The weekend before Christmas!

This weekend was wonderful.
My Christmas weekend with the Wittenbergs. We won't get to spend Christmas eve together, so luckily we found time to be together this weekend before my departure to Bekah in Michigan.

*

I am starring out into the night from the window on the plane. It's already dark - it's by the end of the day, around 5, but I have a whole travel ahead of me. With one stop in Detroit.

Lights from the city are in the far distance, like small dots, like small fairies.
Man, I'm so tired - just fell asleep for a second!
Maybe it's because I just finished my chocolate - almost half a bag of maltesers. Dropping my energy just after it's sugary klimax :p.
I have had chocolate or sweets every day, ever since my holiday started. Almost as if I switched to a new religion.. seriously I let myself go all bananas in the American style!

Seriously - why aren't we moving. We are more than 1 hour late for departure, and I have just about 1 our in between the arrival and boarding for the second flight - I'm starting to get concerned.
But no matter how stressed I get, - it always works out.

"Another 20 minutes" - that was just announced by the captain. Anyhow I'll se Bekah tonight! It's the best Christmas gift I've ever had.

I just spoke with Susan before boarding the plane. She asked for the recipe of a Danish tradition that me and my mum shared with the Wittenberg's for the Thanksgiving weekend.

The lights are so pretty. Finally in the air. I just saw the Empire state building from the air. I could see the Christmas special lights show on the top. This light - red and green.

Now it's all black, we've flown through the clouds and I get to look back on the past couple of days.
It truly has been a wonderful weekend, just being able to see the family, feeling blessed in their presence.

Friday:

"AAARRHRRHRHHRRHHHHH!! I'M ON HOLIDAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!"
- Friday the 20th of December 3pm
"I am so happy!"

....When I was off from school that afternoon at 3 pm, I was so thrilled I could have peed my pants! Just relieved. I imagined I would collapse on the bed and just lie there crying out my stress, and all the things and pressure from the first semester of America's most intensive musical theatre program.

But when I got home, I needed to clean my room, prep things ready for when I return to school after the holidays (so it wouldn't be such a headache, when I got back ), say goodbye and merry Christmas to the neighbors, pack my suitcase, write 2 assignments for performance lab, but I also had one thing I wanted to be able to prioritize into my program.
I'd been given 2 flower bouquets for my effort setting up the children's Christmas play Tuesday night (The Christmas play that I have been setting up for the children from the hmw club in the Salvation Army, all through December, every Tuesday and Friday afternoon straight after school. I wrote the script and directed it.).
They both still looked pretty. I wanted to bring one back to my family's house - the beautiful bouquet that Susan had given me, and the other one I wanted to put by my grandma's bench.

'I love you with all the strings of my heart'

They had such a beautiful smell

It was really special to be able to do that. Almost like putting flowers on her grave.
Only that this wasn't for a body that was gone, this was for the presence of her soul.
It was a gesture of love, so that her favorite spot felt warm and pretty. Not a gesture from grief to mourn over, remembering someone who's gone.

I know that she's not here, but she can now see everything I do, from heaven.
From there, she will smile and celebrate with me, I know.
Even if she won't actually sit on her bench, the light that she shines on earth with will glow on the bench and all around.
And what's not more pretty than a bench decorated with flowers, bathed in sunlight.

*

I just got a cookie and a sprite on the plane - for free! I can only remember getting food for free on a short trip, when I was 8 and flew alone up to my grandparent's in Finland, Estonia and Norway.

This brings me to some very big news (just because I thought of my grandparent's service in the salvation army through the years). I have decided to become a soldier in the Salvation Army, here at the Hempstead corps. Becoming a part of the Salvation Army has been something that's been in the back of my mind over the past years, but coming here, feeling God's work in me, and acknowledging my new-found great love in him, growing every time I go to a Sunday meeting in the Salvation Army, I finally decided that nothing would feel more right that finally being enrolled.

Wow - looking out the window I now see the stars in the sky. So pretty!

*

I was picked up by the Wittenberg's around 9pm, just as I was about to wrap up their Christmas presents. Walking down 14th street with one heavy suitcase packed, ready for Michigan on Monday, a heavy bag packed with Christmas presents for the family , and flowers in the other hand - I walked my steps down the road, one more joyous than the other.

*

Right now I am flying over something that looks like the shape of Australia. But I betcha bottom dollar that's not Australia.. :p I feel excited about flying around in the States though.. in my new country.
It is weird to acknowledge that the last time I was on a plane, it was on my way to USA for the first time. Long trip. Long step forward. Long ago, age-wise... but only just 4 months ago, is that not incredible? I find it so hard to believe all that I've seen in the last few months. It's not like I've seen the world, but I sure have seen myself.

I've now stepped into my second flight. An even smaller plane than the first one, and the first one was small! It almost looked like a private jet. First one had a total of about 60 people aboard, I think. This one has about 45!
I am sitting by the window.. really cold! wrapping the new salvation army blanket around me, that I got from the corps Sunday morning. When I walked down the tube that led to the plane, I could see my breath as a white cloud every time I exhaled. And when I inhaled I felt the knifes of the cold that causes my asthma.. yep I sure am close to Canada. This is Michigan (look it up on a map, it's far up north of the States)!
Now I am on a 1 hour plane trip to South bend, which is in the state Illinois, south west to Michigan :) Bekah's house is a half hour car ride away from the house.

*

On my way to the Wittenberg house, I wrote an assignment that I had to turn in for school Sunday at the latest.. I really didn't want to be drowning in homework for my weekend with the family. my goal was to write the 1000 word essay before reaching the house - I wrote about 700 when we'd got there, which I thought was pretty well done. I finished it in the house later on that night.. so when I arrived at the house, instead of making that collapse and release of stress that I mentioned earlier, I hurried to the couch and typed as fast as I could. I wanted that release, but I couldn't release myself from the weight of the first semester before having done all my hmw from it.

Saturday:

The next morning I woke up and was just extremely cheerful, realizing how free I now was. And that's honestly how it's been - I have been in chains for a semester. not bad chains, but difficult and challenging chains. the ones that kept me from doing anything but what I signed up for. weekend weren't weekends, but time for hmw, rehearsals.. and if I was lucky, cleaning and grocery shopping. There has not been a minute of absolute recharge .. so after 4 months..omgosh DO I NEED IT!

But I woke up with that cheerful feeling, slowly waking up at 9 am :o wow... record in months! Listening to Disney music, video chatting with one of my best friends who's still in Copenhagen and having breakfast in bed.
...So after now 3 nights, I never got that release that I thought I needed.. maybe it'll come later. I sure will let out some tears, when I see Bekah, that's for sure!

Saturday was just a doing nothing day - truly . I went out with Susan to buy the missing thread that I need for my cross stitch project. There was grocery shopping to do, things to get and return. Christmas shopping was the word! .. for everyone!.. meaning the traffic was ridiculous, so the trip to town took hours.. but I really loved this part of the day most of all, because being stuck in a car with Susan, it meant that we had time to talk with each other.. a quality there's ironically not time for very often. That's what it's like to grow up and have a tight schedule! ;)

Saturday night I helped Susan and Phil count the money from kettles that day, at the corps.

After that we went home and watched Home alone. Yuppii!! Susan knew I needed to watch this to make my Christmas days complete, so she had found it on netflix and downloaded it, ready for this weekend. :)



Sunday:

Church meeting at Hempstead citadel. I sang at church this morning :) A very moving and beautiful song called 'The Father's song'. That same morning it was announced that I will be enrolled as a soldier at the corps in the year to come. Something big to look forward to with a blessed soul for the new year.

After the church meeting, we had lunch with the rest of the corps, and we prepped for our nursing home visits that afternoon. We were going to 3 different nursing homes carolling and spreading joy to the elderly, and giving out Christmas presents to each and every one of them.
I was so glad to participate in that, just doing something for other with a great heart. Being able to dedicate my whole day to that felt really special, because even though I have the heart to do so, I have never in my life had a schedule that could fit in voluntary work.. silly it sounds, I know. If I have ever worked it has been a need, in order to pay for my dance classes to prepare for the musical auditions.
As I am writing this, I kind of hear it echoing in my ear, in a shameful way.. that's no excuse. So I am glad that this time could be the first.
I am glad that I have been able to spend time doing the activities in the Salvation Army, before committing myself to it, wanting to be a strong carrier of the uniform.

Sunday after this visit, we came home to an excellent pot of homemade meatballs. And then we chilled and chilled.. watching Home alone 2, Charlie Brown and Jack Frost.. all Christmas movies.




Charlie Brown's christmas. First time I watched this show
- one thing you need to have seen as American!


A newly discovered great Christmas movie

I made our Portuguese dessert 'Salam de chocolate' (a cookie chocolate sausage).

This is almost what it looked like

- only there were less biscuits in mine!

Monday:

Monday morning was early, because I wanted to get up at the same time as Susan, to be with her in the morning, before she drove off to work. We read the psalms in the one year bible, all the way to the end of the year. Blessed.

I had a long morning in the shower listening to the soundtrack of 'The Sound of music', and 'Wicked'. Best thing about having time in the morning, is having time to find the right clothes for you.. not just any wear, and choosing perfume and jewelry. .. I am not allowed to wear perfume in school and I usually have time to look neatly at my earrings in the weekend and then wear the same pair of earrings for a whole week.. if not none at all!.. I finished packing my suitcase and videochatted with my parents and all my siblings - except Catarina who was at the Christmas ball at the Royal ballet school (yep it truly is as fancy as it sounds ;) I heard that she was beautiful like an angel in the Nutcracker when my family saw her earlier on this week.


My hope is to see the Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet when I come back. I wanted to go in December at some point, but time ran out of my hands.

I am landing in South Bend. Should see Bekah in 30 minutes! So let me get back to you.. I want to shut down my computer now to process and prepare myself for this big upcoming event!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! X

The end of 1st semester, craving for holiday!

One thing I have acknowledged about living in NYC, that I don't like is that I have to get used to seeing rats everyday. Makes me whine and slightly die inside, when I see a huge grey rat with its big fat tail running on the tracks on the subway station. funny, i still take 10 steps back, almost falling down the tracks on the opposite side, thinking the rat will jump up on me.

I am sitting in the subway, almost falling asleep over my computer. it's only a quarter to 7, but i was up at 6 am this morning, slept 6 hours. a lot of 6'es. i am going to  play tonight, that jessica, my neighbor at the markle got free tickets for. usual night, i am going to rush to the dining room, to refill my body with energy, as fast as i can, before the schedule keeps on rolling under my feet. when i come home tonight, at maybe 11, I HAVE to go through ballet. Last class was a big mess for me, because i was still slightly sick, so not only my body didn't have the strength to take me far, my mind was kind of droopy and not working very fast on the signals i was trying. 

My mind has been on holiday for the past 2 weeks, even though my body has had to carry on with it.
I have never been more scared for ballet class in my whole life. I have never prayed more before a ballet class. I was fearing that I would have no control of my body on tuesday. Even more scared, because I haven't had the time to go through ballet for long in the last couple of days. My work in meisner has taken up a lot of the time after school. I have ended my days at 12 or 1. woken up at 6. That's how far I can stretch it - but I am exhauuusted. I have been missing hours of sleep for two weeks, and now I just need two weeks on break!

*

- I was just distracted for a moment by my class mate, Teresa, who just did an extraordinary performance with fantastic belting. So talented.
It reminded me of when I worked with 'I am changing', from the musical Dreamgirls, back home with my private singing teacher.
I remember feeling proud of being able to hit all the same notes as Jennifer Hudson as a 14-year old.
It's been so long ago, since I sang the big belt number - those big ballads.

Ever since I came to this school, I've sung mostly legit songs - from all the classical musicals. Songs like 'Somewhere' form West Side Story, 'I have to tell you' from Fanny!, 'Before I gaze at you again' from Camelot, 'Something Wonderful' from the King and I, and 'I'll know' from Guys and Dolls ... and then modern musical numbers too, but still with a classical technique - like 'Wishing you were somehow here again' from Phantom of the Opera and 'In my life' from Les Miserables.

These are the type of songs I've been assigned, and it seems that I've always played the fragile and innocent young girls.

I haven't shown the side of me that can sing 'I will always love you' at the top of my lungs or hold the long note in 'Defying gravity' from Wicked.

But starting with today - where I am singing a comedy song as a slightly dumb character - I think I have really started to show my multicolored coat ;)

*

I have never needed a holiday more in my life, truly. I am almost thinking I might collapse on the bed and cry my stress out the minute I get back from my last class of this semester. Wow! some months. It is so strange for me to be at this state, looking back and evaluating my first semester. I have seriously not had the time do that before now.
There's not any more space in my mind..!
Anyhow, I will get back on that evaluation once I am actually done with this school week ;)

I am leaving Manhattan to go to my home on Long Island friday afternoon - once I've cleaned, prepped things for my second semester and gone christmas shopping. For the first time, I will have a weekend of doing NOTHING! Just treasuring the time with family, is all I need. And I will do that for 4 days.
Then I leave Monday for Michigan to see Bekah!!
Oh boy, that will just be incredible. I don't think I have fully understood how precious meeting up with my best friend aft ernot seeing her for 7 years will be like.

I am, again.. about to fall asleep in the subway. time is 4pm.
heading to times sqaure, hoping to get tickets for twelfth night. then back at school till 7. then show till 11pm. then collapse on my bed. then early up in the morning to prepare 2 songs for that afternoon's class. then.... arrrh.:)

Today we sang a Christmas song in our showcase class. 
check out the video on facebook :) here is the link :) The Christmas song.

Remember that Christmas is all about 'giving'

This morning (Saturday this weekend) I woke up with a smile on my face.

I woke up to a dream that I'd had last night. It was really cute, and put a great smile on my face. I felt like it was a thumbs up from Jesus.

The dream was that I was here in the house with the Wittenberg, as I am now. I dreamed that by the end of yesterday I heard from someone that it was Susan's birthday that day. There hadn't been time for a big party for her, because there was church and visit to nursing homes with Salavtion Army carolers all day, and on top of that Susan is way to humble to ask for attention. She's the kind of person who never asks for anything and get's surprised when you give her something.
I always love to do so much for the person whose birthday it is, tell them I love them and help them with their chores or things that they have to do, so that they can relax on their day.

- So you would have imagined that in the dream I was really disappointed and sad that I hadn't known it was her birthday for the whole day - that I hadn't thought to take the time off to do something special for her.

... But in the dream I was happy, because I had already treated her like it was her birthday.

I woke up with a smile on my face, because had it really been her birthday, I would have been satisfied and happy with how I'd treated her that day.
Yesterday I tried my best to help Susan all I could, because the week had been long for her, I knew.. and on top of that she had slipped on skateboard and fallen into a split, hurting her thighs and back. I didn't want her to run around the house just because I was here too.

So I offered to make her meals, I made tea for her, I cleaned the kitchen, made a Portuguese specialty for dessert and made sure to show her my love by telling her and hugging her.

And the great thing about the dream was that I felt so good and grateful about yesterday, knowing that despite the fact that she was tired and didn't have the energy to always show back her love and gratitude, I was so satisfied knowing I'd helped, even just a little.

This dream made me so happy, because it reminded me how important i think it is to show your love to the ones you care for, not just on their birthday, Christmas or thanksgiving, but every single day all year round. you never know when you will see them the last time. but that's not even the point - I just think that there is something unreal about only showing you care on days that remind you too. I realize that you can't be there for everyone you love 24/7, but trying to reach everyone as often as you can, should be your goal.

They are the people who form us, who God chose to cross our paths - for a reason; someone we could learn and grow from or someone we helped grow.

I felt this dream as was it a celebration. I felt that Jesus was proud in the way I care for others. Celebrating that over the past years I have developed my heart only in a fuller way, wanting  to love people more and more. Learning that loving from a true heart, is never to want something in return.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”

Giving is just as much a gift for yourself.

X

I learnt to scream at the top of my lungs at the world!

A few weeks into the education at NYFA, I did a performance of 'At the ballet' (from A Chorus line), and my teacher wasn't pleased, because I didn't express anything human. I was just singing the words, he couldn't see how they related to me.
He said I had a lot of anger inside, for some reason, and it was like this huge bubble underneath my chest, that I didn't let out.

He said I had to go to a park and scream, or scream in my pillow or do boxing or throw things, tear things. anything that could let the anger out of my body.
I have not been able to do that wholeheartedly.
if anything happened in my pillow, it's been from sobbing in sadness.
I could never find a place where there was peace to scream or just shout anything i wanted. there are just people everywhere.. you can NEVER be alone. there is no place where no one wouldn't hear you.
that's how i felt.
and also, i think i have not been able to place my anger. i have not known what i needed to let out.

but it's true, I knew that I had a lot of tension in my body.
a nightmare for a masseuse, i bet.

Tonight, I finally let out my anger.
I was working with the song 'Warning' from the musical Bare. In the song a very strict religious mother has been told that her son is gay. this is as against her moral beliefs as anything could be, and she is quite frankly disgusted by her son's choice. she is struggling to accept and support him, and that's what the song is about.

Now, working with the song at home, I realized that there were so many things i didn't let out, because i had a mental block. I was SO uncomfortable singing this song, because I couldn't stand up for this character's beliefs.
But as I remembered from the recent Meisner classes, - don't think of your role as 'a character', the role is YOU. and you should do everything you can to bring the role closer to you, and not build up things and research for things that distance you from the role.

so i thought... well what is song really about?
I needed to understand what I was singing about. Text doesn't matter. this is about a woman who is struggling to accept another person's choice.
Everyone can relate to how difficult it can be to understand other people's ways of thinking. and being put in situations where you have to respect it and put on a smile, even though you don't understand it.

And just as if I'd picked up a pen and started free writing, I just started talking to myself in the mirror. saying what this song was really about, and what I knew about it.

I don't remember where I started. but it was somewhere along the lines of... :

"I find it very difficult to accept when people divorce. Unless there's talk about abuse or forced marriage, I hate how people nowadays trample on the marriage vows. It's like we live in this society, where it's 'hip' to get divorced. A chain reaction... couples see other couples do it, and they discover how it's no longer a taboo to break out of your family. the grass is always greener on the other side, and somehow people just seem to trust less and less on settling. And everybody leaves and runs further out into the world, expecting to find something better, something bigger. and then what. they leave.

It makes me SO angry that people say vows, and then change them later on in life, because they don't trust the words they promised anymore.
It makes me angry because I see people. giving. up.
I see how the beautiful and magical bond between two humans get trampled on.
IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. I see people. giving.up.

My aunt and uncle recently divorced. what. why? i don't know. he left. they were not agreeing. they had changed?
they were like my other set of parents. and besides my own mum and dad, the couple i looked up to. because of their love. because they were BEST friends. Because they could wait more than 5 years for kids, in the end a long adoption process. Because they got two angel miracles from South Africa.
and they divorced.

and it makes me so angry.
i trusted them.
i thought they were unbreakable.
i was there carrying my aunt's veil, they day they exchanged vows.

in the end, we don't know who to trust till the end.
we can't control people's actions.
all we have the power to do, and all we must do, is trust that the one's in our lives, are there for us. we can't predict when they leave. we can't control their love for us.

i tell my mum at least 10 times a day that I love her with all my heart, and I ask her to say it back. I know she loves me, with an unfailing love, and yet I need to hear it. subconsciously i need it confirmed to remind me that it's an unfailing love.

in the end, we're all alone.
and i guess that's what i am scared of being.
scared that i have found someone that I trust. someone i will fight for till the end, no matter how rough the road goes, and how challenging it may seem at times. I believe in vows saying - we will love and fight for each other till the end.
But I feel so alone in that thought.
I find it so hard to trust, to put my heart in someone's hands and let them carry it with them.
I have never seen anything but people who leave.
And if I one day find someone I would dedicate my whole life to, how do I know he won't be like the rest of the world.. just following the fashion. Giving up when we have kids and we argue about which school to take the to, or when I get really sick and he has to take care of the house and the family, or when there is so much work on both sides, that we hardly see each other at home.

And my aunt and uncle, they were best friends. They exchanged vows. They adopted two kids.
And THEY divorced. they divorced. they divorced.
................................ etc...............they divorced.............they divorced"
- that's basically what I spent 20 minutes talking about in the mirror. and much more.

After all this, it was like my face turned red from the pressure of the anger that had started to leave my chest. i got hold of something.. like a hair band or something else from my desk, and I pulled in it, tried to tear it apart and then threw it on the ground.
I needed to hit something and break something. - i am not making this up, and i did not force myself to do something as extreme as that.. but my body was about to explode. that's how i felt, and I needed to hit something.

But I stopped the idea of tearing something apart in my room, and chose to put that feeling into the song, instead.
i sang it 3 times.

1st time i was shouting most of the lyrics, and I was attacking a lot of it.
2nd time I was angry, but frustrated and sad - tears rolled down my face as I rediscovered this feeling that I had kept inside for so long.
3rd time I sang through it, I could hardly speak, I was lost in the realization of it all, I couldn't see the mirror most of the time, because tears kept streaming out of me.

The last lyric is "it's happened, it's happened, and life is so strange. one simple word, and the whole world has changed."
I needed to accept it. and everything else that has happened and keeps happening. it's life.

Done with rehearsing, I was like a bomb about to explode. I ran to my roof top - and there I stood, screaming at the top of my lungs. "Aarrh!". just screaming. letting it out of me.
and saying "I am so angry!" all over again, pleading it to leave my body.

Coming back to my room from the roof top, I saw a brush had been thrown to the ground, paper torn, threads cut up, my covers on the bed messed up in a big bundle... I had let out my anger.

What a journey in one night.
what a journey in one day. so much has happened. but i would never be done writing my blog, if i shared every moment and every class. This will be it for today!

Now, I am incredibly exhausted.. as if i just ran a marathon. So I am making sure to be good to myself. I have made a nice warm cup of tea, and I have brownies from the markle (that's right I chose the cake over fruit in the dining room for the first time in a verrrrrrry long time).

Perhaps I can now write that assignment on the play 'It's a wonderful life' (same story as the original Christmas film). A story about 'How wonderful life is'. Realizing the precious things you have around you, and taking notice of the great value of them. Discovering how many lives you touch and how people touch yours.
And cherishing that blessing, which God has provided for each and everyone of us.
We are not alone!

A bench in New York dedicated to my grandma

This morning, when I woke up, I felt at peace.
But sad. It was a vulnerable, graceful morning.
I took out my cross stitch project, that I'm making for my grandma... Or was making.
The project is a long table cloth with a Christmas design on.
I want to finish it for her this Christmas, whether she'll be able to get it or not..

And this morning I got sad, feeling how the warmth of Christmas time with family came closer and closer.. knowing that I this year wouldn't be able to call my grandma and wish her a Merry Christmas (talking about how dull and strange it was without snow in Portugal). And this year, especially, telling her about how beautiful the snow is on Manhattan. Talking about how blessed we are, and recall the many things I have been thankful for this advent.

But even though I shed a couple of tears, it was while being at peace. I wasn't looking for answers through my sorrow. But this Christmas is going to be different.

So much more wonderful, in many ways. For the first time in my life I will celebrate a Christmas, understanding why it is celebrated. I have known the Christmas story my whole life, but this year I know why it's important to me.
That's very special.
And I know my grandma would feel so proud and blessed if that's what I told her over the phone this year.
But this year, I'll tell her from my heart.

*

This Sunday morning, my heart's desire was to seek my grandma and be embraced by the closure and love of God. The love that calms me and brings me at peace, when I'm sad.

"Let's go somewhere together this morning", I whispered to my grandma, "What should we do, just for us?"
I needed a place of peace and with time alone to seek my grandma and the closure of God.

I walked down my street, going west towards the water. Here I found a healing place, I'd not been to before.
A beautiful path ran along the coast of the Hudson river. The Statue of liberty in the distance, but not too far, birds swaying over the water, and the snow kissing the bushes.

When I walked to the edge of the pavement by the coast side, which looked like the railing of a ship, I stopped to breathe in the cold, but healing air.

And standing there, by the bay, I let the words from a beautiful song I'd heard this morning, sink deep into my heart: "The more I seek you, the more I find you. And the more I find you, the more I love you."

Wow, how grateful I was for this special moment, at a place I hadn't been before.
All this, because I'd decided to go out and 'seek'.
This was a perfect moment for me, and I felt that I'd found the warmth in my heart, that I'd seeked this morning.

When I turned around, I noticed a row of bare benches by the snow-filled bushes.
Suddenly, I started tearing up... knowing that I had finally found my grandma's bench..

- Over time, as I have walked through Central Park, I have noticed the names engraved in the benches - benches dedicated to lovers, dear ones or friends in loving memory of them.
I always thought that at some point I would find the perfect bench to dedicate to my grandma.

To be able to engrave her name in a bench in New York City, was very special to me. In this way, I would know that I had brought her with me to the city of our dreams. The bench was the proof for everyone to see that.
The place would have to be special and have a great view.

And standing here by the bay, I knew that I had finally found it.
My grandmas bench was one of the 20 ones in front of me..

I must've taken 20 minutes just starring at them, trying to pick the right one.
I closed my eyes and opened them over and over again, to see which bench stood out most, - which one I could see my grandma sitting in.

I thought I had picked the right one, but when I went and sat down on it, it felt cold and awkward. I prayed to feel her presence, and asked her to show me her bench.

I was frustrated, trying out almost every one of the benches on the same row. They were all the same, and I noticed how each of them had a big chunk of snow of them, just slowly melting off the edge of the wood.

It didn't make sense - my grandma is the light, and her bench would have melted the snow away already.
I looked up to the sky, and asked her to shine down on her bench. But the sun was far behind the clouds, and the sun light here on earth, around me, was grey and cold.

I walked back to the railing, on the other side of the path, lost in my frustration, but determined not to leave until I had found her bench.

Then as I stood there, I noticed that there was an extra row of benches after the bushes, further ahead. But what my eye caught was one particular seat almost at the end of the row.
What caught my eye was that the seat was completely clean of snow, of water, of dirt.

I ran to the bench and sat there, sinking into my grandma's lap. It was complete.

Our view was beautiful. And we had peace.
The statue of liberty, in symbol of freedom was right in front of me. I noticed the big 'Colgate' clock (by the bay in Jersey), which reminded me of how precious time is. The bird's and helicopter's flying back and forth over the river told us that I have the ability to fly.

I let all of that sink in, and sat there with gentle tears dripping down over my chin.
How perfect this was, but sad at the same time.

When I was ready, I twisted over my shoulder and engraved her name myself.
Looking at the back of the bench, I noticed an 'M' in the wood. M for Mette. I think she had put her name there for me. And she had been waiting for me to find it.

Am I the only one who can see the M?

I now have a place I can always come back to. She is always here. Even if I leave the country, she will always be in the city of our dreams.
Closer in my heart than anywhere, of course, but it's nice to know that when I am not dancing or singing for her, - I have given her an amazing view.

*

Manhattan is getting colder, the winter season has truly kicked in.
I have found myself freezing, even though I'm wearing my new boots that go down to -25 degrees!

Christmas is beautiful here, especially the Markle residence!

The nativity is the first thing you see

when you enter the lobby

Snow landscape, lobby

These pictures below are from the first day of snow! I stood in the snow for 10 minutes, sticking my tongue out. It was magical.

From Lincoln center a few days ago when I went to see

'Into the woods' on tape, at the performing arts library.

Some Christmas trees I came by this morning!

My transformed view from school! 

The statue of liberty is covered in the mist and the snow.

*

Right now, as I'm finishing off my blog, the song 'Be born in me' starts playing from a random playlist I had running. This was the song I gave my testimony through the dance on the 1st of advent.

Every moment of the day, signs of love and support are poured over me from heaven.
I just love when I get signs reminding me of that.. even though I didn't ask for them to be reassured.
I love you Farmor.
... Make my heart your Bethlehem, is what I pray every day.
I pray that you will always live in me so strongly and with such a beautiful love as I see is growing in my heart now.

In the song it says, "I'll hold you in the beginning, you will hold me in the end", but grandma, I believe that my heart was made for something greater "You held me in the beginning, I will hold you in the end."

My heart will always be open to you, to live there with me embraced by the love of our God who is always in me - because I chose to make my heart his Bethlehem.

Praying always helps

Yesterday morning, I woke up very exhausted. I stubbornly followed my schedule, though, and got out of bed to stretch from 7-7:30.
After stretch - breakfast, where I had to bring my computer & headphones, so I could listen to my character's songs from the musical, - Cinderella from 'Into the woods'.

- The song is extreeemely hard. The rhythm is insane, no system for the ear to catch, - more like a flow you need to know where your vocals should mingle into.
It goes so fast, that it's almost impossible to get through, unless you've warmed up your face, trilled your lips, and relaxed your jaw - like the way you should prepare to every single song.

However, my song, 'On the steps of the palace', is like a big bundle of tongue twisters.
For example:

"There's a lot that's at stake but you've stalled long enough cause you're still standing stuck in the stuff on the steps" - all in one breath

OR

"Although how can you know who you are till you know what you want which you don't so then which do you pick"
- quick breath -
"when you're safe out of sight and yourself but when everything's wrong"

I will this time try to upload the video of me singing it, when it's posted in the school's archive. :)

Anyways, after breakfast - pack lunch, shower + get dressed, and pack my school bag in 30 minutes.

Like I said, I woke up exhausted.. and I have no idea where my bad mood came from, but I felt kind of grumpy and everything this morning just seemed to want to work against my schedule.

When I got out of the door, it was freakin' cold, and it made me angry. When I got down to the subway station there were too many people in the way. I think I was running a little late - therefore I had clashed with the total rush hour in the subway.
I had to take the express train to make it on time for class - which meant that there was no seat on the ride. Express train at 8:45 in the morning, - which meant that I had to stand like matches in a matchbox, close up to people who smelled like coffee, deodorant, sweat or gum.
My bag was so heavy, and I couldn't move my arm to put it down on the floor - while I was standing there, the pressure of dozens of people were weighing down my bag, because everyone had to push to be able to fit.

In my mind, my thoughts were burning down my mind - "jeeeez this is so annoying. I hate this, I hate you all. I hate this morning. This day is apparently gonna be awful. And my song is gonna mess up and I woke up with a cold, so my song performance in Shakespeare is probably not gonna go well."

But then I thought - HOLD ON A SECOND, JASMIN!
Why are you being so selfish? Why do you want to bury yourself in self pity for no reason?

Earlier on that morning, when I acknowledged my mood, I had tried to get myself to say a short prayer and ask for God to help me get through this day. But at that point I had thought - no, this is my mood for the day, it's not like praying is going to help me, if I don't do anything turning it around myself.
This was one of those mornings where the whole world was against me, and quite frankly, I couldn't really handle to live with myself for the day. 
Being grumpy and annoyed, I didn't exactly feel like taking a calm moment to gather my thoughts.

But there in the subway, I thought - "What on earth are you thinking, Jasmin?". What makes you think that you can still do things on your own? What makes you think that God wouldn't be able to help you through this day?

I felt ashamed for wanting to turn my back on God, and not allowing him to make my heart his Bethlehem for the day.

So there in the subway - squashed between all kinds of people in all kind of sizes, I took a deep breath, and folded my hands, holding them to my heart and gently whispered:

"Bring me peace, God. Take all the negativeness out of my day. Take all my negativeness. Help me to focus on the positive. Clear my heart. Take all my negativeness. Take all my negativeness. I trust you."

This I whispered so softly, that only my heart and God could hear it.

*

I had such a great and fulfilled day.

I didn't think about it much, at first.
But like a switch, I cheerfully walked into my class room, happy to see everyone, engaged in the class, sitting on the edge of chair, wanting to be the first one on the floor acting in Meisner, excited to sing my song in performance lab, immediately choosing to go first, loving my lunch pack, spending the breaks joking around and hugging all my class mates many times, while trying to get them to dance with me on the floor, being inspired and grateful of watching my class mates perform, being satisfied with the preparations I got time to do for my Christmas play in the afternoon, looking forward to singing 'On my own' from Les Miserables to a monologue in Shakespeare class - feeling it was the best project I'd done since I came to the school.

After school:
Being blessed from the second I entered my residence by such a beautiful choir and string Christmas who played a concert in our lobby, being served a fantastic meat dish for dinner, chatting and sharing my day with Susan, enjoying such a cozy time with Jessica in her room, while working on the Christmas play, drinking tea and sucking on peppermint candy sticks.

And as I was sitting there with Jessica, I told her about my wonderful day. How many things I'd learned and seen. How blessed I was.
I looked back on my day, and told her the story.. I had prayed to God, and it had helped.

Oh my gosh! God really did listen to my heart and clear out the negativeness. He gave me what I needed most today, because I had chosen to come to him, instead of turning my back on him and staying grumpy.

It seemed like a simple thing to ask for, but I felt it as a miracle, because God had dedicated himself to me, and turned my day around.

I also told the story to Major Randy Orr, who smiled and replied "Yes, it's amazing how a short moment's dedication can do for us. I still find that."

God heard me from the second I opened my heart to him.

*

And the last night, Jessica came to my room and read me a fairy tale from my golden book of Hans Christian Andersen's stories, while I was under the covers in my bed.

My chain of stars in the window were the only lights in the room, and the sky was beautiful and dark.

Having the fairy tale read for me was the best thing that had happened in months. For 15 minutes, I was swept into a wonderful story and I could allow myself to be a child.

And for the first time, after hearing this fairy tale probably a million times through my child hood, I understood something in the story, I'd never seen before.

Towards the end of the fairy tale, it says:

"Her old grandmother, the only person who had loved her, and who was now with her no more, had told her, that when a star falls, a soul ascends to God.

She drew another match against the wall: it was again light, and in the lustre there stood the old grandmother, so bright and radiant, so mild, and with such an expression of love.

"Grandmother!" cried the little one. "Oh, take me with you! You go away when the match burns out; you vanish like the warm stove, like the delicious roast goose, and like the magnificent Christmas tree!" And she rubbed the whole bundle of matches quickly against the wall, for she wanted to be quite sure of keeping her grandmother near her. And the matches gave such a brilliant light that it was brighter than at noon-day: never formerly had the grandmother been so beautiful and so tall. She took the little maiden, on her arm, and both flew in brightness and in joy so high, so very high, and then above was neither cold, nor hunger, nor anxiety - they were with God."

This story is not only about the little girl's grandma, but about my grandma too.

She is in heaven with God, and she is the light.

And as Jessica finished the story, tuned off the lights and closed the door behind her, I gently fell into a sweet sleep.

And the story wasn't only a dream. I woke up surrounded by the smell of my grandma.
I'd fallen asleep in her blouse, that still carries her scents.

*

Now, I am sitting in my bed under the covers, with a cup of ginger tea in my hand, listening to an album of the Salvation Army songster. Very peaceful. I have caught a cold, and decided to stay home from the first class to heal, get enough sleep and not develop my sickness into a fever.
Ginger for my throat, music for my soul.

Outside it's snowing, and it has been for the past 2 hours. It is so beautiful, and I have ever so often looked out the window to see how the roof tops turned more and more white.

I feel blessed and at peace. I will go to my 2 dance classes this afternoon from 12:30 to 3:30.

I am nervous for dance, like I always am, and especially today when I am a bit sick, I don't know how far my body will take me.
But I do know that it will be a good day. It's just a promise, I can never fail to believe.
God takes care of me, and he will give me strength in whatever I need for this day.

I will remember to pray to him, dedicate myself and make my heart his Bethlehem again today.
There's is nothing else I could wish for.

So when I walk out in the beautifully snow-covered streets this morning, I will whisper in my heart a silent prayer to God and ask him to take out my nervous energy, so I can relax and shine in dance - the way I have proven to myself I have the ability to do.

Have a most blessed day.

Why not try to take a regular, long and tiring work day and make it into something beautiful? X

... And then, when I've prayed, and seen my prayers being answered - which they always will in God's time..

I know I have brought myself a step even closer to trusting that I'm in his hands.

*

My favorite worship song: 'I'm in his hands' - a beautiful composition by Stanley E. Ditmer, rearranged by Phil Laeger.