9 roles in a day

At last, I let out the stress and pressure.
What I had expected to be doing on the first day of my Christmas break.. but which I never found an appropriate time and bed for.. to collapse on and just sigh like it's no-one's business!

After my final exam, I at last felt that hugggge exorstion that every other normal human being would feel after working hard a full semester, without a break.

I performed parts of 7 songs in 10 minutes. 7 completely different characters, circumstances, time periods..

I lost my words for one song.. just because.. it happens. But I got to redo it again, and I did it perfectly the second time.
We were given up to 5 points for each of the songs - about the musical understanding of the song, different layers of preperation for the character and the singing style according to the time period.
Kristy Cates gave me 5 out of 5 for every song, except the pop opera song, because I need more of a cry-sound in my singing style.
So 34/35.. A or A+, she didn't tell me in the room.. but she told me that I she was really pleased with my work this semester and thanked me for that.
Which was really

After this, I was obviously very tired. Exhausted.
And after THIS is when I just let myself go home and let out ALL the stress and pressure from this semester.

*

You know what really just brings me in a bad mood? - Rats that run across the street, right by my feet.

After today, I am just beyond exhausted.. I have been in and out of 9 different roles today, performing for an audience or a final grade.

Walking through the streets at night.
I just came out of a Shakespeare performance class, where I sang On my own.
- And now it's pitch black, and raining, and I am walking all alone.. and today I do kinda feel like I don't have a friend or face to say hello to.

I need to talk to a friend.
But it's just one of those days when you don't know who to turn to.
. . you get what I'm saying?
- Even though you know there are friends you can turn to.. you sometimes think - no I don't feel like sharing this with her, because she would probably make me feel bad, the other she would judge me, the other she would be too sweet and not know how to support, the other she wouldn't understand what I am going through?
Right. You've felt like that at some point, haven't you?..

...................................
...................................................
............................................................... I am just really exhausted
and 
with that comes
sadness
..................................there's a never-ending pressure
And I'm just trying to figure out how to make it through the next semester
. which will be twice as hard.
Maybe not getting through it... because I will be stronger.
BUT
I will always meet higher standards... by teachers
and 
myself.

I am sad because I feel like I always know I can do better.
But I just can't. Because there is work to do for every class, I can't just focus on one.
And when I see people growing in front of me.. I get scared that my best as of now isn't good enough

...
When I think this through, I just need a hand to hold. But someone who will not think it's weird that all this pressure makes me cry for a full day. and someone who doesn't make me feel humiliated or filled with self-pity.
Someone who doesn't ask too much, but just hugs me and says "I understand. Just cry it out.".

.. Then I think.. I could talk to God!..

But what I hate is that sometimes I feel to worn out and little and displeasing to communicate with him.
I feel like I need to clean up myself, before giving him the joyful treasure of letting him in.
*
I just thought I had a whole week off between 1st and 2nd semester. Turns out.. I have two days.
- To gather energy and reload everything in my system
- to buy tap shoes and find new books perhaps
- to get to know my schedule and plan my weeks ahead
- to stretch and be fully prepared for now around 5 or 6 lessons of dancing each week
- to collect my repertoire folder for new performance classes.

- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!*
- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!* number 2
- to *I'm not even sure what we need to have ready yet!* number 3
- just to recharge and give myself time to relax.

Yes - I just had a 2 week break.
But then came all my finals and showcase ;)

*

Sometimes pain on the inside is easier felt, when there is pain on the outside. ..I mean obviously when the inside is very painful, it is felt on the outside too.
But just after watching a Shakespeare movie and finishing that assignment, I was boiling water on my little kettle in the tiny room. I was so tired, almost half asleep - yet while it was boiling I did some ballet exercises for the day. And just being so flustered - because I was tired, I put my hand right above the kettle to open the lid, and didn't think about how burning hot the steam is just when the water had boiled.
So - I got a burn that left a huge scar on my wrist, only a couple of seconds after.
And then I started to cry again. Just because I felt the pain - all the pressure that had filled my chest that day exploded like a bomb for the third time.

The second time being when my neighbor knocked on my door unexpectedly and asked me how my day was, and I just burst into tears..

I need rest.
Please don't all call tomorrow and wake me at 7 am. If you wanna hear my voice, remember the time difference.. and this is my first more than 5 hour sleep in a long time!
But I love you.

A Journey ('to the past') ..ahead

When I came out of the subway this morning, it was pouring cats and dogs over the city. I wish I'd brought my umbrella.. but then again it was refreshing. Rain is a new beginning.
- Just like we spoke about the snow as being cleansing yesterday in church.. rain wipes away the old layer. It's a new beginning - used as a symbol in the film world anyway.. but since I go to a film school, that's what I'll use for this blog post. ;)

*

When I got out of the elevator, walking into the floor of my school, there were film lamps as the only thing lighting up the floor. The whole electricity was for some reason off.

Seeing the other floors that people got off on, from standing in the elevator going up to the 4th floor, all other floors were pitch black - but people still had to get off on the floor for work.. for a day in the darkness?

Maybe it means that they can be excused for the day when the sun goes down in a bit... meaning between 4-5. Late in the afternoon, but not for Americans ;) They work work work (like me!) till like 6 or maybe 9 on all weekdays.

- No us 'film dudes' we have the light under control;) White lamps with strong spots, run by battery, shined in either direction of each room.
.. just except for the bathroom..! yes today I went to potty in darkness, for the first time in my light. Gotta try it at some point in your life..!

Therefore, getting off the elevator to my school this morning was a new experience. It was kind of mysterious and secret and intimidating and all at the same time.
And this made me think that coming back from a long holiday (!? .. or not long enough!?), it sure is like a new beginning.
But ALSO that even though I don't see my school in a new way every single day, like I did today... but I should.

Every day is new, with new opportunities. So why not focus on these new things that we can grab on to every single day, and not the things that look the same - just because it's the same place.

.. Funny I was about to delete this whole paragraph about taking each day as a new beginning.. just because I felt it was my writer's skills rambling away. It just sounded good. You know what I mean?
I wanted to delete it, because I think it isn't completely truthful to what I feel right now.
I mean, I agree.

I am just saying.. it's not like I'm a whole new person from today. IT takes WORK to live every day as a new beginning.

But I do believe - from copying this through my fingers.. and in any other way, while I was thinking it.. I must have felt it somewhere in my subconsciousness, I must have meant it;)

*

We had our final exams today in Performance lab. I sang In my life from Les Miserables and Journey to the past from Anastasia.

First one went great, I was really engaged, even though I didn't find my ligid placement perfectly (Cosette is the one character in Les Mis who has more classical sound to her singing).

The first 2 verses of Journey to the past went really well, then something unfortunate happened.. like I inhaled down the wrong pipe.. I swallowed a dust ball... I was short of water.. something.. and I felt this extreme scratchiness in my throat - like you sometimes do when you get a cough attack. But since this was like an audition, I kept on singing, trying not to pay attention to it.. but I was on the edge to cracking the whole time, and I had to attend the notes really easily not to.. which was 'uninteresting' for the last bit of Journey to the past. I fell out of it totally, emotionally, and I was almost about to stop the song, saying - Sorry, there is something wrong with my voice, I'd better stop not to damage it.. but then I reached the end, and then it was over.

..Which was such a shame, because I love the journey of this song. I love how perfectly this song fits to me right now. Our assignment for this final exam was to choose two contrasting songs that showed us off best and showed what we have learnt all through the semester.

Anyways, had this been 2 years ago i would have cried from being so disappointed in myself - from not being able to show my best off. But that's the one point I've worked most with in my art, ever since I started in this career - not to judge myself so hard .. in fact NEVER to judge myself

Because

You are your own best friend. That's just how it is. If there is one person on earth you can rely on, it is yourself;) Other people can always judge you.. and in this world you will have more of them than compliments.. so why not ALWAYS compliment yourself, cheer yourself, give yourself a pat on the shoulder, and love yourself?;)

That's the only way to survive in the artistic world anyways, being egoistic - in the good way.
Being egoistic with love and positiveness to shine yourself out so that people love you for being that confident person.. not a negative egoistic that makes herself big to destroy other people, letting no one else have a word.

*

Back to the finals.

I chose In my life, because I have really explored in characters like Cosette - unlike Eponine types, and I think I have come very far with them (even though I still think I'm more of an Eponine). I also wanted to show off my classical sound in In my life, because that is something I have developed a lot.

I chose Journey to the past because what the story of the song is exactly what I've learnt all through this semester. What the lyrics say come straight from my heart, so I felt it was important for me to sing this.

Random interruption: Terra Warman, my class mate, is looking over my shoulder and she says hi ;)

But funny fact - when they gave me the notes, they said they hadn't noticed something was wrong - they saw me engage less in that song, but couldn't hear any faults in my voice.. until I started coughing after the song.. that says a lot about how much stronger we always feel things inside. Usually people don't see our faults, it is just our own judgement that makes is worse!
But then I sang through Journey to the past later on again, because they wanted to go through our showcase songs.

Even funnier fact - when I sang through it again it went really well.
I really improved and took their notes really well. They were very pleased and it made me happy. It also made me happy being able to make good out of what was a less good experience with it, in front of an audience.. before having to perform it at the showcase, next week Friday.
I wish you could be here!
.. But I should get some support :) People from the NY temple will join, maybe some family from Washington and maybe some of the Wittenbergs. It will be good.
But I am verrryy nervous.

*

I also have a performance of Shakespeare this Friday at 7:30. I will be playing Viola from Twelfth night acting a monologue and singing On my own.

I went through it today in class, and it went extremely well. Basically today I really connected in all of my classes. It's the greatest feeling for an artist. ;)

In meisner class we had to do an exercise called 'Coming home to be home'. This ws a simple - but very deep and beautiful exercise where we had to enter the room with a certain feeling, and just dealing with it in the room. We didn't have to start an exercize or do ANYTHING. Just BE and live with this emotion that we'd prepped outside.

We should choose a direction - something that made us happy, sad, mad, scared, lustful.
I chose a happy thought. And from taking something that could happen in our real circumstances, we then had to put extra layers on top of that and make a fantasy out of the first simple thing.

When I entered the room my eyes were shining like diamonds and I couldn't help smiling.
My teacher let me sit for that for a couple of minutes, before he sent my partner up to me. She said "You look so happy". repetition - etc.....
"I am so relieved"... (...)... "I can't believe it.".. etc.

When my teacher stopped us he said:
1.) Imagine that this was a a scene where a young woman has just got a big promotion in Wallmart. Now she can feed her two kids, who have no dad, every day till they are full and happy. She can move into a less crappy apartment, that isn't in a dodgy area of town, where she feels safe.
- Would you believe it?
YES! - my class mates said.

2.) Imagine that this is a girl who has dedicated her whole life to playing music. She plays the cello and one day she has been given the opportunity to play for the best cellist in the world.. and he says that she must never stop playing, because she has real talent, and if she needs the support, he is willing to help her get into the best classical music school.
- Would you believe it?
YES! - my class mates said.

3.) Imagine that this is a woman who has just walked into a bar, and a multimillionaire chats her up during the evening, and they both fall in love with each other in no time. By the end of the evening he proposes to her, and she says yes.
- Would you believe her?
YES! - my class mates said.

The point my teacher was making, obviously, is that emotions are found in every single story. Nobody in the audience could care less about what's going on in your head, while you're playing, if what you are truthful in the circumstances.
If you can't relate to a woman who works at Walmart (which is why I found it funny when he said it, because I really can't..) - if you can't relate to that, you sure can relate to feeling the happiest you've ever been.

That's why when we prepare for our scene, what we think 'our character is thinking' doesn't help. What helps is finding the way to relate to the story - exploring how we are touched by it. ALWAYS getting closer to your character and not distancing yourself from it.

Now, I gotta go study for my final exam tomorrow in history of musical theatre. It is very time consuming, because there are hundreds of terms we need to know.. and I have never been good with exact names and dates of events in my head.. on the other hand, when I study for it really well - it sticks in my brain like super glue, and I do really well on the exam ;) (then 5 days later it's gone...!)

Think of me.
X

The story of Detroit airport/returning home - day 2

I woke up at 3.. and I woke up again at 5. Someone was working on a roof all night. I got an early breakfast from Starbucks..around 5:30.

A middle aged lady was flirting loudly with an even older man right in front of me, while I was trying to read my one year bible.. distracting, and a little too early for that, I thought!?
I mean ..in my mind I was thinking I could flirt to the guy at Starbucks to get free drinks..since I would be staying at the same spot for possibly 30 hours.. surely he'd find mercy.. but I was only joking about that.
- Clearly other ladies go for that hobby to kill time, even though they just woke up, with their hair looking like dead bugs in a pile.

I keep interrupting my writing because I keep praying to get home. I won't dare to unfold my hands.. which makes it kind of difficult to type!

This morning I also had the opportunity to take a 'shower' the best I could in the bathroom.
Then I checked the boards for the flights to NYC.
- Last night all flights to NYC had been cancelled. 95% of all the cancels from this airport, I was told yesterday.
It should be fine in the morning, I thought yesterday.. but this morning I woke up to another board of cancelled flights to NYC. Only a few of them seemed to depart today. And I was afraid that the rest of them would be cancelled last minute, just like my original flight yesterday. Wait yesterday right?.. yes I am right, it was yesterday night. No. Afternoon. Early afternoon. Came to the airport around 2 pm. Got it.. as you can hear I am loosing my understanding of time;)
All that matters now is getting on a flight back home. That's how time gets by.. waiting for an open seat.

*

Funny.. I thought the story of Detroit airport would be longer today.. whispering "Please get me home!" about a hundred times, walking to gate A25 this morning, to try to get a seat for this morning's first flight to New York..
I was put on standby, and thought it meant standby for the day.. I'd already gotten a ticket for tonight at 9:30, so I thought that fact wouldn't give me an earlier flight.
.. but within 15 minutes I was given a boarding pass to this 7:15 flight.

It seemed kind of surreal, because I was prepared for the disappointment of not getting on any of the 4 flights this morning.. just dragging myself and my 2 heavy bags back to my homey spot by Starbucks, in the sofa.. preparing myself mentally to spend another 15 hours of waiting.

So many things I'd planned on my list 'What to do in the airport, to make time fly'.. like finishing my book. I won't have time for that when I get back. So I don't know when I'll ever finish it.
So ironic this seems now!
Getting home on an earlier flight is better than anything, of course.

- And in fact I was so overwhelmed by the whole blessing of this anecdote, that when I was about to take out my book to read, I decided I wasn't in the mood, because I just wanted to say how thankful I was over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again in my head.
All I felt like doing was sitting there in peace with my hands folded in my lap, just thanking God. I truly didn't understand what had happened, suddenly understanding how much a seat on a plane to NY was worth.. knowing the distance if there was no plane for me. But this anecdote was God's work, no doubt in that.
No doubt.
Just another proof of how amazing God works in our lives.
He keeps doing things that I didn't think would work out. I sometimes forget he's always there, and always wants the best for me.
Let me never take this for granted.

*

When I came back home I felt home sick for the first time (since the first day of my new adventure).
I guess I felt at home here in many ways. .. walking through Manhattan, I saw the beauty of so many things I forget to see during the busy weekdays.
And having been in the middle of nowhere all through the holiday, I was thankful to come home to the city - which is where I feel most at home, when I am not off to recharge.
It was good to be back.

But returning to my room felt so empty, and I got homesick because there was no one there. Eating in an almost empty dining room with no one I knew..
I got homesick, because I missed people. The people I love and who love me.
I miss you so much.

But after thinking and crying through most of the day, I came to realize something:

That I always hated the feeling of returning home, back in the apartment in Copenhagen with the 6 other members of my family. I LOVE being surrounded by my family again, the people I love & the people who love me. But HATE returning home from travelling out in the world.

I am not sure it makes sense to you? (I sometimes forget I have numerous readers.. and not just keep a private journal, where I pour out every word of my heart..)
What my feelings say is that I would hate coming home before, because I felt that I came back to the usual, safe nest - where nothing is new and everything seems predicted, because nothing is risked.

But coming home here - to Manhattan.. so many things are still new, everything is risked, nothing is safe, if I open my eyes for it NOTHING is the usual in NYC.
I AM 'out in the world', travelling and seeing new things.. that's what I wanted. That's what I missed before.

Ironically, now my heart is breaking because I miss the opposite. I miss returning to the safe people. The people who I love and the ones who love me, in a way that I felt back home.
- even more ironically I think God was trying to emphasize that for me, and remind me of how I was seeking the opposite & got the opposite! - because all through the Saturday it was almost as if all of my closest friends form the Markle residence were nowhere to be found.. my neighbor Jessica wasn't home, and the few other people who I thought I spoke well with before didn't seem to take notice of me. It was like no one cared I had returned. At all.

I can't have it all, I have realized. Even though I am homesick - I don't actually want to return home. Yeicks! not at all... I know what it would feel like to go back to the safe boarders of my life, being by the usual surroundings, instead of taking advantage of what else is found in the rest of the world. I don't want that.

Funny sometimes.. how things in life can seem ironic.. just so God can make a point.

I guess not having those people who love me unconditionally makes me seek people and just .. the world.. more.

And I believe that these are the type of things that make me stronger and braver in life.
.. I mean travelling to the other side of the world as 19 to find my heart's desire.. that's pretty big and brave, I think.
Not everyone would do that.
I know everyone from my class back home, with a total of 30, thought of me as being insanely brave for doing this. They said they couldn't do it..
For final prizes in our class, nominated by every student in the class, I won the prize as 'the fighter'. They all saw me as someone who works her ass ('scuse my french) off for reaching her goals, never giving up.
.. Well, of course!, I just replied to them. Why wouldn't anyone do that?

Some people don't. But I pray they will. I know that many in my network look up to me for that. Many in my family say.. "If you find something difficult, if you don't know how to work for something.. ask your sister/cousin/niece/granddaughter what she does."
That makes me proud. So proud, especially because I wouldn't place myself in that category.. hmm I don't know. I think you always think are less strong than you really are.

I sure do miss you back home.
But as you know I have never been able to settle in one home for long!
- Just know that in my heart you will always be there; it will always be the same people who are truly my home.

This irony of the homesickness makes it all seem a little less heavier, I must say.
It's funny.. I still look out of my window on 13th street not knowing what all of it in front of me is, not knowing what I want from it, not feeling at home completely.

*

.. So, maybe I lied a little. I said that I felt at home here.
When I was away on holiday with the Bartz family, one night I was asked.. "so Jasmin, if someone asks you where home is for you, what do you say?".
I honestly replied "Home is where there is love.
I have a home everywhere in the world I've been."

But at that point, I could just as well have said "What is home really?". I don't think I understand the term like that... why is it important for people to know where my home is, where I'm from?
I always want to say "My home is the world".. but when I've said it people have either laughed in my face, waiting for a 'serious' answer, or needed me to repeat it again, trying to understand my reply.

But
Home is where the heart is, as I've said earlier repeatedly. I think I'll just stick to that. 'Just';)
Maybe that why I struggle with the term at the moment.. because I'm not sure where my heart is, where God is leading me to be.

Just listen.
With the heart.
"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord" - This is what we sang this morning at the Sunday meeting :)

Bless you all

X

A song from the heart to you, Farmor

At my grandma's memorial bench, West side, Manhattan, Saturday at sunset:

"I miss you.
I miss feeling you with me. I did before, but then you said goodbye. Now you're just like a good memory. Memories that can never be relived again. It's the strangest thing ever.
I miss feeling your guidance.
I don't so much anymore - I just think about what you might say, myself.

I don't know what I want. Would you be disappointed if the dream doesn't go the way we wished for together? What would you say?
I think you would say.. keep on going, it'll eventually be easier. Fight for it.
I think you would be disappointed if I didn't.

But what if I found some place else, which turned out to be another dream?
Would you be disappointed, even though you had to accept my choice?
But what if that dream was a place where I was able to sing ..for myself and dance ..for you too?
What would you say?.. I think that then, you would understand the change of heart, with me.

*

I miss having someone who loves me like you did.
Sometimes I think I have it. But then in the end I don't. I see how far their love for me is from the love we had.

You can only really love someone as much as they love you, if you receive as much as they give in return, right?
.. or is it possible that someone can love you just from what they give to you?
Isn't giving just like receiving - and even better?

Did I give you as much as you gave me?
I don't think I did.
Did I love you more, than you loved me?
- no I don't think so.

I think that there is a love that I don't understand yet. One much grander. One you had to me.
And I think that just being in your life was enough and much more than I could ever wish to give.

I think that you loved me more than I love you.
I think you love me more than I love you.

... And that's a blessing to know.
Help me find it here on earth again, in someone new.
So that I can see that the love you taught me can be passed on, in your footsteps."

Sleeping in the airport for the first time in my life. (The story of a 26 hour extension of the earlier 3-hour layover!)

Looking out the window above Michigan area in the sky, and I see a winter wonderland as far as the eye stretches.

As I spoke with Jayne about in the car on our way to the airport, when she asked me what my favorite part of all the places we'd been to this holiday was, - this holiday has just been filled with many winter wonderlands.

And it just keeps getting more and more white.. I was trying to look for mountains or anything that would look like Canada... how would I know anyway. I'm sure it's part of what I see.

I know for sure, though, that next time I'm going away for holiday, I want to go west or south.. preferably south. .. to Florida in Disney world, sun and swimming and dolphins.. or California with my friend Nekisa to endless sunburns.. even though I never get sunburns, just an Indian-looking tan that usually get's darker than my own father's ;)

Oh, yes... summer summer! But I for sure am looking forward to summer in NYC. Just lying in Central Park with a book.. having the window in my room wide open all day.. eating dinner and sometimes sleeping on my roof top.. that sounds good!

So about going back to school already, I have already started feeling the stress hormones coming up - the one's I always have to keep on a 'fair' level, so that I never actually fall into the actual stress disease. .. which my mum had last year, I remember she would get sick and feel dizzy, not being able to work. I don't wanna go there.. so my pledge in life is always to try keeping it down as low as I can. But ever since high school, I've always felt it there, like a part of my weekday, I just couldn't shed away from. Not all my friends have this - AT ALL.
I am aware I always put a lot of work on my shoulders. About as much as the obligatory things from school/work.. I always have the urge to do something more.

But for this semester, or as I said - these next two weeks, finishing my 1st semester - my plan will be to get as much rest as I can besides the work.

Monday I have a final exam in performance lab: performance of 2 songs perfectly from this semester

Tuesday I have a final exam in history of musical theatre: a written exam with question about almost everything (theatres, shows, all the big names in composition/directing/acting/dancing, from the golden age to now).

Friday I have a final exam in song interpretation: a performance of 6 brand new songs (can't be songs that we've worked with in other classes before) in all the genres we've been working on this semester.

.... I HOPE I'm not missing out on anything!

I'm now landing in Detroit :)

*

AAnnnnd now I have landed for GOOD.
My flight was cancelled. Ok... deep breath. Go get something to eat and drink, Jasmin, before walking up to Delta airlines facing this problem.

So here are the facts:
- Cancelled flight from Detroit to JFK/New York City
- No flights back to NYC today
- No flights back to NYC/JFK tomorrow
- No hotel provided, since the flight's cancel was due to weather and not a problem from the airlines side

So here's what happens:
- The first flight back closest to NYC is Newark tomorrow night at 10, I got on that flight
- I will be sleeping in the airport, full stop.
- I will be back after midnight in NYC tomorrow night
- I will for the first time in a long time be close to boring myself to death... BUT here's what I can do...

- Finish my book 'At first sight' by Nicholas Sparks. I am 4 chapters into the book. Done by tomorrow at 9? Easy-peasy!
- Write on my blog. Sure!.. hop eyou don't bore to death though - coz there's aren't very many things to see.
- Look in the shops. There are quite a few nice ones.. like the body shop (uuuh! I just saved my smell in the next 30 hours - since all my lotion is in my luggage. The body shop always has really good tests you can take).
- Watch a movie. hmm.. the POLAR EXPRESS. A christmas must-see! Even though, the internet is cut off for me every 45 minutes.. 
- Stretch. A little awkward yes, but I believe that after midnight or at 4 in the morning, the very few people who are here have probably lost all sense of manners and we are all totally carefree, since looking like bugs that have been run over by a truck, from staying in an airport 25 hours before our flight, is something we're all in together..

......SO YES, my hope is - at least - that there will be other people around. Just so I don't feel like I am the only one in the whole world. I have been able to log on a wifi here, and I chatted with Susan.. and let out my frustration.. very unfair form my side I see now, but recieved with much love from her side. As always.
*
It's funny watching people in the airport. So many people look confused. An airport is a world in itself.. most other people are stressed because they are in a hurry, or trying to keep their eyes on 5 kids at the same time.

I just got up from home base for 20 minutes or so, to go to the bathroom and look for a cafe-like place where I could buy some bread rolls or anything to keep for the night, before the shops open again at 6 in the morning. I have no more food, so figured I should find something, before they all close soon at 10 pm.
But no cafes, that I could find. I found kiosks that offered me chips and candy, and then there was McDonald's. I think I stood in McD's for about 10 minutes just trying to convince myself that there was something appropriate, foodlike, and non-fat/fried/crap-like.. nope couldn't do it. I just couldn't.

Because I was low on sugar, I felt lucky to find a candy cane in my hand luggage.. now my tummy just hurts. :/

So, I've been thinking.. I would usually be more spontaneous and try to get out and see Detroit and find a random room at a small hotel nearby just for the experience of it. But this time I decided to play from my energy.. and I know there isn't much energy for travelling much after so much driving this whole holiday.. I know it will only tire me way too much out to travel to an unknown hotel, check in, sleep one night... oh I just remembered.. I have no alarm clock with me.. lol.. but I prob would wake up in time for my flight at 9:40 pm ;)

Actually thinking about it now, it seems a bit too much and overwhelming to stay in the airport more than 24 hours. Hm.. but I have already found my kind of 'homey' place.. a really snug chair next to Starbucks. So I can just wake up and get my breakfast. If I sleep, I hope I can sleep.

lol. A guy is walking up an escalator going in the opposite direction. He's not getting very far! I guess I am not the only one trying to kill time.
I could sleep soon though.

If I need to go potty in the middle of the night, I have to carry some 10 kg's with me!
This surely is strange...

It's funny as I walked around the airport to look for food and more information, I had a cozy 'homey' feeling about returning to my spot - which still hadn't been taken.. amazingly lucky actually. best spot in the area.

My prayer tonight was simple:
Dear God,
Take care of me and keep your protecting hand over me all through the night. Help me to be calm. Thank you for your love, I love you. Let me get rest and sleep tight and don't let the airport bugs bite.

To be continued... goodnight! ;)

*

A story of priorities and a jar

We were driving along the Mississippi river this morning. The river was frozen and the sun stood beautifully in the sky. We saw numerous eagles drifting in the sky over the river. There are o many of them out here. It's a nature wonderland. 

*

We had a 10 hour drive back all the way to Michigan.. we are now delayed because of the massive snowstorm. We should be home by now, but it might be a couple of more hours. Jayne is sitting with her face almost stuck to the front window of the car, because you can hardly see anything because of the snow. We're on the highway, but we're moving below 40 an hour.

I am so wiped out from all this driving. We started at 9:30 or 10 this morning, and now it's 8 at night. We stopped for a salad bar a noon, and later on for coffee.. but now I'm really hungry again.

I got to sleep for an hour.. but otherwise we have just been watching movies :) Pitch Perfect, The Great Gatsby and P.S. I love you.

I love the last movie so much, and I've tried to see it for over a year... I had the DVD at home, but couldn't find it.. and funny - I never found the time.

It's such a beautiful movie, from the original book by one of my very favorite authors 'Cecilia Ahern'. She writes about life in a beautiful, poetic way - with a twist of magic.. almost so that the book could be placed in a fantasy genre.. but the magic she writes about is always combined with the story in such a way that it seems realistic. I'd say she doesn't write about supernatural things - but the things beyond heaven and earth that we don't necessarily understand.

If you haven't already read her books, promise me to check out her work. I remember that as a 17-year old, when I started reading it.. the books changed my life. - At least in the moment I read them.

*

So the snow storm is pretty bad - and it has been promised by the weather forecast that it will come to Manhattan/Long Island area this weekend.. meaning it is very likely I will have delay with my flights.

I hope I will have the easiest possible trip back though, since I am getting up fairly early Saturday for a weekend of preparing for the coming school week - full of final exams and presentations.

The week after that our showcase.

- So two weeks with double work, without much of a breather. I hope I will love the work though. I'd appreciate your thoughts for me during these weeks, since they are the most important of my whole semester.

I hope it's alright I ask for that.

*

Yep, we're back now. After a 12-hour trip with a break of about 30 minutes, and 15 later on.. I am SOO tired, but satisfied because I'm lying in the best bed on earth - Bekah's (I just told Bekah, I might cry when I get back to my own bed, remembering how hard it is!).. But when you're tired you could sleep anywhere. Just like when you're hungry you can eat anything!

We just had a fantastic meal of chicken, pasta and sweet corn made by Bekah's dad. Best thing to come home to ever.

I have not been so happy to see a home in a long time.. exactly like I felt when I had finally reached the Wittenberg house after my 12 mile adventure around New York City by foot!

*

This is my last night with Bekah, and it is quite strange. I was getting used to always having a best friend by my side, one who I am so grateful with in her presence and one who makes me laugh.

But most of all I've gotten used to being able to share my thoughts with someone every single day, and several times a day - just having the free time to do that.

So, when I really think about it.. I find it RIDICULOUSLY STUPID that we have to almost "schedule" time to have a talk with a friend. I know a lot of you who read this will be able to relate to this.

And seriously - isn't it the most ridiculous thing that the important value and pleasure of sharing your thoughts and experiences with another person is something we don't have much TIME to do?

I mean.. - when we have some important news, when we carry a heavy weights on our shoulders, when we need comfort from someone who knows us, when we need advice... sometimes THERE JUST ISN'T TIME!

I mean .. I have only talked to my best friend who's now in California twice in 4 months, because we're both so busy - we used to talk every week, I have not been able to send any cards or presents to both of my parents who had birthday this month.. December has not given me the time, so I have just hoped that calling me and sending my love has been enough, I have not been able to have a video chat with Susan and the Wittenbergs to thank them properly for their Christmas present and present them to Bekah and see their family, like we planned to, and I feel bad not having been able to express my thankfulness to them yet, I think they deserve more, and I just remembered that an old class mate wrote to me about 2 months ago, asking me about my life in NY and sending his luck to me in my work.. a very sweet message I haven't replied yet, because time hasn't been in my hands.

It's NOT supposed to be like this. It shouldn't.

This reminds me of a story my dad once shared with me. I think it has a very important point.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

     So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

     The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

     The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

     "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

     "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal." Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

     One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

      The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Be good to yourself. Remember the things that recharge you, bring you joy and love.. make time for them, because they are who you are.

How you spend your time is how you become. Saying "I'll make more time in the future.. next month, next year". Time passes, we grow up, we move, we take in new things that we must bring our attention to.

I know that's what I want to focus on for this year.

Be good, Jasmin

X

The biggest mall in the United States

Not much text tonight - because I am tired, and we have to get up at 7 am tomorrow to start the trip home as early as possible (all the way back to Michigan is 10 hours!!).

But today, we did something cool. We went to 'Mall of America' which is the biggest mall/shopping center in the United States! It has an amusement park, an aquarium, a movie theatre and a live comedy theatre, besides all the shops and restaurants. Pretty cool.

We had 3 hours to walk around, which seemed like little time, but we actually saw a lot on the way. Obviously not all of the floors and shops!

Very American entrance!

The map and list of all the shops! Extremeee

Pretty lights hanging from the ceiling

- check out how far they go!

The amusement rides!

I found a Lego store. Hello Denmark ;)

And A DISNEY STORE! The second I've been to on this trip. And I adore every second of it. A really cool fact - when we walked into the store, my favorite scene in The little mermaid, and one of my favorite in movies of all time was playing 'Part of your world'.

This was also one of the songs I sang for my NYFA audition, that got me in ;)

See - I still fit in the children's playground ;)

Ariel - one of my top three favorite princesses.

- after Belle and Anastasia

In the middle of the mall there was a ballet going on! The characters dancing the ballet were the dolls from American girl place - the doll I showed you from the trip around Chicago. So very cool.

One last comment - I got an amazingly cool and long wanted school bag (rug sack style) on sale for $7 - good quality, so cute, perfect size. Happy happy!

I will leave it to this - before I start getting all reflective on my day... like how much I loved reading the first day of my one year bible, how I spent the day just relaxing, how I've started looking for open job spots in Disney world for the summer, how close I've become with Bekah's sisters too and cherishing this time, how little I'm ready to speed up on the daily doings, how much Grey's anatomy I've seen today... how good this day was..

There you go - got most of it anyways ;) - and there.. my hand is almost cramping from typing while lying down and my neck is in a weird position. My tummy is aching from the massive candy cane I just finished.. so that I don't return with any candy when I get back to NY (ironic isn't it.. as if when I eat the candy is gonna change anything on my body's condition and my health, if I eat it anyway!).

But if you want to hear more than I necessarily have time to write about, you can call me ;) I am back in New York City, in my room on 13th street this weekend. :)

I am so ready to get a good night's sleep!

5 min till midnight!

Look for the glass slipper..

Big silly wet kiss to all.

X