Christmas songs playing from shops and market places reach every corner of the buildings, and almost the same amount of people as Denmark's total population are present in just this one city, spreading their Christmas joy.
And most importantly, I know for sure that no matter where I choose to celebrate my Christmas Eve, it won't be alone.

*

Today was a very intensive day at school and I learnt a lot.

Meisner class was AMAZING.
Our teacher started off by saying that our class, out of the 4-5 different ones he's teaching, are the one's who are furthest into the process - the one's he sees growing the most with the biggest potential.

So today, he took the exercise to the next level.
- The repetition exercise was now not only about paying attention to the other person, noticing their behavior and repeating every word exactly as they said it - but now we had a 'mindblowingly' challenging test to think about at the same time.

We were given a broomstick in our hands, and the test was to balance that broomstick on our fingers, switching between the fingers one at a time and over to the other hand, without helping/dropping it/cheating. We had to do that 5 times back and forth both hands.
And this was not an impossible exercise, but something so physically difficult, that it needed your full concentration.
Of course no one was able to do it! - why he gave us the task....

So one person went outside the door, and the other stayed in the room, doing the broomstick test. The first person knocked on the door, wanting to be let in and talk.
The difficulty for the other person was to pay attention to someone else, while having to focus on another thing.
To have another person in the room distracting you and saying, "you look like a dancing monkey" or "you messed it up" does NOT help, and only frustrates and infuriates!

Our teacher even made it clear that if we dropped the broom our grade for the day would fall one letter, if we dropped it on him our grade would be an F- for the day, and if we did the whole exercise our grade would be A+ for the rest of the semester!
So it wasn't just a stupid test, it was like fighting for your life!

BUT in the midst of all this fuss, the magic of acting truthfully happened. Being so focused on something important, made everyone act on their impulses, without thinking about what they were saying.
And those fresh impulses - without being transformed to a feeling we think more appropriate in the circumstances or being compressed to a tinier form because we are scared to show them to the fullest - are gold. The gold is us; just being ourselves truthfully.

It's my favorite class! The most nerve-wrecking, but somehow the one class I feel completely comfortable in.

In vocal lab, we are still singing ligid (the technique you hear in the old musicals - that has a more classical sound). In the last couple of classes we have been through 'My favorite things' from The Sound of Music and 'Goodbye, little dream goodbye' from Anything goes. After the group singing and lots of breathing exercises where we focus on finding the right placement and using your support in the right way, each one of us goes up to sing a song in front of the class.

Today I sang 'Something wonderful', to get the technical advise before performing it in Kristy Cates' Song interpretation class on Friday.
My teacher thought I did a fantastic job, and she was really surprised because she thinks it's a very difficult song. A+, she said ;-)

*

When I went back home, I spent a long time getting the technique to work:
Relaxed jaw, wide open mouth. Ribs out the whole time. Taking a deep breath that pushes your lower back and tummy out. Gently - almost like talking - most parts of the song, just letting the notes flow naturally. Pushing your belly out the more energy I need to sing the biggest parts and the high notes.

While damping my face above boiling water for 15 minutes, I sang through 'My favorite things' about 20 times, until the technique for it was thrillingly perfect, and came with ease.
Then I sang through 'Something wonderful' again. And oh wow! For the first time I sang the whole song through, like there were no difficult parts, - just because all the work was done with my support - not a forcement of the jaw, or a strained throat.
I'm telling you, after running through the song twice, with my hand on my belly and a relaxed jaw, the music was like a stream that just flooded out of me.

I'm not saying this is the first time in my life I've understood the support of singing - otherwise I would never have been able to sing 'On my own', especially being told I could sing it on West End now with that performance...
But, this was one of the first times I sang, without feeling like I had to work for it at all.
I've gotten the hang of it before, but I am much further down the road to understanding exactly how it's done in my body!

...And after that, I'm not kidding, I sang 'O Mio Babbino Caro'. Which I've sung a lot of times before - but never with total ease and perfection in all the high notes.
I am so glad MUM <3 Because I promised you to sing your favorite song one day - perhaps to an anniversary or 50th birthday. - And now I know, for sure, that I can nail that performance. ;) 

To every one: I put a link to the song, if you click on the name. It's such an unbelievably beautiful song. There is so much longing and pain in it, and the music and the text combined has an incredible soul.

The song is about a young girl, who is deeply in love with someone she is not permitted to be with. In the song she sings to her dad, admitting her love - one she can't live without. She tearfully begs her dad to allow her to be with the man she loves, and if she can't, she says, she will throw herself into the river.

I've heard the song hundreds of times, yet every time I sing it, it brings tears in my eyes, without having been through the character's journey.
I think this is one of the magic songs, that slips into your soul immediately, because the music just tells the story. - You don't have to create it yourself or imagine anything. And it's like that for me every time with this song, as if every time is the first time I've heard it.

Find your favorite song of the week. There's nothing better to inspire you.
And inspiration is so important!

X

"You inspire me to believe"

Hello Readers!

Taking your morning tea/coffee with me?? :)

This weekend I was on Long Island in West Hempstead at the family's house.

I basically just chilled, chilled and chilled... and HOW I needed that.

This was how I could get my homework done, while chilling at the same time:

- Notating the scansion on Shakespeare lines on the train to Long Island (making the 35 minutes pass in no time!)

- sitting in the garden out in the sun, writing my 300 word essay for Performance lab

- watching 'Fiddler on the roof' (the typical length of a musical - 3,5 hours!) in the basement with Jake (that place is a heaven of couches!)

Musical theatre hmw is not so bad!

Shakespeare lines and scansion notated above

Jake and Niya chilling with me Sunday afternoon

Song work and assignment for performance lab!

However, even though it's very inspiring to work with so many texts, it's also very time-consuming (of that time I don't have much of). I'm trying to keep up with all the wonderful stories in my head, but sometimes it slips. I'll learn ;)

At the moment I have Lady Thiang from 'The King and I', Jessica from 'A Chorus line', Viola from 'Twelfth night', my grandma, Hope from 'Anything goes', Lorry from 'Oklahoma', the ensemble of 'All shook up', the ensemble of 'Atlantic city' and the children of 'The Sound of Music' in my mind.

Just for next week...

*

There were a lot of special and intense moments for me this weekend:

Friday night after school, I was overwhelmed by a message my good friend Caroline sent me. I have asked for her permission to share a part of it:

..."Your love and your greatness is very touching and I felt so joyful when I read about your life and your adventure. I've never met anyone with such a great amount of will power and beliefs.

The small Danish folks would call it: dreaming, unrealistic and waaaaay too hard for such a young girl.
And how you proved them WRONG. You have no idea of how much respect I have for you. You inspire me to believe and go out there and become what I want."

I find this message really touching, because it made me think that I have absolutely no idea who hears all my 'blog thoughts'. Yet, almost every day, I am surprised by people I haven't talked with for - sometimes - years, who tell me that they eagerly read every single post the minute it gets out.
I really thank you all, and especially the ones of you who have told me you are very moved by my posts. It makes me very happy. 

Caroline drew me this picture of me when we were 14 years old.

"Hold on to your dream"

And how Caroline had me in tears of fondness, writing the message above to me, because what she says is exactly what I would be proud of doing.
Achieving my dream to show people that dreams can be achieved is probably one of the greatest parts of achieving it.

. . . .You know, it's easy to think that going for your dream is something you do for your own benefit.
But I think I have realized on the way, that there are so many people I have affected with my dream.

- People in my family who saw the true core of me and have believed in that part since. My dad who tells my siblings to look up to me. Trusting to believe in themselves, like their big sister does.
- My best friend who determinedly said that I with no exception HAD to become a singer, the day she first heard me sing (as maybe an 8-year old) ... and she had me sing covers for her that she filmed and posted on youtube. Now she is in California studying film production, looking forward to the time we both graduate, so we can work professionally together with publishing my songs in music videos.
- My grandma who could only ever fulfill the dream she had of being a performer in the theatre world, through the achievement of mine.
- My friends who at a young age dreamed along with me of becoming famous singers - and were surprised that when we'd grown up and they had backed out of that young girl's 'disney-like' dream a long time ago, they watched how I'd turned that dream into something realistic and kept on working for that.

So, who am I kidding?.....  - of course my dream is for you too!
And my dream would not be of much value, if there is no-one to come and see me when I, after years of learning, can finally share it onstage.

.....I don't think I ever fully understood why my friends were so surprised at me working for my dream so determinedly.
To me it seemed so natural to just go for the biggest thing you wanted. I just couldn't see no other meaning, besides that.
To me - working hard was never as hard as they thought it was for me, knowing that I worked for my biggest desire.

*

Another special thing this weekend was video chatting with 2 of my best friends, Christa and Helene (who also came to wave goodbye to me in the airport).
AND I also video chatted with my whole family. I hadn't seen my siblings since waving goodbye to them in the airport, - so seeing them now on a full screen very cheerful and much grown up was wonderful.

In the afternoon, I was being told about the requiem's mass for my grandma Monday. Knowing that it has now been a month since my grandma died is absolutely unbelievable. But I felt blessed to hear that the greater part of my Danish family that couldn't make it to the funeral in Portugal was there. Family and friends from both my mum's and dad's side gathered in memory and grief of my loving grandma.

- I thank everyone of you who lid candles, prayed or just spared a thought for us in these difficult times. Your support and act of love means so much to me.

And a couple of days ago, I received a package from my mum, which contained two of my grandmas silk shirts.

I have worn them these last couple of days with pride and love, and sitting here at school - wearing the same shirt for the 3rd time, I am still able to smell her in the shirt.

*

The third special moment I had was at church, Sunday morning. A lady whom I'd been introduced to once before a couple of weeks ago, came up to me and let me know how nice it was to see me again. She then said, "I just have to hug you, because you look so happy. I am so glad you're here."
And I thought - wow how special. That doesn't happen every day. But anyhow.. it certainly happens in Hempstead Citadel corps.
-
My writing was just interrupted for a while...

... when Susan called!:)

*

When I was on my train ride back from Long Island, I had a moment of new thoughts.
I took some time to look at myself from the outside. Who I had become throughout this month in New York.
And from there, I saw my new routine and my new social network.

I noticed how extremely different that person was, from just a month back.

I remembered how I had logged on facebook earlier that day to video chat with friends and family. As usual different statuses and pictures popped up on the home page. But that afternoon some people popped up on the screen, which I was suddenly reminded of - and by that suddenly realizing that I had put those people and places so far back in my mind.

Like the person that I'd always meet on my bike ride to school, or the person I always met in the rehearsal rooms at school, or someone I was once in love with, or someone I once had a huge argument with. And I was reminded of all those places I had met the people at, and the funny habits I had and the kind of things that could irritate me (like the 4a bus that never comes on time, especially during the frosty winter).

And it really is strange. But I was reminded of so many things, suddenly remembering how much those things meant to me - small or big things, they were the things that filled my day.
But not being reminded at all of all those people and the funny routines I had every day, makes them seem so far away. And can you believe it - that 'old' chain of thoughts is only a month away!

Being able to have left everything behind and find my spot in what seems like another universe; with no-one I knew before, no places I'd been to before, no routines that looked like mine before, no weather quite like the ones I had before, no language like the one I came from, and definitely no culture like before. Being able to do that creates the biggest change of thoughts you can imagine.

All these new people, places and experiences are the different things that create my new strings of thought. They make me think in another way, they give me other needs, the make me feel other things, and they make me make different decisions.

It's interesting to think about which people that are mostly on your mind during the day.

A couple of months, back in Denmark, the people who crossed my mind frequently were:
- The people I filmed my music videos with because it was a very intense project and we had to stay in contact the whole time to be fully updated and prepared for the next film set
- My parents crossed my mind many times a day, every day, because I thought a lot about how precious these last few weeks were with them. I wrote to them to hear when they were off from work, what we should make for dinner, what special things we should do as a family today ... and so forth.
- My private singing teacher was one of my biggest inspirations in the High school years, because she was the first teacher to hear my voice and encourage me to develop it. And in the last few weeks I talked with her a lot about my journey in New York (one of the same kind, she had taken at the Danish Academy of Musical Theatre) and I sang through parts of my repertoire for her, before going to all my auditions.
- My teachers from high school crossed my mind a lot, in the weeks up to my graduation, because I thought about the 3 good years I'd had with them.
- My 3-4 different bosses, which I tried to please equally, but still drove me nuts for not caring about my sleep or any free time!
- Some of my class mates crossed my mind because I thought a lot about where they'd all fly to and which choices they'd make after 13 years of school!

All those people you have the most appointments with and the ones who have an impact on you or those you just need or depend on to keep your tight schedule from not falling apart!

And oh my gosh and get outta town has this list not changed drastically!!

People who now cross my mind numerous times daily are the Wittenberg's, my teachers at school who I either can't wait to be inspired by or fear a bit to be pushed by, some of my class mates who I've connected with in special ways through Meisner, my grandma, people I meet at Hempstead corps every sunday, the lady at the front desk in the residence who just won't smile even though I greet her every day and the children I'm teaching drama.

So, sitting in the train back to Manhattan Sunday evening, I thought to myself: wow - this particular girl, with these connections, she could have been someone I made up from scratch, playing with my imagination a year ago.

"A young girl lives on West 13th street on Manhattan. Every morning she takes the subway to one of USA's top drama schools. She comes home late every day, and eats at her residence among other women. Before going to bed she goes to the concert hall in the building of her residence, where she rehearses and goes through her homework for her intensive school program.
In the weekends she visits an American family who has embraced her as a member of their family, because she has no-one else. She travels to their house on Long Island to get a good night's sleep and rest from the daily rush, and she attends their traditions and meetings at their Salvation Army church in Hempstead."

This is what the girl sleeps in (yes very classic American college-like blanket!):

(The girl's new favourite blanket 

- given to her by the American family

from their annual trip to North Carolina)

This is what the girl's food drawer looks like (again - classic American college student!):

(Snacks for the long school days.

Semi-poor, but well healthy!)

This is the girl's tea shelf, which calms her every night, and wakes her every morning:

(Lemon tea, Jasmine tea, Yogi calm tea,

Perch's tea, Kusmi tea, English black tea, Charmomille tea)

*

A year ago, I could never have guessed this story in these places, with these connections. But it sure is an interesting story. I think there's so much more ahead for this girl.

So,- especially if this blog could be turned into a book one day -
I'll keep the story rolling.
.........

Following up on the headline. A friend said those words to me, yes.. However, I have also realized this. Since my dream is not just for me, but for so many other people I care about. When I feel lost and tired of always keeping my head up, continuously fighting to do my best.
You inspire me to believe.

     

              X

A new girl in a new place

Today, on my way from the diner to my room, I met a new guest in the elevator who had just arrived to the city.
She was tiredly dragging her massive suitcase after her, confusingly asking questions about the rules and procedures in the building to the woman from the Markle who guided her and determinedly greeting me, probably hoping I could be at least the one friendly soul she could greet when she in the next couple of weeks would walk through the halls of the buildings.

Wow! I thought.. was that not just me 5 weeks ago?
How scared the girl in the elevator looked, - but at the same time very excited. And she had every good reason to.

I don't think I can allow myself to call myself 'the new girl' anymore.
I haven't been for a while. The daily routines started weeks ago, and I don't have the need of always finding a new face in the building, to feel safe with the people around me.

I am a part of this place now, even though I feel it completely or not.

And it's funny, because when I walked down 13th street today I strangely caught myself thinking that 'I was heading to my current room in the Markle'. As in - this is the place I am now. It didn't think of it as a place I had rooted myself in. I'm still not completely familiar with the place.

It's not a home, where I open the door and shout "I'm home" - walking through the many rooms, checking who's there, cuddling the cat, opening the door to the balcony to smell the flowers from the pots, looking through the fridge for favourite foods, taking the dishes and putting on music on a high level.

My house in Malawi had a different routine, my house in Kenya a 3rd, my first apartment in Denmark a 4th.
No my new place doesn't have the same kind of routine.
There's routine - but not the same feeling about it.

But now when I think of it, even though my new way of living needs a lot more bravery, I really think it is the best way of living.

To not be too stuck on one place, because then every new place is just a link in your journey.

I am actually not sure if I'm making any sense out of this for you....

- But see it this way. If you're too familiar and personally attached to a place, it's more difficult to leave.
It holds you back from flying.

It feels like there are more things you leave behind, than the things you will find ahead.
BUT if I'm certain about one thing, it is that that is definitely not true.

Oh, what an ocean of places, experiences, people and dreams that lie ahead of each one of us.

What an ocean of memories I have had form 2 years in Malawi. And just like each of those images, I remember just as clear the day in Copenhagen's airport. As a 12-year old girl, my whole world evolved my school and friends and hobbies, and being taken away from that felt like the world had come to an end.
Literally. I was hulking. And I was so mad at my parents for making this very spontaneous decision.
I think I even tried to fast forward the two years in my mind, to the day we'd return. I imagined how relieved I was, and how that moment was bound to be the best thing that had happened to me in the 2 years of 'waiting'.

Turns out - it was quite the opposite.
Coming back was probably 10 times more difficult than going there. It was heartbreakingly difficult, and we all felt like we were returning to a hollow world with no adventures.
How much of a better, maturer and brighter person I had become of seeing the world outside my original 'shelter'.

As a matter of fact, when people ask where I'm from, I sometimes reply that a part of me is Malawian. No blood relation or pass port - but that very special part of my heart.

JUST IMAGINE if I were to make that decision in the airport. I would without a doubt have gone back to my shelter.
And my 2 years would have seen maybe a 10th of what I'd seen in Africa. Or maybe seen as much, but learnt a 10th of what life taught me in Africa.

And I repeat myself from earlier:
Oh, what an ocean of places, experiences, people and dreams that lie ahead of each one of us.

I'm not just talking to my young friends. Mum! Granddad! How many times have you not looked back on decades, thinking "What a wonderful life I've had!". And do you remember how much more you saw in the years after saying that?
Life and its opportunity is not just the young age. Some may not agree with me. But I think the older you get, the more you settle. The more difficult it is to take a spontaneous turn.

One of my good friends once shared this quote with me:

"I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question."

Have good flight tomorrow! Hope you see something new.

X

Every good day begins with a good mood

Sometimes you really have to fight for achieving that good mood. Other times it's just there. 

Maybe it was the way you slept, the things you looked forward to in the day ahead, the memories of the day before, the weather outside or a good song in your head.

- For me it was the way I decided to go to bed yesterday night. My whole attitude towards the day, beginning from the moment I'd open my eyes again. -

Yesterday at 9 pm, I was quickly dropped off by Susan back at my residence on 13th street, after a day on Long Island with the family.
And within a minute the car drove away, and the sudden rush of a special day flashed before my eyes:

Quickly getting out of bed, earlier than on a school day, to reach the Wittenberg house as early as possible. Being with them all through the church meeting, spending the afternoon with them back at the house, gathering around the dinner table with traditional American hot dogs, and 'cozy-ing' in the evening, lying next to each other on the couches with the fire on.

I hadn't seen the family for 2 weeks, and I had really struggled with not being in their presence. I had needed to speak to a close friend and evaluate all the great and the less great things about every new day in school.
So in the past 2 weeks, I'd had hour-long phone calls with Susan almost every night, before going to sleep.
Being extremely vulnerable and unbelievably exhausted from school, I'd had absolutely no energy left to hang out with friends, take a fresh stroll in Central Park, or take mini-adventures in the city.
There was no energy and no time after the usual routine:

wake up - read bible - have breakfast - get dressed - take the subway to school - 1st class - 2nd class - lunch (at school) - 3rd class - take the subway back home - rush to dinner - do written homework - go over ballet - go over songs - get into my pajamas - tea in bed + massage tired muscles - 10 minutes of free writing for Meisner - sleep (hoping to get enough sleep!)

But even though this has become the routine, there are so many new things I see; around me, and in myself. And all through this rush, I needed compassion, comfort and someone I trusted sharing this with.
So the highlight of my day (maybe apart from the first proper and big meal I finally get at 8 pm), was always that return to home, to the call with Susan.
The only one near me I can tell everything to, and the only one of the closest people around me who isn't under the same pressure as me.
And when I come home, either sad or happy - it doesn't matter - I need to find time to recharge for the next day, I need to find my way back to the ground, back to peace.

This is what the calls with Susan have been for me. They are the sound of human compassion, gentleness and peace. And the conversation of this; the release of sharing and the relief of being heard is what makes my soul relax and recharge.
And I guess this is what the sound of home has been for me here.

.... So being back home and seeing the family again at last, even just for a day, was extremely healing for me.
My favourite place on a sunday morning is at the church meeting in Hempstead chore.
And the rest of the day was just a perfectly normal and chilled, but extremely cozy day.

And the flash of these memories made my heart smile. And that's what made me walk into the lounge, greeting the people at the front desk with a loud: "How was your day? Have a good night!" and after that, seeing how my joy affected the silent people in the elevator.

Why did I smile so much?
Why could I open the door to my room and be happy, walking around alone in the dark room?

Because of love.

I could smile because I understood the treasure of being loved and being able to love.

What makes you love someone?
Because of who they are. Because of how they make you feel. Because of what they do for you.

The last thing I said to Susan before going to sleep was:
"I love you, for holding my hand".

And between the lines, was a millions of words, telling the story underneath. That she was the one person who was physically present to hold my hand all through the times I needed it - in support, in awe, in compassion, in protection and in love.
That's my reason. And no-one else has that specific reason to love Susan. She is loved by many people, especially her husband and dear family.

But my point is; we love people because of what they do to our lives.

I don't just love my mum, because she is my mum. Our story is a billion more words that I could never just type in one blog post. The same with my dad. And the rest of my family.

So find your reason.
A lot of humans find themselves surrounded by hundreds of people, but they never really figured out where they placed them in their heart. They feel and they love, but not everyone of them understand the true meaning of the bonds they've created.

Today in Meisner class, our teacher said something really important:
"Most people go to their graves with their music still inside them."

But I won't let that happen to me. ...No one should let that happen to themselves.
And my strong instrument of love is definitely one I will not fail to use.
I want to be honest and not only let people be aware of my love for them, - I want to prove it to them every day.

And I will perfectly relive the strong love my grandma taught me.
There were no things unsaid, no things undone. And that's how it should be.
If someone touches all the strings of your heart - tell them!
Don't keep your love instrument inside - because it's the strongest one you have, out of the whole orchestra inside you.

*

My smile last night came from feeling so blessed to have been welcomed with such love.
That's a reason anyone should stick a smile on their face for! And that kind of smile lasts more than a little while.

So when you find yourself almost surrendering to the darker part of your mood, take a second and think about what values mean the most. What is really important in our lives right now?

WE are ALL fighting against something the whole time.
Not having struggle, obstacles or doubts doesn't sound human to me.
- BUT it's hard! And I mean really hard! ..To not surrender to that struggle and not let yourself stay on the ground all cringed up, not bothering to stand up, because you know you'll fall again anyway.
We fall the whole time. And we hurt ourselves so deeply in some of the falls.
We shouldn't be ashamed and punish ourselves for these falls.
But they don't define who we are alone.

So when you end your day, you can decide for yourself. Will you stand up with scars for healing, or will you lie on the ground for aggravation. Can you go to bed with a smile on your face?
Take a moment. Place your love. Feel its power. Cherish its work.
And
Just be blessed.

*

Every good day begins with a good mood.

I woke up today with the same smile on my face. And I knew that this was a special day.
For that, I opened my drawer and found the box with my Tahiti pearl in it. The one my grandma had specially designed for me.

This pearl is a treasure - both in value and the personal story behind it. It's very special, and usually only worn a couple of times a year for the biggest celebrations.

But today was a celebration. A celebration for a special day. For the special smile.

- The school day was really frustrating, and everyone of my class mates felt frustrated at the same time.
We all had a day where we felt the demands being unfair and unclear. We all felt that we had done our best, yet been punched right back on the ground in a second.

But today was good, because I really started bonding with my class mates. Today they were not just the people with different backgrounds and smiles I was surrounded by. Today they were friends I connected with and people I found comfort in.
And knowing that everyone struggles, everyone feels frustrated and exhausted is probably our strongest point in the bond of our class.

12 people. Soon only 10, when the 4 week's course students leave.
That's very intense, with very personal focus. A strong bond. 12 different characters.

- And we will all succeed in telling our stories to the world.

And all of that work starts with special days like these.

Love ya!

X

Thursday the 26th

I woke up today very cold. It's difficult to get out of bed. I have my cup of tea and read half an hour in the bible.

My first class that morning was jazz, then ballet. I had good fun in jazz, and I'm feeling less and less pressure. Today the teacher told me: "Jasmin. CONFIDENCE."
And I know I need to work on that in dance, that's the only thing missing.
My body doesn't look like it's built for looking goofy. I know that it can do beautiful things.

I was very exhausted after both the jazz and ballet class, and we had no breaks in between. My muscles are still aching from it, even though I stretched out properly. It's like I worked very hard today, almost exploding my muscles! But I know that doesn't happen like that, so they are just tired and need rest.

In showcase practicum today we had to present our homework, which was to choose a song by the composer/lyricist we're working with at the moment; Ahrens & Flarity.
They wrote Once on this Island, Ragtime, The glorious ones, Lucky stiff and many more. Most of them which I didn't know before, so it was interesting to spread my repertoire a bit. However, I chose Journey to the past from Anastasia - which always has been one of my favorite animated movies.

We looked at the next song 'The sound of music', a beautiful song! I've already had the score from The Sound of Music stuck in my head, since yesterday, when we all performed 'My favorite things' in our Voice studio class.

When we had a small break I couldn't help singing the song out loud. Especially the most beautiful part, the high notes by the end of each line: "the hills are aloud with the sound of music - a-a-a-ah!".
And later, after the break the teacher gave us different parts to sing, 3 people on each voice. And then she wanted me to sing the "a-a-a-ah!".

I couldn't help but give myself a big proud smile on the inside, because I knew she gave me that voice because she'd heard me.

This is what happens in real life. If you share and sing out loud, in stead of keeping it to yourself, you don't get heard.
At an audition, yes you do. But when you walk down the street, you never know if there's a composer walking near you. Just like when you are at an audition for the ensemble - because the main character's were taken, if you give them MUCH more than what they ask for and what they expect - you might be remembered for another great part.
And this happens all the time. The teacher tell us that too.
It's about luck sometimes. But mostly about working hard.

The other day on the street I was singing Phantom of the Opera to myself, and this man walking in front of me took out one of his earphones to listen to me. I couldn't help but turn up the volume, he might have been someone looking for a new perfect Christine, you never know ;)

And sitting in the classroom today - I felt so proud inside, because I thought about how I was a couple of years back.
I would never had dared to sing aloud. I would always be scared to be heard. But that has changed so much.
And you bet I'm moving ahead to being heard big time! ;)

Our teacher in Showcase practicum took a long time explaining to us that we would need to learn how we recharge after the long week. Meaning; being under so much pressure physically and emotionally, we need to give us time to rest and find peace in ourselves - so we don't break down, loose control or get stressed.
It could be sitting in a corner with music in our ears after class, taking a nap, sitting in a park.. whatever helps us.

Right now I am sitting in the student's lounge, trying to isolate myself from the rush of the day. Some rest and food does good, and I just noticed that people around me are extremely loud - but I didn't notice until now.. so that's a strength I know will be good to have in these two years.

Right now I am done with resting (well not saying I couldn't need more!). But I need to go practise a song, I have to sing solo in 15 minutes. After that it's music theory!
And theeeen dinner!

I wish you a good night's sleep - knowing a lot of you are probably on your way to bed, or already sleeping.

Sweet dreams. X