Monday, October 6, 2014

A writer must keep writing

Sitting in my bed to Pandora’s Christian music radio. “Finding myself at a loss for words”, an artist sings.
And that’s exactly how I feel. What to say after being stuck so long? It’s so hard to get good words on paper, I feel. But at the same time, I feel such a release by touching the keyboard, just typing nothing to begin with. It feels right and I am so happy to be able to share again.
I have so missed expressing myself on paper. And that goes for songs too. I have had a few really great ideas I just haven’t made the time or felt good enough to finally compose something. The keys on the piano sounded the same for a long time.
Some weeks ago I wrote a simple lyrics, which turned out to be a beautiful catching tune.
I am having trouble uploading mp3’s here on my blog.. but perhaps I will find someone who can help me record it soon, so I can publish it on my page. I called the song ‘Deliver’, and it goes like this:

“Let loose, it’s just a phase,
I used to trust that phrase,
Remain empty as the promise overflows,
Weeping as I find that it shows.

The piano use to have all the colors of the rainbow,
Now it’s ink spilled on snow,
The girl next door has a sense of spring,
But I can’t deliver anything.

Deliver,
Deliver,
Deliver,
I don’t feel at home.

So I’ll try this phrase again,
But I’m lost by every downfall,
It shouldn’t matter at all,
My stories they seem wrong and all the chords here have been told,
But my soul is getting old.

Deliver,
Deliver,
Deliver,
I need to go home.”

- The song to me is about sitting by the piano and trying to compose again, but in the end not getting anything out of it. The promise of always delivering and being artistic and sharing and expressing myself – made because I hunger for it and know I am very good at it; it’s where I fit in best… it’s so hard when you don’t have inspiration or feel good enough.. and yet you just have to keep on writing. That’s the most important thing for a writer – any kind – never stop writing, even though it’s just silly words on paper or help repeated over and over again… keep writing!
*
Aww. the songs I’ve written only a few weeks back are so beautiful. Many of my teachers have heard them and love them. One of is a musical theatre composer who has been spreading the word about me. And has been talking about competitions for upcoming composers for next year, another has added one of my songs to his play list for the yoga classes he teaches. I feel proud and happy. I actually REALLY want to try to send some to the radio stations or take use of some of my Broadway contacts and ask for help with recording. I’m sure there’s something I could do about it, without having to sign a million dollar contract and recording it in a studio. There’s a lot of people who have home equipment.

I’ll just share a few of my favorite lyrics. Melody for me, for these songs, have been the most magic part.. but some of the lyrics do really stand out on their own.

From ‘A great story’:

“Unloving you is a place that doesn’t exist,
even in stories I know there’s no place like it,
see; that would mean fairy tales speak true,
as I proved them not to do when I lost you.

We were a great story,
If only someone had written it down,
If so, would you re-read it?
Would I still be made the clown?

I need a great story to tell my children one day,
Those tiny miracles that you’d wanted with me,
Guess that’s why I’ve started composing – for me,
So I don’t wait for another pretend-story to fill me.”
*
A sky in return:

“When you look out at the view
No matter where you are,
There seems to be a faded line between the purest sky
And the ground that’s all tangled with us.

I’m tangled with desires and needs,
Fighting till it bleeds,
For some reason I never learn,
What would I do without a sky in return?

When we’re hard to handle
No matter where we are,
There’ll always that shade of freedom on the pallet of our world
So untangle only to tangle again.
I’m tangled with my wants and dreams,
For what it seems
For some reason I never learn
What would I do without seeing the sky in return?

So I’ll dream all over
And loose more for sure
And even stronger I’ll do my best to win some more,
And I’ll learn to love the tangles for me.

I’m tangled with all smiles and hearts,
That’s where it all starts,
For some reason I never learn,
What would I do without a sky in return?”
*
From ‘Wonderer’:

When did I loose my voice?
Was it any chance by choice?
Someone should be able to find me,
Or am I entirely what you found in me?

Wonderer,
Once more it’s your day,
Try again to brush him away,
When will you get that the first time you were loved,
The first time one kissed you soft,
Is only really thoughts away.
And they’ll always stay.”
*
My friend is coming over now, so I’d better go. I can’t wait to get back to more writing..
Anyways, she’s already here, and I want to give her cuddles.
Toodles.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The creation of our day

I'm back after an internal journey.. lol that heading from yesterday made me laugh a little. It sounds like a movie series related to 'back to the future'.. the teen girl version!
I can be so dramatic sometimes!

My apologies if I got too dramatic and some people are worried about me.. I'm just trying to live like everybody else. We shouldn't take it at such high stakes all the time, you know.
A good movie (meaning a good life - as I explained in my post from yesterday that all movies are real life in some way or another and vice versa with life) must have it's peaks in the dramaturgy. There are several points of no return and a climax. Seeing or life is up to 100 years, and not the just the length of a 2 hour movie. . My GOSH, don't fret to accept the highs and lows.
Oh my, I can't even calculate how many climaxes and drops and stasis and points of no return that would be. .. like a LOT as you can imagine.
And if you really think through the reality of this calculation, no day of a whole 24 hours can stay in stasis. Sometimes we may wish that it .. but literally it can't. And you feel like you get nothing but stasis, try to open your eyes and embrace the dramaturgic development in your day.

The creator is way too clever to be ignored.

Friday, October 3, 2014

I'm back after an internal journey. ..

Yes, it has been almost 3 months since i last published a post on my blog. I have truly missed it. Reasons: 1.) I don't have a computer anymore, so typing a whole post in has been complicated 2.) I have been overwhelmed by things inside me and my circumstances that I haven't been able to share publicly 3.) The more days passed with no blog posts, the more resistance I had to finally begin.

But I am relieved to be back. . And really I do want to stay and share so much more. You deserve to hear everything, after all there's nothing to fear about the more layers this second year has brought. This could be a great story, very great.

I will try to start lightly. . But that's impossible really. .. to start off I'll give small hints of various days through these months; thoughts that should've turned into blog posts ages ago.

July 22
Dreams I dreamt the nights after he broke up with me:
1st night – My phone was blinking with a new whatsapp message from him, writing me that he was sorry for everything and that that was all that mattered
2nd night – I threw up at school for no reason at all. He had written me a long message twice during the day, explaining he missed me, but that I chose to let him go because I didn’t want to keep the contact. He said from a blue boble, wearing a creepy alien hat (in the girl’s bathroom) that we could have kept on talking and growing as friends, and now everything was my fault.
3rd night – I dreamt I was called back for the school’s musical anyway, and cast as a dancer in the show
4th night – I dreamt that I threw up in ballet class and later in performance lab, running out of class. He had written me a message on whatsapp saying that I had broken his heart, and that I was the first person who’d made him truly happy, now he didn’t know what to do with me.

I mean I dreamt this, but a nightmare even more, to realize that I’d almost just relived the past day over night again.

That’s the truth, always back and forth, in and out, yes and no, smile and cry.. that’s life. - What matters is that there is love through it all. Somehow that was what kept me from falling.

August 02
‘What rules my life these days’:
- Dolly Parton
- Celine Dion
- Once the musical
- Donna Lewis
- ‘The rhytmn of life’ book
- Our movie musical project that reminds me of Once in its beauty and profound themes
- Composing at least a song or a melodic theme a day
- Kali, the character from my reading of ‘A Lasting Impression’, who is so much like me and so big a part of me now
- Inspiring and awesome teachers who make me love being the career with them
- My beautiful friends who I share fun company with every day
- A special boy who loves me; I should be thankful just for that, despite all that’s happened…

Few hours before performing A Lasting Impression, my first lead role

My favorite room at school for composing

One of the last days of summer

Sunrise in the east village

August 13 (starting to seem like Anne Frank I know, but hope you get the idea)
Today was a very special day. I choreographed a sacred dance for the next worship meeting Sunday. It filled me with joy and made me fly.

Late afternoon, I was hanging out with my friend from school who I talked to about breaking barriers and allowing yourself to do your best by putting the best effort into the work.

We had such a confirming conversation and she thanked God that I was at nyfa to encourage and inspire like I do.

Today I felt so much like an independent artist who didn’t go by other people’s times and methods for my work. Throughout all my classes I had independent ideas, well acknowledged by my teachers, and I stepped up with confident work and evident effort.

I have been happy and seen how that confidence spreads joy and only brings positive energy. It’s the most relieving and selfless thing I’ve felt I ever did.

Later with the same friend, I sat with her song, which at that time was only scattered words on paper.. and we tried to compose it in the room, turning off the lights and listening to the core of the message. I asked her to talk about what this song meant to her and what she was trying to say, how she felt. And while she was speaking I played around on the piano. I asked for the color of her feeling and when she gave me a dark purple, I knew to look in the A-chords. Possibly an Ab-major. That’s how music is for me.. I see it in colors. The piano’s chords has a color each.. they aren’t that spelled out and simple for each chords, but I know where to look if I know I am looking for something specific.

And so in no time, we’d created something unique. We had her song. She had been longing to compose and finish a work in a long time, and since I had been composing 1-5 songs daily this past week, she asked for guidance.

- Gladly, it kept flowing out of me.. and still did for weeks. I ended up composing 35 brand new and great heart felt songs in a few weeks only.

If only that had lasted. Nothing lasts, so I am waiting for something new to begin. I don’t feel as inspired and at ease when I am at the piano. But maybe a whole new style will come from that, who knows. .. for now, I am just working on getting the eagerness to storytell my soul back in track where it is best.

Today
On the train ride home -
A picture of my little sister made my day. It is now the background picture on my phone. I love her so much and she looks so beautiful and grown.

I see how much I miss when I’m not home, but on the other hand, I guess they do too; miss my growth here.
Would they be able to recognize me if they met me now?
Would the same jokes work around the dinner table?
Would they be as eager or too grown for sibling cuddles?

At night – ….. Just to wrap up this big hair ball of sentiments and questions in me, and turn it into a pretty blog post, instead of letting it affect my voice, ruin my body, and slowly choke me to death..

This has been the most relaxing thing for me for about a week. Some nights I’ve slept no hours, others one, up to five.. sometimes eight, but never fully rested like I do now in this moment. Like I can now.

Because I’m telling myself that I’m worthy of the rest, and I’m giving myself the time to do so.

As children you never need to find and set aside time to rest and recharge.. your body just knows how to do that automatically at night when you’re sleeping, when your parents tell you to go to bed.. and when you for some reason haven’t obeyed your parents, or it’s Christmas eve or something major like that; the body is only hyper and excited to stay awake.

When you go on holiday as a child, this is the time you can enjoy to fully explore and play like you can’t the rest of the year. You want to try everything, see all new things, play all new games, have fun with new people.

As an adult we don’t get as much holiday.. but when you do it’s mostly because you’ve been forced by yourself or someone else to take time off to recharge. Giving yourself time to breathe and feel your core again, so you don’t break don’t from stress or something else.

Rest is the key to happiness. It’s the ever greastest value. You don’t really fully realize that until long after childhood… and the way I see it, I think the moment I fully became an adult, is when I realized the value of this, and acknowledged taking time for yourself as being the key of my life.

I always drive way too fast, and I punish myself if I don’t get all the things done on my way. I expect to go double tempo, whilst doing double the work. And I fail if I don’t manage this. If I break down because I didn’t give myself time to recharge on the way; that’s even worse.

- But today I need that rest and find peace. And I need, for the first time in months and months and months… I NEED to publish this blog tonight.
It’s so important to me.

Today I got a comment from a stranger on my blog: ”Whoa this is an amazing read, your life is like a movie!”

.. Really? I think I just write as a movie… everyone’s life is a movie. All movies come from real life. In some way or another movies have come from real life. No one just makes up stories like that, without having heard/experienced/touched them in some way personally. You cant’ just make up human connection. That’s some magic power that I’ll never understand; the way our lives are tangled together. The things we desire, the dreams we are able to capture.. it’s all there in everyone’s hearts. Some of us have just been born with the talent of putting words to this..
.. and really the truth is – and I really don’t know how many writers are brave enough to acknowledge this - .. the more words we write down, the less we seem to understand.

Knowledge is power.
But it also opens up honesty…
And ignorance becomes confusion.
- “I think he likes me, so I’ll keep dreaming about it and see if he turns out to be my prince” becomes “it’s complicated, life is not a fairy tale”.

A lot of strangers have also asked if I am still seeing the boy from L.A.
Long silence

It’s complicated.

Long silence

No ofcourse we’re not together. Life is not that easy.

…
But on the other hand; we kind of are.

- The hurt isn’t fair when you’re so young. There’s no need to carry extra burdens, if you can’t agree.
…. You don’t need to act like a married couple until you actually get married. Mistakes in between are ok, and nothing is perfect. And bless my soul, I do hope mistakes are forgiven in a marriage too!
.. but see this whole not committed thing sounds silly for me to put words to, knowing that we both want to marry each other one day anyway.

So on the other hand; yes, of course we’re still together. There is still love.

And to be honest with everyone – don’t ever fear of losing love, thinking love can be lost is just selfish and stupid. Once love is found, you’ll never lose the meaning of it. You’ll never lose the memories. And no matter how much you try to surpress, push away or change those feelings into something else.. you can’t, they won’t …

There’ll always be that little treasure box inside your heart. Only the two of you will ever have the key to that box. Once you share something with someone that can never be taken away or forgotten. That goes to family and friendship too. Whether they break or not, that treasure box will stay with you. That’s what’s beautiful about life. No one can stay with you forever anyway.

Your best friend from high school may grow into someone else you don’t recognize, whether she meant to or not.
One of your brother may go into war and not live through that.
Your wife after 60 years of marriage may die before you.

Is the loss and the pain easier when it’s by choice, or when it’s not?

.. No need to complicate it.. we can’t do anything about loss.
No matter how much we protect the love that we have in the moment.
No matter how deeply we believe in fairy tales.
No matter how closed up we keep our hearts to prevent us from getting hurt.
- We still feel it. Loss will happen.

The older you get, the more bruises you have in your heart. And the braver it becomes, the bigger the stronger.. if you let it.

And as you get older, you start to understand the meaning of miracles, and you will discover that love can do anything.

So, really.. isn’t this both melancholic and beautiful in so many ways?
But you can choose to let the things storming at you come as rocks thrown into a punching bag, or as lucky coins thrown into a fountain.
They both leave their mark. Some come and go.

But are you the punching bag that aggressively let the wounds grow, while you kick every stone back?

Or are you a pond, clear and transparent – like perfectness – that lets the bronze of the coins color the water over time, till it’s no way near as clear as it ever was, and ever will be again.. but now filled with many flavors and layers?

There is really nothing to do about it, is there?

For 20 years I’ve tried to do the best of the best, meet the best of the best and be the best of the best.
- But we don’t know what the best things for us to do are; till we’ve passed them and can see how we’ve grown and what we’ve taken from them. Till we learn to embrace the unexpected.

There is no such thing as the best of YOU. I’d better get rid of that immediately. The best of you is who you are today. You can’t live up – ever – to who you want to be in 5 years. You can’t try to hold on to what you looked like a year ago.

There is this magic presence that happens in your body and radiates in a room full of people; when you can rely and trust and accept the truth in the moment, and be just YOU.

You never know who will be the best people for us. My dearest friend right now has shown me a level of friendship I thought I’d never find. Someone I despised, feared and almost got expelled by from school, long ago.

I thought there were evil people. I thought some people’s hearts were mad eof stone, and that some just didn’t care. But as I got to learn what these people cared about and that they had been strict with me to push my boundaries and to helo me run towards my goal, not slow walk, - that’s when I realized that there are no evil people.

Everyone want s the best for everyone. Maybe people don’t want to let it be an integrated part of their actions and words. But everyone sane and human being on this earth hungers for themselves and everyone else to be happy and in peace with each other.

And as for the people who have influenced me the most; I have two layers.

There’s the layer of the souls that are unremovable from my soul; the friends who have made me who I am because I’ve grown up with them. Family members who know me for I am.

And then there’s a layer of those angelic moments in my life where heavenly sent messengers of this earth gave me a word or a touch or a smile that changed me, that helped me save myself in some situations, helped me become wiser. That unexpected person that gives you a moment – minutes/hours/months/a few years of precious friendship.

I hang on to all of them dear in my heart. But as I look back on all those people; what they’ve done for me.
I try to hang on to myself. Do things for myself along the way too.

.. Like buy myself flowers on an unbirthday, eat dessert before my dinner every now and then, sleep in on some weekends, find a new artist that speaks the music I specifically need to hear every new month, take a bubble bath, sing through Christine’s songs from Phantom of the Opera when I have a day feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere in musical theatre, free write, take a yoga class, pick a random psalm to read, sit in nature until I feel connected with it, and when I don’t forget to remember what should always bring me back to my core, I speak out loud to myself, or as a whisper in my heart, ‘My Promise to fly’. A statement I wrote in the beginning of the school year. It goes like this:

“I have many reason to fly and not drown,
I have a unique talent and a story no-one else can tell,
I grow in leaps and bounds, not steps.
I inspire and fascinate people with my devotion.
I will never forget that I have the ability to even surprise myself.
I will never forget that I have the ability to touch all the strings of a heart.
When I forget my purpose I will remember that this is someone else’s dream too.
I am a role model for my family and I have all their support.
I will not be scared or say I’m worth any less than this.
Never shall I punish myself, I have no reason to be frustrated or lose hope.
It’s about storytelling, being truthful and touching hearts.
There’s always a great story to tell.- Especially today.”

And with that, I close in for the day. Tomorrow I will give you a list of highlights of the things that have been happening over this past semester.

Be blessed.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Grace

My teacher was surprised at seeing me in a summer dress, claiming that autumn was around the corner... but I feel summer at it's peak now.
Happiness, energy and rebirth is overflowing around me. I see it in church now, at school and on the streets of New York.

This Sunday we were once again talking about our number 10: an encouragement to share faith and testimonies with at least 10 people. I have them, I just know to work more on the relationships: Susan, frenie, mom, dad, Juanita, Josephine, Jessica, Stephania, Armando, kayleen.

Today we talked about how we can be a living testimony. My favorite worship song at the moment, an old one I know, is ' shout to the Lord'. It's such a celebration!

I have found my favorite word for the moment now. Grace. It makes most sense to me this month.
- and as if God was agreeing with me on that, the songsters at Hempstead today sang, "I can't believe your grace included me". Now for me I think of how I am at grace specifically, not the grace God shows in my life. . But in reality it's the same thing! Any grace is heaven sent.

The word means everything to me these days; looking at the world through graceful eyes (what is offered and what we can give of grace in return) and being graceful in our ways; acts and thoughts. This is the most meaningful way of living to me.

When I choose grace i am healed from anything, I have no anger or much fear, and I am at a place of calmness.

whenever I remind myself of this way of seeing the world, - When you're hurt or go through obstacles; through this approach I choose to be truthful about my struggles and honest about my feelings and what things and what pace I need in my life this moment.
I choose to live truthfully and be graceful about anything that comes.

A new friend helped me see this, a quite unexpected person for me. But I believe that God sent her for that one moment I needed to hear the words of grace - in a way such expressed that I finally understood the full meaning of it and how to pursue it for myself in life.

As the last thing for this post I want to share is what major Phil ended his message by saying; that the way we present ourselves is the way I present Christ. .. see for he made me, he is my father, so whatever I do and however I act tells people about my father.
-i want to present him best. I want to feel close to him and hear him say, "you shared me well today and you made me proud"
♡

Have a graceful week!

Saturday, July 26, 2014

First blog in a month; opening up to my second year in NYC

So.. first blog in about a month, huh? Truth is, I think I’ve just been so full of things in my life, there have been so many things. I’ve seen so many new things. Now, looking back perhaps I can better grasp the whole idea. Therefore this blog will be like a short memoir or resume about how my life change in the summer of 2014. I know I have an issue of writing too long posts every time I go on to blog, so you can imagine that covering the past month in the same style would almost be like a full novel.

I wish to just give you a sense of what’s happened in my world; how I’ve grown, what I’ve seen and how I’m doing now in school, and what is still ahead of me.

Yes.. these few lines, I admit, has taken me more than a month to jot down.. which is why I’m recording them on my phone as a voice message draft on my way to school this morning.

Probably my intention with this anyway was to start the big post, knowing that I could only ever get few paragraphs into this story before I have to go to class in few minutes… - smart!

But having begun this project, it probably means that I will finish it in my 3 hour break today. And to be honest I can’t wait sharing my past month with you. I have missed blogging, but I started writing a novel (which I’m already 10 chapters into), so that’s the writing that kept me busy over the summer break.

If I finish it, it could be a hit, I think…. Just like my blog, so I hope… which is WHY I have to keep on writing on it!.. I’ve only just begun my second year of school. And OH MAN how much I’ve already seen and grown this past year. I have filled to the top emotionally, and from this summer on I began to truly see how all those emotions came together and became inhabited in me more than a flutter of emotional bombs in all kinds of levels and genres. Now, after a year, I begin to understand who I am and what my purpose is in this city…. BEGIN ;)

I can’t wait to see what this year brings. I already know that it has brought much anticipation and butterflies for the adventures ahead. Now, as I just stepped through the doors of my school, I saw myself in the mirror and realized how brighter, braver and stronger a person I look. Yes… it’s probably just an exaggeration, since I saw my face in the mirror just yesterday.. but for the first time I saw myself in the mirror as a 2^nd year student, and I am truly proud of what I see.

So here we are.. walking up the stairs to the 4^th floor.. because that’s a new habit of mine, that I do not wish to break. This summer I’ve been putting on weight.. I mean it’s normal for summer time, I’ve not been exercises as much as I should, and also I’ve started the new way of life which goes about just eating what I freakin’ want! Honestly!... So I mean that’s both good and bad of course, but mostly it takes about half of my stress away. So in the end my new motto is NOT TO WORRY. Part of that is doing things that make you happy – I have been spending more time socializing and seeing the city, I finally figured that I’ll grow as an artist 10 times faster in that way! Also.. eating what I want – because eating truly makes me very happy. I believe food was one of the best things God created. Wonderful, truly!

So.. I don’t wanna go through a life time feeling like I can’t set my joys on that part of God’s creation. Opening the doors to the school.. heading to jazz class. Yes, I truly am exhausted from walking up the stairs, which I probably wouldn’t be if I hadn’t had peanut butter and granola from breakfast. .. anyways I’m happy, everyone else around me is happy. And today we’re gonna work on a jazz choreography from Chicago the movie, The cell block tango, that my teacher Deidre Goodwin was in! AMAZING.

So yes, I am also opening my eyes to what an incredibly amazing and inspiring place this is. With a school full of teachers that can open millions of doors for me.

Ok, deep breath, enjoy the day, peace. Truth is, actually I don’t really need that deep breath that I needed before.. the one I sent up to God that prayed silently for me to just get through the day without criticizing myself too much or worrying too much in general. That deep breath that would ensure me to get through the day, is today a deep breath that ensures me that I fully embrace all the wonderful things around me. It allows me to take a second to really think about how blessed I am and what experience it is to be here. You have NO IDEA how easy life is in this career when you can learn to just LET GO of your own criticism and worries. Man it is just soo easy when you don’t put such a weight on your shoulders or allow others to do so. That’s my statement of the day. Amen to that.

My new ballet clothes for this semester

My blog has been too quiet, yes, I know..

Actually what I felt was that so many things happened in my life that I could not put words to. And also for the first time in a really really long time I have.. not felt alone. I have had that person who makes me whole, and I’ve quite randomly made friends (really close friends for life) that have started being a big part of me.. funny actually exactly those people were ones I never imagined even having a conversation with, people who I used to be so far away from or dislike or be annoyed by. School people, outside school..

I have friends now that I get my energy from. I don’t recharge on my own anymore. I get it from people. I recharge from hearing from the boy who loves me.. yes there is one now; I found my man. And that’s probably the biggest story I need to share with you, certainly the one that changed me for good this summer.

Second of all, I recharge from friends that I finally feel understand me. People who I’ve been through thick and thin with, who I finally realize have made me who I am this year, and me to them too. So yeah.. it’s been quite a ride..

Cristina my best friend at school this year;

used to hate her, but she knows.

Now we share, laugh, recharge and compose together.

You know what.. I finally feel at home here. I always say home is where the heart is, and I still think that. Truly, I don’t believe that a person can go by one day (happy) without feeling somewhat at home someplace.

However, feeling at home is one thing, feeling like you belong is another.. .feeling that you’re that deeply integrated into a place.. something that makes you inseparable from them. Places around you that you now recognize too well, because it’s integrated in your past.. you don’t just see places for the first time so much anymore.. you see places and immediately see what you were doing there and with who. So yes, I do finally feel at home in New York city.. and you know what.. thank God to this place, and his wondrous plans.. NY is the first place I have felt such at home in in such a short period of time.

In Malawi it took me 2 years to properly feel like I was inseparable from the place.. but here I’m already starting to feel like what it would feel like to leave. I’m starting to know that there are people and places that have my name engraved in them. I’m a part of the church, my school and many people’s hearts, even the art in NYC. I belong here.. and I finally understand that I’m not a lost person just walking around.. I guess I’m still learning and trying to understand the pulse of the city… but now I believe I can say I’m a true New Yorker. It’s my home without a doubt. It gives me such a warm, and at the same time melancholic feeling.. because at the same time I miss people all around the world, I miss my family in different parts of Europe.. I have never once been homesick while I was here, but I am for the first time missing them horribly.. just wanting to sit around the table with them, being us once more, just bonding and sharing our lives together. I miss my boyfriend who lives in Los Angeles. As much as I’m strong and brave, knowing our love can hold the distance, I’m not lying when I say that I do feel unwhole being here without him. I finally found my better half who loves me for who I am, and he’s on the other side of the country. And not being able to wake up seeing the faces every day, holding them, being acknowledged every day like that by the ones you love most is like a hole in the stomach.

But already now I see how much I’ve grown, how much of an adult I’ve become. Having to deal with these things are not easy, but they are life.. and I think I became an adult the instant I decided to deal with those complicated things in life; I said yes to fighting for my love – I didn’t leave California reminded of a silly summer romance; I left having acknowledged fully in my heart that this was my man.. and I had the duty and responsibility to fight for every bit of it, even though it’s not the perfect way it could have been.

However, I have become and adult, I think, from realizing that the perfect – meant to be things - for us in life really are so far from what we imagined.. Those most perfect moments are the imperfect ones.

You have been blessed with things that make you happy in the most imperfect and complicated way.. but learning to embrace them and how to keep them is what makes life perfect. What I love about this life is that no one has my story, no one is exactly like me, no one has me and Armando’s story. So yes, I am proud.. I hope that many of you are proud.. at least you, mom and dad ;)

Yes, I have really grown up.. I’m not a child anymore.. I never was for a really long time, but now I really think that I’ve topped all my points of no return as a child. But I will do my best to embrace and emphasize the spontaneous and childish spirit in me.. I bet your bottom dollar that will never get lost! I will be spontaneous till I’m 92.. but you know what.. I’m now able to stand in the middle of NYC, looking at people bewildered on the street, - remembering how I once looking like them… I now stand here saying:

“Life is beautiful! I am not to worry. I should embrace every second of it, because we never know what lasts..” …and if they do – what really lasts in our memory, are the things that we make count – the moments that we don’t think are worth every other moment of every single day. So I stand here now, on 14^th street looking at the sunset and crazy taxi drivers lines up all the way down the street.

I feel hole with myself, and you know what – you know how I felt whole? – by touching other people’s lives, by making an impact in other people’s lives… by finally understanding things about the world around me, finally seeing the greatest city in the world. Finally taking time to be social and just BEING with people, and having real moments with people.. not just spending time to look at myself.. because truth is I find myself 2 times faster when I grow through people and the world, than trying to grow myself just as full as all those people.

This summer I had only taken 2 semesters. And now, I will go write my heart out, composing at the piano, and the corps in front of me. I will see my best friend here, and I will rest for the night…. I will remember to breathe and to smile and then to the most important thing… ; I will remember to post this blog!!

My street! !4th and 13th, showing the memorial tower

around my school area at the end of the road.

My view from my room

My new cozy candle

I’ve come to realize that my blog is like therapy for me. So, to be honest I had a long time of my life where I felt like I didn’t need to blog. See, everything in life filled me to the most and so much more till I was overflowing.. people experiences.. but see, life can’t do that for you always. Life can’t take care of you always. You have to clean out your vase every now and then and prepare, and be open and ready for life’s experiences to fill you.

So I think it’s really important to take a step back every now and then, to clean that vase… and fyi that’s literally what I plan to do tonight; I have two vases, the first I now use as a candle decoration, the second I used for a bouquet of flowers a few weeks ago.. the bouquet which I had to throw out a few days ago.. and I still haven’t cleaned out the vase from it.

Perhaps that’s the first step for me. Speaking of home in NYC… I’m so thankful that whenever I need to do this; step back and think a bit about my life and goals, needs and what I can offer to the world, - not just what I can be filled with.. I am so grateful that I am now in a city that supports that, because this city is now my home. It’s not a place where I feel foreign or where I need to find myself, my right and my place first.. I am walking down 14^th street. I’m going to Frenie’s apartment to sleepover and to spend the evening and talk and perhaps get to do more spontaneous things.. as our plan has been for this July month.

She’s my best friend in this big city at the moment. And the healthiest company for me, because she’s the exact opposite, so we challenge each other every day.

Frenie reading in my room

I went to Sephora to help her find the right colors of makeup for her, and she got me this powerful red, almost blood-covered lipstick. I have it now to wear every day… it’s my look in the performing arts. Everyone is looking at me on the street, I really don’t know why..

I’m standing in front of the corps. I plan to compose a bit. .or just sit.. I’ve been given the key to the corps so that I can go in and play or dance whenever. Just what I need!

I can’t believe it, it’s only Saturday evening and I’ve already done all my homework.. including preparing for 2 callbacks for our school’s summer readings.

It’s weird to have all this free time.. but I do think this is God’s way of giving me his precious time, to help me sit back and embrace my surroundings more, and not stress so much about my art and future.

The park next to my school, not bad place to hang out in breaks!

I only discovered this area this second year of school..

This past month, I’ve left my home to go at least one new place every day. I’ve been spontaneous and even not done things on my own premises every day. I’m becoming more and more of an ‘outrovert’ person, which I funnily enough believe I have been called by people here for a long time.. however, it’s something I have been working on a lot ever since I wanted to perform on stage.

What’s interesting for me is to have acknowledged is that I’m more and more becoming a person who recharges with other people and not on my own. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been alone and the kind of girl who recharges at home alone .. with music, a stroll in the park, or watching some of my favorite movies by myself.. I don’t know if it’s because I have been like that for 20 years.. but I think I have made a good habit of letting people become a part of my everyday life. I have been a very persistent one-man driver for the most part fo my life, and on the way I found that I was losing contact with friends or have other opportunities on the way, just because I didn’t have time to stop and embrace communities along the way.

I see a woman with a big suitcase, and it reminds me of Josephine who has been one of my best friends this past year in NYC. I said goodbye to her today, she is departing to Denmark tomorrow. I had that melancholy feeling of saying goodbye. I haven’t had to say goodbye to someone dear since I myself left for NY. For the first time I was the girl outside my homecountry who had to say goodbye to someone going back home.. I’m always the one who has to say goodbye to homes, not people.

Funny; with real friendships I’ve noticed – ever since I started moving so much around the world – it can take a very few days to get good days, it can take several months maybe to have friends that you share yourself with on a deeper level, and it takes about a year to be inseperable.

I think from maybe just a month ago Josephine began to be an inseparable friend of mine, who had become such a big part of my life here.

Josephine and I on our last day together

Today it made me think about the time I have to leave.. when or to where, or how. I don’t know.. but I was reminded of that weird, hollow feeling in your stomach when you leave to some place new or go home.. it’s a weird melancholic feeling of pushing your bravery miles and miles and miles ahead of where your truly stand.. truth is .. your new level of bravery becomes as big as the step you just took. That’s why you become so brave from having moved.. even braver when you made the choice yourself. It’s like choosing to jump in the water with your eyes closed and everything is on the decision you made.

… But I think that nothing can could really stand in my way. What’s beginning to ache in my heart though is that as I’m becoming older I create more meaningful relationships with the people around me.. and suddenly you don’t just have spontaneous friends all over the world that you are happy to have so you can go on adventures/holidays and not have to pay for a hotel anywhere in the world.. but you actually start to create personal relationships that makes it hard to be spontaneous and have a random pick on the world map.. if that’s the kind of travel/living your heart desires. I hope I never lose my spontaneity, and I dream of living in Brazil and Rome and visit Israel, Madagascar and Tibet.. and my musical theatre world even has several capitals, and I’d like to be spontaneous and just go wherever the job takes me.. I WILL be, I promise myself that.. but I just realize that it becomes more and more difficult because you suddenly have strings attached to your heart.. the longer you stretch those strings, the more they ache.. but all the strings of my heart are strong enough.. I know at least one far place where there is one attached; all the way up to heaven, and that comforts me, truly.. knowing I could do that, by choice or not, it means I can do any distance on earth.

Waking up early to see the sun rise.

Very priceless.

I’ve come to notice that it’s sometimes good to sit down and just give yourself a minute.. or an hour or two maybe half a day even. Just sit with yourself and ask yourself. What do I want.. what is it I REALLY want?

New art for my room!

The corps on 14th street, one of my favorite places for peace

and a good rehearsal for dance or composing too!

Picture on first school day for my second year!

Monday morning.. probably about a week after I first started wanting to publish this post.. but I do really promise to write more on my blog tonight. I have a callback to prepare for, but I do need to connect with you all again. Connecting with people strengthens your character and helps you stand up. Therefore, I pray and thank God for another beautiful day. For making me wake up healthy and happy. But most of all thank you for creating us beautifully, and for thinking we are beautiful.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
- We just have to trust that God has a beautiful plan for us.